“You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.” - E.E. Cummings
-26 Days After-
Emerson turned away from him, gripping the edge of the wall. She shimmied down side, her foot hooking in the crack that they used to get up in the first place.
“It isn’t ruined. How can you say it’s already ruined?” Dean asked, staring at her hard.
Her feet hit the ground.
“Em, hey, wait.” His feet hit the ground behind her, and he reached out a hand for her.
“What, Dean?” She asked, turning to him. “What?”
“You really think that it’s over? Because of this? Because of Lis?”
“Dean have you ever thought that it isn’t supposed to be like this?”
He frowned and stepped toward her, but she stepped away. Distance was best for them, she decided.
“Like what?” He asked quietly.
“So goddamn hard? It isn’t supposed to be this hard... all of this back and forth. The will they won’t they. Dean, it isn’t supposed to hurt like this. It isn’t like this for Pheli and Sam.”
“We aren’t Pheli and Sam.”
“I know.” Emerson said, but it sounded to Dean like she didn’t know. She couldn’t know, because if she knew, then wouldn’t she know that being Ophelia and Sam wasn’t the goal? They were the goal. Him and her. There was no one else he would rather be. “But since we are us... we will always be this way. We will always be in the in between. You said I was the sky, in not so many words. But you’ve only ever looked at the sky at night. I’ve only let you see it at night. If you’re going to be with someone you can’t be with them half way, you know? I’m not blaming you. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t Lisa... I just see her, and I know that with her you could have all of it. You’ll never have that with me. So it’s better that it all ends now, before it ever really begins. I can’t give you the day and the night. I can’t, and I won’t.”
She turned away to hide the pain on her face. Endings were always the hardest part, and they’d always been running downhill toward this end. She knew it from the beginning. She was tripping and falling the whole way down.
“Em, wait.”
“What?” She asked before turning her head. “What else could you possibly have to say?”
He wanted to fight. He knew that’s what Sam would do. He wouldn’t walk away, but Sam was a goddamn doormat. Emerson was right. They weren’t Ophelia and Sam. If she didn’t want to be with him he couldn’t make her. He wouldn’t make her. All pushing does is hurt. He didn’t want to hurt her anymore than he already had. “Nothing.” He forced a smile, like everything inside wasn’t crumbling. As if a small breeze wouldn’t make him fall apart. “Just wanted to make sure you’d still be around. Just in the normal way. Friends and all that.”
“Of course I will be around. You’re Dean. Don’t think I can completely cut you out. That’d be wrong.”
“And you’re Emerson.”
“Just like I always was.” She turned her head again to go, but he stopped her one last time.
“Sky is beautiful tonight though, ain’t it?”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you always did have pretty eyes, Dean Winchester.”
She shut the book, just like that, and he let her. He released the line between them, and when she walked away he didn’t stop her. He just watched her disappear back toward the camp, his hand over his chest, as if the pressure would stop his heart from breaking.
****
“Phel we need to talk.” Emerson said, stepping into the tent. It was dark inside, but she could make out her sister from the lantern that was lit.
“I see you got out of the tent today.” Pheli said with a wide smile. “I’m really glad.”
“We need to talk.”
“Jeez, okay. You’ve got your serious face on, what’s up?”
“You said... you said you took care of it. What do you mean by that, Phel?”
Ophelia pulled her knees to her chest. “You really want to get into this?”
“I do.” Emerson frowned. “What? You thought I’d just accept that answer with a grain of salt and never bring it up again?”
“I kind of hoped you would.”
“What did you do, Ophelia?” Emerson asked, lowering herself to a seated position in front of her sister. She took Pheli’s hands in her own. “Tell me.”
“I... I took care of him. I want on a supply run with some of the guys...”
“You did what? Are you fucking crazy? When?”
“This morning.”
Emerson’s head throbbed. She knew that there was a huge chance that she could’ve lost her sister while she was asleep, while she was talking to Lisa. It made her want to throw up. “That was really fucking stupid.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you I volunteered. I’m capable, Em.”
