it’s really cool to see someone who is in the exact same kind of relationship that i am for once. i get comfort from both the “aros can be in romantic relationships too” as well as the “aros dont ever have to date” kinds of posts but it always feels as if both of these awkwardly exclude me. i never thought i’d find someone else who was fine with their partner calling the relationship romantic for them but not for themselves. relationships can be just as messy and nuanced as identity itself but i dont think most people are ready to admit that.
even in places where relationship anarchy is talked about (the aro community being a big one, at least from what i've seen) it's still difficult to find people's accounts of like. how they put relationship anarchy into practice. i don't know. relationships are like gender to me in the way that every social construct is the same. every person is an individual. every individual is going to have their own approach to gender: just because we have these two major categories doesn't mean that it isn't infinitely variable and extremely personal. relationships are typically categorized as romantic, platonic, or familial, but the truth is that those categories are just as made up as the binary gender system. sure, they pop up a lot, and sure, they might be helpful for you to apply for yourself, but ultimately, every relationship is unique. once you start thinking outside of those arbitrary boxes— hold on i got so caught up in thinking about how to explain it that i stopped writing this post to draw a diagram
with anything listed being a stand-in for whatever else you can think of, obviously. but that's the thing it's like. you don't have to use the presets. everything is infinitely customizeable. you are ALWAYS creating unique relationships with other people you just don't think of it that way... once you approach every relationship in your life with an open mindset suddenly there are beautiful beautiful possibilities for all kinds of connections with other human beings... as always i fall back on my favorite phrase. which is "you can do whatever you want forever". because you can
So recently ive seen a lot of fic where the character is tagged "aromantic asexual [character]" but the fic is specifically about them in a relationship with another character. Sometimes the fic even specifies (either the tags or the author note) that the character is NOT gray or demi or anywhere else on the spectrum(s). They're just straight up aroace. And im so confused. Please help
As a aroace myself theres no attraction at all. If there was id pick a different aspec label. And im aware anyone can chose to be in a relationship regardless of ID, but the few of these fics ive actually read arent very aro (or ace) relationships. They dont even feel like qprs. They read as allo to me in these fics. Am i the one who doesnt actually understand aro relationships? Or are these writers just doing the old "ace ppl can be in relationships!" to justify writing ships?
Whether you are a author of one of these fics or someone thats been apart of a aro relationship can you Please help explain to me im very confused
Being in relationships as a romance neutral/favorable aro (for alloro readers with aro partners)
I’m romance neutral* and greyromantic*. I have been in romantic relationships. I don’t believe I was attracted to my partners as much as people thought I was. But I chose to be in those relationships and stayed with those people until other factors didn’t work out (ie unfixable communication issues or different long term goals).
I’ve had some of my partners ask “so you don’t love me?” when I opened up more about being arospec with a sad tone in their voice. Or I’ve had friends say “why would you be someone’s partner if you don’t love them?” with a hint of judgment and disdain as they say it.
Here is how I look at it, and keep in mind, this is most likely NOT a universal aro experience. BUT I know that some alloro people worry that since their aro partners don’t “love” them, they can’t be sure about their relationship at all.
Aromanticism is the lack of romantic attraction. In my personal experience, this generally means I have equal attraction to everybody in a romantic sense (side note, this is why I thought I was biromantic for a long time). So, imagine, baseline I just feel neutral about everyone. My relationships are largely based upon experiences and connections I have with people, not solely on attraction.
A lot of my partners thought that this means I feel less about them or that they were just like everyone else. But here’s the thing—I literally chose them out of everyone else to be partners with. In a broader sense, take how alloplatonic* people view friendships: you may be closer with some friends, you may trust some friends with certain things more, or you might have just become friends and are learning more about each other. These people are all friends, and the friendship dynamic isn’t always built on platonic attraction. It can be extremely circumstantial.
If you worry about your aro partner leaving you because they’re aro, I assure you that they will not just up and leave at random just because they’re aro. If they do, there is a very different reason for that. It’s a very personal and complex topic. It ties into factors such as commitment, communication, life goals, and relationship satisfaction and compatibility.
