2021-09-11: The Devil You Know (Part 3)
Sunday Sept 20 (evening)
After getting launched down the well, Lucky gets separated from the party while everyone is traveling constantly-changing River Styx. The rest of the party is picked up by a patrol boat from the Nessus Department of Customs, Security, and Taxation and dropped off at the border office. A huge devil named Doyle is working on paperwork for the day's confiscation reports, and asks the party to remain behind a line on the floor while conducting business. The party tries to tell Doyle that they have an appointment with Asmodeus, but the name the appointment is under is not recorded properly in the logbooks. Eventually it is discovered that the appointment was booked under SHART's contact information at 1-800-SHARTED.
"What business do you have with Asmodeus?" the devil asks.
The short version is that they are to deliver a beverage befitting a king, and also helping alleviate some of that damnable constipation. Doyle wonders aloud why he shouldn't just kill everyone and take the loot to Asmodeus himself and potentially earn a promotion instead.
Razzle attempts to intimidate Doyle with their didgeriboop, but fiend is not swayed. Not a bit. Tweazle attempts to put a toe over the line, but Doyle readies a fireball in response and Tweazle's toe goes straight back to the right side of the line.
Spleenifer attempts to bribe Doyle for safe passage with be mentioning that they are in possession of a powerful intoxicant that they would be willing to part with. The intoxicant in question is actually just one of Spleenifer's tithes, and not a drug at all. Doyle calls her bluff and asks her to demonstrate the intoxicating qualities of the substance. Spleenifer jams a stinky finger up her nose, but doesn't manage to pull off the ruse successfully.
Razzle interjects and mentions that there is a whole ritual that goes with the drug and that Spleenifer was too blunt in the endeavor. They position Spleenifer's stinky finger below Razzle's nose and waft it like a fine wine. Razzle manages to keep lunch down long enough begin the actual deception. They lay it on thick, acting properly intoxicated.
Doyle's impressed at the possibilities such a narcotic possesses, and is willing to allow the party to pass through safely. Provided that they give up a few more hits of that precious drug. And some gold, too. The party contributes 3 gold and a single copper piece with the explanation that all of the money got spent on the drugs. Doyle gives them the side-eye, but allows them to pass through the portal to Asmodeus's chamber.
The portal strips the party of their iceberg appearance and deposits everyone in a luxurious infirmary. There are fountains and greenery and quality marble everywhere, but only one of the many beds is occupied. Asmodeus is writhing on his back in pain with a horribly distended belly, and Tweazle steps forward to drop the whole mug (yes, including the mug itself) into Asmodeus's open mouth.
Something starts moving inside Asmodeus's engorged belly. Asmodeus howls in agony, and Spleenifer readies her staff with Banishing Smite. The divine energy of Lathander channeled through the staff forces the foul blockage out onto the floor.
A pulsating umbilical cord of sorts is still connected to Asmodeus, and the horse-sized pile of poop begins to form a disgusting face. Moments later, the pile begins to speak in a horrible gurgle. It announces that it is to be called Assmadeuce and declares itself to be the child of Norozogaan, the demon lord of filth.
Naturally, combat begins in earnest at this point. Razzle tosses out some sweet jams to boost morale, which allows Spleenifer to continue her smiting. Tweazle narrowly avoids getting blasted by Assmadeuce's bile attack, and strikes back with a lightning arrow that severs the umbilical cord between Assmadeuce and Asmodeus. A putrid man-sized nugget of fecal ferocity emerges from where the umbilical was severed.
Assmadeuce unleashes a flesh-warping attack against Tweazle, Melboarne, and the elephant. Once the damage kicks in, the elephant gets wings and takes to the air, Melboarne's legs become different lengths, and Tweazle gets darkvision. Moments later, Spleenifer gets charmed by Assmadeuce and makes her try to banish Razzle back to the Material Plane. But Razzle is able to avoid the effects of the banishment, so at least we're good on that front!
The elephant gets hit with a bile attack while it attempted to dive bomb Assmadeus, resulting in the death of the elephant. However, the elephant was directly over Assmadeuce when it died... Meaning a huge corpse from an elephant just fell from a height of 35 feet and nearly killed Assmadeuce.
More thunder damage finally destroys Assmadeuce, but it causes the nugget to split into two. Razzle uses Thunderwave and Vicious Mockery to destroy the nuggets. Due to the unfortunate placement of Tweazle's fire elemental, the exploding nuggets pass through the fire elemental and turn into a shower of flaming poop dust. Spleenifer manages to capture a sample in her holy book, though, so that's good.
Tweazle heals everyone, even Asmodeus. This gesture of benevolence results in Asmodeus gifting Tweazle a spell scroll of Meteor Swarm. The rest of the party is gifted with three special cards that can summon some of Hell's Infernal Generals to aid the party in their struggle. Asmodeus also gifts everyone in SHART (present or not) 10,000 platinum pieces.
Once the party gets a chance to rest, they will be sent up to Avernus, the topmost layer of the Nine Hells. There they must cross that realm and the Blood River to reach the Material Plane and eventually travel through the Shadow Spire to fight Norozogaan in the Abyss. If anyone can do it, it's gonna be these people!
Stay tuned next time for more!