Butterflies
Summary: Phil liked the way that she made him laugh and that she always smelled like flowers. He understood how other people could like that. Only the the butterflies were never there for him. And he really hated holding her hand. (Or where Phil is aro and doesn’t understand until he meets Dan)
Word Count: 4.4k
Warnings: swearing, smut
A/N: I started this so long ago but this weekend I finally wrote the other 4k words of it and yeah…I hope you like it :)
Phil had always hated truth and dare. He hated it because it seemed inevitable that it would end with people asking who he had a crush on. Luckily, everyone decided that game was boring after a few years and Phil didn’t have to make the quick decision when he was asked about possible crushes: say nobody and face questioning, or make one up.
He had thought he liked a girl when he was ten. She was nice to play with and he wanted to spend time with her. He supposed he didn’t feel butterflies or anything like that, but maybe he was just too young. But then one day she asked him if he liked her. Like liked her. She told him that their friends thought they should kiss. He thought he was much too young for that. Maybe when we’re older, he said quickly, practically running away. They didn’t play so much after that.
Kissing her wasn’t actually the problem. Phil thought he could manage that, though he didn’t have much interest, it was more that then their friendship might change. He didn’t have any interest in being anything but platonic.
When Phil was 14 there was another girl who asked him to a dance. He said yes, unaware that it meant anything other than friendly. After she kissed him at the end of the night, turning away quickly afterwards and leaving giggling, Phil lay awake for hours. The kiss wasn’t horrible, he decided that he could deal with that. But there were still no butterflies or the feelings that everybody else was always talking about. Phil was getting worried that something was wrong with him.
So the next day he asked her out.
Luckily dating when you’re 14 doesn’t mean very much. They sat together at lunch and went to the movies together a few times. Phil liked the way that she made him laugh and that she always smelled like flowers. He understood how other people could like that. Only he still didn’t have the feelings that he knew he should. And he really hated holding her hand.
So a couple of weeks later they broke up. They were out to pizza at the time and when Phil told her that he didn’t want to date anymore, there were immediately tears in her eyes. They left quickly after that, she called her mom to pick her up and the whole time they waited she tried not to cry. Once she was picked up Phil realised that all he felt was relief. And maybe a little sad that he didn’t get to eat the pizza he had ordered.
Phil didn’t date anyone for a while after that. It was a couple of years filled with an ongoing sexuality crisis that he couldn’t seem to figure out. Because none of the labels fit and Phil just wanted to have something to call himself. He sometimes wished that there was some physical thing, like all gay people had blue hair, that would tell you what your sexuality was. That would be easier, he decided. Yet unfortunately that’s not quite how the world works.
Eventually Phil figured that he should try dating a guy. Maybe he was gay and that’s why it hadn’t worked out with girls in the past. He tried to ignore the fact that he had never had any butterflies related to guys either. At least he thought that guys were hot, even if that was quite different from actually wanting to date them.
There was a guy in his maths class too. One that Phil thought was pretty, or at least that’s what he thought the feeling was (if anything he had learned that feelings were confusing and almost impossible to identify). His name was Tyler and they sat next to each other in class. Tyler would always let their arms brush together and smile soft smiles that made Phil’s heart melt a little bit. Phil figured that if there was anyone he would be able to develop romantic feelings for, it would be this boy.
“Would you like to go see the new Avengers movie?” He finally asked one day, right after the bell had rung and they were both packing up their backpacks. “Go see it with m-me I mean,” He added on slightly flustered and worried that maybe he hadn’t been clear enough.
“Yeah,” Tyler agreed, smiling in the way that made Phil want to smile back. “I’d like that a lot.” He got out a piece of paper to scribble a phone number on. “Text me?”
“Sounds good,” Phil grinned, taking the paper and tucking it carefully in his pocket.
“Okay then,” Tyler shrugged his backpack onto his shoulder, “See you later Phil.” He said as goodbye before walking out of the classroom and leaving Phil astounded that he had actually agreed.
