#adoption plan

[dennisandnormaadopt]

meet adoptive parents Dennis and Norma!

[dennisandnormaadopt]

[daniandjayadopt]

Asked: How do you plan to discuss adoption with your children?

This is a really really great question and one we talked a lot about before we ever even turned in our paperwork with the agency. 

We firmly, without a doubt, believe in being honest and open about adoption with our kids from the very get go. We believe in always telling them the truth about how they came to be in our family and sharing with them whatever we know about their family of origin. 

We already have developmentally appropriate children’s stories that talk about adoption as well. We both really believe in having children be able to see themselves represented in stories and we figured books are a good way to normalize the adoption process. 

We hope we’re able to find a match with an expectant parent who is interested in some level of openness to the adoption. We would love to be able to include them in the conversations about adoption as they are ready and willing. 

I’ve read a lot of studies and stories about adoption and it seems that the ones that practice honesty and openess, as much as is possible, are the ones that are the best for both the birth parents and the child. While I don’t think adoption is necessarily easy for adoptive parents, it certainly seems to be the easiest out of the adoption triad in some ways. 

Our main goal with adoption is to keep the amount of trauma experienced by either our child or their first parents to a minimum. We think one of the ways we can do that is to participate in an open adoption plan that is allowed to grow with the child and the people in their life. 

Our child will always know as much about where they came from as we are able to provide. They will have as much access and help gaining access to their biological family and story as we are able to give. I cannot imagine any other way to do it. 

Whatever child finds their way into our family will be welcomed wholeheartedly. It seems counter intuitive to not also welcome the family that brought them to us. If that connection is desired, we’re very open to it. If it’s not, we’re respectful of that as well. 

Basically it comes down to this: we’re aware of what an honor it is to be picked, hand picked, to parent a child. We will respect that with all the care it’s due. Always. 

-Dani

[daniandjayadopt]

Here’s a little sneak peek inside our home. The top photo is the most recent. Just last week we snagged this awesome grey sectional from a neighbor who was moving. We moved what used to be our living room couch (just a tiny love seat) into the nursery, so now the nursery is very cozy and will (hopefully) be a wonderful place for midnight feedings and baby snuggling. 

Until kiddo gets big enough and needs more room to play, at which point we’ll move the love seat into the guest house in the backyard. 

We have a pretty modest sized house. It’s two bedrooms with a combined living room/dining room and a kitchen. It was built in 1944 in the first master planned community in Las Vegas. I love our little house. We’ve lived in it for almost two years and I love it more and more every day. It’s cozy and quiet, but right in the heart of Downtown Las Vegas, making it mere minutes to just about anywhere we’d want to go: restaurants, parks, shops, you name it we’ve got it. 

Most of our furniture is thrifted. The coffee table was a hideous “shabby chic meets Miami Vice” distressed wood inlay monstrosity that we found for $20. A $5 can of paint and an afternoon in the backyard later: boom! Gorgeous robins egg blue accent piece. 

The couch, the chair, the tables and even the crib (not the mattress though!) were thrifted. It’s immensely satisfying to get a good deal on something and then spend the next few days scrubbing the living day lights out of it with bleach and hot water. 

I love mixing colors and patterns and styles. The house itself is a mid century modern bungalow, but most of the stuff inside it is a combination of modern and Victorian. If it’s not thrifted it’s probably from Target or IKEA. 

Big houses are great I’m sure, but this sweet little bungalow feels the most like “home” of anywhere I’ve ever lived. It’s filled with love, laughter and like eight ways to play music which is great. 

I can’t wait until it’s all filled with all the things little humans need. 

[bourbontobabies]

Thoughts on Adoption: May 18, 2015

This has now become an official blog series, apparently. 

Last week misscegenation sent me a message asking some general questions about how our adoption agency worked so she could compare notes with how hers works. Of course, because I am an absolute basket case about this stuff right now I had a TON to say in response. Too much to fit into a Tumblr ask box in fact. Below is the MASSIVE email I wrote for her but I don’t have her email address so I’m going to post it here. Because ya’ll know I have thoughts about adoption. 

So: Our agency gave us NO pointers on finding a match ourselves. “There are websites, I think? But I don’t know what they are.” is what we got. There are websites. A ton of websites. Most of them you can’t sign up for until after you have your home study approved. The biggest ones are Adoptimist and I Heart Adoption. There is a monthly fee involved being on them, think Match.com or eHarmony for finding expectant mothers. 

But we're taking a come at it from all sides approach: leveraging social media networks we already have as well as starting new accounts for some channels (new Tumblr blog where we talk about ourselves), a Facebook page, etc. In Nevada is it illegal to advertise for birth parents but good news for you! It's totally legal in Pennsylvania! Which means you can also place ads in newspapers if you wanted, get pass along cards (just like a business card with your info on it and the fact that you're hoping to adopt) made to take to ob/gyn doctor's offices (this is cynical as shit and I feel super gross about even mentioning it but you may want to target low income neighborhoods, low cost clinics, services targeted for teens, etc.) 

