#gregcarsten

[collectivestuck-blog]

Epilogue

JAMES: So, what do we want our new universe to look like? JAMES: I vote for mecha. All the fuck over the place. TIFFANY: Ew! No! STEPHANIE: Do you even know what those are? TIFFANY: I know James wants them, so they're probably something weird and gross. ELIZABETH: I think we shouldn't mess with what we know works. STEPHANIE: Does it really work? STEPHANIE: The world was destroyed by meteors. ELIZABETH: I admit, we could probably change that part. GREG: I think it's our leader's decision. GREG: He's responsible for our victory. The honor is his. STEVE: Uh, I don't know about that. STEPHANIE: I vote for that. Steve gets to choose. JAMES: Second. TIFFANY: I'm okay with that! ELIZABETH: Then it's agreed. STEVE: Well... uh... STEVE: Okay, I guess. TIFFANY: So what do you want it to be? STEVE: Well... STEVE: I think Liz is right. I kind of liked our old world, even with all its problems. STEVE: That's what made it interesting. STEVE: And as long as you guys are all there, that's all I really want. TIFFANY: I can go for that! GREG: We will be gods of a sort there. I suppose we can ensure that nothing truly disasterous happens. JAMES: So no mecha? STEVE: Dude, you can't even drive a car. I’m not giving you a giant robot. JAMES: Man, this is bullshit. STEPHANIE: I vote against James owning a giant robot. TIFFANY: Yes! STEVE: Okay. Everybody ready? JAMES: You know it. ELIZABETH: I am. TIFFANY: Me too! GREG: A smooth operator is always ready. STEPHANIE: I vote against Greg being allowed to say that anymore. JAMES: Second. STEVE: Alright. Here goes nothing!

-- The End --

[collectivestuck-blog]

63

A SMOOTH OPERATOR is prepared for anything.

But you were not at all prepared for how slippery your dad's blood would be.

He gasps with every step, which makes you want to slow down. Any time you stop, however, he wheezes out a command to keep moving. All you can do is haul him as quickly as possible.

The Miles tear through the palace behind you. It took you and Tiffany a tremendous effort to distract the Black Queen long enough for your dad to slip away. Tiff is a ways behind you, using her temporal sight to dodge red tendrils of destruction and keep the Queen's attention. At this point, she's even better than you are. She could probably kick your ass twelve ways to Sunday.

And she's your girlfriend now.

That's goddamn awesome.

You drag your dad around the corner and down the front steps. The guard has already scattered; according to Tiff, James' grandfather has them so scared they won't leave their barracks. It's a good thing - there's no way your dad could stand on his own, and you're good but not good enough to fight with two hundred pounds of dead weight.

All your Eagle Scout first aid training isn't much help against these kinds of wounds. You can tell just by looking that he's probably never going to use his left arm again, and you're going to need to get him immediate help if he's going to keep his legs. Liz has the most medical knowledge - you'll even put up with her meddling and accusing questions if it saves your dad.

His breathing is even more ragged as you pull him into the open street. You press against the largest open wound, trying to keep him stable.

DAD: Pressure... keep the wound elevated... GREG: I know, Dad. I have you.

His arm slips from the gash at his side, and you shift to try to cover that one too.

TIFFANY: Greg! TIFFANY: She’s almost here!

Your girlfriend sprints out of the palace, the Miles licking at her feet.

TIFFANY: We have to get out of here! GREG: I know! I’m working on it!

The two of you can just wake up and you’ll be okay, but your dad doesn’t have a dreamself.

GREG: Can you see something in one of the other timelines? TIFFANY: I don’t know! I just keep seeing us dying! TIFFANY: Can you do some sort of spacey thing? GREG: How will winning an Oscar help? TIFFANY: Not funny, Greg!

You concentrate as hard as you can.

Space.

Some sort of space thing.

You’re the hero of space. You have to have some sort of space power. Tiffany has time powers. You have to have space powers.

A SMOOTH OPERATOR would have space powers.

The Black Queen steps onto the top stair. Her face is wide with the most wicked grin you’ve ever seen.

Your dad needs you to have space powers.

Everything goes black.

You’re standing on the hill on the Land of Salts and Sonance beneath the gate back to your world. Tiffany’s there in front of you, and your dad is still on your arm.

