#alloarophobia tw

[aro-culture-is]

Aroallo culture is saying you're aroace 'cause you feel you'll be judged if you don't feel romantic attraction but you do feel sexual atraction

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[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is seeing someone post some very blatant alloarophobia, checking their blog, and being not at all surprised to see they’re a terf

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[aro-culture-is]

I have an aro friend who I know is sexually attracted to me, but it makes me feel a little bad to be perceived as solely an object w/o any feelings? pls help

hi,

I think there's a bit of a disconnect in phrasing here, so I'm going to start with that. It sounds like your friend is sexually attracted to you, and not romantically attracted to you.

I don't know your friend, so I won't speak for them. However, if you are friends, that doesn't imply to me viewing you as "solely an object without any feelings". It implies to me that you're someone who they probably enjoy a platonic relationship with. Especially in the aro community, we often discuss how society devalues platonic relationships and ranks them below romantic relationships, and most of us view this as untrue and unfair.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is not to say you have to be comfortable with your friend being attracted to you, but to acknowledge that it sounds like you're devaluing your friendship with them because of this sexual attraction. You're allowed to want, for yourself, sex and romance to be a package deal. But just as you don't chose who to be romantically attracted to, your friend didn't chose to be sexually attracted to you.

I think, from here, the best thing I can ask is what feels like resolution to this. If you're uncomfortable because sexual advances have been made, reject them; you have a right to say no and set boundaries. If they aren't respected, then I'd reconsider that friendship. If them being sexually attracted to you, even without actions, is uncomfortable, I'd actually advise sitting with that feeling for a minute.

Something I've learned in therapy, as an individual with CPTSD, is that I cannot control others emotions, even if they are uncomfortable. I can set boundaries, but they have to be reasonable. For example, I'm uncomfortable when people are upset with me. It's not reasonable to expect people to never be upset with me. For me, what helps is acknowledging "okay, so X person is upset with me. They've said XYZ. First of all, what did they explicitly say? What did I interpret that to mean? Did I introduce a personal, trauma-fueled aspect to what they said? If I did, is it reasonable to assume that this person would say/feel/respond that way?"

In your case, this could look like "okay, so X is sexually attracted to me. They've said XYZ. They explicitly said that they are attracted to me. They did not say that they have no other feelings about me. I introduced this bias because I personally don't like the idea off sex without romantic attraction, and I panicked. It's (hopefully!) not reasonable to assume this friend would try to have sex with me knowing that personal boundary." [note, I know nothing about this situation! This is one possible thing, not a sure-fire how-to.]

I hope this helps!

- mod phoenix

[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is listening to pure love songs (non sexual love songs) and wishing you weren't aro

(not sure i like the phrasing "pure" in this sense. you could... probably have just said "non sexual love songs"; as is it reads somewhat alloarophobic)