#ashmom

[post-maester]

Trans clue memory unlocked:

My whole 7th grade had to learn how to Swing dance. We all had opposite gendered partners to dance with, and kept the same partner as each Gym Class went by. The girls got these sweet coloured poodle print skirts to wear during the dance routines. I was jealous of them. I loved the poodle skirts. I didn't understand why I enjoyed them so much because wearing them was for girls, so they weren't for me. Clearly.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Hi! I’m starting a new job tomorrow and am a little stressed, would you mind a few words of encouragement? 😊

Sure! Keep in mind that you are not going to be expected to have completely nailed the job before you’ve even finished your first few days. Tomorrow is going to be all about getting to know the expectations for your position, maybe learning passwords/logins if you use a computer, and then starting to orient yourself. You’ll fill out a bunch of paperwork, too, if it’s anything like my jobs have been. 

Tomorrow lets you take a look at the way the business runs and where your place will be within it, that’s all. Take a deep breath, try not to be too nervous. You got this.

Before you know it, everything that will seem so intimidating tomorrow will come as second nature, you’ll nail it. 

But you don’t do or die based on your first day on the job. Tomorrow is all about learning, and getting yourself ready for the road ahead. You got this!

[post-maester]

I had a fucking wonderful conversation with a Director who is a trans woman today.

I originally responded to an ad of hers looking for a transfem video editor for a documentary about trans people, but I was several months late. I specifically responded knowing I may not get the gig, but I wanted to work with her on this project that I felt was so important. It was important to me as a person developing a career in film, it was important to me as a trans girl hoping to engage and give to a community I want to be a part of, it was important that a project get made that could help people like me figure out what the fuck is going on with their identities.

So I waited for a response. Eventually one came. We set up a meeting for this afternoon, and the conversation we had was euphoric. I was so anxious and in my own head about the whole thing, but when it came time to talk, I felt like I was unapologetically myself while talking to her. I didn't need to mask, or change how I behaved for her. I just was. It felt wonderful. I've never had that with another person before, I think.

We talked about film work, trans experience, and MOTHERFUCKING TTRPGs!!!!!!!!! She called me "girl" in conversation and that was butterflies in my tummy. When I mentioned I was only 3 months on HRT she unashamedly and excitedly exclaimed that my chest was going to start hurting soon, and that lack of timidity about the subject was so fucking refreshing.

She mentioned how she enjoyed taking on the role of teaching younger trans people and being motherly. I added that my friends say that I'm the same way, but that I don't really have someone to be that way for me. It was a strange feeling to realize mid-conversation that I may need something like that at all. I never felt like I wanted a motherly force in my life, but maybe as I find myself in femininity that's something I need. My husband can only do so much to help me, and he's not exactly the posterchild for this sort of thing.

Nearing the end of our conversation, she told me to keep in touch and ask any questions if I need. But then she mentioned that we could go to get our nails done together sometime soon (I'd mentioned my experience with hand/nail dysphoria from a few days ago). I shut down. I stared at my screen through to her silently for a moment. I then stuttered, trying to answer. She asked if I was okay and if she overstepped any boundaries. I admitted that I needed a moment to restart my brain. Then I explained that I don't have any feminine friends to do "girl stuff" with. I've never been able to before. The idea excited me beyond belief. I said yes emphatically. I almost started crying a little, to be completely honest.

We said goodbye, and I closed the call.

Im doing a little tiny cry now, I feel so fucking good. I feel so proud of myself for trying for this and sticking with it. Proud of myself for not canceling because of my anxiety. Proud of myself for allowing me to be me unapologetically with absolutely no fabrication for the pleasure or comfort of another person.

Writing this now in bed. No other plans until later tonight. That call took a lot of my energy. Time to rest.

Night night💜

[post-maester]

I've received more compliments in the 3 months I've been on feminizing HRT than I ever did in the 21 years I was a boy.

Compliments on my accessories, my clothes, my hair, my eyes, my smell.

Kinda weird. Really hard not to notice.

[post-maester]

I'm having a lot of really euphoric experiences lately huh? Last night after the meeting I got to spend my night getting drunk on wine and doing crafts with two friends. One NB who ive known some 2 years now, and one wonderful new friend.

We were making collage art with a twist – the collage is going to end up being a drinking boardgame in the end. Over the course of the night we had a bottle of rosé, another bottle of white wine, and 4 shots each of Kraken rum. We were sufficiently sloshed. (We put away the scissors for safety reasons after a certain point💜)

The collage making was very fun but it was never going to be the main event of the night. We had shit to DISCUSS. I hadn't seen my NB friend for some time, and their friend who I hope to get closer with is also so delightful to talk to. Work drama, life drama, cool stuff, bad stuff, sad stuff, we talked about everything.