TIFFANY: What... happened? DAD: Space... motion... position...

He finally collapses.

GREG: DAD!

Tiffany rushes over, and the two of you each grab one of his hands.

GREG: Stay with me, Dad. DAD: Greg... GREG: I’m here. DAD: Taught you... everything... GREG: Yeah, Dad. You taught me everything. I wouldn’t be half what I am without you. DAD: No... DAD: So much... better... DAD: Best of... Carsten name... DAD: Make me... so proud... DAD: So proud of you, Greg.

His hand slips out of yours.

It seems like hours before the tears stop.

TIFFANY: ...Greg? GREG: I’m okay.

She wraps her arms around you, and your legs give out.

It’s even later when you finally lift your head from her shoulder.

GREG: So. GREG: We’re not done. TIFFANY: ...No, we’re not. GREG: We have to breed the frogs on my planet. TIFFANY: Yeah. But that’s going to take a while. GREG: I have time. TIFFANY: ...Um. TIFFANY: I have a shortcut. TIFFANY: But I don’t know if you want to hear it. GREG: ...My dad said shortcuts were never worth it. You don’t grow if you don’t push yourself. TIFFANY: Okay. GREG: ...No. What is it? TIFFANY: Are you sure? GREG: I won’t lose anyone else because we were too slow. TIFFANY: ...There’s a level above what we can do normally. TIFFANY: God tier. GREG: What do we have to do? TIFFANY: Um. TIFFANY: ..Follow me.

She leads you across the plains, past the mounds of crystals, until you finally reach a red stone slab with raised corners.

TIFFANY: This is my Quest Bed. GREG: So you need to sleep on it. TIFFANY: No, Greg. TIFFANY: I have to die on it. GREG: No.

She takes your hands and kisses you before looking into your eyes.

TIFFANY: My dreamself will reach god tier. TIFFANY: You can use your space powers to move it from Derse here. TIFFANY: I won’t really be dead. GREG: ...I’m not going to lose you. TIFFANY: You won’t. TIFFANY: I promise.

You stare into her beautiful green eyes. She’s got the best figure you’ve ever seen, curvy in all the right places but still muscular, but it’s her eyes that are easily her best feature. You could get lost in her eyes.

Almost without thinking, you move her other body to rest beside the stone.

GREG: You’re sure. TIFFANY: Yes. GREG: Absolutely sure. TIFFANY: I am. GREG: ...You’re really sure.

She kisses you again, and you hold it until neither of you can breathe.

Then she steps back, and you slide the Hidden Chainblade from its sheath in your arm.

GREG: ...I love you, Tiffany. TIFFANY: I love you too.

The blade slides effortlessly across her neck.

[collectivestuck-blog]

49

You are legitimately going insane.

For the first few days of your imposed exile, you handled yourself well. Having a goal helped; you spent hours analyzing the structure and mechanisms behind the Forge. Your Sylladex is crammed full of diagrams detailing its inner workings. Once you understood the layout of the volcano, you began drawing up blueprints for a device that would ignite it. Inside, at the bottom of the funnel, is a blast door that radiates heat. The magma must be trapped behind it. There are no clear operational mechanisms to open the door, so you’ll have to rip it off through force. Unfortunately, none of the robots you’ve designed have enough torque to do the job, and you don’t have enough in the way of raw materials anyway.

By the time you came to the conclusion that you lacked the means to solve your problem alone, you had been abandoned for a week. Tiffany and Liz still had you blocked, and Tiffany hadn’t done anything as your server at all. Steve has refused to answer any messages either. At point you went so far as to strike up a conversation with ButlerBot. He’s probably the worst conversationalist ever, though – all he does is agree with everything you say and offer you tea that he doesn’t have.

For week two, you decided to try a new approach to the Forge problem. If you didn’t have the necessary equipment, you’d just have to fabricate it. Your unparalleled intellect immediately discerned the best method of doing so was to crack the code behind the captcha cards. You would just figure out how the eight-character codes correlated to the objects they represented, and then you could alchemitize anything. First, you went on a two-day hunting binge, slaughtering imps to build up your grist cache. You then sat down and started cracking. Your room is now full of pointless items, often composed of multiple things jammed into each other in defiance of the laws of physics.

It’s been more than three weeks now, and all you’ve been able to determine is that the captcha system makes no goddamn sense.

GREG: This is all your fault. BUTLERBOT: Yes, sir. I am a disappointment.

That was the most stimulating conversation you’ve had in nearly a month.

Legitimately insane.

You rub your eyes, shadowed by dark rings. The first night, when you fell asleep here and woke up on Derse, you tried to find the dream selves of the other two. Something crazy had been happening there, though, and both other towers were empty. The few Dersites that would talk to you only stuttered something about a team of monsters killing off royalty before dashing off into hiding. You haven’t slept much since then. There’s no point.

The clock on your HUD says it’s time to try opening the lines of communication again. Every day, you check BadgerBud to see if you’ve been unblocked. After the second week, you lost all hope. It’s routine, though, so you give it another try.

Nope.

Hell, at this point, you’ll even talk to James.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

AA: James. BB: just fucking great BB: im busy here AA: Please. BB: no BB: fuck off

-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

This is it, then.

You’re going to die here, alone, a complete and utter failure. You’ll never accomplish your assigned task, you’ll never learn the point of all this. You’ll never get to apologize to Tiffany.

GREG: This is… BUTLERBOT: All my fault, yes, sir. May I make up for it with crumpets? GREG: No. GREG: This is all my fault. GREG: I wasn’t charming enough. I’m supposed to be smooth. I should have been able to talk her out of it. BUTLERBOT: As you say, sir. Might I suggest a drink to calm your nerves? GREG: …Is that really it? BUTLERBOT: Of course it is, sir. GREG: …I just wanted what was best for everyone.

Your throat is starting to hurt. You haven’t talked this much in a month.

GREG: I had to be the example that Steve needs. GREG: I had to be the prize Tiffany wants. GREG: They needed me to be better than them so they could aspire to greatness. BUTLERBOT: And you are great, sir. GREG: …I’m not, am I? GREG: It’s all an act. GREG: I’m a cocky asshole who needs to push people around. GREG: I… GREG: I drove away all my friends. BUTLERBOT: Indeed, sir. GREG: And now none of them will talk to me at all.

…Wait. That’s not entirely true.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

AA: Stephanie. II: what AA: Can I please ask you something? II: no II: were busy AA: You and Steve? II: me and james II: were working on my quest AA: Please. I need to talk to Tiffany, and she won’t speak to me. II: no II: go away AA: Please. I’ll do anything. II: then do me a favor and go away AA: …Okay.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

And your last hope dwindles away.

…

…

A favor.

Favor!

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

AA: Steve. AA: I know you’re there. AA: If you don’t respond, I will exercise my power as your server. AA: I’ll drop something on you. SS: You know, I was really enjoying not being bothered you for a month. SS: I was talking to an AA who didn’t constantly tell me how terrible I was. SS: It was great. AA: Steve. I need to talk to Tiffany. SS: No. SS: She and I have actually had enjoyable conversations lately. SS: You didn’t come up in them at all. AA: Steve. I’m sorry. AA: I was an ass. AA: Now please, tell her to talk to me. SS: Ha! SS: If you think I’m going to believe that, you’re an idiot. AA: …Please, Steve. Accept my apology. SS: No. AA: …I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. AA: I’m calling in my favor. SS: What? AA: When I agreed to be your server, you promised me a boon of my choice. AA: This is it. Get Tiffany to contact me. SS: … AA: You owe me, Steve. You know you do. SS: … AA: Are you the kind of guy who would go back on your word? SS: …I hate you. SS: I fucking hate you. SS: Hold on.

--

…Did it work?

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] --

EE: greg? AA: Tiffany. AA: Please listen. AA: I have been an ass. AA: I have been terrible to you and to Steve. AA: I have done nothing but hurt both of you. AA: And I am sorry. AA: Please. AA: Can we be friends again? EE: … EE: :O!!! EE: do you really mean that? AA: I do. AA: You were right. I needed time alone to see how big a dick I really was. AA: I’m sorry. EE: greg! EE: i am so glad to hear that! EE: tbh EE: i really missed you! ;) AA: I missed you too. EE: ive been telling steve that i wished you would come back AA: …Really? EE: uh huh EE: we should build you up to the gate so you can come here EE: im gonna give you the biggest hug ;) AA: …I haven’t completed my quest yet. I can’t light the Forge. EE: maybe i can help with that AA: I’ve been trying to reverse-engineer the captcha code for an explosive that would set off the volcano, but the system is utterly impossible. EE: ill check another timeline and see if i can find something AA: …Excuse me? EE: okay EE: i have the code for the bomb you need EE: ready? AA: …How did you get that? EE: its kind of complicated EE: ill tell you when you get here AA: Okay. Give me the code. EE: kabooom! AA: … EE: thats the code AA: …

--

You smack your face so hard it leaves a mark.

--

AA: Okay, I’m making the explosive now. AA: Yes, this is exactly what I’m looking for. EE: told you :) AA: Let me go set it up.

--

You stash the timebomb in your Sylladex and start climbing the volcano. Early on you figured out the quickest path, so it doesn’t take you long. You set the timer, take careful aim, and chuck the bomb at the blast door.

Then you run like hell.

The Forge erupts brilliantly, lava launching into the air before draining down the multitude of pipes and grooves down the face of the volcano. As it seeps down, the machinery around starts to whir.

--

EE: woah! EE: all the factory parts are starting AA: They must be thermal powered. Lighting the Forge activated the whole planet. EE: and look! EE: frogs!

--

All of the sealed compartments you’ve been seeing in the ground are opening as the machinery hums to life. Frogs of all shapes and sizes leap out, croaking at each other.

--

AA: This is part of my quest too. EE: i know EE: come through the gate EE: i have an idea for how to make it easier AA: Alright. EE: greg EE: im so glad youre back ;) AA: I am too.

[collectivestuck-blog]

44

This is the strangest thing you’ve seen in a long time. It’s as though someone decided to design a man-made volcano. The surface is polished to a mirror sheen, with temperature and pressure gages at regular intervals. Reinforced tubes run down the face into the floor, presumably to transport magma to safe containment. You can see bolts where the individual plates that make up the structure meet.

It would be a lot more impressive if it worked, though.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –

AA: Tiffany. Can you find me? EE: maybe EE: gimme a sec EE: aha! EE: found you! ;) AA: Any idea what I’m looking at here? EE: woah! EE: umm EE: lemme see EE: oh! its the forge! AA: It appears to be a volcano – or at least a reasonable facsimile. EE: yeah EE: its part of your quest AA: My quest? EE: hang on EE: steve wants something

--

Well. While she’s busy with him, you should see if you can obtain any more information.

GREG: Shiva. What is this quest I supposedly have? SHIVASPRITE: user.aspect = SPACE SHIVASPRITE: getQuest(user.aspect) SHIVASPRITE: user.quest = forge.stoke() SHIVASPRITE: for(int i = 0; i < planet.getFrogCount(); i++) SHIVASPRITE: user.quest += getDNA(planet.frogs[i]);

That’s… interesting. You have to make this volcano erupt, and then… something about obtaining DNA from frogs? Liz mentioned frogs, and you assume that all of the sealed compartments you keep seeing are where they’re kept. You can’t imagine how you’re supposed to get their DNA, though. Perhaps that will be more clear once you stoke the Forge.

Which will be quite the task by itself. Assuming the volcano is active at all, you’d need something drastic to set it off. Tiffany seems to have gained a great deal of information all of a sudden. She likely knows something.

--

AA: Tiffany. Tell me more about the Forge. EE: greg!!! EE: >:( AA: Pardon? EE: steve told me about how you were a dick to him! AA: I was no such thing. EE: you made him climb a huge ladder! AA: I offered him the most efficient method of reaching his gate. It saved both time and grist. AA: And it meant I could return to working with you. EE: oh no you dont EE: dont try to make this about us EE: you need to stop fucking with steve AA: I’m just doing what’s best for everyone. AA: Steve needs opportunities to grow, and you and I need to progress as far as we possibly can. EE: >:( EE: greg why do you have to be a jerk all the time AA: I have no idea what you’re talking about. AA: If people happen to react negatively to me, that’s their problem. EE: >:(!!! AA: What do you want from me, Tiffany? EE: i want you to apologize to steve! EE: and then to stop being such an asshole! EE: god greg! EE: youre really smart and cute and confident and stuff! EE: why do you have be a jerk too! AA: I have never intentionally been a jerk. EE: really? EE: >:( AA: Okay, perhaps occasionally I have been unnecessarily harsh to Steve. But only for his benefit. AA: He needs someone to push him. EE: no EE: you need someone to push! EE: >:( AA: I most certainly do not. EE: dont give me that! EE: i see right through you! EE: its not enough for you to be cool EE: you have to be cooler than everybody and make sure they know it! AA: Preposterous. EE: im not talking to you anymore greg EE: you want to be better than everyone else then fine EE: go be perfect by yourself

-- equineEngineer [EE] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

Wh…

What?

