#attentiveness

[fuggpuxks]

thinking about what kind of long distance couple bedmint would be!!! They spend all summer together only to have to readjust to the distance again once the season starts again and Connor is having major boyfriend withdrawals. He down bad, okay? and not having Fraser close to shower with small daily boyfriend-ish gifts is killing him a little (a lot). And whereas Fraser is good with words, always knowing what Connor needs to hear for encouragement and reassurance, Connors gift giving is his way of silently telling Fraser-"look! I see you! I know you, I listen to everything you talk about- your largest desires and your smallest wants! I know you so well from my observations that I can easily pick out what I know you would appreciate the most. I've observed you to your very core and I know what you like, see? do you like it? I was right, right? I picked correctly? Of course I did, I know you. No amount of distance can change that.

He passes Fraser's favorite candy in the store and it stings that he knows theres no point in him buying it for a boyfriend that can no long receive them. Fraser's all the way in Boston and Connor is stuck moping in Chicago every time he sees a book, mug, hat or even a pen he knows Fraser would like. Sometimes he buys the items anyways, it's something for him to look forward to the next time he sees his boyfriend. But the waiting is killing him. He's the type to buy a gift and immediately want to tell the person what he got them. He's practicing a lot of self restraint by not immediately snapping a photo of his small gifts and sending them to Fraser.

What he missed most though was surprising Fraser with flowers. Fraser told him once, whispering to him in bed, they were his favorite thing to receive from Connor. He had sounded embarrassed about it but nothing could stop the warmth that flooded Connor's chest at the admission. Connors also couldn't fight the small, smug smile that found his way onto his face because his suspicion was correct; Fraser was the kind of guy that liked receiving flowers but would never ask for them.

All that to say, it kills Connor that he can't give flowers to Fraser during the season. Until he remembers he can. Online ordering exists. He knows Frasers address, favorite flowers, and his schedule to know when he would be home to receive them. Connor can't believe he forgot about ordering things to Frasers apartment as a surprise. And soon he can't help himself; he's ordering congratulatory flowers every time Fraser has a good game and his favorite candy and flowers every time he has a less than stellar one. It gets out of control fairly quick, Connor doesn't realize how many times he clicks the 'place order' button on his phone, confirming another impromptu gift. Fraser could send him a picture of the book he's reading and Connor wouldn't be able to fight the urge to hit the 'order again' button. It's become wired into Connors brain to send flowers anytime he feels affection towards Fraser.

Fraser is actually starting to get freaked out. His apartment has more flowers than he has vases and he has no clue where or who they are coming from. Whoever is sending them never leaves a name (Connor has never realized that the text box on the order page is for writing a message) and at this point, Fraser is a little paranoid he has a stalker. A stalker that knows his favorite flowers, candy, tea, and even candle scent (Yes, one bouquet did come with a candle. The nice kind that Fraser feels a little ridiculous spending money on and if it's currently burning in his living room thats no ones business but his own), but a stalker nonetheless. But he's also pretty sure his stalker is his boyfriend in Chicago. Something in him refuses to ask, a part of him afraid that if he points it out, the flowers will arrive less frequently. However, his suspicions are laid to rest when he gets his confirmation in the form of a text weeks later from his boyfriend:

Connor: "hey frase the flower shop I order from says that I bought all of their flowers that you like and will be out of stock for a bit because "I depleted their stock because of how often I was buying them and they can't get any more until next month". Is it okay if I just send u a pic with my shirt off instead? 🤥

[lurasposts]

tsctir chapter novel where Hyeonje hugged Yoojin from the back before he turned Yoojin around to hide his face from Yoohyun and Yerim because Yoojin was clearly having a panic attack.

I remember Yoojin briefly mentioned that he doesn't know what Hyeonje saw in his (panic driven) face, but Hyeonje was "slightly uncharacteristically flustered" AND NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT THIS?

The way Hyeonje was clearly not used to people especially han Yoojin inadvertently showing vulnerability in front of him, or maybe it was because he was seeing Yoojin like that for the first time, that he wasn't used to it and flustered for a second because our might Hyeonje didn't know what to do in a situation for the first time. bro definitely was NOT used to comforting people during panic attacks episodes lol.

He didn't force Yoojin or anything. he knew Yoojin doesn't wang to look fragile in front of the kids, so he turned his face to do exactly that. covered his face, hiding him. and then made jokes to Yerim and Yoohyun to distract them for Yoojin so Yoojin could breathe for a second. all the while probably had never done this before.

and Yoojin's second panic attack after the Virtual Reality (Sigma arc) Dungeon, Hyeonje picked Yoojin up and "took wide strides" far enough from the others because Yoojin needed space, needed an out. he even used that soundproofing item so Yoojin could cry his heart out. he's just considerate like that. then he gave him space again, when Yoohyun is around, let this arms (that supported Yoojin) go to hug his brother.

and when they met again, Yoojin had many other things to think about that he pushed down the issue with panic attacks, but Hyeonje brought it up, still thinking about him (obviously) and– and you could SEE Hyeonje spent a few days after that thinking about it, considering what to do with Yoojin, how to get Yoojin talk about it.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

“[P]eople think of compassion as, like, kindness. The image comes to mind of some nice New Age guy bending to something with a look on his face like he’s about to cry. And I don’t think that’s it. I think of it more as a quality of openness that comes with being in a state of unusual attentiveness.” ― George Saunders

[bluewillowmoon]

“Hold your finger to the sky with so much force it lengthens like a spine. Look up to the point of it and beyond. There. That tiny patch of the world, no bigger than the tip of your finger. At first glance, it might look like one flat color. Blue, or gray, or maybe even orange.

But it's much more complex than that. Squint. See the daubs of lilac. The streak of sage no wider than a hyphen. That butterscotch smear and the faint wash of carnelian. All of them coming together to swirl at the point just above your finger.

Breathe them in. Let them settle in your lungs. Those are the colors of right now.”

— Emily X.R. Pan, from The Astonishing Color of After (Little, Brown Books, 2018)

[notesofamt]

I want to learn to show up, even when it’s inconvenient. 

[credits-roll]

You keep your eye on the queen, and the knights, and the bishop, because they are the sneaky ones. But it’s the rook that often gets you. The straightforward is never quite what it seems.

The Midnight Library, Matt Haig

[venuskind]