#aspec talk

[aaa-battery-not-rechargeable]

I have a question if that's okay, is the term loveless for aromantics only? Or is it okay to use as someone who experiences romantic attraction/love but is repulsed by it and wants to reject it? Like is loveless a term to normalise or is it an important word for aros to describe specific experiences?

as far as my understanding goes, the term 'loveless' as an identity is for anyone who doesn't feel 'love'. i use it as an aro because it's important to me to distance myself from the concept of 'love', and i know it's the same for other aros. i do think the term 'loveless' does need to be more widespread, at least for ppl to know about.

there is a seperate term for ppl who feel love and don't like it, which is 'romance repulsed', which isn't strictly an aromantic-spectrum thing. now i'm not the aro police (acab) and i can't tell you you can't use the term 'loveless' for yourself, so i personally (as just some random loveless aro guy) have no room to judge if you'd like to claim the term 'loveless', and i don't think it's a bad thing if you'd feel comfortable with that label. i won't slap labels on other people, i can just tell you how i use/claim my labels

other loveless folks or aromantics, please weigh in if you want to. i know i'm not the expert in lovelessness, but i do want help to give this anon a proper answer if that's something someone has

wishing you all the best, anon, i'm here if you want to chat or have more questions <2

[queenangst]

*slides u another aro/ace anon* i really appreciate having a romance-free space carved out in fandom, and your blog+writing helps contribute to that for me!! as someone else who's on the spectrum, it's really comforting to be around someone else who Gets It, y'know? i love your work + i'm vv grateful for the space you've made for genfic. <3333 sending u lots of good vibes

hi anon!!! absolutely!

when i started in fandom i didn't know i was aroace yet. when i got to that point, and was struggling, honestly i had nothing and nowhere to go. on that note, the fannish spaces that i am in now where i have met more fans like me - are spaces that i made and built. but im really glad i can help do that for other people, thank u so much for sharing <3

[queenangst]

hey! just wanted to say you’re lovely & ty for being so vocal abt aro/ace things, ngl it helped me come to terms w being that myself & freely reflecting it my work, so thank you :)

thank you so much sweetheart!! my identity inevitably overlaps with what i do, what i make, and how i engage with media and fandom. it's important to me to have my own space where i am welcome to express that online, and in my work (and that i can choose how to do so).

i really love getting messages like this. i struggled a lot when i was younger - and still struggle, though i have come a long way in my confidence and self acceptance - and it always really touches me when i can in some small way help someone else feel connected and not alone and seen, or anything. even if you're still working on it.

im glad you've come to terms with it and im proud of you buddy! you're a Rockstar anon

[queenangst]

I, too, am ace (and maybe aro, haven't decided yet) and I want to say that I think your ace jokes are great. You just have to treat the clowns like wack-a-mole. Internet high-five.

Yeah, I don't care that much to waste any real energy getting upset or mad over it. Just annoying sometimes, so people who are at least funny about sending me hate or weird comments get points in my book.

Thanks man! These posts are for you <3 Internet high five!

[queenangst]

also btw i came out by making a shitty powerpoint

[queenangst]

i’m a character creator, and i was wondering- are there any sort of stereotypes that annoy you (and possibly other ace/aro people?)

hi, thank you so much for asking!

here is a great post on how to write an asexual character. it includes both do’s and don’ts that i think can help answer your question. this post also covers harmful stereotypes of aro and ace characters, with explanations (and links to more resources).

for more research, i always recommend AVEN, and browsing the forums and pages/resources. 

*disclaimer: for the purposes of this post, i’ll be using “asexual/ace” as an umbrella term for the asexuality spectrum. please keep in mind that there are many different identities, romantic and sexual. i am aro/ace myself!

to add onto what i linked, here’s a couple more aspec stereotypes/other ideas that you should avoid falling into that misrepresent us:

ace characters being “cold” and “detached” 

romantic relationships being the only option, and that being different is bad or undesirable

there are plenty of ace people who want relationships

there are also plenty of ace people who don’t want relationships

there are different types of relationships aces can be in (i.e. queerplatonic) 

romantic relationships being superior to platonic relationships

only ace characters who are sex-repulsed

please remember there are both cultural and personal attitudes towards sex, including positive, neutral, repulsed, etc. 

relationships that are “missing” something without sexual intimacy/characters who cheat on their ace partners 

ace characters being “broken”

ace characters meeting the “right person” and being cured

having only non-human ace characters 

linking antagonists to asexuality

as a bonus, here’s a few things that i’d love to see more of in media:

older ace characters/adults!!

ace characters who are comfortable and happy with their identity

explicitly ace characters (using ace terms, or explicitly stating in a way that makes it clear to readers there is no other interpretation)

ace characters in all kinds of relationships

including different romantic/sexual orientations

more than one ace character

allo friends/family members being supportive 

this is not a comprehensive list, but it’s a start. hopefully this helps a little. please feel free to come back with more specific questions. to my fellow ace followers and friends, absolutely reblog/reply/send an ask with your opinions and ideas, too.

[queenangst]

hey!! if u don’t mind me asking how did u know u were aro/ace? like i’m lowkey is going “is that me” bc i don’t really get what romantic/sexual attraction is supposed to feel like ... but on the other hand what if i’m just yk not understanding my own feelings or haven’t experienced it yet or whatever idk hopefully this is phrased somewhat in a way that makes sense

Sure! 

I actually talked about this with some friends who were asking on my Discord about a week ago, so I hope you don’t mind me copying and pasting this discussion!

As a note: some of what I share below is personal. This is my personal life so I’ve kept it vague, and I don’t want to share details or involved parties online. You are 100% welcome to ask me more about a specific experience, but I may or may not share.

