#ariels words

[picnic-system]

When people say that DID is rare it just kind of rubs me the wrong way and I don’t understand exactly why. Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?

[picnic-system]

I don’t like when you sit there and tell me your childhood was worse than mine. That me and him are different than you and her because you both went through “real physical abuse.” Each of us had messed up lives in that house, who are you to say my trauma isn’t enough? To say I wasn’t physically abused? You don’t know anything that’s ever happened to me and you never will. I don’t need to justify myself to you or “prove” that I was abused.

Screw You. I can’t believe you’d say that.

[picnic-system]

Peeps, I hope you’re having a good day, night, evening, wherever you are. I’m in my therapist office waiting for my session to start and I just wanted to check in with you and let you know that I’m still here. We’re still here. I know we used to blog a lot more and we’ll jump back into that soon I promise.

There’s a lot going on and it’s easy to feel disregarded during these times, easy to put others before yourself and decide to practice self-care later but I’m here to remind you to take a deep breath today. Take breath, drink some water, honestly just do a few stretches today and remember where you are. You’re important. You’re surviving and by taking take of yourself you can begin to thrive. Treat yourself like you’d treat your favorite plant, your pet, your favorite pair of shoes.

Ahaha, just value yourself today please. That’s it.

Ariel.

[picnic-system]

Once I came out to my boyfriend as genderfluid.

I didn’t actually know too much about genderfluidity and gender itself was a big question mark for me. I told him I had these intense feelings of masculinity sometimes and that there were days that I wished he’d call me he/him pronouns. You guys don’t know my boyfriend but he wasn’t always the biggest LGBT+ ally that he is today, he was iffy on gay marriage and his religion was a huge conflict on how he wanted to view it. When we first met I was in my glory phase of being Bi and out of the closet, literally everything I did had a huge rainbow on it and I could probably turn any conversation into a way for me to out myself.

I was bi and proud and loud about it but for him? He was still struggling with it. There were a lot of nights where we fought and cried about this, he told me about all the ways that his faith did not support the LGBT and I told him all the ways that his decisions were his own. I know that religion can be open and free but for my boyfriend he just had some internal struggles that made everything worse for him. Eventually though.. through lots of late night talks and countless ‘This doesn’t make you a bad person’ and ‘yes I do love you.’ He did come around, he’s even out as bisexual himself! He’s not loud and proud about it like me and he never made an effort to make sure everyone knew it like me but... he was happy with it. So I was happy with it.

Then.. I got older, and I’ve always heard voices and stuff, but as I grew and they become more personified I still didn’t know exactly what they were. The biggest influence was who I now know is Jake, we kind of had an odd co-conscious thing going on a lot where I knew something was different but I couldn’t tell what or who or why I felt like... a man?

I thought I was crazy or something, I’d never felt like a guy before and right now I honestly don’t know what a guy feels like but I can tell you that that’s what I felt. Being a child of the internet I did what I thought I should do and googled what I felt and that’s where I was introduced to genderfluid. It fit most of my feelings and allowed me to push away that nagging, ‘This doesn’t even feel like me though’ voice in the back of my head. My dissociation could kind of feel freed by glueing on this label. So I told my boyfriend.

His reaction was confused as I guess anyone who knew me would be, he said he’d always seen me as a girl and he’d never thought I wanted anything otherwise. But he loved me and if that’s what I wanted then he didn’t mind it. He even helped me find a male name that I wanted and anytime I felt ‘masculine’ I just had to tell him and then he’d switch pronouns and names. It was easy and I really fell into it... that voice in my head still kept eating at me. As distracting as this was it just didn’t feel right, now I can look back and know that these feelings of masculinity were also heavily accompanied by dissociation and relate to my own feelings of switching now.

I didn’t tell anyone other than my boyfriend about my genderfluid identity because I had no true faith in it. It was like a bandaid and eventually it just fell off. I started therapy with a new therapist and she talked about dissociation a lot, the original four (Jake, M, Yellow, and Alice) made themselves known to me in time and I recognized these feelings more as Jake. I knew that was just him. My boyfriend also didn’t mind me taking back my coming out as he learned about DID and everything fit like a puzzle piece like that.

I’m not saying that being genderfluid is a phase or not real, I just wanted to share my experience with it and how it helped me cope with feelings I didn’t understand. I am a cisgender lol completely a girl but... I’m grateful for what I discovered and grateful to the genderfluid community who were very open and helpful to younger me.

[picnic-system]

Could we get some advice maybe?

Hey, so my therapist suggested that me and the rest of the krusty krew start keeping a journal where we can communicate better considering that because we’ve been having resurfacing memories, it’s been hard to talk. I’m hoping that we could have someone who actively keeps a system journal maybe talk to us about it? Some tips or tricks to help in remembering to write? Thanks a lot in advance!

[picnic-system]

How is everyone doing those carrd things?? And the link stuff in the bio?? Am I just little brained or is it confusing anyone else.

[picnic-system]

So there’s a new alter, his name is Shylow and it’s weird because I don’t know how to really feel about it. I thought I was making progress, getting better, three new memories have come to light recently so I’ve thought that maybe... that means I can handle them? But if a new alt is out does that mean I can’t?

I left school early today, I only stayed for 2 hours before leaving and honestly the look my mom gave me after she saw me at home was enough to make me wish I’d just walked around the earth instead of going home. I know I shouldn’t skip class I know that so why does everyone keep looking at me like I’m completely ignorant to consequences of my actions?

I know that it sounds like I’m angry but I’m not, I’m just confused and I wish I could talk about it more than once a week for less than 2 hours. I part of me wishes I just... would hospitalize myself already and take a break from this. But I know that’s just me wanting to run away, run away from all of these feelings that I don’t understand, from feelings I don’t know how to understand. At the same time... I think being hospitalized would also help because I want to just be able to focus on these feelings and honestly always have someone to talk to about this.

I feel selfish... there’s never a right time to check out from reality so why do I do it so much? Ugh this is a weird ramble.

[picnic-system]

🤝 and 👤 for the asks? 💚💕

Thanks for the ask! 

🤝🏻 To whoever’s fronting, which alter would you consider your closest friend?

Its a me, Ariel! I think all of them are good in their own ways and I’m close in different ways with each of them but I’d say... I’m closest with Jake. He doesn’t talk and barely is around but I’m closest with him because when the system first revealed itself, he was the one who could calm me down. Even if I don’t know if he’s listening or around, I like to talk to him because I feel like I can tell him anything.

👤 Alter you would like to know more about?

M! Definitely M, for a long time I just associated her with an abusive mother figure because she was so harsh and pressuring to me. But... I don’t know, there’s this feeling in me that she’s more than that. I think she has things she wants to tell me so I’m very curious about her. 

- Ariel