#apathypersonal

[finchwell]

This is my sweetheart, Mew-mew. Mewdle. The snoodle. She'll be crossing the rainbow bridge soon. She's been diagnosed with a mass on her liver. About the size of a golf ball. And I'll probably never see her again after tomorrow. So here's one of my all time favorite pictures of her. She's been with me through almost everything in my life. More than anyone, really. And I hope that I made her sixteen and a half years something special and enjoyable for her. 🐱💝

[finchwell]

Today I discovered that I'm allergic to mangos

That is all

[finchwell]

I don't understand how I'm ever going to function in a working society when there are so many people who thrive on negativity. It makes me physically ill. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I realize I've got depression and complain a lot but I fight hard against the negativity trap. So it's just so disheartening when I don't see others try too, especially at work.

[finchwell]

I’ve gotten so sick this year. I’m better now. And I’ve been so, so, so lonely. What’s so funny is that it’s like. It’s not even like I was less lonely before in California. I definitely was. But I’m certainly more isolated now. Regardless, the last few nights I’ve had absolutely awful dreams. And I’ve had a constant heart-sink feeling for three or four days as a result. I haven’t felt this low in such a long time. Maybe I need to get my medicine upped up. Who knows.

The dreams the night before last were about an ex an I at a fair. And then about me trying to find my dad, who was apparently a train conductor. We had to get his train somewhere and he wasn’t answering his phone. Turns out it was because he only used it with WiFi and didn’t have a SIM card I guess.

But last night the dreams were vivid. And painful.

I dreamed about the last person I was in love with. And we had already broken up. And I was living in my childhood house. Suddenly its 3 am and I hear his voice, clear as day, coming from the house behind ours. He’s drunk. And laughing. And seems to be so happy. Which makes me happy. But also makes me cry. I guess he and some friends were having a party. One of his friends must have lived behind my house.

Anyway. I wanted to go talk to him the next morning. To tell him I was sorry and to see how things were. And to let him know that I wanted to say hello to him so many times, but friends back home would usher me away whenever he came nearby. Maybe they were trying to spare me, I don’t know. But it hurt every single time they did it (that happened in real life, btw). Anyway, I go over early the next morning. And I come up to the house. And he’s sleepily talking to this....girl. And she’s prettier than me and her hair is somehow perfect. And she’s running her fingers through his hair. And it’s gotten so long again and is beautiful. And I catch his eyes and he just kind of smiles at me like “can I help you?” And I turn away. And I wake up crying. But no before I hear his friends talking bad about me as I turn away. Which I was always afraid of when I met them. I don’t think any of them really ever liked me. And one of them was pretty hostile to me, actually. even when we were dating.

I don’t know if he hates me now or not. If he doesn’t I’m sure his friends do. Which may or may not influence him, but it certainly makes me nervous and uncomfortable. And I shouldn’t feel this way. Not after the way things happened. But I do. And it hurts so, so, so bad. This happened well over a year ago. And I just. Can’t. Stop. Feeling this way. It hurts so bad. I see things or hear things here all the time that remind me of him or that I want to show. And I can’t.

[finchwell]

All of the cats that I’ve seen in Japan so far are scared of me. But I love them. I love them all. And I want to pet them so bad.

I also really want a hug. I haven’t gotten a hug since I left. I didn’t think I would miss that.

[finchwell]

I am consistently afraid that I am not kind enough.

[finchwell]

It's been six years today since my father died. And I can't believe the path my life has gone down in that time. It's not anything like I thought it would be. But it's also not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm alive. I have a good job. I have plans. I have good things and good people. And I'm sad. Just for today. I'm so so sad. I could have gotten lunch with him today. I could have called. I could have hugged him and told him how much he meant to me and what an influence on my life he has been. I would have taken an extra long lunch to be with him. We would have talked about my graduation ceremony next week. And he'd say he was proud of me for achieving something like that despite everything that's happened. He worked just a few miles from where I work now. He died there. And I get reminded of that every day when I bike to and from work. And I miss him.

[finchwell]

Omg I am garbage. I just spilled a drink all over my coworkers books. I'm so...mortified. I never spill anything. Like ever. Like I never even grab napkins when I go places because I never spill. And now I think he's mad and won't talk to me and I feel terrible.