#alone anon

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - March 2

intrusive thoughts anon, heart star anon (new), alone anon, usaid anon

intrusive thoughts anon

Hi! I'm so glad things are going better with your friends!

I didn't even think about how holidays like ramadan could affect those things, that must be so difficult. I'm so proud of you for thinking about your choices and doing your best to make positive, healthy choices. I wonder, does your religion have exceptions for fasting when people have food struggles?

My valentines went well (I was travelling) and I'm doing okay. I'm proud of you for doing well in school!

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heart star anon (new)

So i saw you give advices and I think I need a neutral take on this.

I'm 20 and my best friend is 29 and we've been friends for a couple years now. We both have friend circles with people of varying ages so that isn't uncommon for us. Now the thing is I'm sure he sees me like a kid cuz tbh to him i probably am. So ik it's verry platonic from his side. And we both have a tendency to platonically flirt with all our friends. Which is mostly fine cuz that's normal for me.

But the thing is. If he does that to me, I get all shy and red cuz i fear I'm catching feelings. I don't want to. But I'm afraid I am already. I tried talking to another friend about this. She almost looked disgusted by it. So i never brought it up again.

I don't wanna loose this bond tho. He's helped me grow mentally and emotionally. I had some issues at home with family that I couldn't talk to my parents about. He pushed me to and I'm glad it did cuz that was something I was carrying for more than a decade.

I'm afraid my emotional attachment stems from the fact that I was verry suicidal when we first met and he seemed like hope reincarnated. As many people as I've talked to, they all have the same opinion about him. That's he's a good human.

I also think I act like his partner sometimes. Like demanding time and attention and as soon as I realised that, I tried to minimize the contact. But then he'd notice I'm being distant and urge me to talk it out with him.

That's the worst part. He notices I'm holding back and gives me space but always gets me to work it out. He notices, he remembers, he does it all. Sometimes wed have these tender moments where he's say something sweet like "uk i can't be mad at you for too long" and I'm left wondering if he said is as a friend or more. A part of me wants him to want me. But the rest of me def realises it's stupid and childish to think of it like that.

And the fact that he's emotionally vulnerable with me doesn't help much. I've noticed he'd come to me first if he has a problem even when most of them aren't my age problems. He says I give him a fresh perspective.

I have no idea what to do with all these feelings. I don't wanna have them. Certainly not for someone who i shouldn't have them for. I don't wanna hurt him or scare him away cuz I'm not sure how he'd react. I think he'd want to talk it out. But I'm afraid he'd think it's childish of me. Maybe it is. I am a child for him.

I just don't wanna complicate things. I wanna keep our bond but I also don't wanna get hurt by walking away.

What should I do?

– 💜✨

Hi!

oof, this is hard. Okay here's the thing: your feelings are not disgusting. You are allowed to have feelings. But I DO think that a 29 year old dating a 20 year old could VERY easily lead to a lot of problems. The problem with age gaps isn't JUST the difference in age, it's the power dynamic. I mean, you two legally could date. But I think that this particular age gap easily lends to a power imbalance. It's unlikely that you could have a healthy relationship...it depends on a lot of other factors.

It might be helpful for you to think about this logically- logically, it's not bad to have feelings for another adult. it's not gross or icky. You're not crushing on a child, so there's no reason for you to feel guilt or shame.

But also logically, how might a relationship with this person work? Are you two in the same stage of life right now? What are both of your short-term and long-term goals? Both of your dreams? Are you compatible? Odds are, he is pursuing different things than you right now, and that's okay! It's natural, with ten years between you. But that also makes it so a relationship would be hard.

Again, I'm not shaming you. I think there's just a lot to think about <3

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alone anon

Hi sorry its me again (alone anon) how would you reccommend starting a conversation about what ive noticed and been feeling because everytime i try i end up giving up.