So if anyone is alloromantic and questioning if they can be in a relationship with an aro person, think about it this way: the question shouldn’t be “do they love me?”, and try thinking about it as “do they care for me?”
Glossary* and footnotes after the break
Just some disclaimers so I don’t have to explain later:
1. Yes, some aro people can feel love in other ways. Yes, some aros are loveless. We are all different. I mostly think that alloro people associate “do they love me?” directly with “do they love me romantically?”, which is understandable, but personally I think that in any relationship, CARE and ACTION are the most important aspects in any relationship. Even in an allo relationship, two people can love each other but not properly care for one another.
2. Also, love is not easily defined, so “do they care for me” presents a much more concrete and observable question that is much less stressful than “do they love me?” And I say this as someone who ended up in abusive situations because I told myself “well, they love me, so this must be fine.” I am mostly making this post to tell alloromantic people that being aro does not directly affect how someone may act in a relationship. Yes, it might be a factor, but saying aro = unloving partner is not true and extremely harmful.
3. I wrote this while sleep deprived and I talk a lot when sleep deprived so sorry if this all made no sense or was very rambley.
*GLOSSARY:
Romance neutral - feeling indifferent to romance, whether it be romantic coded actions (ie kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc), romantic situations (ie dates), or the general idea of a romantic relationship
Romance favorable - desiring to engage in romance despite being aromantic, generally the opposite of being romance repulsed
Greyromantic - feeling romantic attraction but less frequently or intensely as alloromantic people. Also an umbrella term for other microlabels in the aro community
Alloplatonic - people who feel platonic (friend) attraction, as opposed to being aplatonic (lacking platonic attraction)
maybe it's a result of my specific flavor of aromanticism in that i'm asexual, romance/sex-repulsed and non-partnering but i have always felt more strongly connected to the idea of friends becoming chosen family than to the idea of having a partner of some kind, even if those relationship structures bear some similarities. perhaps that's why i've never felt like models of attraction adequately describe my relationships. my closest platonic relationships are borderline familial in nature (to me) and i don't consider them to be based in attraction of any kind. a partnership to me feels like an agreement whereas my close relationships feel like they just kinda happened.
someone i had only recently met once described me and one of my friends as acting like siblings and i nearly started clapping and cheering. my ideal friendship dynamic is somewhere between "bickering siblings" and "old married couple."
this is why i used to think i wanted a qpr (when i was like 16) because what i wanted was platonic relationships that functioned like and felt like familial ones, and to have my feelings for my friends validated as equally meaningful. this is no longer accurate, in part because the term got warped and re-defined out from under me and in part just because i no longer felt like it accurately described what i really wanted. but i think it's a reflection of my specific constellation of identities and experiences that i initially saw it that way.
I think one of the most frustrating things about alloromantic relationships, in hindsight, is how they feel like a series of Pandora’s boxes.
Did you hold hands at the movies? Now you hold hands everywhere.
Kiss goodbye that one time? Hope you’re ready to kiss hello, get lots of random kisses as they walk by you, and you’re expected to kiss them goodbye from now on even if you don’t feel like it.
And don’t get me started about s*x and all that surrounds that.
In contrast, my aro friend and I have detailed pre-flight checks before hanging out; what’s still green light from last time? Any thing you’re feeling up for provisionally? Let’s check in on that in the moment if we feel the draw.
We talked for a month about the possibility of holding hands, decided we’d like to while watching a movie, and did so. Enjoyed it and so we now have that green lit.
Tonight as we walked to get dinner, we tried holding hands while walking, decided neither of us were getting anything from it, and stoped.
The analog of a “green light” implies that at times it may turn yellow or red. Maybe it will cycle. Maybe it’s a flashing red and we should stop and look both ways before continuing.
It feels so safe. It feels so respectful. Communication and mutual respect.
I wanted to post about my aromatic relationship. Mostly to show aro people can still have meaningful relationships.
