Not sure where else to go with this so I'm shooting my shot here since sexuality and romance is involved.
I can't tell if theres a level of asexuality to me or if my self esteem is just so cripplingly bad, my brain cannot fathom why anyone would ever love me and I've just accepted it'll never happen. Or if it's a deep-seated fear of intimacy in me from witnessing so many abusive and failed relationships happen around me.
If I did stay single my whole life, I wouldn't really care/mind it. There is more to life than a romantic/sexual partner. But the idea of it? I love it. I love love. If the perfect person did show up, I'd be the most annoying "look at my partner I love them so much" type ever. Yet I just can't ever see that happening. I've never felt the need to seek out a partner, never been jealous of others, or felt left out/like the third wheel. Never really cared that no one has ever had a crush on/persued me/I've never been kissed, etc. I could life a perfectly content life completely alone. But if by some wild stroke of luck the perfect person fell into my lap? I'd be by their side 24/7 and love them more than I love anything else.
Basically, if I died alone as a single virgin? I'd be fine with that. But if some soulmate showed up and we grew old together? I'd be fine with that, too. Fuck man, I'm not even against multiple partners at once if life happened to throw several of the right people at me. But I feel zeo need to seek it out, will probably never do so, and feel like it's a pointless task to try.
So,,, is that some ace adjacent microlabel, or do I just have some serious self-esteem and intimacy issues?
I can't tell you whether or not you're on the aroace spectrum, because I have no idea based on this if you feel romantic or sexual attraction. You say you love the idea, but also that you don't feel paticularly bothered by it, so maybe romance-ambivalent and/or sex-ambivalent?
But none of this explains whether or not you experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. It just explains that you're fine with the idea of being unpartnered - which, some allorose people can be satisfied with being unpartnered too.
You can see here [link] more details on acespec and arospec identities, and also descriptions of what sexual attraction and romantic attraction are. If it turns out you do experience low or infrequent levels of romantic or sexual attraction, and that its influenced by your self-esteem, acevague and arovague (which are discussed on that post) may connect with you.