Hi!! Honestly, I think the best way is to either practice beforehand (talk to a pet or stuffed animal or a neutral person) or write out what you want to say. That way, you're sure of your words and you have them prepared <3

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usaid anon

Its usaid aid anon. I fucking hate this. They stopped the hiring freeze which means they can hire summer interns which means im expected to apply and i cant go back to the u.s. for the whole summer which is what i thought would happen. I just want to be back home for good. I hate this so much. And everytime i say that its like "oh but wouldnt you miss your friends we're doing you a favor" if you didnt take the fucking job ind the first place i wouldnt be missing my friends all the fucking time anyway as well as my family and my hometown and what i couldve had and everything fucking else. Sorry i know its stupid to complain but i hate it so much

I don't think it's stupid to complain at all! It sucks to not have control over your life and it sucks to miss the people you care about <3 you are absolutely always welcome to vent in my inbox <3

[sleepypositives]

Thank you, that meant a lot. I'll try it. -(not so) alone anon

You can do this alone anon, promise. ❤️

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - Feb 28

say a little prayer anon (new), alone anon, other anons anon (new), usaid anon

say a little prayer anon (new)

Hii cas

Do you know if there's anywhere I can read say a little prayer by Jenna voris for free???

I really wanna read it but I don't want my parents to know

Hi! I looked around but I couldn't find anyplace. Do you have a library card? If so, the app "Libby" lets you rent audiobooks for free, so you wouldn't have a physical copy in your house. Not the same as reading, but better than nothing!

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alone anon

Hey cas im the alone anon, so basically my group of friends has somewhat developed into 2 groups. One of these two groups hates the other but im technically just floating inbetween the two and im starting to realise theat everytime i go with one group everyone in the other gives funny looks. But now both groups keep going out without me and using the excuse of 'we didnt think youd be interested'. I really want to stay friends with both groups but if they both hate eachother how possible is that? What should i do?

ugh this is so frustrating because like...part of me is like, who you're friends with shouldn't matter. But also I don't know the whole story. Have you tried sitting them down and telling them what you've noticed? Asking their feelings about it? I think asking about it is the only way you're going to get answers, tbh. but at the end of the day, you need to do what feels right for you and be friends with the people who treat you right. fuck anyone who isn't being kind and respectful.

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other anons anon (new)

Hello so I have a few other anons but I feel really embarrassed about this one, so please don’t feel pressured to give this ask like, a new name

So there’s this tumblr poll called “Need that man pregnant”, and it’s a really silly poll where people submit, like… hundreds of fictional characters and stuff and people vote for months about which person will win,

And somebody submitted Jesus Christ,

And I personally am catholic… and it just feel so weird? Like… he’ll likely get really far into the competition but it just feels weird. Cuz people can put their reasoning under their submission and people kept saying “it’ll make the right people angry, lol”… and it just feels kinda mean to like the fact that you’re gonna upset people by doing something to agitate them on purpose? It’s not an attack on the blog itself, I think what they’re doing is fun and lighthearted, and adding restrictions/making callouts or whatever is unnecessary and people are free to submit whoever…

But like… seeing that triggers the “religious trauma/complicated relationship with religion” part of my brain but not in a, “I’m getting an existential crisis” way but in a “wow… this is uncomfortable”… like if I saw my uncle for example on this poll and people were talking about how it’ll “make the right people angry”

This is such a weird situation, idek what I’m trying to say 😭😭

I think like, if this happened a year ago I’d be fuming/start panicking about my other spirituality… but I’m pretty much fine? It just… feels off?

Aghhhh idk 😭😭 sorry if this is too strange an ask

Hi!

Sorry I had to give you a name or I wouldn't be able to reply. Yeah I can see why that might give you the ick. i think it's hard because a lot of people deal with their religious trauma by doing things like this and religion has definitely hurt a lot of people so like...I'm not here to say if it's wrong or right. But I think if it bothers you, you're well within your rights to block the blog! you are allowed to curate a space that feels safe to you, you know?

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usaid anon

Hiiii its usaid anon :P

A while ago i told you abt how my school system works and you asked since hw doesnt affect the grade if kids even did hw but ive been thinking and i lowk have a question.

Like if even hw is graded (ik there are some pass/fail hw assignments but the ones that arent) wouldnt it make students want to cheat bc theres like no chance for them to work without the pressure of them being graded or are there specific types of assignments that teachers arent allowed to grade?

At my old school teachers werent allowed to assign certain assignments so im wondering if theres something like that so kids have consitent assignments they know arent graded?

ha.

yes.

imo, homework should be graded on effort. like "okay, usaid anon, I see you did all the math problems and you clearly did work out on the ones you were confused on so you can have 100% even if you got half wrong" because in my exprience if it's not graded at all, students won't do it, but if it's graded on accuracy, kids cheat or have other family members do it for them. and like...they need practice. that's the point of homework.

I also think schools give ay too much homework, but thats another whole thing.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - March 30

speech anon (new), healthy disagreement anon (new), galaxy anon, grounded anon, alone anon (new)

speech anon (new)

hi

So i don't really know how to explain stuff but here we are. So I go to stem school and I also live in one of the most rigours areas in the usa academics wise. My whole life I've been surrounded by all these smart people and I have always been the least smart in my group of friends. Like elementary I went to a choice school with a huge gifted program then I went to a rigours private middle school and now I'm literally at a stem academy. I'm not stupid by any means but I always have the lowest grades of all my friends and it's fine I'm used to the middle of the road psat scores, not making it in all the prestigious competitions, all the science fair, Evey single "important" thing our school awards and does. I spend so much of my time cheering on my fucking impressive friends. However the one thing I don't suck at is writing. I write a lotttttt and recently we had a speech contest and I spent literally 2 weeks straight working on mine and most of my friends did it super duper last minute and the 15 semi finalists came out today and 3 of my friends didn't make it (close friend group of five) but I knew one of them was gonna take it hard because that's the type of person she is. But here's the thing I just can't even talk about my speech atp she runs away if I talk about it and I feel really really bad genuinely but I'm just I'm sad. I just I want to be proud of this one thing I don't absolutely suck at but I can't even bring it up and it's fine I understand why she's upset I just I'm always the one cheering her on and I guess I wish I could celebrate inside of comfort her but that is probably selfish

Hi! I don't think this is selfish at all! I think you deserve to be recognized for your accomplishments and talents, especially if you have been cheering on your friends for so long. Like-friendships shouldn't be about keeping score but also you SHOULD be able to rely on your friends. Your friend is allowed to feel sad that she's not a finalist while still being happy for you and I think that's where she's in the wrong. Just like you can be sad if you don't win the science fair while still being happy for a friend who wins.

I think you'd be within your rights to say something. I'm not sure if it would help (it depends on what type of person your friend is) but it might make you feel better to share your emotions. Just make sure that you don't come off as accusatory. Simply say how you feel. You can your friend that she absolutely can be sad but it's not fair that she's not supporting you...because it's not fair!

Congratulations on being a finalist!

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healthy disagreement anon (new)

What does it mean when people say “all good friendships/relationships have arguments”? Whenever I happen to have an argument with my family, it’s because they don’t think I should be sad about anything and yell at me. Whenever I have an argument with my friends it’s about me gently bringing up “hey I feel left out a lot of the time” and being accused of manipulation, and then they continue to bring up how “toxic” I am when I’m upset. Other argument with friends are just me telling them about how they hurt me, like “hey when you said it’s my fault and I deserve to be ignored by our entire friend group that felt very hurtful, especially since you also vent to me about that specific friendship group. I am not okay with this” and them saying that I’m being toxic, and saying I “snapped for so reason”, and then continuing to bring up how I “snapped for no reason” and am “very mean randomly”, and they ignore everything I tried to tell them when they hurt me.

