#anxious-preoccupied attachment

[that-gay-jedi]

Okay. Anakin, attachment styles, relational trauma, anxious-preoccupied Anakin. We need to talk about anxious-preoccupied Anakin.

First, a short (or as short as I can make it) primer on what the phrase "attachment styles" even describes. This is absolutely not attachment in the Buddhist sense of attachment/nonattachment as describing ways of responding to the transient nature of all things. BUT unlike the many anti-Jedi takes I've seen, attachment in this context absolutely isn't synonymous with love, either (good GOD no!!!!!).

Attachment styles describe a common grouping of traits that characterize how a person connects to others in relationships. Each one can only really be understood in context. Typical models have four attachment styles for adults: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant (subdivided into fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant), and anxious-avoidant. The last 3 are collectively referred to as insecure attachment styles, essentially styles which arise when people don't feel safe enough in one way or another to refuse acting on conditioned survival responses.

While most attachment theory is focused on how attachment styles affect compatibility in romantic relationships, the reality is these can come out in any type of interpersonal relationship. The overwhelming amount of literature is also targeted to straight people as a default, but these dynamics are just as real (possible even more prevalent since heteronormativity exposes us to increased familial trauma) for queer people.

Attachment styles begin forming in infancy and are very difficult to change, especially as a teen or adult. It's taken me personally over 14 years of dedicated practice to get like 75% of the way there. To call it merely a habit or a personality trait would be vastly underestimating the situation.

Please do not take any of the clickbait littered all over the internet about attachment styles at face value for anything, even fiction, because it's misinformed as fuck. And please don't use this post as IRL medical advice.

Also, to get a few things out of the way: no, the Jedi did not abuse Anakin. Chancellor Palpatine sure did though. No, the Jedi did not deserve Order 66. It's literally a fictionalized Holocaust. Yes, Anakin did need care and intervention he didn't get, but also yes, the Jedi did have some form of therapy. Given our society's piss-poor track record for helping traumatized children IRL, I doubt anyone here has room to throw shade on them.

If you do feel like this post is describing you or someone you know, THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU EVIL. It is important to remember that human beings are immensely diverse. People of any one attachment style will still relate differently based on factors like risk tolerance, culturally imposed values, varying levels of altruism and self-interest, differing triggers and stress responses, levels of introversion/extroversion, and so on. Anakin is one example of the anxious-preoccupied attachment style put in a very extreme situation, in fiction, in the context of everyone watching/writing already knowing he would become Vader.

Secure Attachment

A secure attacher is someone comfortable relating to others and navigating healthy boundaries. They can give you space as needed without feeling abandoned, give and receive support without feeling smothered, communicate effectively in close relationships, and are comfortable showing vulnerability when it's appropriate to do so. Typically, this happens when a child's caregivers hit a nice balance of being emotionally available, allowing the child their autonomy, and fostering the natural development of emotional self-regulation skills.

I would posit the majority of Jedi are likely secure, as they are given plenty of socialization in the creche, their material needs are met unconditionally, they aren't expected to care for their caregivers and they are taught to be considerate of the impacts of their choices on others. The standard of emotional self-regulation for adult Jedi is high, but they're still allowed to co-regulate and seek help from eachother.

Secure attachment is considered the stablest state and the one in which relational concerns do not present a constant source of distress, disruption, or maladaptive survival behaviours. As such, it's also the style most conducive to practicing nonattachment in the Jedi sense of the word.

Anxious-Preoccupied (AP) Attachment

Anxious-preoccupied relational habits develop when a very young child's caregivers give care inconsistently or conditionally, or in adverse conditions where a child endures extensive coercion and abnormally high levels of uncertainty from an early age. In Anakin's case, while Shmi's parenting is fine, the fact that they could be sold apart from each other at any time, and that slaves are beaten and worse at their owner's whims, was a recipe for him to develop AP attachment.

The core mechanics of anxious-preoccupied attachment are driven by two trauma-based beliefs. 1.) An AP attacher fears connection can be witheld or love taken away from them at any time. 2.) An AP attacher does not believe they will be loved unconditionally and therefore feels they need to do something or else risk being disposed of.

Since the formative experiences come from an age when abandonment by one's caregivers all but garauntees actual physical death, many anxiously attached adults do not believe they could survive or function without their loved ones, or may find the thought so painful it represents a meaningless existence or a fate worse than death.

People with the AP attachment style may stay loyal to and stay close to someone who has hurt them regardless of how severely or how many times, even if they know the person is dangerous or malicious (like Vader does with Sidious). Because they see themselves as wanted only for what they can do/be/provide/live up to, they usually live in constant fear of being replaced in favour of someone better suited to their loved ones' wants and needs.