“It isn’t about being capable! This isn’t the school musical or a homecoming committee, Phel. This is life and death.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Pheli hissed through clenched teeth. “I know that. Trust me.” She instinctively rubbed the hand print scar on her ankle from where she was grabbed.
Emerson let the anger that welled up inside of her calm a bit. Everything was okay. Pheli came out unscathed as far as she could tell. “So, you went on a supply run. Then what happened?”
“I was partners with Gordon. I wanted to confront him.”
Em curled her hands into fists, her nails digging into her palms as her heart rate skyrocketed. “You could’ve been hurt.”
“I was armed.”
“So was he, and he’s strong Phel...”
Pheli reached forward and grabbed her sisters hands. “I know, Em. I just... he needed to pay.”
She nodded and wiped the tears off her cheek with the back of her hand. “You were partners.”
“We went up to the roof and he latched the door. He wanted to talk.”
“About what?”
“He assumed I was there to confront him. He just... he said horrible things, Em. He is a disgusting person. I just... I had my gun and suddenly I hit him. I was pointing it at him.” She pressed her lips together, her hands trembling.
“You killed him.”
Pheli avoided her eyes.
“Phel you killed him? My god.” Emerson covered her mouth and stood up. She paced for a second before turning back to her sister. “I didn’t want... I just can’t believe... god...”
“I wanted to protect you.” Pheli was crying now. Her hands were shaking. “I knew what I had to do. He would’ve done it again...”
“I am an adult, Phel. I can handle my own problems! I can’t believe you did this... confronted him. That was so risky, and what about now? What happens now?”
“I know you can, but you’d do it for me. We protect each other. I just saw you so broken... he ruined everything. You were finally happy, and Dean keeps begging me to see you...”
“That’s over.” Emerson crossed her arms.
“I hoped... I hoped getting rid of Gordon would change that.”
“It isn’t just about him.” She said, wincing at the sound of his name. She knew that she wouldn’t be sleeping that night. “Dean and I... not everyone gets happily ever after. It’s just not in the cards. I couldn’t give him enough of me before the assault. Now there’s nothing left to give. He deserves more than that.”
“You deserve more than this.”
Emerson locked eyes with her sister. “I do.” She agreed. “But people keep taking my choices away from me. So I’m just left with this. This is the end, Phel. It’s time we just accept that.”
****
“How’d it go?” Sam asked his brother as he walked up to their original tree. Sam sat below it, cleaning their guns. He didn’t know what else to do with his time. He had a new sensation for the first time since being pre-law, he was bored.
“It’s over, man.” Dean said, slumping down next to his brother.
“Over?”
“Yup. C’est la vie.”
Sam put down the piece he was cleaning and turned toward Dean. “That’s bullshit. No way.”
“You like to hear me repeat myself, Sammy? Come on, give a guy a break.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache.
“What happened?”
“Dunno. She claims that it’s not about Lis. She said she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want me. Can’t make her want me, man, no matter how much I want her to.”
“I just... after all this time, man, I was sure that she wanted to be with you. I thought the back and forth was just a game. I really did.”
Dean sighed. “So did I. Deep down, ya know? Just me thinkin I’m not good enough and her pushin me away. Maybe she was keeping me at arms length, because she really wanted me to stay away from her? I can’t take a fuckin hint, apparently.”
“Maybe Phel can...”
“Nah. I don’t want her to. I want to respect Em’s choices. I should be the good guy, for once.”
Sam slapped his brothers shoulder and squeezed. “You’re always a good guy, Dean. Pain in the ass, but you’re a good guy. What about Lisa?”
“What about her?”
“She still wants you. That’s pretty obvious.”
“I don’t want her, though.” Dean said, digging in his jacket for his flask. There wasn’t much left, but being rejected so completely made him ache for something to numb his senses, even for just a second. “She’s not the one. She never was the one.”
