I missed such huge chunks of time.
There’s just gaps where memories should be.
Blank spaces and blips of a life
If I could only remember.
Sometimes I would hear a voice.
In a panic I would say to myself
Surely this can’t be real?!
Hearing a loud audible voice
One that is separate from your own.
This does not happen to “regular” people.
So sadistic and malicious in nature.
Commanding me to do such detestable things to my body.
Demanding that I be punished for such
That I have no memory of committing
Yet there is something that feel familiar.
Can anyone tell me this isn’t normal?!
I just want to be like everybody else.
A single human with one voice
Who doesn’t have to consistently fight for
Centerstage in my frontal lobe.
Instead of feeling like I’m just a shell of a human
Who’s body harbors another secret being
With a whole other secret life,
That my mind keeps playing hide and seek with.
Independent and free from mental instability.
Like a virgin and a whore trapped in the same body.
Every second we’ve had to co-exist
Has been the worst form of psychological torture.
I’ve been suicidal since I was nine years old.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to
For twenty years of my life
Ryker has been the only one who knew
Only he wasn’t ever taught the right words
Or how to regulate his negative emotions...
So constantly frustrated and angry
Because of the cluster fuck of trauma
He would try to express himself the only way he was used too...’
By hurting me and forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do
My family has never understood us
They have been very unhelpful and often
They are invalidating of Ryker and I’s experiences .
Only being able to understand Ryker from a spiritual perspective...
They assumed and treated Ryker like He was a
“Evil Spirit” or “Dark Force”
Steal, Kill and Destroy me.
A temptation of self destruction.
Put on me back in Africa.
They are starting to understand now though...
“Laying Hands” and trying to Cast out the demons within me.
Now they try to just listen and ask questions.
I have always been the black sheep of the family.
Leaving me yearning helplessly for some kind
Of human comfort and understanding.
I’ve taken almost every kind of help or release
From the manipulation, lies, and constant unbearable pain,
I slip further and further away.
I cannot take this anymore.
Determined now to admit to and
Be in control of this illness that will
Inevitably take over my mind,.
Either that or I will beat it
To the punch and choke him out of submission.
To remove this other being from the stage.
We cannot continue like this.
And I deserve it more then him.