When triggered to the most extreme expression of their survival behaviours, an AP who loves you will do anything for you, no matter how difficult or painful it is for them- and sometimes even if it compromises their own moral integrity. They can be tempted to behave possessively or act out, but are also in danger of losing their own sense of self or having their autonomy subverted.

Often, the attempt to earn love comes out as some form of intense performance pressure: achieving enough, being funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, helpful or useful enough etc etc. Taken with all the other signs of AP attachment Anakin shows, this is almost certainly the root of his hunger for praise.

"Earning" love usually also involves hiding the perceived "unwanted" parts of oneself, things like flaws, needs, vulnerabilities (this is why many APs struggle to say "No"). They may be unable to ask for support when it's needed, or may be able to ask but only in a very oblique/vague/stifled way. AP attachers tend to get very good at shrinking themselves emotionally or performing "acceptable" reactions (i.e. appearing contented or pleased when they're actually hurting). As would be expected of a slave.

This type of appeasement is almost certainly what Anakin is doing when he shuts down Ahsoka's attempts to get him to talk about his past as a slave, when he's vague with Yoda about his Force visions, when Padme has to ask him multiple times before he can tell her what's wrong, etc. It's basically a diffuse variant of the fawn response.

There's so much more left to say here but I'll have to continue/elaborate later. I'm gonna go touch grass. Reblog to give Anakin a headpat and tell him he's a good boy.

[unillustratedadventures]

Adult Attachment Styles and Intimacy

(This post is largely an edited copy-paste of the Wikipedia entry “Attachment in Adults”.)

The Adult Attachment Styles

Four main styles of attachment have been identified in adults:

Secure

Anxious-Preoccupied

Dismissive-Avoidant

Fearful-Avoidant

The Secure Attachment Style

Secure patterns of attachment behaviour are associated with a disposition to have a positive view of both self and others (i.e. a positive view of both one’s self and one’s potential figures of attachment). [For this reason, in relation to personality traits, the secure attachment style has an association both with levels of Agreeableness that are moderate or slightly higher than moderate, and with levels of Neuroticism that are not overly high.]

Securely attached adults tend to agree with the following statements:

It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others.

I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me.

I don't worry about being alone or others not accepting me.

This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with attachment figures. Securely attached adults tend to have positive views of themselves, their attachments, and their relationships. They often report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than adults with other attachment styles. Securely attached adults feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence.

During development, a secure attachment style and adaptive functioning are facilitated by caregivers who are emotionally available and appropriately responsive to their children’s attachment behaviours, as well as capable of regulating their own positive and negative emotions.

The Insecure Attachment Styles

In general, studies have shown that individuals with an insecure attachment style may be more vulnerable to mental health problems such as depression and anxiety disorders, in addition to having more difficulty with developing healthy attachments in adulthood.

Anxious-Preoccupied

Anxious-preoccupied patterns of attachment behaviour are associated with the disposition to have a negative view of self and a positive view of others (i.e. a positive view of potential figures of attachment). [For this reason, in relation to personality traits, the anxious-preoccupied attachment style has an association both with high levels of Neuroticism and with moderate-high levels of Agreeableness.]

Adults with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to agree with the following statements:

I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.

I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them.

Adults with this style of attachment tend to seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their attachment figure. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared to adults who are securely attached, adults who have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only recedes when in contact with the attachment figure. They often doubt their worth as an individual and blame themselves for the attachment figure's lack of responsiveness.

Adults who have an anxious-preoccupied style of attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Dismissive-Avoidant

Dismissive-avoidant patterns of attachment behaviour are associated with the disposition to have a positive view of self and a negative view of others (i.e. a negative view of potential figures of attachment). [For this reason, in relation to personality traits, the dismissive-avoidant attachment style has an association with low levels of Agreeableness and levels of Neuroticism that are not overly high (excluding the facet of anger/irritability).]

Adults with this dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with the following statements:

I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.

It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient.

I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.

Adults with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. They seek less intimacy with attachment figures, who they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. Adults with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (e.g. their attachments or relationships).

The dismissive style of avoidant attachment is by far the most common attachment style among those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Fearful-Avoidant

Fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment behaviour are associated with the disposition to be unstable or fluctuating in one’s view of self and others. [In relation to personality traits, the fearful-avoidant attachment style has an association with both high levels of Neuroticism and low levels of Agreeableness.]

Adults with significant losses or other trauma, such as sexual abuse in childhood or adolescence, appear to be more likely to develop this fearful style of avoidant attachment. Adults with this style of attachment tend to agree with the following statements:

I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others.

I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to completely trust others, or to depend on them.

I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people.

They tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and with attempts by others to establish such intimacy. This is despite the fact that, when they are not currently in a context of emotional closeness, they tend to pursue relationships that are characterised by such closeness (e.g. romantic relationships). The mixed feelings of the fearful-avoidant style tend to be combined with (sometimes unconscious) negative views about one’s self and one’s attachment figures, or with views of attachment figures that fluctuate between positive and negative. Those who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their attachment figures, but also tend not to trust the intentions of their attachment figures. Similar to the dismissive style of avoidant attachment, adults with the fearful style tend to seek less intimacy from attachment figures (at least in the context of an existing relationship) and frequently suppress and/or deny their feelings. Because of this, they can be uncomfortable expressing genuine affection.

While it can seem as though many individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, the fearful style of avoidant attachment is by far the most common attachment style among individuals with this personality disorder.

Intimacy and Styles of Attachment

Attachment theory has always recognised the importance of intimacy. Bowlby writes:

“Attachment theory regards the propensity to make intimate emotional bonds to particular individuals as a basic component of human nature, already present in germinal form in the neonate and continuing through adult life into old age.” (Bowlby, 1988, pp. 120–121)

The desire for intimacy has biological roots and, in the great majority of people, persists from birth until death. The desire for intimacy also has important implications for attachment. Relationships that frequently satisfy the desire for intimacy tend to cause more secure attachments. Relationships that rarely satisfy the desire for intimacy tend to cause less secure attachments.

Collins and Feeney have examined the relationship between attachment and intimacy in detail. In the context of a relationship, or attachment, they define intimacy as resulting from a special set of alternating interactions in which:

(A) One person discloses something important about herself to the other person (her attachment figure).

(B) Her attachment figure responds to her self-disclosure in a way that makes her feel validated, understood, and cared for.

Such interactions, which undergird intimacy, usually involve verbal self-disclosure, but can also involve non-verbal forms of self-expression such as touching, hugging, kissing, and sexual behaviour.

From this perspective, intimacy requires the following:

Willingness to disclose one's true thoughts, feelings, wishes, and fears

Willingness to rely on an attachment figure for care and emotional support

Willingness to engage in physical intimacy in the case of romantic or potential romantic partners

Accordingly, Collins and Feeney reviewed a number of studies that looked at how each attachment style relates to the willingness to self-disclose, the willingness to rely on partners, and the willingness to engage in physical intimacy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they concluded that the secure attachment style is generally related to more self-disclosure, more reliance on partners, and more physical intimacy than the other attachment styles. However, they also noted that the amount of intimacy in a relationship can vary due to personality variables and situational circumstances, and suggested that each attachment style might function, in its particular characteristic way, to adapt an individual to the context of intimacy in which she happens to live.

Mashek and Sherman reported some findings on relationships between attachment styles and desiring less emotional closeness with partners. On one hand, these findings are predictable: People who have the fearful-avoidant and anxious-preoccupied attachment styles typically want greater emotional closeness with their partners (under threat of anxiety), and people who have the dismissive–avoidant attachment style typically want less emotional closeness with their partners. On the other hand, the relatively large numbers of people who admit to wanting less emotional closeness with their partners (rising to 57%, in some studies) far outnumbers the people who have the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. This suggests that people who have some other attachment style (secure, anxious–preoccupied, or fearful-avoidant) sometimes seek less emotional closeness with their partners, possibly as a result of situational factors. In short, individual differences in the desire for less emotional closeness with partners are not solely accounted for by individual differences in attachment style.

***

General Remarks about Adult Attachment Theory

Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby founded modern attachment theory on studies of children and their caregivers. Obviously, relationships between adults differ in many ways from relationships between children and caregivers. And adult attachment theory does not presume that these two kinds of relationships are identical. Rather, it presumes that the core principles of attachment theory apply both to child-caregiver relationships and to adult relationships.

Investigators’ descriptions of the core principles of adult attachment theory vary quite a bit, at least on a superficial level. For example, Fraley and Shaver describe the “central propositions" of attachment in adults as follows:

The emotional and behavioural dynamics of infant-caregiver relationships and adult relationships are governed by the same biological system.

The kinds of individual differences observed in infant-caregiver relationships are similar to the ones observed in various close adult relationships.

Individual differences in adult attachment behaviour are reflections of the expectations and beliefs people have formed about themselves and their close relationships on the basis of their attachment histories; these “working models” are relatively stable and, as such, may be reflections of early caregiving experiences.

Romantic love, as commonly conceived, involves the interplay of attachment, caregiving, and sex.

Compare this with the five “core propositions” of attachment theory as listed by Rholes and Simpson:

Although the basic impetus for the formation of attachment relationships is provided by biological factors, the bonds that children form with their caregivers are shaped by interpersonal experience.

