To emotions and good coffee Part 1 (a hidekane story)
Hide thought the world must be playing a joke on him. How exactly does he always end up in these unfortunate situations?
Don't get him wrong. Seeing Kaneki alive and relativly well, is something Hide feels glad to witness. And regaining contact with his best friend after 4 years, and when he isn't some kind of monster rampaging trough tokyo is a blessing to him. He does not take it for granted. Really.
He's glad he was able to help Kaneki in any capacity. Glad he could be of use to him and his friends. Glad neither of them is rotting in the ground. Honestly, Hide feels blessed.
However - there is a certain strain, an akwardness, in their interactions that is unknown ground for both of them. After Kaneki was outside of dragon and the war was over and things had been said and done - the initial flowing conversations between them have come to a halt. There is no longer negotiations or strategies involved in their talks. When thinks get personal, they struggle.
And not because of what you would usually think to be the reasons- like a torn off face. Sure, Hide admits his recovery was painful, long and hard. Memories of skin ripping and blood spilling make him shudder. Nightmares haunt him every other night. Looking in the mirror hurts - even though after plenty of grueling surgeries his face resembles a face much more than it did during the war.
But Hide can't regret the decision he made that day - not after it saved Kanekis life, not after everything he's done the past 4 years was for Kaneki. Not after it meant kissing Kaneki.
No, fuck, shit, stop thinking that Hide.
There's an awkward cough and some shifting. Hides had snaps up, staring wide eyed at his best friend who's uncomfortably fumbling with the sleeve of his black turtleneck. The converence room they're in feels so much bigger than Hide remembers. It's honestly funny how everyone left so quickly and how they ended up alone. Super funny. Especially how they use the space of this room to be as far away from each other as possible.
Hide has to surpress a snort - really. Two bros in a room, 5 feet apart because one of them is decidedly not gay and has a wife. Haha. Ouch.
"So...", Kaneki breathes. Hide feels almost sorry for him. Almost.
"Good meeting huh?" an uncomfortable chuckle.
Hide tilts his head to the side. Really? God, this is painful. Hes unimpressed though.
"Sure. If you're into that kind of stuff." Hide sighs. He wants to bang his head on the table. Kaneki looks- sad. Defeated. Until he doesn't.
The man he loves takes a deep breath, straight backed, determined eyes and he strides. Two long steps and hes in front of Hide. Did the room shrink?
Hide has always prided himself in being good at reading people. At reading his best friend. But 4 years of distance and pain can and will change a man. And Hide isn't sure what he's searching for in Kanekis eyes. Recognition maybe? The boy Hide spent nights with talking on the playground, the boy who cried when they found a hurt bird in elementary school. His Kaneki. His? Please, Kaneki has never been his. Hide has to swallow the bile thats coming up at that thought.
Staring back at him is a somewhat scary, confident man, with beautiful grey eyes that- Huh?!
Eyes that are suddenly swarmed with tears. A trembling mouth - a sob. What is happening?
"Yo, Neki, is that really how the most feared and strongest man of tokyo should behave? Haha, shit dude if I tell the press about this they will go wild." Hide feels honestly overwhelmed.
This is not how he thought this would go.
Kaneki bites his own lip to surpress the sobs. And, ah, shit- Hide wants to do that. Stop!
"H-Hide.." Kaneki tries to speak but he just ends up crying more. Hide almost laughs, if he wasn't also very much concerned.
"Hey, man if this is about my face again - really Kaneki we've been over it. It's fine ok? I am not mad or anything.." he tries to reassure the beautiful man infront of him. But he's having a hard time focusing on anything but how gorgerous Kaneki is.
Man, the gay is strong again today.
Hide sighs, "Listen dude, its really fine. And it's kinda getting late and you should probably go home to your wife. I am sure you'll feel better. I mean, nothing a pretty lady can't fix, right? "
Hide feels a headache coming on.
Everything stops. The sudden silence makes goosebumps rise up on Hides skin. Kaneki is still, staring at the ground. Hide isn't even sure if he's breathing.
"Why?... why do you keep doing that?"
The sudden question combined with those steely grey eyes take Hide aback. There is so much hurt in those eyes and Hide wants to melt into the ground.
"What? " Hide asks, voice somehow barely louder than a whisper. But in the all surrounding silence he might as well have been screaming.
Kaneki makes a sound, something between a chuckle and a sob, shakes tears out of his eyes and forces Hide by sheer willpower to look at him. Hide can see how so many people follow this man- he commands the room. But then again, he's always done that for Hide.
"Talk about Touka. You always talk about Touka whenever we are around each other. You avoid having an actual conversation with me. Why?" Kaneki hands are trembling, he pushes them trough his hair and folds them together. Hide swears he feels the vibrations of Kanekis tremble on his insides.
"I- I don't understand. She's your wife. You love her, so why is this a problem? I am just happy for you man." Hide scratches at his face. Part of him wants to scratch out his eyes.
Kaneki still looks so so sad and Hide can't handle this much longer.
"Because it's not about her! You keep avoiding me. I, fuck Hide, I miss you. YOU. Thats who I want to talk about." The tremble has reached Kanekis voice, to Hide it's shaking the whole building.
Hide swallows, hard. Tries to breathe. It doesn't work. Ok no more lies. It hasn't helped them in the past.
"I miss you too. I just- don't...know how to be around you.."
He might as well have punched Kaneki in the face. The love of his life flinches. Looks at him like a kicked puppy. Like Hide just broke his heart. Funny how that works.
"Hide, I would never hurt you. Never again. Please, what can I do to prove it to you?" He's almost begging, desperate. Needy in the worst way.
Hide laughs, a sad broken sound and shakes his head. "I am hurting Ken. All the time. And it's not fair, not to you or me."
Kaneki comes impossibly closer, searching for answers in Hides eyes. "Why?" a soft touch to Hides cheek. Stormy grey eyes- and they're full of love just not the kind Hide wants. An angel, really, thats what Kaneki looks like to him.
Hide can't stand it, how weak he has become. A dam breaks.
"I managed it so well, for years. I could handle it. But I am afraid too much has happened since. I don't know how to keep it in Ken. You know, I've been thinking - Maybe I should have died in those sewers. " wet cheeked he tries to stiffle his noises, keepin his dignity.
Kaneki looks alarmed. "What?! What are you talking about? Hide y-"
Ah. It's soft. Warm, allthough a bit too wet for Hides liking. Their tears combining on their faces. But Hide isn't one to complain. He takes it, every last drop. Bathes in the warmth. Embraces the ache. And he wants. He wants so badly. But he can't have what he wants, and it kills him.
Hide pulls away, disconnecting lips. He so craves to remain right there. But it isn't right. Those lips aren't his to claim.
Thread rushes into him, realization of his mistake setting into his brain. He's ruined it. The last bit of connection they had.
And Hide runs. Only for a second before he bolts for the door he sees wide grey eyes. Stunned. Confused. Shocked. And surely in a moment disgusted and Hide really doesn't want to see that.
He doesn't get very far. Admittedly he isn't sure why he thought he could outrun a ghoul. Even less so the one eyed king. But a part of him had hoped Kaneki would just let him go.
Instead there is an iron grip around Hides left wrist- sending ice crawling trough his veins. Hide closes his eyes.
"Don't run from me." A surprisingly soft voice begs of him. The grip on his wrist loosens a bit. "Hide... I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you. Please."
Hide feels like he might explode. He spins around, eyes fierce. And is met by Kanekis soft stare.
"How haven't you atleast punched me yet?" Hide demands. He is confused, scared, angry and in love. He's so so so in love.
The love of his miserable life just laughs. "Why would I do that? I don't intend to use force, unless you try to run away again. I am sure we'll figure something out, Hide. Don't you think?" And Kaneki smiles. Smiles at him with so much love in his eyes it makes Hide forget how to breathe. And he takes his hand and squeezes, pulls. Hide stumbles. Kaneki sighs and murmurs against Hides temple:
"Let's go home, Hide. I'll make us some coffee."
Post by @therealsasori To figuring things out and good coffee Part 2 (a hidekane sequel of To emotions and good coffee) (Note: so I had int
