Endless (Platonic) Love
hello lovelies!! i finally finished a fic!! and a happy one at that!! :) i really like this one :)
this goes out to my Homies bandit, xav, and whitney for bein the cutest lil ace friends i could ever have and also the inspiration for this fic tysm guys <3
warnings: none!! super fluff :)
word count: 1210 (short lil chapter one to introduce u to the plot :)
Dan loves Phil, but not in the way that you’d think.
As an outsider looking in, it would appear that Dan is in love with Phil, and that is entirely not the case.
Dan is an aromantic asexual cisgender boy. He does not feel romantic or sexual attraction of any kind toward anyone of any gender, and Phil is no exception.
It’s tough being asexual. At least it is for Dan. All of his friends around him hooking up at parties, and when he thinks he’s found someone to talk to, they’re always just trying to get in his pants. The whole world revolving around sex, and sexuality. Always hearing how “good” sex is, when it makes him squirm in an uncomfortable way. Trying to wait for “the one” but deciding that after 19 years he probably won’t ever find them. 19 years of not understanding the hyper-sexual world around him. All of his friends losing their virginities as he has to try to look interested when they talk about it. Sure, people are nice to look at, but seeing them naked? Them rubbing against him? No thank you.
It’s even more tough being aromantic, for Dan. His best mates have girlfriend after girlfriend, and he tries, he really does. He dates girls, he goes on double dates with his friends, he tries blind dates - it just doesn’t feel right. Having to break up with really nice girls after only a month of dating, because he really just can’t get into it. He accidentally breaks at least three girls hearts, and as his friends just laugh it off and tell him “better luck next time, mate” he really really doesn’t want there to be a next time. He thinks for a while he might be gay, because maybe that will explain why he just doesn’t like girls like that.
But then he meets Phil. And he is decidedly not gay.
Not that Phil isn’t lovely in every sense of the word! He’s the best friend Dan’s ever had. But that’s where it stops, because he and Phil are just friends, and he doesn’t want them to be any more than that. Even imagining kissing Phil makes him cringe. Nope. Not for him.
They’re on skype now, and they’ve been going for about 3 hours and Dan’s starting to worry that Phil likes him. Likes him likes him.
He’s all blushy and he keeps opening his mouth like he needs to say something and then closing it, and Dan’s afraid. What if he’s leading Phil on without realizing? What if Phil wants to date him, and when Dan says no he just drops him? What if he tells Phil that he’s aro/ace and Phil leaves him because he’s not normal?
Dan hasn’t told any of his other friends, yet. He’s not quite sure if he will, honestly. He’s much too afraid of their reactions. He’s had the same friends almost all his life, what would he do if they left him for something so insignificant, something he can’t change? He won’t let himself think about it.
But he has to tell Phil, doesn’t he? If Phil’s flirting, he’s got to let him know that it won’t go anywhere, he doesn’t want to hurt Phil’s feelings. Phil means far too much to him.
“Phil?” Dan says, almost exactly as Phil says Dan’s name.
The “sorry” that follows is just as awkward and simultaneous.
“You go first” Phil blushes. Dan’s stomach is a swirling mess.
“Okay…” Dan trails off. He really can’t do this.
But Phil’s smiling at him all encouraging-like, and Dan really does trust him, and he wants him to know because Dan’s never clicked with someone like he has with Phil. This is a big part of his life, and he wants to share it with his best friend. The best friend he’s ever had.
Dan takes a deep breath. “Okay, Phil. I’m really sorry if, like, you’ve got feelings for me or something, but -” Dan stops abruptly when Phil starts laughing.
He’s still laughing until he notices how upset Dan looks, and then he’s begging Dan to continue. “I promise I won’t laugh this time” he says.
But now Dan’s worried again about Phil’s reaction, and he really can’t bring himself to say the words that could cause him to lose the most important person in his life. Such simple words, words that shouldn’t mean as much as they do in this society. Words that could change his life forever. He really needs to get this off his chest, but the “what if”s are making his head hurt.
Noticing his hesitation, Phil speaks up. “I have some news too; would it be better if I went first?”
“Alright”
Phil sighs. “Okay. Um. Well, I’m not straight, for one”
And here it comes, thinks Dan, he’s in love with me, oh god, I don’t know how to deal with this shit. I can’t keep a girlfriend for longer than a month, I don’t want him to be gone before the month is over, oh god oh god.
The words that come out of Phil’s mouth couldn’t be any more opposite to Dan’s jumble of thoughts.
“I’m asexual. And aromantic, for that matter” And Phil’s looking down, and rubbing the back of his neck anxiously, as if looking up at Dan would be the most horrific thing in the world. As if in that moment, his best friend might reject him. Just like Dan had previously thought.
Dan looks at him in wonder as Phil starts to ramble.
“I don’t know if you know what that means, but like. Okay, so asexuality means that I don’t feel -” He gets interrupted by Dan’s giggle.
“Phil, you idiot! I know what it means” His smile is so wide, he’s sure he looks a right fool, but he can’t bring himself to make it any smaller, any less real.
“Y-you do?” Phil finally meets his eye, his mouth slightly open as he stops picking at a loose thread on his duvet.
“Of course! I’m kind of asexual and aromantic too” Dan blushes as he finally says it, so much easier than he’d ever imagined it’d be. And with so much joy in his heart as the words that mean so much to him finally leave his lips and fall onto perfectly functional ears. He feels so light once the words are said, and he can’t take them back.
“You’re joking” Is all Phil says after a few moments, and once Dan shakes his head, they’re just looking at each other and grinning so wide, wider than ever before.
Someone understands. Someone so important, and so trustworthy understands. No explanations, no researching done. Dan Howell’s first best friend understands him better than anyone ever has - in more ways than anyone else has ever tried to. Something so near and dear to Dan’s heart, something so vital to his identity, has just been validated by his favorite person, and he honestly can’t believe how good he feels.
And they may be miles and miles apart. But in those few moments they had never been closer.
Because you see, Dan loves Phil. And Phil loves Dan. But not in the way you’d think.