What I went through in my self-discovery doesn’t apply to everyone. We might share some experiences, we might not. 

To clarify my identity again: I’m aromantic asexual. I do not experience attraction at all, and I am culturally sex-positive/sex-neutral, and personally sex-repulsed. And I am out—my parents, family and friends, etc.

If you’d like to ask questions about these specific parts of my identity that I don’t go into detail in this post, please feel free.

(Also my identity journey went something along the lines of: straight, questioning/no label/allosexual, demisexual, asexual.) Also, sometimes on my blog casually I will describe myself as “ace” for both aro/ace or use “ace” as an interchangeable term for “aspec,” but this is not wholly accurate, it’s just the way that I sometimes use it because I am ace and I can do that.

being ace (my experience): 

Figuring out ur ace sometimes is kinda hard bc 

1) there is a spectrum 2) it's really easy to get caught up in ur own expectations/society 

because asexuality is a lack of attraction, sometimes it can be really confusing, and we end up trying to find something that’s not actually there. (or that may be there but different than what is heteronormative).

one of the main reasons i really figured it out was bc i dated someone, and i was not attracted to them romantically or sexually in any way at all. 

i didn't reciprocate the feelings even during the relationship - i tried to convince myself that it would happen but just never did, and i was uncomfortable (red flag) a lot about affection. 

my advice also is if you're thinking about romance/sex/relationship and it makes you uncomfortable/you can't picture yourself in the future (i.e. when you're older)/it happens forcefully instead of naturally that is, imo, a sign that you're aro/ace/respective aspec identity

now. i do not advise doing what i did. actually i strongly do not advise anyone to force yourself into a relationship or into any situation if you're unclear about your own wants and boundaries. most of all, listen to yourself. if something is making you uncomfortable, consider what about that experience is uncomfortable to you.

edit for clarity: obviously i didn’t know i was aroace at the time of entering that relationship, and it was not malicious intent on my end or “deception,” rather that i didn’t know myself then as well as i do now.

also to my one point (shown below) about "picking someone" tbh in hindsight i just think it's funny i have this really clear memory in elementary school where i was talking to my friend about crushes, and she asked me if i had a crush and i said no. so she asked if i had to have a crush on someone who it would be, so i was like "i guess this guy or this other guy?" basically because i thought they were funny/nice to me

also in hindsight after discovering that, here are things that i experienced that tipped me off:

 - making excuses* (i want to focus on academics, i don't want a relationship right now but maybe later, i haven’t really found someone i liked) - putting myself in a box/label to fit what other people thought (i have to like this person) - guessing about attraction (i guess if i had to be attracted to someone, i would be to this person) - repulsion/dislike* (i don't mind talking about/reading about other people's romance/sex lives, but i don't want to do it myself)

*asterisk is because like i said before, asexuality is a spectrum. and also some of these reasons are perfectly valid if you are attracted to someone! maybe you really do want to focus on academics or you don't like physical intimacy as a preference and that's valid too. edit for clarity: some aces are sex-positive and some aces are sex-repulsed. and some are neutral. 

btw, if you are aspec, you can still be attracted to people! it will just be a different experience from an allo person.

you don't have to have a label if you're unsure or if you don't want one or really any other reason, because your identity is your business and we discover new things about ourselves all the time. it’s okay if a year ago you thought you were gay but now you think you might be ace after all or vice versa, etc; that doesn’t invalidate your feelings or your experiences. there is no rush and no race.

also if you want to learn more about asexuality! for yourself or in general: 

AVEN: Asexuality Visibility & Education Network

https://www.asexuality.org/ 

Asexuality: An Overview/FAQ

AVEN Forums: Questions about Asexuality questions about asexuality, check out the other various aven forums too bc lots of people share their experiences and ask questions there.

I hope this helps someone! If you resonate with anything I wrote above, I would encourage you to do more research about asexuality. 

[queenangst]

Do you personally consider yourself as belonging to the lgbt+ community? Not aro/aces as a whole, but just you. I ask because logically, I know we're part of lgbt+ but honestly, I always feel really hesitant to tell people I'm lgbt cuz then they ask if I'm lesbian or bi or whatever and I'm kinda like... Well... I'm ace? And I just kinda wait for them to be like, oh that doesn't count. I just feel like there's a lot of ace exclusion even within the community so it's hard to feel like I belong.

I wrote a whole response, and then accidentally refreshed my inbox and lost all of it. Oops! So here I go again:

Absolutely. 

I am ace. I call myself queer, too, because that’s also what I am. I “don’t identify as straight and/or cisgender.” Exclusionism is, right now, a part of being ace; people outside of the LGBT+ community will tell you “it doesn’t count” and people inside the LGBT+ community will tell you “it doesn’t count.” Some people believe aces should have their own separate community, as part of exclusionism. 

But why not? My lack of attraction to people, my difference from the “norm,” my difference from being heterosexual is all part of what I think makes me queer. Even if you are asexual and you are attracted to people, because your attraction is still different. While (broadly speaking) asexuality means we aren’t attracted to people, there are still intersections in our experiences with other members of the LGBT+ community; for example, questioning your identity and relationships in a way that heterosexual people do not. 

It is hard to feel like you belong. I know. There is a lot of pain sometimes in being asexual, and trying to (or giving up) on explaining your identity to other people who don’t understand or refuse to. But I promise you do.

You don’t owe your identity to anyone. But as contradictory as it is to say right after that, don’t be afraid of who you are. You’re ace, and you belong to the LGBT+ community. That’s that. Know it.

And—it’s not a problem with you. It’s not a problem with your identity. It’s their problem, the people who believe or say you don’t belong.