See Phil had been half worried that Tyler was going to be able to see through why he was asking him. That it was mostly an attempt for Phil to sort out all the feelings that he had been feeling, or rather the lack of feelings.
Yet, it wasn’t as if Phil was just using Tyler, because Phil liked the way his normally ordinary name sounded when Tyler said it, and he liked how Tyer always smelled like spring and clean. He liked the little things and he hoped that the rest would come later. Because right now Phil wanted to be Tyler’s friend, and he was pretty sure that wasn’t how you were supposed to feel about someone you might date.
They ended up going to the movies that weekend. Phil had been incredibly nervous beforehand but there hadn’t been any need to be. Once they were there, there was constant laughter and joking. And not once did Tyler try to initiate anything romantic.
Phil loved it.
If all dates were this fun he could easily love them. But Phil wasn’t so sure this had really been a date. It had just seemed like two friends hanging out, and though there was nothing wrong with that, it made him even more confused.
As Phil walked with Tyler home (he had left his car there as Tyler lived only a couple of blocks from the movie theatre), he decided to ask about what this had been. Maybe that would help clear some things up. Maybe Tyler would be able to understand all this better than he could.
“Was this a date?” Phil asked, practically blurting out the question as he had been thinking about it for so long.
“Do you want it to have been one?” Tyler replied with another question.
“I don’t know,” Phil answered honestly, “Besides, I asked you a question first, you have to answer.”
“Oh right,” Tyler laughed, “I forgot that was how question rules worked.” He paused for a moment before speaking with a much more serious tone. “I don’t think this was a date, it felt more like hanging out with one of my friends. Does that sound weird?”
“No,” Phil sighed in relief, “Not at all, that’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“I mean you’re cute and all,” Tyler blushed a little when he realised what he had said out loud, “But the feelings just aren’t there.”
“You don’t know how perfect it is that you said that.” Phil finally smiled back.
So it hadn’t been Phil making up all these feeling things to himself for all these years. And even though him and Tyler never ended up dating, they became incredibly close friends. That seemed much better to Phil than dating would have ever been.
Still, Phil never told Tyler, or anyone else, about his lack of butterflies or how he never really had any interest in dating. For a while it was easy enough to say that he just wasn’t looking for anyone to date right now. Then he went to university and his excuse became that he was concentrating on school work and didn’t have any time for a relationship. In general people never questioned it. So Phil didn’t have to date anyone and he was happy. Or mostly happy at least.
Sometime around then he started doing youtube and learned that he loved it. He constantly got tweets from subscribers and sometimes he felt like his audience was more people then he could begin to understand. However it quickly began clear that there was only one of his subscribers that he spent his time dreaming about.
Phil would be forever grateful to Dan, the gods, and the stars that somehow that first twitter exchange between the two of them had happened. It seemed such an improbable occasion that everything would line up so that they would fall into each other’s lives. It was something different than Phil had ever felt before.
But he still wasn’t quite sure what this new feeling meant. All Phil knew for sure was that when they skyped, and Dan’s smile was warm even through the shitty webcam, he wanted to spend as much time with the man on the other side of the screen as possible. Besides, Phil had always had a thing for nice smiles.
They began to skype with increasing frequency over the next few months. In that time they become closer friends than Phil had ever been with anyone before. But he was worried that Dan might have romantic feelings for him, because sometimes they flirted and even though Phil meant nothing by it, he wasn’t sure Dan understood that. And no matter how much Phil tried, he just didn’t want to date Dan.
Phil also figured that it was probably time he talked to someone about all his feelings. Because it had been so many years and keeping them bottled away like this certainly wasn’t healthy. He wasn’t all that sure how to go about it though. Phil had always been the sort of suffer in silence type of person and never let other’s know you’re hurting. It was terrifying that somebody might know that he wasn’t as happy as he constantly tried to seem. It would be the first crack at this shield that Phil had built and he was worried that the whole thing would come shattering down.
But tonight was the night. Phil had woken up that morning and known that he needed to tell someone soon. If he didn’t then he might never. It had to be today.