She…

She blocked you.

That’s impossible. You’re a SMOOTH OPERATOR.

Sure, you act a little arrogant, but that’s part of SMOOTH OPERATING. She likes that. She said so.

…What do you do now?

[collectivestuck-blog]

41

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –

EE: greg! AA: Tiffany. I’m glad to see you. EE: im glad to see you too! ;) AA: How are you acclimating to all of this? EE: its kind of weird EE: but this place is so cool! AA: I assume you’re ready to start toward our goal. EE: yep! EE: …uh EE: what goal is that? AA: First, we need to build up to the gate over my house. AA: I’ve already obtained plenty of grist. EE: woah! :O EE: you’ve really been busy AA: Just waiting for you, my dear. EE: gimme a sec to figure out how to build

--

While she fiddles with your house, you take a moment to catch up on the rest of the BadgerBud messages you received while you were busy. Apparently Steve and James discovered another piece of the Phernalia Registry.

--

AA: Tiffany. EE: hmm? AA: There should be a CD in the Registry. Deploy it for me. EE: okay

--

The CD slot on your armor opens, and you slide it in. With the infinite processing power of the most advanced clothing of the future, you have it installed almost instantly. You look at your team’s shared storage. Steve has cluttered it with grist and…

Tsk tsk. Really, Steve? Showing off these abject failures? This just makes him look like an immature idiot.

He has so much more potential than he shows. You want him to succeed – you really do – but he keeps holding himself back. He never had someone to push him before, not like you did. His jealousy is a double-edged sword; he really should be man enough to ignore how great you are and focus on himself, but his self-imposed rivalry has driven him to grow. If he had the confidence due someone of his intellect, the girls would be all over him. Still, if he needs you to serve as both goal and inspiration, you’ll do it. You make a mental note to chide him for displaying his failures so openly. A SMOOTH OPERATOR needs to watch his appearances.

--

EE: okay greg! EE: i made all the way up!

--

She made a series of floors, supported by white columns and connected by staircases, stacked up to reach the gate. You start your climb.

--

EE: :O !!! EE: greg! EE: youve got trouble!

--

The ground rumbles, and you see a massive swarm of Steel Imps charging at your house. Not a problem – earning enough grist to build up this high shot you up your Echeladder to AUGMENTED ADEPT. The imps charge up the stairs, flailing each of their four arms in wild swings.

You never asked for this, but you’ll sure as shit take it.

SLICE!

Your Hidden Chainblade whips out of your gauntlet, beheading three imps with one slash. The rest pause and look amongst each other. Eventually, they push one forward, and it raises its arms sheepishly. You lunge, carving it in two.

The remaining imps scramble over each other to get back down the stairs.

As you smirk, an enormous hand grabs onto the floor. The TITANIUM OGRE pulls itself up and snarls at you.

Pistons on your legs give you extra push as you dash forward, drawing your blade across its ankles. The teeth tear into its silver hide, and it howls as it drops to its knees. You leap up, slicing through its neck. As you land, you’re showered in grist. The Chainblade slides back into your armor with a flick of your wrist, and you brush your hair out of your face with your other hand.

SMOOTH.

OPERATOR.

--

EE: :O greg… EE: THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!! AA: Hardly. It wasn’t even a challenge. EE: ;O AA: Do you see any more? EE: i dont think so EE: theyre all running away

--

All too easy. You make your way to the top of your house. One final staircase leads up to the gate.

--

EE: wait! EE: do you know what happens when you go through that? AA: No. Only that it’s where I need to go. EE: are you sure? EE: we just got back together EE: i dont want to lose you again ;( AA: Don’t worry. AA: There’s nothing through there that I can’t handle. AA: Especially if you’re helping me. EE: okay EE: i trust you

--

You know she can still see you, so you look up, kiss your fingers, and hold them up. Then you walk into the gate.