-5 Years Before-
It was Emerson’s first day of senior year. Sam woke up early and surprised Pheli with breakfast, it was their first day tradition. That left Emerson to a cold breakfast burrito and a languid walk to school. It wasn’t a big deal. She could’ve taken the bus, but she had a lot to mull over. Her head still pounded from the party on the pier. She wrapped her arms around herself. She’d done such a good job of keeping Dean out of the soft places within her, but somehow he still got in. He wiggled in through the cracks and made them bigger. She was spilling out of them.
She turned a corner toward the school when she felt a yank on her backpack, sending her flying backwards. She screamed, high and quick from shock. Her back was pressed against a tree, and when her eyes finally focused she saw that she was nose to nose with Dean Winchester. “Christ!” She said, slapping his chest. “You scared me.”
“Em.”
“Dean?”
“Skip school today.”
She frowned, eyeing him. “It’s my first day. I can’t.”
“It’s your first day, you can.” He insisted, eagerly. “You won’t have any homework. You won’t miss anything.”
She could smell cigarettes on his breath and it made her nose curl up. “I might. I can’t skip.”
“You can.” He sighed, resting his palm next to her head. “But you won’t.”
“Yeah, okay. I won’t. What’s so wrong with that? I value my education... I value...” My heart. She thought, selfishly.
“I get it.” He sighed, moving his arm back to his side.
She grabbed his forearm and bore her eyes into his. “Why do you want me to skip today?”
His tongue darted out across his bottom lip, like he was trying to find the right words. “I’m runnin out of time, okay?”
Emerson couldn’t help but smile. His eyes looked so green next to the grass and the leaves from the tree. The nature framed him like a picture. “And you couldn’t get any of your other girlfriends to spend the day with you?”
He frowned, his eyebrows coming together. “Don’t have any other girlfriends.”
“You? Come on, Dean. You don’t have to keep pretending...”
“Whose pretending?”
She let go of his forearm, his skin white for a beat as her tight grip disappeared. “Why me? Can’t be just because of Phel and Sam.”
He smiled, letting out a breath. “You... it’s you, because when we were kids, I tried to touch your butt, and you punched me in the face. You broke my goddamn nose. You were this little scrappy thing with braces. You didn’t take my shit, and you don’t take it now. You’re just special, Em.”
She searched his face and as far as she could tell he was being genuine. “One day.” She agreed. “Just fucking one. So don’t screw it up.”
“Yes m’am.” He said with a grin, taking her hand in his. He lead her to the Impala and opened the passenger door for her.
She slid in and tossed her backpack into the backseat. He slid in next to her and started the car. “Where are we going?” She asked him.
“It’s called a surprise, Em.”
She rolled her eyes. “I hate surprises, Dean.”
“Lighten up.” He popped in a cassette tape and sang along.
Emerson smiled and kicked off her converse, placing her bare feet on the dash. She rolled down the window and let the warm air cover her. She wasn’t the kind of girl that went with the flow, but she decided that day would be different.
He got on the highway near the beach and drove along the coast. Emerson breathed in the warm, salty air. She turned and caught him looking at her. “What?”
“I like you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Relaxed. It’s a good look on you.”
Emerson waived him off dismissively and turned back to the blue of the ocean. She could look at it forever. She always felt the most at peace near the water. She closed her eyes, to let the heat of the sun soak into her skin, and the ocean waves rock her to sleep.
“Hey.” Dean whispered. “We’re here.”
“Hm?” She asked, sitting up slowly, blinking. Where the hell was she?
She looked around. They were on a bridge in what looked like the middle of nowhere. She squinted at Dean, and then it all came back to her. He convinced her to skip school. Shit. She sat up straight, alarmed. “Where are we?”
“Come on.” He said, with a smile. He offered her a hand, as he got out of the car.
He guided her out to the bridge where she found more people gathered at the edge of the bridge. They were strapping a man around his ankles and hips. “What’s going on?” Emerson asked.
“Ready!” The man said, with a huge grin, as he hoisted himself over the railing of the bridge.
Emerson’s eyes widened and she grabbed Deans hand instinctively. “What the...”
