#afteralliamonlyhuman

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

I don’t know what Your plans are for me but please give me a break because my heart is continuously breaking before it can even heal.

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

The thing about me is that if I loved you once, I’ll always love you - even if you’re undeserving of my love and even if I hate you.

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

I waited. I waited around for over a year and still, it was not going to be me who’d you choose to spend the rest of your life with. I had envisioned a future with you. A home with you. What our daily routine would look like. How you’d come home and I’d have dinner ready after a day of shuffling my kids from school and back. How you’d pull the trash bin to the end of the driveway when it came time for trash pick up. I wanted it. I wanted it all. And still you spoke the words, “When the right person comes along...” What else could I have given? What else could I have proved to you? It’s been raining for days in my mind. So sad to have to let you go.

Maybe you weren’t the one for me after all. Even though I always made myself available to you, maybe in the end you were only meant for me to learn how to feel again. To feel fingers run down my back. To feel what it’s like to have fingers brush against my cheek. To feel what it’s like to have someone waiting on me. To feel what it’s like to see your name pop up on my phone. To feel like what could have been.

I hope you find the one who you’ve been trying to search for all this time. And I hope we never cross paths in the future as I might just fall apart.

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

I have been yearning to know what it feels like to be wanted. I mean, truly wanted. 

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

I deleted your number so I couldn’t text you “I miss you”.

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

I watched you make a right turn out of my street and it felt like you were driving out of my life. 

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

This feeling...I’ve felt it before. I felt it right before I fell in love with him, falling hard and then crashing into a whirlwind kind of stop. And yet here I am, willing to do it all over again for you.

[afteralliamonlyhuman]

My daughters spent their afternoon with their dad. I picked them up and then we had dinner with my family to celebrate my dad, their grandpa, for Father’s Day. It is now 11pm and the house is quiet. Everyone has gone home and we’re getting ready for bed. As my oldest is rubbing her blanket between her pinky and ring finger (something she’s always done as a baby) she turns to me and says, “Happy Father’s Day, Mommy.” And then I hear my little one echo her sister, “Happy Father’s Day, Mommy.” The fact that my girls also give me recognition on this day means so much to me. I often do a lot on my own and I’m glad my girls can see I try so hard to be able to provide like two when I am only one. If I continue to do this alone for the rest of my life, I know I’ve got this. I’m a mom and a father.