[collectivestuck-blog]

28

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

AA: Liz. PP: Hello, Greg. AA: I understand you’ve successfully entered the game. PP: I have. PP: Now I’m attempting to enlighten my new friends. AA: Friends? PP: The consorts of my world. They appear to be part of a pagan cult that worships us. PP: And frogs, for some reason. AA: Ah. That must be what all of these compartments contain. AA: And these creatures would be consorts. PP: Oh, what do you have? I believe Steve was being vexed by monkeys. AA: I believe these are foxes. PP: Hmmm. Then it would appear each world has its own consorts. Fascinating. AA: But likely unimportant. Have you encountered any imps and earned any grist? PP: Yes. I’m sorry, but I’ve already alchemized a few items. AA: … PP: I think Steve has as well. AA: I expected this recklessness from him, but not from you. AA: I explicitly laid out an optimal strategy. We can’t afford to squander our time and resources. PP: You don’t trust us to make good decisions. AA: Of course I do. AA: I just trust myself to make better ones. PP: …I’m beginning to understand why Steve finds you so frustrating. AA: That was a joke. PP: Sure it was. AA: Regardless, we need structure. We can do far more if we’re certain we are all working toward the same goal. PP: So you say. PP: I think you’re just afraid to give up power. PP: You’ve been head of every team you’ve joined and every projected you’ve worked on. You’re now in a situation where you can’t just take charge, and you’re terrified. PP: I could hazard guesses about the source of this need for control – I know how strict your father can be – but I think I’ll leave that up to you. AA: Are you done? AA: I have work to do. AA: Don’t do any more alchemy without consulting me first.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] --

The nerve of that girl. She’s always been meddlesome, but directly contracting your orders? You have a history of successful leadership. It only makes sense that you seize authority – for the good of everyone. You are the one best suited to keeping everyone safe and successfully winning the game.

And your relationship with your father has always been absolutely fine. He’s pushed you, yes, but only to make sure you reached your full potential. You wouldn’t be the champion of the robotics club and an Eagle Scout and a straight-A student and a SMOOTH OPERATOR if not for his guidance. You’re the pinnacle of excellence because you have the support you need to keep you focused.

Well. If she’s going to be obstinate, you’ll just let her waste her own time.

SHIVASPRITE: ERROR SHIVASPRITE: user.getServer().connection > maxTime SHIVASPRITE: user.build() cannot accept null parameters SHIVASPRITE: user.enterGate() cannot accept null parameters SHIVASPRITE: server is a key field SHIVASPRITE: server cannot be null

Your magnum opus is correct. You need to contact Tiffany again. While you could certainly continue alchemizing with the objects you have, there are certainly better uses for the grist you’ve been collecting. The devices you had a grist cost, so there must be more that you couldn’t afford before.

You do have a client player. Perhaps you’ll take a look at the Phernalia Registry from the server side.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

AA: Steve. SS: Oh. Wonderful. SS: As if I didn’t have enough of a headache now. AA: Leave the apes alone. I’m going to look at the options available in the Phernalia Registry. AA: You’ve been able to earn a surprising amount of grist. I’m impressed. SS: Don’t patronize me, Greg. AA: I’m not. Well done, Steve. AA: You’ve even made a high-quality weapon. A fine example of resourcefulness. AA: Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend some of your grist. SS: What if I do mind? AA: I’m going to do it anyway. But I would prefer your consent. AA: I’m not an asshole. SS: Says you. SS: Fine. Do whatever you’re going to do. SS: I’m going to get back to throwing away anything remotely like a coconut on this whole planet.

--

You open the Phernalia Registry and begin perusing. Steve already has the Cruxtruder, the Alchemiter, the Totem Lathe, and the Punch Designix. These appear to be the core of the system – obtain Cruxite dowels, punch cards, carve totems, and create objects. Anything else, then, must be supplemental. They would augment the existing devices, or provide some other benefit tangential to the alchemy process.

There are multiple items related to punched cards. As alchemy revolves around them, they’re obviously where to start first.

You attempt to deploy the Jumper Block Extension. A ghost image snaps to the end of the Alchemiter, displaying a number of connection ports. It clips through the wall, though, so you can’t simply deploy it now. You’ll have to make space.