The man screamed as he let himself tumble over the edge. Emerson let go of Deans hand and ran to the edge. She watched the man dive down, dip into the river and bounce back up from the bungee cord. He was laughing hysterically and wiggling.
“Oh my god.” She exhaled in relief. Dean appeared behind her, resting a hand on her lower back.
“Amazing, ain’t it?”
“Incredible.”
“We’re next.” He grinned.
“Excuse me?” She looked at him with horror.
Dean pushed her hair behind her ears and held her face. “You weren’t scared to jump this weekend.”
“That wasn’t this high up.”
“I’ll be right there with you. Do it with me, Em. Let’s just do something fucking crazy.”
The breeze off the river was cool. It was September, but the heat of the Summer lingered well into October. Emerson stepped into her hip harness and allowed herself to be strapped in. Her ankles were pressed together and strapped in place. She wrapped her arms around Dean after he snapped their hips together. They stood on the ledge outside of the bridge, up against the railing. His strong arms held them in place.
“I can’t believe you talked me into this.” She said, looking up at him.
He smiled brightly, his eyes lighting up. “You’re telling me.”
Somehow anything felt possible in that moment. Emerson half expected him to sprout wings and fly away. The breeze tickled her cheek, and she gripped his shirt in her fingers. Their eyes locked, and she thought that she would kiss him. She thought that maybe she finally would give in. She raised her heels, hearing their hip gear jangle between them as she slowly closed the space between them.
He was crazy. He was wild and unpredictable. He wasn’t like Sam. Things with him were complicated and mixed up, but when she was so close to him, things just made sense. She wasn’t the girl who had to take care of her mom. She didn’t have to shoulder the responsibilities of an impossible disease and a sister who needed a parent more than ever. She didn’t have to be the angry, guarded girl whose father walked out and took away her trust. She was just a girl. She was completely herself.
Their lips were a breath apart when Dean let go of the railing. They fell backwards, and his arms wrapped around her tightly. It was a fast fall, despite the height, she screamed, and he laughed. Their lips brushed from the impact of the fall. It wasn’t a kiss. It wasn’t anything, really. It was a reaction, chained onto another action.
Their heads dipped below the water and they came out laughing and swinging by their ankles. “That was incredible!” She shouter, squeezing him tightly. “That was amazing, god I could just...”
“Just what?” He asked, looking into her eyes. He was still grinning widely and panting from the breath that was ripped from his chest.
“I...”
Dean reached down and uncoupled their ankles, causing them to fall into the river. She came up, breaking the water, and she spit some at him. “Hey, ass!”
He smiled at her warmly. “Come on. I heard there are leaches in this river.” He said, swimming toward the shore.
“What?” She squealed, swimming after him.
“Just kidding.” He laughed as he settled onto the bank of the river.
“You’re such an ass.” She complained, settling down next to him.
“So I’ve heard.” He grinned, laying on his back and staring at the sky.
Emerson followed his lead and laid on her back. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For bringing me. I wouldn’t have done that in a million years.”
“You gotta keep doin that, Em.”
“Jumping off bridges?” She laughed.
“Taking risks. I don’t want you to live in shell.” He reached forward and poked your side. “You look alive.”
“What do I normally look like?” She asked him, propping herself up on her elbows. “A zombie?”
“Kinda.” He laughed.
“You’re just asking to get your nose broken again, Winchester.” She eyed him.
“No.” He said, rolling onto his side. “Just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” She assured him. “In this moment... I am happy.”
Dean rolled back over and looked at the sky. He rested on his arm like a pillow, watching the clouds.
Emerson watched him. There was a peace in him that she hadn’t seen before, and she suddenly wished it could always be like that. She missed him so deeply in that moment. She mourned for the moment in time that she possessed. So mourned it before she even let it pass. Her heart ached, because she knew that they would never be able to replicate that day that they spent by the river. Her heart ached, because she knew in that moment that she would never love another person like she loved Dean Winchester.
—————
Chapter Nineteen
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