Todd had always thought that Neil and him should have switched eye colors.
It was a quiet thought, one of those strange, lingering notions that settled in his mind without ever fully forming into words. Neil’s eyes, deep and warm, should have been blue—wild like the tides, constantly moving, reaching for the sky with an uncontainable energy. And Todd’s, pale and uncertain, should have been brown—steady like the shore, quiet, observing, never demanding anything from the world.
He never told Neil this. Never told him how unfair it was that the universe had gotten it wrong. How blue suited Neil’s spirit better, how brown would have fit the quiet steadiness Todd had always tried to maintain. It was just a thought, one of many, lost in the unspoken spaces between them.
Then Neil died.
And everything was wrong.
Todd stood in the snow, his whole body trembling, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps. He felt like he was being pulled apart, like the world had shattered, and the pieces had lodged themselves inside his chest. The sky stretched endlessly above him, and for the first time, he understood.
His eyes weren’t meant to be brown. They were meant to be blue—wild tides ruled by the moon, untamed, restless in the night, reaching up, always reaching, always searching for something that was no longer there. And Neil’s? Neil’s were brown, like the shore, finally still, finally quiet, watching over the tide as it raged and crashed and broke itself against the world.
The universe hadn’t gotten it wrong.
It had just known something Todd hadn’t.
But now he knew and so he sat by the shore to breathe in his brown eyes
Neil definitely took Todd's messed up poems out of the trash and hid them under his mattress after reading them because they were a treasure to him. He didn't mention them to anyone and swore that he'd take the "bad" poems home with him over the summer.
They weren't bad, not in his eyes. How could they be? Todd made them. Anything Todd made was absolutely amazing. So that's why he kept them. And when Todd was in the bathroom or down the hall, Neil would take these poems out and read them.
He loved every single one of them. He loved seeing Todd's work before Todd could perfect it. It was like seeing a new side of him. It made him love the other boy even more.
When Neil died, Todd found Neil's bed stripped. He had still not accepted his friend's death, but it didn't matter because no asked him, it already was sealed.
The curious thing though, was that when the bed was stripped, Neil's collection of Todd's poetry was found and thrown away in the same trash where he originally found it. And when Todd went to throw away another piece he'd failed at making, he saw his own crumpled work from months before staring back at him.
He was confused. He had thrown those out months ago, but what was it doing here? He threw them out because they were terrible and his work was worth nothing, not even a penny. If Neil was here, he'd tell him otherwise. If Neil was here, he'd be holding up the papers before Todd could throw them out and say something along the lines of "Todd, this is amazing. You are amazing! Your work, it's fabulous! I want to perform it some day" but then Todd would still throw it out.
Had Neil kept them? Every mistake he made? Every crumpled up price of trash?
Todd fell to his knees. Neil, the one person with true belief in him, was dead. If only he listened to Neil, if he saved his work and shared it. If he had talked to Neil more and helped him-
Todd was sobbing and pulling at his hair, gagging on his own spit. He tried muttering an apology, he wasn't sure if it was to his old work or Neil's ghost, but either way, he was blabbering his sorries.
If they had had more time, they could have talked about this, but they can't. Neil is dead. Gone. Never coming back. So no, they couldn't talk about this.
Instead, Todd would stay a crying mess, sobbing sorries until Charlie found him and helped him up.
neil perry and todd anderson are going to make snow angels together, he promised.
a/n : now who hurt me enough to write this? anywho this is my first time writing for anderperry OR a non "x reader" fic, so be gentle with me <3 i am so sorry in advance
contains : ANGST ANGST ANGST, death (obviously, are you new to this fandom?)
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Neil laid on his stomach, raking over his script for what seems to be the one millionth time. His pages were covered with bright yellow highlighter, and though he’d read the script repeatedly and neurotically, he couldn’t help but go over his lines just one more time for the night. That was until he noticed Todd across the room, sitting on his bed and staring out the window.
Todd quickly snapped out of his trance at the brunette boy’s words, forcing a quick smirk. “Oh- it’s nothing, Neil.”
Neil raised his eyebrows, expectantly. It was never “nothing” like Todd always claimed it to be. “Nothing” doesn’t cause you to stare dully out a window with your lips slightly parted and a pouty look in your eyes.
Todd closed his eyes momentarily before he began his explanation.
“I was just thinking… it’s going to snow soon.”
Neil lifted his eyebrows once more, “That was what had you so deep into thought? Snow?”
Todd lightly chucked. He had to admit, it sounded dumb. But then he continued. “Neil… I’ve never made a snow angel.”
“You’re kidding? Never?” He wasn’t sure why this shocked him so much, but it did. Neil thought back to childhood, laying in the fluffy snow as he stared up at the sky and moved his limbs out, then in. Out, then in. Out, then in.
He thought of the sky when it snows. How there looks to be nothing there but a pit of light, shedding sprinkles of tiny frozen magic onto the world.
“I always wanted to but Jeffrey never wanted to play with me and my mom and dad never let me go out in the snow alone.”