For the first time, you take a good look at the room you’re rearranging. It has the air of a master bedroom, likely where Steve’s mother sleeps. A momentary twinge hits you as you wonder about your own parental figure. It’s nonsense, though; you managed to enter the Medium, and your father is far better than you are. You don’t have a doubt that he found a way to safety.

As a show of respect, you don’t chuck the contents of this room out the window as you did with the spare room. Instead, you take care to move them down to the first floor. That lets you move the Alchemiter and deploy the Jumper Block Extension.

Of course, now you have empty ports. There’s something in the Registry called a Punch Card Shunt. When you drag it out, it fits perfectly on one of the extension ports. It seems, like the Punch Designix, to have a slot for a captchalog card.

--

AA: Alright, Steve. Enough fucking around. I need your help to test something. SS: Okay, okay. I’m headed back in- SS: …Why is my mom’s bed in the kitchen? AA: I needed to make room. Come up to the Alchemiter.

--

After a few moments, you see Steve on the screen.

--

SS: What’s this thing? AA: The Jumper Block Extension. Put one of your cards in the slot. SS: Which one? AA: Didn’t you not want me dictating your moves? SS: Okay, here goes.

--

He draws one of his cards from his Sylladex and slips it in.

The pedestal that scans carved dowels transforms into what appears to be a scale. You place an uncarved dowel on it, and the central platform projects symbols into the air.

A = 2πr2 + 2πhr

V = πr2h

--

AA: You used a geometry textbook, I assume. SS: Yeah. Looks like it makes the Alchemiter calculate the properties of the Cruxore cylinder. AA: Cruxite. SS: What? AA: It’s called Cruxite. SS: Oh. Whatever. AA: More importantly, the Shunt changed the functionality of the Alchemiter. SS: Yeah, it did. AA: Hmm… SS: Hey, I have an idea. AA: Yes? SS: Can we get the captcha codes for the things in the Registry? Maybe we can combine them all into one machine. AA: That’s a good idea. Is your Sylladex capable of capturing something as large as this? SS: Crap. No. AA: Nor is mine. SS: I think Liz can. Check with her. AA: …Why don’t you do that. I have other things here I need to handle. SS: Okay.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

18

You finish off the last of the Steel Imps with a flourish. As usual, your parries and thrusts are perfect. In addition to being a SMOOTH OPERATOR and a genius roboticist, you’re a fantastic fencer. Sure, you’re not undefeated at your fencing classes, but that’s just because you’ve been holding back. Obviously you don’t want to overwhelm your classmates.

Now that you have grist to spare, you can continue learning the intricacies of punch card alchemy. It obviously works by combining the captcha codes from the two objects you want to merge using either a bitwise AND or a bitwise OR. Changing the operation changes the resultant object.

Suit || Robot Prototype = FUTURIST’S FRIPPERY

Suit && Robot Prototype = BUTLERBOT

You’ve donned the Futurist’s Frippery now. It’s shiny, covered in LEDs and pneumatic tubes. Each metal plate that comprises the torso is hexagonal, giving the entire outfit a honeycomb aesthetic. This is compounded by the shades that complete the ensemble, which give everything a yellowish tint. They function as a heads-up display, giving you access to BadgerBud, your web browser, and your host session with Steve. You’ve been ignoring him while you work. He needs to learn to think for himself if he’s going to be a member of your team.

ButlerBot follows you around, trying to offer you a spot of tea. You’d get frustrated, but a SMOOTH OPERATOR never loses his cool.

You consider crafting yourself a new weapon. While your foil is more than adequate to dispatch the trash you’ve encountered so far, you wouldn’t mind something more appropriate to your surroundings. The LAND OF FACTORIES AND FROGS demands something invented sometime after humans walked upright.

Foil || Pneumatic Tube = AIRBLADE

Your sword now has a compression nozzle in the hilt. Squeezing the trigger adds momentum to your thrust, giving your attacks extra power.

It’s a little unwieldy, though.

Futurist’s Frippery && Airblade = HIDDEN AIRBLADE

Now the blade is stored in your suit until you flick your wrist. It still zips out with the same compression blast, but now you can use it as a surprise attack.

You bet there’s a bit more functionality you could add to it.