My newer/other friends (the ones I’ve made after distancing myself from the people mentioned before) I have are people I get a long really well with, and they quite literally never do anything that hurts my feelings, and I (think) I haven’t done anything to hurt them either… I can’t imagine being mildly irritated with them, let alone upset. So now I don’t really understand when people say everyone eventually argues with each other :(

In middle school all my friends hit me/were really cruel. Now the friends I mentioned in the first paragraph above are acting like the people who would hurt me. And now the newer friends are great and kind, but I don’t know what it means to have healthy disagreements

sorry if this makes no sense :( I just woke up

Hi! I'm so sorry that you're being treated like this-you don't deserve it.

I think healthy disagreements come when you feel comfortable and secure enough with a person to express your frustrations and different opinions with that person without being afraid they're going to leave or hurt you. Like with my wife, I feel comfortable telling her when she makes me annoyed or hurts me because I know she's not going to leave me because of my emotions. I feel comfortable sharing how I feel and what I need, even if it's something she disagrees with.

Unhealthy disagreements are when people turn arguments into personal attacks, into a competition to see who can hurt each other more (physically or emotionally). It's when people start threatening, giving ultimatums, or bringing up old things and triggers. You're no longer trying to solve a problem, you're creating more problems.

I think people say arguments are good because you don't want to be in a friendship or relationship where you can't bring up things that upset you. That leads to resentment, you know? But the argument needs to be healthy or it can just lead to trauma.

I hope this helps a little! <3

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galaxy anon

Hi Cas, it's galaxy anon!

SO much has happened since I last updated you, oh my god. So, as it turns out, he only went on one date with his ex, and I guess he decided that he didn't want to get back with her.

I had a week off school because I was ill, and on the Friday night, I got a text from one of my friends (who I'll call H) saying that she had something important to tell me and that she needed to call me ASAP.

We called, and she told me that one of my other friends, L, got into a talking stage with my ex while I was off school, and she wanted to wait until I came back so that she could ask if it was okay for her to go on a date with him. H said that she just wanted to make sure I knew so that it wouldn't be a huge shock when L asked me in person, which was incredibly sweet of her.

When I returned to school on Monday, I had a meeting with my teacher in the morning, so when she asked t talk to me, I said I needed to go and we could talk when she got back. Unfortunately, she insisted on walking me there so that we could talk. She told me what happened and asked if it was okay. I had a whole answer planned, but the walk was too short for me to be able to say everything I wanted to, so I ended up just saying that if it made her happy, I was fine with them dating as long as I didn't have to see him because I didn't want to talk to him, and she agreed.

But, yeah, it feels a bit weird to see them together, especially because they've only been going out for like a week and they're already hanging out everyday and posting each other an their Instagram stories, and we never did any of those things even after dating for a month. I don't know if I was just a bad girlfriend or too busy or he didn't love me as much as he likes her, but it just kinda sucks.

Anyway, I'm glad you're doing okay after the storm, and I hope you ieve a nice day!

Hi!

Ugh that's so hard. It was so nice of you to be cool about your friend dating your ex, and like...I get why you did. You don't own either of them and the drama is crazy either way. But also I get why it's awkward and hurtful for you.

Please, please try not to compare yourself to her. Your relationship with your ex and her relationship with him are two completely different things with SO many other factors than just his feelings for the two of you. You don't know what happens between the two of them behind closed doors, and it's not going to do you any good to compare yourself to her.

It's hard because like...it wouldn't be the move to change your mind. But you also might want to spend some time with other friends who aren't involved in this, just so you're not in the middle of it all the time, until things settle down. <3

Keep me updated if you want!

