Literally sounds like perfect parenting 10/10, no notes.
Long ass ramble incoming:
My parents growing up never yelled at me or really even raised their voices unless I was gonna do something fuckass stupid, so I had that ig.
But I was never taught good stress management, never taught how to handle my mental health or thoughts and when shit got bad, they fucked it up more cause c u l t. They had good intentions, but just didn't know as much as they thought they did. Always put themselves on a pedestal, always said they're better than most parents, etc. I got my superiority complex from somewhere 🫠
When I was getting bullied and teased by guys that were on one of the school's sports team (and were much bigger than me) in middle school and came home crying, they didn't call the principal, didn't even tell me it's okay to fight back. It thankfully never got physical, but they'd lunge at me which made me flinch, called me names, etc. and I just took it. Even my counselor spouted the "maybe he bullies you because he likes you" mentality which like ???? Why would you tell that to a 6th grader???
I was also raised on the idea that anger is bad, that I should keep it in without an outlet, so now it feels like all my emotions are almost like, idk how to describe it. But anger is the one that typically sticks around longer than a couple minutes. There's a few things that make me excited for a few hours. But, like, being given a gift, the excitement wears out quick. Sadness never really sticks unless I'm having a breakdown, but that's more self hate than anything. Most of my emotions outside of specific circumstances are more shallow, like they're there intensely for a couple minutes max then just go away and I'm back to neutral. Day-to-day without those exceptions it's very, like, muted ig. Complete opposite of what they wanted cause anger's the one that sticks longest lmao
Idk, the way they handled things was almost right, but it still resulted in me completely distrusting them with my thoughts and feelings and with bigger things because of how they handled it previously. Cause yeah, didn't believe in mental health, so. Then I just had to pretend everything was okay 24/7 in front of them even when it really wasn't.
My parents always said I could tell them anything, but I always felt judged for most of my choices. Like the clothes I wore, classes I decided to take, my opinions that were the complete opposite of theirs, me sleeping in when I'm most active at night (also called lazy for sleeping in), making assumptions (that we're completely wrong), the fact that I like collecting figurines, etc. I felt judged for it all even if they never outwardly said anything, my mom always got this specific look or body language that conveyed it just fine. Took out chunks of my energy in later years istg.
I also had a lot of fear tactics used on me throughout my childhood that to this day still affect me and warped my mindset surrounding things like sex, drugs (even the ones for mental health and somehow anesthesia), medicine, foods, and more :/
Like straight up, it's so bad that I refuse to even eat one Dorito because of how ingrained it is in me to look at preservatives, ingredients, etc and fear putting it in my body. I'm trying to unlearn it, but man it's hard.
With corporal punishment/spanking it's like, if they're not old enough to understand reasoning, they're not old enough to know why you're hitting them. If they're old enough to understand reasoning, then fucking reason with them. I'm very passionate about being anti-corporal punishment.
Something I think people also get wrong a lot is that gentle parenting doesn't equal permissive parenting. Cause gentle parenting (though this is a abbreviated version) is explaining why something was wrong and giving a consequence that doesn't involve hitting your child. Permissive parenting is just letting your kid do whatever without consequence which yeah, that'll probably result in a spoiled brat and it's also super neglectful.
Personally, I don't want children, I feel like I'd fuck the child up too much unintentionally, plus I have misophonia, so baby crying can make me violent or angry which is not good. I need to get my shit together to even consider entertaining the idea. If I ever change my mind it'd be adoption for an older child (somewhere between 6-17) rather than biological. Though adoption is a whole new challenge in the way of parenting due to the high likelihood of past trauma and how fucked the system is. I know my limits thank god, I'm not bringing a child into my life when I'm just not in a mental or financial spot for it. But if I ever am, I'll be a damn good parent and pretty much have the exact same style as you've described.
Moral of the story: don't be like my parents and don't be an abusive asshole. Actually listening to your kid, letting them have an outlet, doing natural consequences as opposed to hitting, standing up for your child, etc. Just everything you said and described. The best thing my parents have done for me is teach me all about money and finance even from a young age I was taught using like little bits of money for how to budget so that I'm not financially fucking myself over. I do recommend that.
There shouldn't be any taboos when it comes to a child asking questions. A child is learning how to person from scratch, they want and need accurate answers. Like, with childhood sex ed, if a child asks where babies come from, you tell them the damn answer at an age appropriate level. Don't say it's "God's miracle" or spout bullshit. That always annoys me, like I hate when people refuse to answer a kid's genuine question with a genuine answer. You don't need to go in depth and all the nitty gritty. