Woke up in a BAD bpd loop this morning and wound up sobbing on the phone to our manager because no one ever covers our shifts when we get sick. Been working 50+hr weeks for 2 months but God forbid I need a shift covered. My manager had to work a double because of it, and I know she doesn't mind because she knows I don't call out unless something is really wrong, but we still feel incredibly guilty.
Haven't been able to draw either, it's like all the muscle memory we built is just... Gone. Fiance is super sweet and is going to help us relearn from scratch, I'm just... Scared. What if I've lost that forever?
Combine that with like. All my worst paranoia about the friends I've had for years deciding we aren't worth being friends with getting tacitly validated, I haven't been doing well mentally.
So if anyone feels like I haven't been talking much or reaching out, you're right, but it's because we're scared. We don't want to bother anyone and don't want to ask anything of anyone. We just want to feel like we matter at all. We even said so in a private server and went ignored by all but one friend. The temptation to just give up & isolate is very strong. Tumblr has been our most social hub lately & we don't even really talk here. It's weird.