Experiences in earlier relationships create internal working models and attachment styles that systematically affect attachment relationships.

The attachment orientations of adult caregivers influence the attachment bond their children have with them.

Working models and attachment orientations are relatively stable over time, but they are not impervious to change.

Some forms of psychological maladjustment and clinical disorders are attributable, in part, to the effects of insecure working models and attachment styles.

The above lists clearly reflect the differing theoretical interests of the investigators who created them. However, a closer look reveals a number of shared themes. In particular, they share the following sentiments about adult attachment:

People are biologically driven to form attachments with others, but the process of forming attachments is influenced by learning experiences.

Individuals form different kinds of attachments depending on the expectations and beliefs they have about their relationships. These expectations and beliefs constitute internal “working models” that function to guide those individuals’ relationship behaviours.

In adults, these internal “working models” are relatively stable across the lifespan, even though they can be influenced by experience.

Differences among individuals in their attachment styles contribute (both positively and negatively) to individual differences in both mental health and the quality of individuals’ relationships with others.

Regarding the core principles of adult attachment theory, these shared themes are certainly not exhaustive. The key insight of the field, however, is simply that the same basic principles of attachment apply to close relationships throughout the lifespan.

Accordingly, the secure attachment style in adults corresponds to the secure attachment style in children. The anxious–preoccupied attachment style in adults corresponds to the anxious-ambivalent attachment style in children. However, the dismissive-avoidant attachment style and the fearful-avoidant attachment style, which are distinct in adults, both correspond to the avoidant attachment style in children.

[ehtrym]

Patterns

Over the past few months I’ve noticed that I always feel SO painfully rejected and abandoned over the tiniest little things. I never realised how much of a problem this was in my day to day life but hoooo boy it sure fucking is. My overreactions are not normal or healthy. They always lead me straight to my endless ‘hello death i welcome you with open arms’ defeatist thoughts. Makes sense right?!?!?

The way I behaved when the bf and I broke up, for instance. I kept a journal in those days and it is badddd. I was completely obsessed with getting him back. Not... ordinary heartbroken person amount obsessed but way, way worse than that. Even now I can honestly say that I would see no point in being alive if without our relationship. Because it IS my life.

More common examples: a friend doesn’t reply to a message I sent on whatsapp, a customer doesn’t reciprocate my friendliness, [close family member] hasn’t replied to something I sent but responded instantly in the group chat, my parents haven’t thought to contact me FIRST, my boyfriend didn’t hug and console me enough (to my liking) when I had a scooter accident, etc etc.

Well. Someone mentioned anxious-preoccupied attachment and.... This is absolutely 100% me:

Adults with preoccupied attachment patterns are often feel desperate and assume the role of the “pursuer” in a relationship. They often have positive views of other people, especially their parents and their partner, and generally have a negative view of themselves. They rely heavily on their partner to validate their self-worth. Because they grew up insecure based on the inconsistent availability of their caregivers, they are “rejection-sensitive.” They anticipate rejection or abandonment and look for signs that their partner is losing interest.

These people are often driven to engage in pre-emptive strategies in an attempt to avoid being rejected. However, their excessive dependency, demands and possessiveness tend to backfire and precipitate the very abandonment that they fear. Attachment theorists and researchers Shaver and Clark, (1994), have observed that “preoccupied” partners appear to be “perpetually vigilant and somewhat histrionic.”  They feel resentful and angry when their partner doesn’t provide the attention and reassurance they feel they need. They often believe that unless they dramatically express their anxiety and anger, it is unlikely that the other person will respond to them. Many of those with preoccupied attachments are reluctant to express their angry feelings toward a partner for fear of potential loss or rejection. When they try to suppress their anger, their behavior tends to vacillate between outbursts of anger and pleas for forgiveness and support. In some cases, the fears and anxieties can lead to more serious emotional disturbances, such as depression.

How are patterns of attachment supported by the critical inner voice?

The pessimistic beliefs and expectations associated with adult attachment patterns are reinforced by destructive thoughts or critical inner voices about oneself, others, and the world in general. These critical voices strongly influence a person’s style of relating in an intimate relationship. People with a preoccupied adult attachment have “voices” that support their beliefs that the world is an emotionally unreliable place filled with uncertainty and the potential loss of those they love. Examples of their voice attacks are, “It’s obvious that he/she is losing interest in you.” “Why isn’t he/she more affectionate?”  “He/she always has an excuse for not wanting to make love.” “You’re so needy and dependent. No wonder she(he) doesn’t like you.” “He/she doesn’t love you as much as you love him/her.”

The funny thing is that I probably won’t bother going back to a psychologist with all this. Because....... the last time I went I FELT REJECTED BY MY PSYCHOLOGIST :D:D