As soon as our home study is approved and we're eligible to receive a placement immediately, we're going for the hard push. Asking everyone we know in ANY state to let their networks know we're looking. Our agency lady told us that she's had a ton of people start putting the word out and then wind up with emergency placements from the least likely places: a neighbor's sister's grandkid or a coworkers favorite waitress at their bar. This is where the pass along cards come in handy. Just hand stacks of them to everyone you know to keep on hand in case adoption comes up somewhere. 

Pass along cards are a weird grey area for us I guess. Like we're not allowed to place actual ads in newspapers or anything but I think we're allowed to give out cards? I'm going to get a small run made on Vista Print to hand out to people we know, but I'm not going to cold call any doctors offices or anything where it might be considered "advertising." I've heard some stories that telling your OWN ob/gyn doc or family practice doc that you're adopting has had good results though, as they may come into contact with other patients who express interest in doing an adoption plan. I’m a little iffy on this approach. I just worry that there is too much power imbalance in doctor/patient relationships and I would never want someone to feel they were being pressured into an adoption plan by their medical provider. 

It’s a super thin line between promoting yourself while looking for a match and being predatory. We’re trying really hard not to dance along that line too much. 

Added benefits of finding your own match, aside from the break in fees: if you're interested in an open adoption, you're driving that truck then. Not the agency. So you get to decide if this is a good match for you instead of depending on the agency to make selections for you. The agency will sometimes screen out things that might be negotiable for you because they think they know what you want, where as finding your own match lets you screen ANYONE who comes your way yourself. 

Downside: scams and stuff falling through much higher likelihood. People who go to an agency are usually more settled in their choice. Someone who just finds someone online, may just be looking at options and isn’t really ready to commit to an adoption plan. Agencies and facilitators have a screening process. The internet is a free for all. 

Since we're not doing a fully independent adoption though and are using an agency (like you are), what we're planning on doing is sending anyone we find and think we might want to move forward with TO the agency. This will mean they're registered with the agency, will benefit from the same resources (counseling, support, etc.) that any agency birth mom would but we get credit for finding them and bringing them in ourselves. This is what our coordinator suggested. This is kind of best of both worlds: she doesn't have to worry about finding someone for us, but she can still offer all the same resources she would to someone she did find. Plus we don't have to worry about that $7,000 placement fee! Which also means we don't have to worry about losing all that money if the adoption falls through.

It’s overwhelming knowing where to start looking. It feels kind of gross to be actively seeking it out actually. I’m really grappling with the feeling of being desperate and creepy. I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured or obligated. I want someone to want us as much as we want them, but just by virtue of the fact that we’re seeking them out it feels almost aggressive. At least more aggressive than I want to be. 

A coworker suggested we send our info to the local group home for pregnant teens. It’s a pro-life operation and I’m really squicked out by having ANYTHING to do with them at all, but they are a house full of young women who are pregnant and their website says that most of the young women who come to stay there do so simply to get through their pregnancy while they look for adoptive homes for their babies. 

So it might not be a bad idea to see if you can find something like that in your area too. I don’t know if I’m going to contact the one here. I might try to exhaust literally ANY other resources before going that route. 

As soon as we get the word that our home study is approved by the state we’re going to throw a little party (kind of like a pre-baby shower?) at our house to celebrate officially being a Waiting Family. We’re hoping that will give us the opportunity to talk one on one with a lot of our friends about what it means to be a waiting family and how they can help us find a match by literally just telling anyone who will listen that we’re looking. 

We will keep throwing these parties until we get a match, I imagine. 

Right now we’re in this really weird grey area: our home study is done, our agency says it’s basically approved but for the state to put their stamp on it. She does not see any reason it won’t be approved by the state. So essentially, we COULD start looking for a match but until we get the official piece of paper that says we’re approved we can’t sign up with any sites or facilitators. So right now we’re kind of slowly rolling out our word of mouth stuff. 

In a perfect world, we’d find a match now while we’re waiting who’s due date would be after June/July. Then we would be a waiting family for literally a nanosecond once officially approved. 

Will that happen? Probably not. But a would-be-momma can hope. 

[fragilelittlelily]

June 23, 2014

Baby just got done hiccuping. He is not even out in the world yet, and I already think and know he is so very precious. It's times like these when I know that I'm giving him the best life I can give. I have never loved someone so much, and I can't wait to meet him in 17 days or less.

[placedpathways-blog]

The Final Meltdown

let's see what happens in the "Final Meltdown!"

“Honey? I think we should be gone when the landlord gets here, I am going to get ready, then wake you up when I am done…” Robert’s voice said from far away. Attempting to drift back to dreams of a peaceful household, I rolled away from Robert. He chuckled and got in the shower. Just as I was starting to fall asleep again, I heard voices downstairs, shuffling, then an animalistic scream that could…

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[placedpathways-blog]

6 things to remember when dealing with unsupportive people Breathe deeply, and listen to what they have to say. Listen to the tone of what they are saying.