So Phil called Dan on skype, like he always did, only this time his heart was beating out of his chest and he began to wish that he had thought through what he was going to say more.
“Hey,” Dan greeted, as soon as the call finally connected. Dan’s hair was curly, in the way that he hated but Phil loved, and Phil felt a surge of love for his friend. Dan was comforting simply by being there and the fact that it was Dan smiling across the screen at him, made some of the nerves disappear.
“Hi,” Phil finally greeted back, luckily his voice wasn’t too shaky, but it was the next words that were going to be more difficult.
One deep breath. Talking’s not the end of the world. Dan’s your friend. One deep breath. Ignore the sinking in your stomach. You can do this. Really. One deep breath.
“I really need to talk to you about something.” Phil felt like his stomach was in his throat and he could barely breathe. But the words were out there. And it’s always the first ones that are the hardest.
“What about?” Dan looked slightly concerned, but his words were kind and comforting. He could tell that Phil was hurting. And he was still there.
So Phil began to explain everything. He explained the girl when he was ten, the girl when he was 14 and Tyler. He talked about how there weren’t the right sort of feelings and he couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t as if he wanted to have the feelings, he made sure to say, but he wanted to understand why; why he was different.
“So you’re aro?” Dan asked, after listening thoughtfully the whole time and having all the right reactions that had made Phil absolutely sure that he had made the right choice in picking a person to finally talk to. “Aromantic,” He clarified because Phil looked confused.
“Maybe?” Phil said questioningly, because he still wasn’t quite sure what that meant.
“You don’t experience romantic attraction?” Dan phrased the definition in a question as he was now confused to as to how this was a new term for Phil. “I mean it’s different for everyone, but Phil, you’re really telling me you haven’t googled this type of stuff?”
“It’s been more of a constantly-thinking-about but too-scared-to-actually-try-to-figure-out-what’s-really-happening type of thing,” Phil admitted. “But why do you know the terms and I don’t?”
“You know, the whole constantly spiraling sexuality crisis and my tendency to overthink things has led to learning a lot,” Dan said casually, as if it wasn’t the same things that Phil had been so absolutely terrified to ever mention. “I think I only experience romantic attraction towards girls, but sexual attraction to both boys and girls. I’m not quite sure, it’s all very confusing and now I’ve kinda given up on finding a label that fits.”
“Christ,” Phil muttered, because he could see the stress and confusion that both of them had gone through, no matter how calm Dan was about everything now. “Do you ever envy people who are so straight this isn’t even a problem?” He said laughing and half joking.
“Oh my goodness,” Dan giggled too, “You don’t even know.” There was a pause there, both of them still giggling a bit, delirious with that feeling when you finally tell people your secrets. “Although,” Dan added on, “I think it’s better this way. I mean, there’s something here,” He gestured between Phil and him, finally mentioned the previously taboo topic of Them. “And I think this, and all the other things that are possibilities, are completely worth a bit of confusion.”
That skype conversation was one that both men would remember perfectly clearly even many years after. It was the start of them being able to talk about any and everything. Dan was the one person that Phil trusted completely, and even Dan, who was generally more open about sharing things, felt more comfortable with Phil than anyone else. It was the start of a friendship unlike any other that either of them had experienced. It was the start of knowing each other as well as they knew themselves.
Phil spent a lot of time becoming comfortable with the term aromantic. He talked to other people online who felt the same way as him and found that Dan had been right, the term fit him perfectly. Only now Phil didn’t quite feel as much of the need to have a label.
Soon enough they went from skyping to meeting to moving in together. They went through great times and some pretty rough ones. Dan started youtube and both of their channels took off. They began to build their careers around each other and their friendship. It was the sort of happy ending that Phil had never even dreamt about being a possibility.
Of course it wasn’t really an ending, but rather where they were in their lives at the time. A place where Phil wasn’t counting down the days to something better. And Dan no longer spent his time worrying about all the horrible things that used to haunt his thoughts.
Still, even years later, their friendship was ever changing. Over the course of the six years they had been friends there had been two girlfriends (Dan’s), one boyfriend (also Dan’s), and one night stands (both).
