So.... Rollercoaster of religious/spiritual experience of reaffirmation.
Beginning of this month, I was at my all-time low religiously. I get about 3 messages a day by those who are disgusted by my Wiccan faith, or are finding it to be their duty to police my beliefs of angelolatry. I never respond to these posts and they are deleted, but I still read them. Finally March 2nd I took down my altars and shrines, and wrote two posts on my crisis. One is still up, but the other has since been taken down.
On March 5th, I sat down with my Revelations deck when my dad wasn't home, and I pleaded for answers. I was scared that those people were correct, that my beliefs were wrong, ignorant and 'damaging'. I was anxious that the path I was following was a false one, that my interpretation of the angels was wrong (and thus my experiences with them were false/hallucinations/interpreted wrong). I was having a mental breakdown. I use the term 'smudging', and a lot of other Native American practices. Why? I am Native American. I am as white as snow, but I have native american blood. My mom and her father's side are all native american, and every year we (used) to go up to their festivals in the Summer. (Until I was about 10. We stopped doing it because my mom's step father attempted to sexually assault me). Now that I am eighteen, I could apply to have a native american status as Metis, but I've been holding back.
The answers couldn't have come clearer for me. The cards showed their images, and voices and sounds rushed through my mind. The first card I chose was for the question, 'Dionysus, I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how you are a good fit for me. Everything you are for, I am either indifferent to, not a part of, or against. I want to see alcohol criminalized. I hate drugs and smoking (I see the benefits of marijuana, but it's stupid to smoke it because you will risk developing cancers due to the smoke. Take it dry/orally please.... Also it's just not a pleasant smoke smell). I am a sex-repulsed asexual, so I am not too fond of the stories about your sexual adventures. Can you tell me why I feel called to you, despite all of this?"
And the card I got, depicted the figure pouring wine out of a cup and onto the ground, his face turned towards the light coming from the corner of the card. Dionysus filled me, and I could sense every word. I remember it vividly.
"Sex and drugs are not the sole of my domain. I am the craziness of life, the uncontrolled chaos of dance and singing and unmatchable creativity and expression. You have much to learn from me. You are correct in your thinking that sex is not the fund of the world, but you must take into consideration the creative potential it carries. You do not have to partake in my festival of the body, but you must become aware of its purpose, of why people are so excited to buy their tickets.
You still have a lot of acceptance to learn, just as every other person on the planet. Not just acceptance for others, but for yourself as well."
I pulled my second card. This one was to Persephone, so that she could explain why I felt drawn to her, and what she had to teach me.
The card depicts a figure with light filling their chest, hands held out and balanced.
"You have so much spiritual potential inside of you, child. You are new to this fold, to this Universe of Life and everything held within it. You are scared, I am well aware... This is natural. Every new spirit has felt the way you have, and it comes to pass, I guarantee you. I am with you to guide your heart and spirit on an emotional journey. You will learn the language of the spirits and all of energies, and you will come to quell the anxiety that blooms within."
I pulled a final card for the Archangels then. I didn't care who spoke to me then. It could be Uriel, it could be Raphael, or Cassiel... I just wanted a clear sign that they existed, and what I was doing wasn't wrong.
And I get the card that has the most beautiful angelic figure. Wings sprout from their back, and a swirl of color takes of everything.
They all talked at once. They all spoke within me so much, I was overwhelmed with this affirmation. "You are not quite there, but you are close." was one phrase I heard. "There is more, so much more." "We are here." "(My Name)," And it just repeated.
Yeah, I cried. I cried deeply. My altars and shrines were put back up the next day, and I splurged on offerings to all of them, as an apology for not believing.
I haven't gotten a hateful message since, but I'm sure it'll start back up as a way to test my faith. I'm ready. They have already given me clear signs of their intervention into my life (a very strange thing happened yesterday that saved my ass)... And I'm excited to see what they have to teach me. My faith is renewed, stronger than ever. All it took was a little nudge to get my bike going again.