Neil felt a pang in his chest hearing this. He’d known Todd’s home life was far from satisfactory, and had even invented a flying desk set to comfort Todd through that, but no snow angels? It must’ve been torture; being a little kid, forced to stay inside on a snow day!
“I’ll tell you what…” Neil stood up from his bed and scampered over to the blonde boy. “When it finally snows… me and you are going to make snow angels galore. Welton’s gonna be full of them, you won’t be able to go anywhere without seeing them!”
Todd laughed at this. He loved the way Neil got riled up over the smallest things, and he appreciated it too.
“You promise?”
Neil smiled widely, “I promise.”
“Matter of fact,” Neil continued, lying back on his bed, facing towards the ceiling, “let’s practice!”
Todd laid back as well, mirroring Neil’s motions. They drew their arms and legs out, then in. Out, then in. Out, then in. All while laughing like maniacs.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!” The pair sang in unison dandily, not caring that it was November 15th, and snow wouldn’t come until mid December. If they sang, maybe it’d come sooner.
–
A month later, it came. The flurries rushed down as the blonde boy fell back into the fluffy snow. It was beautiful, something that Todd had only ever seen out of his bedroom window.
He did as they had rehearsed, drawing his arms and legs out, then in. Out, then in. Out, then in. He wasn’t as great as he had been when they’d practiced. He was never great without Neil.
Todd felt bad for disrupting the peacefulness that it brought upon the world, leaving his damned imprint on the flawless snow.
Yet there was no peace. There was no Neil.
No, that wasn’t right. That couldn’t be right, Todd thought. He wouldn’t leave us.
It couldn’t possibly be true. Neil had promised him snow angels, he wanted snow angels. For the first time in his entire life, Todd demanded something; snow angels.
In a way, he got them. But it wasn’t what he imagined.
Quite honestly, he couldn’t care less about the damn snow angels.
“Neil,” He spoke through gritted teeth, “I want Neil!”
He’d asked Neil for snow angels, and he’s gotten them. Maybe he could ask the snow for Neil, and he’d get him.
That’s not how it works, he thought to himself, sprawled stiffly on the ground. You’re delirious.
“Todd!” Charlie came running towards him, along with the rest of the poets. “Let’s get you inside. You’re gonna freeze to death out here!”
“No- no…” Todd protested, not taking his eyes away from the sky and how it spouted flurries of white. “Neil promised me the snow angels, gotta make snow angels. He’s not gone, we still gotta make snow angels.”
“Todd…” Knox began, trying to help him up, only to be met with the same barbaric yawp Todd had sounded moments before to the snow.
The boys finally got him off the ground with much force. Tears trickled down his cheeks and threatened to freeze to his face as he was brought back inside the school. He babbled incoherently, Charlie thought he heard “Neil promised me”, “He wouldn't lie”, “I’m no good at it without Neil”, and other sorrowful phrases.
it was busy, crowded. a bit too much if todd had to be honest. but tonight wasnt about him, it was about neil perry. he had just finished his play and everyone was going crazy, the cast came out onto the stage again to recieve the applause. which had turned into a standing ovation at this point.
the director, the producers, ginny and the rest of the cast where all standing together, holding hands. bowing down.
but the only person todd had eyes for was neil, his boyfriend neil. he felt so proud! after a while the applause died down and people started making their way out of the small theatre.
todd and a few of the other poets started making their way to the stage to try and find neil. but todd noticed he was too late, neils dad had already got there first, and was basically dragging neil out of there by the arm.
as neil passed by them he stopped and looked at todd, "todd. todd, i love you so much. im so sorry." there was something in neils eyes, and he couldnt really tell what it was. but it worried todd.
then it hit him! neil had just told todd he loved him. he had never said i love you before. oh god.. todd thought, i have to tell him i love him. so todd ran after neil and his dad, pushing his way through the crowd.
but it was too late, when he finally reached the outside of the theater. neil was already gone. i saw their car drive away in the distance.
"ill just tell him tomorrow." todd thought.
-
later that night
todd was lying in bed, it was almost 3am. todd and the other poets had the time of their lives tonight. they went to the cave and held a meeting in honour of neil! even keating came! he recited poetry for everyone, it was magical!!
now he was in this dark room, all alone. he felt happy, excited almost. because tomorrow he was going to tell neil he loved him. he feels slightly bad that he couldnt tell neil last night, but he would understand right? it all happened so fast.
god todd was excited to see neil again, he loved him so much. todd knew he had to go sleep right now, but he couldnt. instead he grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil and began to write.
he wrote a poem for neil.
he kept writing and writing.
he couldnt stop. his love for neil was almost flowing out of the pencil. until he got so tired that he could barely keep his eyes opened. he closed his eyes and fell asleep, thinking of neil.
-
the next morning
charlie shook todd awak, "todd.. neils dead." what happened after that was all a blur. todd could barely remember it. all he remembers is a feeling of guilt he was carrying around with him. 'maybe if i had told him i loved him..' it was silly of course. but he couldnt help but think he couldve saved neil somehow. not that he would ever tell anyone.