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grounded anon

i got my phone back after the arkansas trip??? like hwat??? im literally listening to music on it right now?? and i also have an amazing girlfriend??? who is also my bestfriend??? and its going great because nothing changed except we kiss?? and everything is going right??

i personally hate when everything is going right especially after a period of just hell because then i get suspicious

also i forget how homophobic people are here. My and gf were just minding our business in pe and it was a free day so i was resting my head in her lap (mind you this is a regular thing we do, we've been doing it long before we were dating) and these two girls who literally CHOOSE to sit beside us were like staring at us so i was like 'stop staring at us, weirdos' and the girl was like 'well it just makes ME really uncomfortable when you guys are like laying all over eachoter! so i said 'then stop staring, look away, move, idgaf just leave us alone' and they went on a whole schpiel before finally moving. its not like we were shoving our tongues down eachothers thorat??? we were just chilling and talking about books???

anyway probably not going to do many asks, this upcoming month we have an entire months worth of standardized testing plus easter, so religion and all that shit will be coming to bite my ass.

otherwise im doing great :D

-(UN) grounded anon

Yay, congrats on not being grounded!!! and omg things with your girlfriend sound awesome!! I'm sorry about the homophobes, that's really fucking annoying, but it sounds like you handled it super well-I'm proud of you.

I hope your tests go okay, and I'm happy to hear you're doing well!

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alone anon (new)

Hey cas, my family always treat me like im not there and when i am im just there to be snarky and like the generic angsty teen. And its gotten to the point where my brother can litro get out of anything and im stuck doing the things hes gotten out of. Its like i have to be perfect just so they notice me if you know what i mean. And its just too much. Everything i relied on it throwing me away to the point where i sit in my room feeling ill and alone.

Hi hon <3

I am so sorry, this is absolutely the worst feeling and I can relate a lot. I'm curious, what happens if you try to tell your family how you feel? How do they react? Do you have any family members that do give you attention and love?

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - Feb 25

cold anon (new), 988 anon, saree anon (new), alone anon (new), don't need advice anon (new but not)

cold anon (new)

How do I deal with colds as an autistic person? I always crash out when I might have/am on the verge of a cold, because I feel trapped and bullied by my body and my surroundings. To be honest, the mental frustration and annoyance is the worst part of having a cold.

I’ve had both Covid and malaria and experiencing those felt much easier than having a regular cold because they don’t trap me in my body and make all my sensory issues go haywire

I get all bitter and angry and upset when I have a cold, and I want to know how to handle it :(

omg I feel this so much. Like not being able to breath through your nose is the WORST thing in the world because it affects all of the senses, it's AWFUL.

I mean, there's obviously medication you can take, but I think besides that the important thing is to be gentle with yourself. it sounds like you're not only getting annoyed with the situation but with yourself and how you're reacting! remember that you are allowed to give yourself grace and take care of yourself <3 I hope you feel better soon!

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988 anon

omg I'm so sorry you're not feeling well and dealing with a storm, that sounds awful. and your parents not being understanding definitely must make it worse. being a teenager is super stressful, like I truly wouldn't wish it on anyone. but I'm glad you know that it will get better. Things will change- you'll get more freedom and choices. this isn't forever. I hope you feel better soon, and the snow melts! <3

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saree anon (new)

Hey cas!

I might be trans...idk.. I'm kinda freaking out tbh. I still have a certain amount of doubt but now I'm thinking maybe I'm just afraid to admit that I might be trans because I don't think my parents will be accepting of it.

I am now perceived as a girl by everyone and lately that label felt very suffocating to me. I've always been considered a tom boy throughout my childhood (I'm nineteen now) and I've had issues with gender, now looking back, all along. I used to have short hair and everyone in my school bullied me for looking like a boy. So I think my brain kinda registered that looking like that makes me a freak. I overcorrected it in my early teen years by being very much into stereotypical fem clothing like being very interested in wearing a saree (I'm a south Indian). Because it was something that was not available to me (there is a general "rule" that girls shouldn't wear sarees before attaining puberty), I was convinced that wearing that would "make" me a girl.

