#aspd things

[peerless-outlaw]

The annoying thing about ASPD is that I'm simultaneously a lot worse than you can imagine and also a lot more human than you'd think. And somehow people fucking misunderstand both.

[peerless-outlaw]

Sometimes I catch myself being over the top about things for the sake of masking even though I feel completely numb inside, and it's such a jarring experience.

It gets me thinking about how people actually feel things. Which is obvious, I'm not stupid; it's just not my reality. I fake so many emotions that I don't have or barely experience, but people literally deal with most of the things that they express. It's insane.

You actually feel happiness when you say you're happy? You actually feel excitement when you say you're excited? How do you feel so many things? It's just so hard to wrap my head around.

I've always considered too many emotions to be an impediment and it's not something I would want for myself, but I wouldn't mind having some of those. Being able to feel entertained, happy, excited, etc by such simple things sounds amazing.

[actually-aspd-culture]

Not sure if this is the place to ask but i am curious on the experience of people with aspd and generalized anxiety disorder or just high anxiety, i feel like aspd is often shown as a oack of worry and fear and i don’t mean to invalidate that side of it, im just personally interested about the mix of anxiety and aspd.

I think this topic isn't talked about often enough. I used to think I couldn't possibly have ASPD due to certain factors like this. As it turns out, anxiety disorders are really common in people who have ASPD. The anxiety may exist as more of a physical sensation for many of us. The person may be, otherwise, completely mentally disconnected from what they're experiencing. I can attest to that myself. I often don't know what I'm experiencing is anxiety or hyper-vigilance because I can't feel it mentally. In fact, developing the ability to feel my feelings, in the moment, has been a major part of my healing process.

[maneatered]

These people at work are lucky that I'm not professionally ambitious. They won't understand the lengths I'm willing to go to get what I want. Once I want something I'm basically gonna stop at nothing.

[maneatered]

Being alone is the only way I can stop pretending being nice which I'm not particularly fond of doing. It is just the best thing ever and I'm having a hard time understanding those who can't stand being alone cause to me my own company is the best kind of company. Like finally, the opportunity to be a bitch in peace.

[peerless-outlaw]

My neighbors here in town have a kid who has always had big issues. He just turned 18, but it's been going on since forever. Stealing, physical fights, disrespecting authorities, disregarding his studies, harassment, alcohol... I could go on and on.

I'm sure you all know where this is going. I'm not his psychiatrist, but I can see so much of myself in him and I wouldn't be surprised whatsoever if he was diagnosed with ASPD some day.

I don't really care and I don't have it in me to bother going out of my way to help a kid I ultimately don't know. That being said, I have often been a silent witness to his issues due to literally being next door and I somewhat pity him.

Things are going to suck for him and I guess it feels a little odd experiencing this from the outside. I wonder if people also thought (or think) of me as a lost cause.

[peerless-outlaw]

What does boredom feel like with ASPD? Is it a numbness to a lot of activities ? Is it more of a physical sensation like needing to fidget?

Boredom is a nightmare. A constant, unbearable nightmare. And I would say it's very much both of those.

Since I have a very low baseline arousal and I'm chronically understimulated, activities that would usually help with normal boredom don't really do anything for me because they don't give me enough stimulation to really quench that thirst. Essentially, people are usually at 0 while I'm at -20, so the little things that get them from 0 to 5 get me from -20 to -15, and it ends up being nothing.

I'm also unable to really connect with anything on a deep, emotional level, and thus the things that I do enjoy are still not enough to satisfy me like they would with someone else. I do have one exception when it comes to this due to me also being autistic, but I won't get into that because it's not particularly relevant nor does it really fix my chronic boredom.

It's definitely physical as well, probably a lot more than you would imagine. Boredom to me feels like a heavy weight inside my chest; like a desperate need to do something grand enough to fill that gaping void. It feels like I've been trapped inside a cage since the day I was born, just staring at the same old enclosure for years on end.

Imagine only being able to play one singular videogame for your entire life, nothing more. Just eat, sleep, do whatever you need to do to stay alive, and play that game over and over again. Sure, it's entertaining enough for maybe a month if you want to explore everything it has to offer, but what then? You play it again, you look for secrets, you look for bugs, you play it again, you play it again, you play it again. You can do anything you want inside the game, but what happens when you've done it all? Well, that's how you're going to live for the rest of your life.

That's how it feels. Every day is dull; sometimes better and sometimes worse, but always dull. Some things manage to fix the boredom for a couple hours if you're lucky, but it will be back because it always is.

For me, the only thing I can really do to "manage" it that doesn't involve any atrocious acts is raise that level of arousal as much as I can with the little things. -10 fucking sucks, but I guess -20 sucks more. It's all you can do when only burning a city to the ground or shooting up a bunch of people gets you to a positive 20 and you don't want to ruin your life.

[aspdfeels]

Being love bombed is so funny because it barely works on me like I am not attaching to you because you tell me I am great and amazing and you find me attractive 😭