Mother’s Day Woes: An Adoptee’s Perspective
In the midst of dealing with what I am dealing with...Mother’s Day is slowly creeping up on me. My mom has already stated what she would like for Mother’s day and I the clock is ticking on picking her presents for her, my grandmother ( her mother and the only grandparent I have left) and my Aunt ( my godmother and my mom’s only biological sister). However I cannot help to think about my birth mother. We have spoken in five months. It’s not emotionally safe for me right not to talk to her. I forgave her in my heart for the mean voicemail but I haven’t been in contact with her since. I think about her often... wondering if I am going to run into her in town or something. Mother’s Day always brings this influx of emotions and I cannot put one more thing on my plate right now but I just cant ignore these things. So I will break them down for you. Grief- Loss is the foundation of all the emotions that arise for me around Mother’s Day. Substantial, deep, profound loss of biological roots and rights to my birth mother and never being able to form biological roots or rights to my mom who raised me produces this deep sadness that sometimes I cannot even put in words. This is also the trickiest to talk about because it is here that people would deem an adoptee ungrateful. I don’t really verbalized this part to anyone because it is so delicate to speak on. Loyalty- I deal with this on a day to day bases. Loyal for me encompasses balance. Choosing who to be with, which family to be with doing the holidays or which siblings to hangout with makes things not only externally complicated but internally as well. In the past I tried to spend a little time with my birth mother on Mother’s Day but to find that balance never really worked out and caused so much inner turmoil that I was just like “ f “ it. I can’t deal. Guilt- This right here dictates my movements and how I navigate post reunion situations. Guilty also produces sadness that is a persistent emotion that I deal with. I know logically that I have done nothing wrong but even the pure thought of not talking to my birth mother makes me feel guilty even though I logical know that I have good strong reasons not to. I have guilt that I love my birth mother even though she neglected and abandoned as an infant. I have guilt that even with being in contact with my birth mother I don't treat her like my mother in the sense of calling her everyday or something like that. Guilt kind of just sits there staring me dead in the face. Anger- this is what I usually display. The top three are more internal and when they are going haywire... anger is what shows up. I am not angry that I am adopted. I am angry that I wasn’t told. I am angry that no one wants to talk about it. I cant be angry at anyone though so I sit in that anger and is slowly turns to the feelings of guilt and grief. Anxiety and Depression: What I am dealing with now. Its a hard pill to swallow. Its layer and layers and layers of psychological, mental, emotional, physical and verbal abuse. People in my family would more than likely negate this. They would probably say I didn't deal with this, or I deserved the ass whoopings that I got....but I would never beat ( my future) kids like I was beaten. I would never yell cuss words and obscenities at them. I would never call them out of their name or intimidate them to the point where they couldn't come talk to me about anything. So yes, Even though I make this post every year things are still changing. I am changing and my thoughts and feelings are changing as well. It is a never ending journey but one day it will not hurt as bad. I hope all of this makes sense. Peace&Love
`A.
