#aromantic activism

[neverlove-anchor]

Yasmin Benoit has the patience of the fucking devil. An asexual aromantic black woman who does lingerie BDSM modeling. I hope she has a great therapist and support system because she really needs it after the shit she is put through every time she says ANYTHING on the internet

[thatmrgold]

Found the perfect Aro ring if anyone else is looking for a good one to get

[aroworlds]

I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!

[aroworlds]

Aroace here. A place I’m on has an ace community but the aro community there is pretty much nonexistent so I stay on the ace side. It’s really frustrating to be there at times because so many alloro aces are completely clueless about aros, and I’m constantly having to correct people. Like people are always getting squish and qp wrong and making it into an ace thing. Someone said qp meant a relationship without sex. Someone said that the reason there are so many aroaces is because aces- 1/2

-default to aromantic because apparently it’s easier than dating as an ace and of course the Ace doesn’t mean aromantic! We still can feel love like any human! I see it so often I don’t even say anything anymore. It still hurts. It doesn’t feel right to go around correcting everyone because it’s rare that anyone is an actual arophobe they’re just uninformed. I think the big problem is just ignorance. (And a part of it is an unwillingness to in any way be associated with aros)     

At this point in time, anon, I believe that anyone who says “we can still love” deserves a lifetime of stepping barefoot on Lego bricks. It’s aromisia and amatonormativity from alloromantics; it’s ableism from other aro-spec folks. I would love everyone to take that phrase, toss it into the fire and move on to actual, substantial conversations on how to respect and support other human beings. It doesn’t matter whether someone loves, because no human being deserves to endure aromisia/acemisia.

“We can still love”, be it referring to romantic or non-romantic love, carries one hell of an implication that in the (actual or perceived) absence of love, the behaviours of aromisia/acemisia are acceptable. That people need to proclaim their ability to love just to be respected and safe. No, no, no. Let us please consign this phrase to the bonfire and talk instead about how aromisia/acemisia are never acceptable, irrespective of the target’s ability to love.

Seriously, let me say this one again in header type:

It doesn’t matter whether someone loves, because no human being deserves to endure aromisia/acemisia.

(Sorry, anon. My hate for this phrase is immense. I can never just let it be.)

I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with the awfulness you’ve described, anon. I hope you know that it is absolutely okay to conserve your energy, and you are not required to constantly play activist, especially when you know that your words are going to be ignored. I look talkative here, but my offline world is one where I’m ignored outright at best and activism is often quite dangerous for me. You are not doing aro-specs harm by saving your words for when you know they’ll be heard. You are not doing aro-specs harm by looking after yourself first and foremost. Not saying anything doesn’t feel right or good, I know, but that’s not a situation made by us, and it’s extremely unfair that we are the ones having to expend time and energy and spoons in response to a problem not of our making–often just to go dismissed and ignored.

It’s rather perfect that you discuss and describe the problem as ignorance, because I was thinking yesterday that it’d be a really good thing if multi-moderator ace-spec community blogs made a point of bringing on aro-ace mods who are connected with the aro-spec community. It would be the easiest to way to combat aro erasure, aromisia and amatonormativity, as well as a way of showing good faith to the aro-spec community in terms of making change. Most importantly, it’ll give aro-aces a much-needed and authoritative platform to speak on the subject of being aro-ace in ace-spec spaces.

I know there’s a heap of aro-aces who are engaged in aro-spec community discussions in varying ways. There’s a heap of aro-aces who are informed, passionate and willing to put in the effort to build a more inclusive ace-spec and a-spec community. There’s a heap of aro-aces already speaking with eloquence about aro-spec erasure. There’s a heap of aro-aces who see the challenges facing allo-aros, will listen to allo-aros talking about their experiences of erasure and then signal-boost their conversations on aro erasure in ace-spec spaces.

If the problem is trying to speak over the divide between aro-spec and ace-spec community spaces, aro-aces who are engaged with the aro-spec community while moderating ace-spec community spaces will bridge that divide.

I keep coming back to this idea that ace-spec community blogs don’t realise that having an aro-ace mod isn’t enough to combat aro erasure and amatonormativity if that mod isn’t equally engaged with the aro-spec community as the ace-spec one. Having an aro-ace mod isn’t enough if that mod considers “aro” an afterthought and “ace” the primary identity or if that mod doesn’t follow common aro-spec conversations. I’ve seen plenty of aro-aces engage in, promote or support acts of aro erasure, and how can they not, when they are not connected to the aro-spec community? How can they change if there is nobody in ace-spec spaces to teach them?

I keep coming back to this idea that in ace-spec community spaces, the people who are most heard on the subject of aromanticism are aro-aces not connected to the aro-spec community, because aro-aces who are engaged in the aro-spec community are pushed away from ace-spec spaces.

If you’re a multi-moderator ace-spec community blog, and you see this post–please, put out a call for an aro-ace mod connected with the aro-spec community. It won’t be comfortable to have this mod correct and challenge you, but if you care about building better ace-spec and a-spec spaces, it is necessary. This is also the easiest way to begin to regain the trust of alienated aro-aces, and if the conversations here mean anything, this is something ace-spec spaces must prioritise.

