Things I wish I could do to take care of Kouki, but can't because of how our system works
1. Hold gan, kiss gan, touch and cuddle and carry gan in any meaningful way.
Kouki is frontstuck constantly, and on the rare occasions dan manages to go inside, it's a conscious effort. Dan has a lot of trouble maintaining focus just to see in headspace, and lacks any other meaningful sensory input, including touch. Because of that, I can't really hold gan in headspace, and since we're in the same body outside of headspace, the best I can do is hug ourselves.
It's sad, really, because Kouki's a very tactile little one. Dan's very touch starved all the time and I want nothing more than to just lay gan down on top of me for a nap and gently trace designs on ron back to soothe gan—something we call 'laxings and that dan hasn't really had since dan was a proper child. I can't pepper ron face with kisses, I can't cup ron face, I can't touch dan in any way that doesn't just feel like dan's doing it to ronpa. It's honestly really upsetting.
2. Care for gan in headspace properly while anyone else is fronting.
Again, Kouki is always frontstuck, and that include when other people are fronting. I'm always in front with gan because of this, but when others are fronting to hang out with people outside, there isn't really much we can do but watch what's going on from the front room. Kouki has no awareness of what's going on in headspace without maintaining focus, and dan can't do that when someone else is fronting. So often dan feels left out and alone even if I'm sitting right there with gan.
Even more than that, we have exactly one host that is able to push us all from front because dan runs on a different OS from everyone else. Dan comes out every day to go to work and handle work for us. You'd think this would help, but it doesn't, really. We don't really go inside so much as go to "sleep" in a way, I suppose, so any opportunity to give Kouki meaningful care during that time goes out the window.
Essentially, I only really get to take care of Kouki in the mornings when we get up and I make gan breakfast and such, and then at night when I tuck gan into bed. Everything in between is null when we have work. What's more, body memories often heavily override internal memories when hosts front, and so when we wake back up, the memories of the body at work end up slowly trickling back to override Kouki's nap anyway.
3. Care for gan out of headspace properly without tiring gan out in the process.
Caregiving is a lot of work, and often includes doing a lot of cooking and chores and housework in the process. I would love nothing more than to let Kouki lay on the floor and color or play while I did these menial tasks, but I can't. I carry gan with me wherever I go, and I use up our collective energy to do anything that needs doing to take care of gan. It wears gan out and honestly on the worst days makes it feel like dan is just doing everything ronpa, which completely defeats the purpose.
4. Talk to gan in a way that doesn't feel like dan is just talking or thinking to ronpa.
Our internal thoughts are generally very soupy and abstract, and while we're generally able to tell each other apart overall, it makes holding linear conversations amongst ourselves in our head extremely difficult. It's very easy for us to lose our train of thought and the conversation to collapse into mush at worst, and at best the soupy nature tends to make Kouki feel like dan is just thinking to ronpa even if dan knows it's me who's talking.
Talking allowed yields better results, but still feels like Kouki is talk to ronpa, which makes gan selfconscious. That's the original reason I made this blog in the first place. To give myself an external space separate from Kouki for gan to look at whenever dan needs.
Even then, though, it's not a perfect solution. Dan gets selfconscious and nervous, and as a result rarely uses ron own regression blog and almost never interacts with me to avoid the sting of feeling like dan is just playing pretend with ronpa.
It hurts my heart a little bit that I can't be enough for gan. I try to be anyway, to the best of my ability. Still, a lot of pitfalls make it really hard. I know Kouki appreciates me and loves me a lot, and doesn't want me to feel bad for not being able to do these things. Still, I just... wish I could. I want it just as much as dan does, because I love the idea of holding my little one in my arms, of kissing those tears away, of bringing gan food and seeing the picture dan colored while I was cooking. It's a lot of care Kouki is lacking, but it's also a lot of the joy of caregiving that I'm lacking with gan.