Context: long-distance, we’ve known each other for 2.5 years, both aro.
-when we first started dating we both established that neither of us were sure what the difference was between romantic and platonic feelings. We were both partially experimenting.
-we have always been really good about communication. Never assuming the other is ok with something.
-neither of us get jealous very easily. We playfully flirt with our friends, and we are secure enough to know it doesn’t mean anything.
-both of us experience sexual attraction, but it’s not the center of our relationship, and is actually fairly rare that we do anything beyond verbal flustering.
-our dates consist of goofing off in online co-op games, overly-criticizing children’s shows, and dedicated time between just the two of us.
-we both think kissing is gross, and prefer cuddles.
-we’ve discussed being open to poly, but no one in particular piques our interest.
-we’ve agreed we like each other in a way that we don’t experience for our close friends. It’s something akin to safety.
I’m tired of some allo people saying things like “it’s okay to not be in a (queerplatonic) partnership because you can rely on friends” or thinking that a QPP is essentially the same as friendship. In a perfect world, I would be able to rely on my friends for intimacy and long-term care that is usually reserved for partnerships. I really wish that were the case. You shouldn’t need partnerships to get care or intimacy. Support (and I’m talking not only emotional support but domestic support as well) should be available to you if you are non-partnering or loveless or single. But unfortunately that’s not really the reality. Not when many of those friends wouldn’t show up for you in the way you need.
These same people often don’t understand why an aro person might want or feel the need for a partnership. There are aros out there who don’t want these sort of intimacies (or any at all), who are nonamorous or non-partnering. There are also aros who do want these things in their lives but often struggle to get them from friends. Besides not being able to get a lot of the intimacy I desire from friends because of normative standards of what friendship is “supposed to be”, it can be hard to do everything on my own when I have limited energy and resources. I ventured to ask a friend who said this “so if I developed a chronic illness and needed long-term help with household tasks, I would be able to rely on you?” She faltered a bit and admitted that that would be something she’d only do for a partner.
So if someone says such a thing and really believes it, then I hope they’re prepared to show up for their friends in the same way that they might show up for a partner. And be prepared to do it at times when it might not be all that convenient to them (if they have the headspace to do so) because sometimes care is messy and inconvenient. Otherwise, some introspection would be good to think on why it’s not the same, at least it our current reality.
What does it feel like to have an aromantic crush?
So this is a weird question. Aromantic people don’t get crushes. We don’t experience romantic attraction, and a crush is, by definition, feeling romantic attraction towards another person.
We do get other kinds of attraction feelings, though. A squish is a platonic attraction to someone, the “oh my god this person is so cool and has the same interests as me I need to be their best friend” feeling. There’s also lush, which is a sensual attraction towards a person. It’s harder to define since everyone’s definition of what is sensual v. sexual is different, but it’s usually the “I want to spend as much time as possible in physical contact with this person”. If you experience queerplatonic attraction you might get a plush, which is a desire to form a qpr with the person. There’s also smush, for sexual attraction if you’re gray-ace or allosexual
(Edit: I cut “swish” out since I’ve been told it’s a slur - Mod Alice) ((personally I believe this was someone mistaking swish as some kind of slur for a sex worker, possibly due to confusion over SWERFs being a thing on this site and ‘sw’ being an accepted way to refer to sex work without using words that might get your post filtered? I have found no evidence that swish is actually a slur for anything but have left the edit in for less confusion - Mod Meg))
Feelings of attraction vary from person to person. I’m gray aromantic so I do occasionally experience crushes. For me it’s a combination sort of of a lush and a squish. I want to spend tons of time with the person, and usually I want there to be kissing since for me kissing is a romance behavior. More often though I just get squishes or plushes. I’ll meet someone knew and get really impressed with something and then *bam*, I am suddenly desperate to be considered their friend. I had a discord friend come to visit me specifically and I about died because I had such an intense squish on him.
This got kind of rambly. I hope I at least answered your question some! If any of the other mods want to add on to this, or if you want me to elaborate more or something, feel free to!
