[What the hell am I doing with the constant incorrect quotes at this point???]
[THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME EDITION (Mostly Quasi, Esmeralda, and Phoebus (Also, some quotes feature Esmeralda x Phoebus, and others feature Esmeralda x Phoebus x Quasimodo))]
Esmeralda: Having two partners is both amazing and complicated. But all our problems are solved with communication.
Phoebus: It’s my turn to cuddle Quasimodo.
Esmeralda: FIVE MORE MINUTES DAMMIT!
Phoebus: Unpopular opinion, not all dogs are good boys.
Phoebus: Sometimes, they’re good girls!
Esmeralda: *sees someone doing something stupid*
Esmeralda: What an idiot.
Esmeralda: *realizes it's Phoebus*
Esmeralda: Wait, that's MY idiot!
Frollo: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.
Frollo: Anyways, you said Quasimodo is enjoying finger painting! That's great.
Frollo: And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.
Archdeacon: You mean you stabbed him?
Frollo: He ran into my knife.
Esmeralda: We’ve found the person who stole your identity and was impersonating you.
Phoebus: Where were they?
Esmeralda: Eating cheetos and crying in their car.
Phoebus, impessed: Damn, they really went for it.
Phoebus: Social distancing says you shouldn't be within an elbow's distance of each other.
Phoebus: Social distancing doesn't say nothing about feet! *kicks opponent in the face*
Esmeralda, holding a rock: Phoebus just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".
Quasimodo: If you don't marry them, I will.
Esmeralda: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Esmeralda, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
Quasimodo: Do you even, cuddle, bro? Do you even lift, bro… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!
*Esmeralda and Phoebus are fighting*
Quasimodo, taking aspirin: I have a headache! Can you guys just be cool?!
*Esmeralda and Phoebus start fighting while wearing sunglasses and riding skateboards*
(On that note, who knows how many headaches Quasi gets every day due to all the bell-ringing he does-Ooh! New headcanon!)
Frollo: The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was changing their name to Esmeralda
Quasimodo: When Esmeralda was born, God said, "She's too perfect for this world."
Frollo: Please. When she were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."
Esmeralda: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Clopin: Literally or figuratively?
Esmeralda: I have to specify?
Archdeacon: Hey Frollo, have you seen the painter?
Frollo: Nope. Have you seen the meat tenderizer?
Archdeacon, confused: What?
Frollo, grabbing the meat tenderizer out of the drawer: No reason, religious judge things!
(Damn it, dude. Not the painter of all people!)
Quasimodo: So, how long have you and Esmeralda been together?
Phoebus: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Esmeralda and I are not together. No. No.
Quasimodo: Really? Sixteen ‘nos’? Really?
(Felt the need to put in one featuring the Gargoyles)
*Casually in the Middle of a Dangerous Situation*
Hugo: How do you eat pickles?
Victor: What do you mean?
Hugo: I mean, there's a whole process. It's not like you can grab them from the jar with your hand, because it's cold and the juice burns if you have a cut, plus, it's pretty unsanitary. And you can't use a spoon because you'll have to scoop it out, and it'll be way too difficult to grab more than three or four without taking 10 minutes along with half the brine in the jar, even if it's one with holes.
Victor: Yeah, that's why you use a fork
Hugo: Okay, sure, but what if you don't have one of the big ones clean? It's weird to use a small one. But there is always one of those smaller sharp knives clean.
Victor: But the straight edge doesn't really fit the cylindrical shape, and you have to make sure you don't break it, it's too much work.
Hugo: It makes me feel like I deserve the pickles though. Like, "Yeah, I did it. That's right. Good job me." It's empowering. But even after that, it's not like you can use a bowl.
Victor: I get that, it's not asthetically pleasing.
Hugo: Exactly! And it looks weird if you don't entirely fill the bowl, but you also can't eat that many. My solution: Use a mug.
Victor: *nods in agreement*
Larvene: That is all very interesting, BUT WE'RE TRYING NOT TO DIE RIGHT NOW! USE YOUR LIMITED ATTENTION SPANS AND FOCUS!
Victor: Quit yelling at us already.
Frollo: Hey, you wanna know a secret?
Archdeacon: Do you smell smoke?
Frollo: The secret is that Paris is on fire.
(First the painter, and now Paris??? What is wrong with you???)
Esmeralda: *eating a cinnamon roll*
Esmeralda: *confused chewing noises*
(This one's a little more NSFW, but also not at the same time...)
Esmeralda: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?
Phoebus: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out on bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?
Phoebus: Stop doing that.
Quasimodo: Stop doing what?
Phoebus: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.
Phoebus: Are we fighting or flirting?
Esmeralda: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Quasimodo: So, what is Esmeralda to you?
Phoebus: The reason I wake up every morning.
Quasimodo: ...That’s adorable.
Esmeralda earlier that morning, barging into Phoebus′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!
Clopin: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I’m falling asleep already.
Clopin: “Cowards”, on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, casual and fun, short and to the point, exciting, and dramatic.
(Strong words coming from the guy who used "ladies and gentlemen" multiple times)
(Quotes 25-30 will feature more angry/aggressive shippy/general duo quotes with the Archdeacon and Frollo, not because I ship them (gross), but because I gained the headcanon that some of their interactions are similar to that of a ex-toxic-old-man-yaoi couple who's been separated for many years but is still extremely bitter about each other while also never having been in a relationship with one another (Because again, gross). Plus, the idea sounds a bit funny to me (Also, this idea may have worked better in my head))
Frollo: *referring to something he himself caused* We have a problem.
Archdeacon: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.
Frollo: Sorry I'm late. I was doing things
Archdeacon: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!
Frollo: Priest kink is definitely a thing and I am afflicted by it.
Archdeacon: Go to church.
Archdeacon: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?
Frollo: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Frollo: I don’t know how you keep forgetting this.
Archdeacon: *trying out a new look and displaying it to all the religious officials* There. How do I look?
Frollo: *not looking up from his Bible (didn't even bother to see the look)* Like a cheap French harlot.
Archdeacon: *offended* French?!
(Strong words coming from 2 French citizens)
Archdeacon: *trying to get with the times* What’s sexting?
Frollo: *happened to overhear* I'm not having this conversation with you.
(That's all I got for now. Have a great day or night, wherever you are!)