Hidden Airblade && Bicycle Chain = HIDDEN CHAINBLADE

Serrated teeth spin along the edges of the blade. You bet this could cut through the hide of any imp you could possibly encounter. In fact, this is probably a game breaker.

Obviously your engineering genius is going to be the savior of your team. You should probably take responsibility for manufacturing all of your team’s equipment. It’s just better for everyone if you’re in charge.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

AA: Steve, do not use the Alchemiter. SS: What? Why? AA: We don’t know how available build grist will be. AA: We need to use it as optimally as possible. AA: Send me a list of the contents of your environment and your Sylladex. AA: I will determine the best objects to create. SS: No! Screw you! SS: I’m not going to let you play this game for me. SS: I am the game expert here. And I refuse to take orders from you. AA: As leader of this team, I am the most qualified to make these sorts of important decisions. It’s best for everyone. SS: Screw that! What makes you think you’re leader? AA: Steve. Please. AA: I have the most experience creating intricate devices from limited resources, and I have the most experience managing a team that is capable of victory. AA: Need I remind you which team is the regional champion? SS: Oh yeah. Being the head of the robotics club obviously makes you godking of everything. AA: I’ve already created the best possible weapon available in my circumstances. You should let me do the same for everyone. AA: We need to be strong if we’re going to win this game. SS: No. SS: I can make at least as good a weapon as you can. SS: In fact, I’m going to go do that now. SS: Screw. SS: You.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] is now busy --

Well. So be it.

This will be a good learning experience for him. He can find his limitations, and then he’ll come back and be willing to listen.

In the meantime, you should try to make contact with the rest of your team. Steve may be stubborn, but you’re sure that the others will see reason.

Really, it’s best for everyone.

[collectivestuck-blog]

2

A boy stands in his bedroom. Like all days, it’s a good day. Mondays may be bad for everyone else, but this guy doesn’t have bad days.

Your name is GREG CARSTEN.

You keep your room spotless. Everything is straightened and ordered. Being a SMOOTH OPERATOR means being in control at all times. Books stay on the shelves in alphabetical order (first by genre, then by author, then by title). Movies stand on the film rack, ordered by likelihood of subsequent views (watching a film moves it to the bottom of list, where it will wait until it becomes fresh again).

Even the workbench is immaculate. As president of the robotics club, you have to keep a selection of MISCELLANEOUS MACHINERY on hand should you have an engineering epiphany. Your designs have led the club to victory in the last two regional Bot Battles. This year promises to be even better. Sitting atop your toolbox is the prototype for your magnum opus, SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS. She sports four pneumatic arms capable of lifting blocks (or flipping rival robots), two parallel treads capable of rotating and pivoting, and a spring-loaded foot beneath her chassis to keep her balance. A stroke of genius shaved a few pounds off last year’s model, letting her slip into the next weight class. All she needs is her face.

But there’s plenty of time for that later. It’s almost time to head to the bus.

Your Sylladex was loaded last night. SMOOTH OPERATORS are always prepared. They also use only the best Fetch Modus – the Linked List. Every element of a Linked List has knowledge of the element directly before and directly after it. This means that removing an object is instantaneous and simple; the object pops out, and its parent links back to its child. No fussy retrieval rules, no collision detection, no problems. It can’t be weaponized, but a SMOOTH OPERATOR fights with his Strife Specibus, not his Sylladex.

As you start down to the stairs and out to the bus stop, you pull out your phone. You’ve installed the latest mobile version of BadgerBud. It’s the perfect way to remind your enthralled ladyfriends who rules the roost.

Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is audaciousArchitect, and you type better than everyone else. Your grammar, spelling, and vocabulary are exquisite.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –

AA: Morning. EE: hi greg! EE: ready for the history test? AA: Aren’t I always? AA: Say. AA: Can I ask you something? EE: cant you always? AA: There’s a game I’d like to play with you tomorrow. EE: a game? AA: Yes. An online game. EE: ugh you boys and your games EE: cant you play with steve? AA: I could. But I’d rather play with you. EE: i really think you should play with him EE: you and him need to get along better AA: His envy of me is hardly my problem. AA: I ask again. Will you join me? EE: maybe EE: ask me again after class AA: I’ll do that.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering equineEngineer [EE] –

SMOOTH OPERATING as per usual. She’ll join you. She always does.