The problem was, though it felt good for a while, the fem clothing started to suffocate me too. I felt more comfortable with baggy tshirts and shirts. I started having body dysphoria.(redacted) I look in the mirror and I absolutely do not feel like the girl looking back is me. This past year I've been contemplating whether I was non binary or just gender fluid but then neither of those labels felt right. Ever since I started paying attention to this gender panic I have going on, I noticed that I felt more comfortable with neutral words or even stereotypical words that refer to men like partner or dad (yk when people say oh you're the mom of the group? Well I prefer dad.)

One of the major issues I have is that my parents are not aware of any of this. They are currently very confused as to why I'm borrowing my brother's clothes for college or why I feel so uncomfortable in traditional fem clothes (the same saree I yearned for is now choking me to death). They just think it's a quirky thing that I will grow out of but I don't know how to explain it to them especially since I'm myself not sure with what gender I'm choosing.

The thing is, the idea of being a man terrified me. It's not the "being a man" part but the part where I have to deal with the consequences. I have to come out to my parents, which I'm pretty sure will not go well; they don't even let me get a hair cut. The long hair I have is not helping with my body dysphoria. I just... I always negated the possibility of me being trans by thinking that oh I don't have bottom dysphoria, I only have top dysphoria so I'm not trans, surely there's another word. But recently I found out that bottom dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. I..I had an epiphany when I saw it. I'm freaking out now because a part of me is happy that there is finally a word, trans masc, that kinda makes sense for me, a part of me is terrified that my parents are going to disown me (my mum is literally saving up jewellery for my wedding), and a small part of me is scared that I might not be trans and my brain is just doing all of this for attention.

Idk why I just completely trauma dumped on you but it feels nice to get it off my chest. I wish I had the opportunity to just experiment, use a binder or cut my hair without having to worry about my parents finding out but there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks for listening. You're doing an incredible job, providing a safe space to vent❤️

Hi hon! I am so sorry that you're dealing with all of this confusion and fear. It's so difficult no navigate all of these things even in a safe space, so to do so in an unsafe environment must be terrifying </3

Remember, though, your parents will only know what you tell them. You can tell them you wear baggy clothes just....because you like them! You can wear a binding sports bra, and say that you just like the support! You can ask to have your hair a bit shorter and say it's just easier to manage! If you feel unsafe, you don't owe ANYONE the truth, but that doesn't mean you have to overperform femininity either. I hope you're able to find a way to dress a bit more comfortably for you while still staying safe...your safety and happiness are both so important!

I'm here to vent whenever you need!

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alone anon (new)

Hey cas i need a bit of advice. I have this big group of friends, but ive realised im utterly alone and i dont know what to do to help myself.

Hi! I'm so sorry you feel like this, it's an awful feeling. Can you give me some more details? Do you want to stay friends with these people or find new friends? What makes you feel like you're alone?

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don't need advice anon

Hey Cas! I don’t need advice right now, I just wanted to say that I wrote you a while ago about thinking about switching schools because of bullying but being worried about leaving my friend group and a new school, and I just wanted to say that your advice really helped me and because of it I did change schools which so far has made me so incredibly happy and feel so much safer. So thank you so much! Without you I don’t know if I would have done it at all— you’re radical :))

Hi! sorry I had to give you a new name, you didn't give your old one! But I'm so glad you're feeling safe and happy, that's so amazing! I'm so happy for you <3 I hope you continue to feel safe, and thank you for sending me an update, this made me smile!

[sleepypositives]

I can but I have problems talking to people too.. it's so hard to neet new people. I mean would people even notice if I disappeared? What difference would it make if I was gone...? -alone anon

It would make a difference. I’ve never met a person who wasn’t important. Every action you make is incredibly important. I would notice if you disappear. I can’t help with talking to people… maybe just a few sentences at a time? Just an intro, and if you have anything in common, go from there?

[sleepypositives]

I mean does it get better without a family or great friends? Or a mental disorder that won't allow you to trust enough to get either of those? -alone anon

It will get better, you can slowly learn to trust people, you can test them. I promise everything will work out