I was so happy being with them. I'd never had something so personal but also casual like that before. We were just drinking and sitting around the room covered in a variety of blankets and shawls, and talking about the things that were bothersome or amazing and how we felt about it. We actually talked about our feelings and we didn't need to be breaking down mentally in order to do it. I've never talked to my friends about my feelings before. I was a boy. Boys don't do that. But now I'm not a boy and I'm not shackled like that anymore.

I stayed the night at my friend's house since I wasn't comfortable walking home on my own, and I didn't want the night to be over yet. I slept on a mattress on the floor next to my NB friend's bed, and I got a little emotional, we talked, and held hands. I'll never forget it. A simple gesture that told me "everything is going to be okay." No friend has ever done that for me. It's never even been a possibility that one of my past friendships would talk me through my feelings and clasp my hand in theirs throughout, telling me that I am loved. I'll never forget it. I love my friends so much.

If this is girlhood, and if this is what friendships with non-men is like, I'm so excited to meet more people. I might not drink as much next time though.

[post-maester]

I bought my first 2 bras today 😎😎 all by myself!!!! Ive only tried one on so far but I like it so much!!! I'm sure this enjoyment will end at some point. All my femme friends say they haven't worn bras like their entire adult lives. So I'm sure they won't spark joy forever. But for now they do!

[post-maester]

I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle at the moment. I've been a little kinda sorta completely fucking gutted by the election results. I feel so utterly saddened for 2SLGBTQIA+ people, BIPOC, women, people with disabilities who now have to live beneath that man's shadow.

Among the sadness is an ache.

An ache to do something. An ache to take action of some kind. I have no idea what kind yet, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am brewing. Do I mean to create something? I don't know yet. I'll figure it out. But I mean to do something.

Community.

I've been reading lately. A book called "How To Think Like A Woman," by Regan Penaluna. The book tells the author's personal memoir, as well as the stories of 4 Early-Modern philosophers (who were women). I'm not a particularly smart person, sometimes I needed to read a paragraph or even a passage multiple times to really 'get it,' but some things stuck with me.

These philosophers were steadfast in their beliefs that women were deserving of education, asylum from abusive husbands, that they shouldn't need to hide their sexuality, that they should be allowed to pursue their intellectual desires just as a man could. But in these demands they each were specific. These freedoms were not meant to enable selfishness in women, as they often did in men. They believed that these freedoms, for all people, also came with the duty to better one's community - to give back. That embracing the people, valuing the people, fostering each individual, would further the community.

This point of community is where I've been stuck all day long. We all need community right now. We need shoulders to cry on, we need friends to laugh with, we need wise folk to tell us what the fuck to do now.

I don't know what I'm going to do - or make - but community needs to be a central theme.

Queerness & Transness.

I also feel like I've created nothing inherently queer. I've abandoned writing for some years now, my projects are old. Older than my realizations about identity. Older than my epiphanies about transness. I want to do something fuckin' gay as hell. I want to pour energy into something that may in some small way counterbalance the hate being screamed into the universe, infecting the pretty space-dust that I wanted to use to highlight my blush. I want to create something that whispers with a forked tongue: "Fuck. You."

Fact or Fiction.

Will it be fact or fiction? Do I want to search for beautiful, real stories to tell and help spread them? Or do I want to create something entirely new? I'm not a documentary producer, but should I be? My heart is in crafting stories, but maybe it's time to set that aside for a while in order to spread true stories that inspire good and justice. Maybe I'd better stick to what I know and make something up.

Abilities // Restrictions.

I am one person. Alone I can write, but that is difficult without an idea. I have the tinder and plenty of firewood, but I need a fucking spark. Once I have the spark I can do more.

I'm a filmmaker, I produce and edit. That's what I enjoy doing best. Not shit I can do without the idea. So for now those sit on the backburner.

I also have a(n admittedly small) rolodex of lovely queer individuals who may also feel a little distraught at the moment. Might be time to meet with them to discuss working on... something?

Budget is zero. Don't know what the project is so right now necessary funds are also zero, which is great. But nobody's getting paid for whatever the fuck comes of this, unless I can be smart.

Ending For Now.

This is all I can bear to write and word-vomit for now. I have been so full of energy and stress thinking about this all day long. I needed to get my thoughts out. If you feel the same ache I do, if there's any way I can help you make your "Fuck. You." project, or if you want to contribute to mine, please DM me and I'll be so happy to discuss and talk.

Please be safe, please be there for your fellow human beings, please be good to each other.

[post-maester]

I want a womb tattoo