Phil had learned that he was very much sexually attracted to men and not very much to women. He confirmed that he never wanted a romantic relationship, but he loved his friendship with Dan more than anything else. He loved Dan. Just not in the way that society dictated was the most important.
Dan learned that he was not romantically attracted to boys (the one boyfriend had been a very short relationship; the boyfriend had complained that Dan was only using him for sex and Dan’s reply was not convincing enough to stop the inevitable breakup). He liked having a girlfriend, but when he didn’t and it was just him and Phil - Dan liked that even more.
But there was something that Phil had been thinking about a lot lately, something he was scared to ask about (and that hadn’t happened in a very long time). See, Phil knew he didn’t want to date Dan, but he thought that it might be nice to kiss him. It might be nice to get off with him. But these were possible friendship ruining thoughts, so Phil tried to push them to the back of his mind.
Of course that wasn’t made easy by the fact that Dan wasn’t exactly quiet when he masturbated. It was always late at night, when both of them were supposed to be asleep, but Phil found himself staying awake in the hopes that he might be able to hear the moans drifting through the walls and get himself off as quietly as possible to the sound of Dan.
That felt incredibly dirty though. Phil was barely in look Dan in the eyes the mornings after. It was a secret, one that Phil knew Dan would be horribly embarrassed about if he knew. So Phil bought earplugs for nighttime, that way he wouldn’t be able to hear the noise.
But the package of earplugs sat unopened and Phil stayed awake. It was just that it was so much better when he got off with Dan (even if it was through the walls) and Phil had never been good at saying no to good things.
They were also a new stage where Dan hadn’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend in a while, and it didn’t seem like he wanted to have one soon. They hung out with almost exclusively couples and most of the time they were treated as a couple as well. There was an assumption from most everyone that there was more than friendship between Dan and Phil, though they didn’t know even half of the whole story. It seemed as if Dan and Phil were going to spend the rest of their lives together.
So Phil really just needed to get over himself and talk to Dan about what he had been dreaming about for so long. And luckily Dan had always been the one person that Phil could talk to.
“Dan,” Phil knocked on Dan’s door softly, before opening it. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have even bothered knocking, but he wanted to get this conversation started off on the right foot.
“Yeah?” Dan looked up from his computer. It was nighttime, a little after ten.
Phil had waited until then because he always felt a little more brave when it was dark outside. “I’ve been thinking about something a lot and I haven’t talked you about it at all and I really need to,” he said quickly, all in one breath.
“Okay,” Dan closed his computer and set it aside, “Let’s talk then.” He gestured for Phil to come over and sit on the bed next to him.
Phil sat down lightly, leaving slightly more space between them than normal, just in case Dan was so disgusted by him after he heard what Phil was going to say, that he didn’t want them to ever touch again. “So,” Phil began, once again wishing he had thought through what he was going to say a bit more. “There’s no real easy way to say this, or ask it rather, but I’m hornyandIwanttogetoffwithyou.”
“What?” Dan asked even though, despite how quickly Phil had said the words, he had understood perfectly.
“It’s just,” Phil tried to say the words in a different way, “You’re loud when you get off and it’s hot. Wait, shit. That’s much worse,” He wanted to hide his face and never make eye contact with Dan ever again.
Dan laughed at this, “Phil, calm down. You don’t need to be so nervous. You can tell me anything yeah? This is no different.” Phil finally looked at him then. “I’m not going anywhere. Besides, you’re not exactly quiet when you get off either, did you really think I had no idea what you were doing?”
“Oh God,” Phil blushed furiously, “That’s so bad, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Dan smirked, “I mean just knowing that you were getting off one room over always makes it better for me.” He shifted on the bed.
“Yeah?” Phil no longer felt embarrassed, but rather as if the room was becoming thick with something in the air.
“Much better,” Dan emphasized, moving properly this time so that he was facing Phil. “And I was thinking that maybe, it’d be even better if we were in the same room.”
“That sounds much better to me too,” Phil really wanted to kiss Dan now.