There’s only so much we aro-specs can do on this side. We can explain and educate. We can emphasise with and validate our own. But we need someone from the other side to offer a hand, and a real, tangible way of doing this is for ace-spec blogs to bring in aro-ace mods from the aro-spec community.

If we want a solution to the problems this anon (and many other aro-aces) describes, here’s a step ace-spec community blogs can and should take.

[aroworlds]

Just wanted to say I really admire and respect you for speaking out on the problems with the -phobia suffix. I’m a tiny blog and I can’t do much in terms of changing anything, but I’ll be sure to use -misia from now on.

I’m a strange and baffling contradiction of outspoken and anxious, meaning I do fight to say things but once I begin to feel somewhat comfortable in a space I will open my mouth, sooner or later, and talk. And on this blog, more than any other I’ve run, I feel more confident in people’s willingness to hear things that might be difficult or confronting. The anxiety is still there because that’s what it does, and I’ve got historical reasons for its existence, but when I manage to push past it, I do feel like this is a receptive space for talking.

Thank you. Thank you so very much for your incredibly kind and supportive words, @sun-moon-stars-rain.

I do want to let you know that if only a few individual bloggers use -misia or -antagonism, and if only one follower sees the usage and adopts it instead, and another single follower sees it on the second person’s blog and does the same–many individual blogs together can and will change the world, slowly but surely. Your actions matter. It matters to me to be able to happen into someone else’s blog and see tags that don’t make me have to take a breath, that intrusive moment that tears me away from their words while I collect myself. It matters to me to see words that mean that someone out there has listened to me or another person on this subject. It matters to me, and it matters to every other aro-spec with phobias, and every other LGBTQIA+ person with phobias.

I was on @afroenby’s blog for formatting their artist profile a month ago, and I think it was on their about or byf where I saw a mention of their use of -misia and why they use it. It was just so relieving to see someone else understand this. Every time I see this, unexpectedly, on someone else’s blog I just feel this rush of relief and gratitude. I just feel that little bit–safer isn’t the word, because I know folks don’t mean anything malicious by it. Understood, I suppose. Heard.

I swear to you, every “tiny” blog that does this is the world to me.

It helps when you can get a few of the community-style blogs to give you a boost when it comes to getting the initial word out about an issue, absolutely. That’s the problem many aro-specs are facing in our dealings with the ace-spec community, in failing to find those broader multi-moderator community blogs willing to provide that initial signal-boost on several instances of aro erasure. But the lasting change, the one says that we are changing norms as a broader community? That’s made by every individual blogger who says oh, I can make this change and does it until the language is normalised.

Community-style blogs help our words reach a wider audience, but the individual bloggers, together, are the ones that actually change our culture. I hope every person who thinks themself a tiny blogger understands this: your words matter, your words always matter, and together we are reshaping the world, because together we are not powerless.

And, if you’ll let me go wildly off-topic? I’ve come to think, after reading your words, there’s too much emphasis on followers as a metric of value and reach. Let’s not value bloggers for their follower count; let’s value them for their words and art, their curation of content, their interactions with others, the kindness they show strangers online, their thoughts and opinions, their decency, their willingness to build a better community.

I know I’ve been guilty of calling myself a “small” blog in the early days, and referring to other bloggers as “smaller” (when I really mean “less-heard” or “less well-known”) and a few blogs as “big”, all unthinking. I’ve done it yesterday and several times this week! I’ve contributed to this system, as much as anyone else and more, that has a kind, generous person taking action to help me using tiny and can’t do much to describe those actions, and it seems to me that’s so … wrong.

Your actions aren’t small. They’re not. Yet I’ve still bought into this idea of regarding some responses more effective than others, and it undermines, terribly, everything I’ve said above. The world already does a good job of devaluing us, telling us we’re small, making us small. It’s something I fight against; it’d be a rare person following this blog who doesn’t battle it. It’s also something I’ve contributed to and enabled this week, and now that I see it, I don’t like how I’ve talked about it.

If I’m not acting to support other bloggers, to listen to other bloggers, to treat any and every other blogger as equally powerful (in ways both bad and good) I’ve got to call everything I do here into question. It’s the kind of question, once thought, that’s no small amount horrifying, but I’ve thought it today and now I can’t let it go: what is the worth of my activism if I’m valuing and acknowledging some efforts over others?Even if I’m only discussing reach and impact?

Isn’t our activism about dismantling this idea? And if it isn’t, shouldn’t it be?

You’re someone who’s making real change and was kind enough to send in this ask. That’s massive, because I know plenty of “huge” blogs incapable of both. To act because you believe it’s the right thing to do is massive. To share kindness with a stranger online is massive. I think we need to start talking about that more than we do. I think we need to build up each other so that we can see our own power and strength. And I think my language, up to now, hasn’t done that as much as it should have.

So, today, I have to rethink how I talk about reach and impact in activism and community conversations, because while I’ve talked big on my personal blog about not wanting to do activism anymore, I’m still wearing those boots on this blog. Now I need to do it better, because I don’t ever want someone telling me that their actions lack impact because of something arbitrary like follower count. I don’t want to contribute to making other people feel “tiny” or “small”.

So, thank you, genuinely and sincerely. You’ve given me much to think on. But please, please know your efforts are not in vain. Your efforts are not the act of someone struggling against the tide. Your efforts are the act of reaching out, grasping my hand, and helping the world push back the waves.