Can I talk about how people talk about attachment styles? Because like, whether or not people should be using attachment theory, they are, and some of the stuff they’re saying is so shit.
Like my therapist from a few years ago went over attachment theory, and I would fall into the avoidant category. Which I know makes me a difficult person to date, and I’m very aware of my triggers (I have ptsd) and I make sure I communicate with my partners when I’m feeling disconnected and I try to handle that as best I can.
However, all I keep seeing when attatchment theory is brought up is people saying not to date an avoidant under any circumstances and that it’s “not worth it” and they’re awful people and their trauma isn’t an excuse to be “abusive.” And like, yeah, I totally understand why people would have those reactions (and I’m not condoning emotional manipulation or abuse) especially if they’ve been hurt before. I mean, I freely admit that I can be difficult to be in a relationship with, and if someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me because of it, I respect that too.
But saying that “avoidants” shouldn’t be allowed to date, or aren’t worth love is just so fucked up. I’m aware that I need to work on myself and my relationships harder than most people, and that ensuring I can be intimate comes from me first, but I’m still a person.
Idk, so many articles are about “how to cope when your partner is avoidant” and I understand why, and I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt by someone like me. But half the time I’m trying to find a resource that’ll help me stop beung avoidant and all I really find is people telling me I shouldn’t date until I’m “fixed.” Sentiments like these are not helpful by any means, and it really just reinforces the belief that I should be better off alone even though I crave closeness, which is kinda the whole deal with an avoidant attatchment style as it is.
It just feels like people are understanding about mental health issues until it becomes something they don’t understand. Or until it becomes something that’s socially unacceptable. People seem to understand the need to ask for reassurance, but the need to ask for space? Apparently that’s too far.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here, but my main point is, when we’re looking at theories or therapy speak, I really think there needs to be more of an awareness that real people actually do struggle with these things. “X attatchment style” isn’t something we should be throwing around like an accusation and it shouldn’t be a death sentence for dating. I see this kind of thing a lot with personality disorders too and it fucking sucks, it really does.
Mental illness shouldn’t be supported only when it’s something “acceptable” though I hesitate to use that term because pretty much any symptom of any mental illness is treated in the same way. I’m just tired I guess, and I think we need to be more careful than we are when talking about these issues.