“You can do it,” Dan said as if he was reading Phil’s mind, though given how well they knew each other, it wasn’t all that surprising. “I can see that you want to kiss me.”
“And we’ll still just be friends, yeah?” Phil had to make sure.
“Of course,” Dan nodded, “Nothing will change, I don’t want it to either.”
“Okay.” Phil couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. And that he wanted it too. Maybe feelings weren’t all that confusing after all.
So Dan moved again, this time so he was practically sitting on Phil’s lap straddling him. Everything was warm and smooth and Phil’s hands found their way under Dan’s shirt so they were spread across his back before they even kissed. And he used them to pull his friend forward, crashing their lips together hard enough to make up for lost time. Dan smelled like cinnamon and home and his lips were chapped against Phil’s. His hands began to travel too, fingers winding in Phil’s hair. Everything was hot and heavy and neither of them could get enough.
“God, you’re a good kisser,” Dan pulled back for a moment, his cheeks and lips stained red.
“You are too,” Phil decided that he liked Dan like this. “This is really good,” He failed to find a way to say how he felt. Because this was a moment that couldn’t quite be captured in arrangements of letters, but Dan knew Phil well enough to understand what he meant anyways. “Can I?" Phil asked as his hands lifted up at the hem of Dan’s shirt.
“Please.”
Clothes were shed then. Skin became exposed, fingers and lips began to leave bruises pressed into blank canvases. Dan’s moans were made of velvet, Phil decided, and they sounded even better when he was the one causing them.
“Do you think-” Dan tried to ask, but Phil was kissing his neck and it was hard to get full sentences out. “Could I suck you off?” He finally managed to say. He could feel Phil’s hard cock, pressed against his thigh, and he really just wanted his lips around it.
“Fuck,” Phil muttered, “Yeah, fuck, that’d be perfect.” This was already so much better than it had even been with anyone else and Phil wanted everything with Dan.
Dan left a trail of fire as be moved downwards, or at least that’s what it felt like to Phil. Because Dan pressed his lips to all the areas around where Phil really wanted them and though it was torture, he never wanted it to end.
Then all of sudden Dan decided to stop teasing and it was even better. And Phil’s moans were trapped in his throat because he couldn’t think and Dan was taking all of his dick into his mouth all at once. Everything was warm. Dan was warm. Phil wrapped his hands in Dan’s hair and gave up on thinking because Dan made him feel so fucking good.
All of this was so good. Maybe Phil would never have the butterflies, but this fire that was consuming him now, was so much better than the butterflies could ever be. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I’m getting close,” He managed to warn Dan, not even bothering to be worried about how short he had lasted. Dan would understand, he always did.
And Dan began to speed up all his movements. He reached a hand down to wrap around his own dick, jerking himself off and moaning around Phil. And it was too much for Phil to take as he reached his climax, spilling into Dan’s mouth, repeating curse words mixed with his best friend’s name. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. God, he loved Dan.
As Phil began to catch his breath, Dan climbed up to lay beside him.
“That was okay, right?” The younger man asked.
“Are you kidding?” Phil would have laughed if he hadn’t already been so calm in his post orgasm state. “That was great, perfect, you were so good.” He found himself rambling. “Oh, do you need-?” He realised that he had never done anything for Dan.
“No,” Dan blushed, “I already-”
“Oh,” Phil understood.
“Yeah, it was really good.” Dan said as way of explanation. “I’d like it if we did that again sometime.”
“Me too,” Phil smiled, “I’d like that a lot.” He couldn’t get the smile off his face.
They then got settled in under the covers, Phil said no to cuddling, at least for now, but sleeping in the same bed was allowed. That was plenty for both of them.
As Phil drifted off to sleep that night he wished that he could show his ten year old self all this. He would have never believed it then. That all of this could be his life. He was never broken. But even though it had taken so much to get here, Phil wouldn’t trade it for the world. Dan had been right when he talked about all the possibilities being worth it during that skype call so many years ago. And Phil knew now that he would never trade away his fire.
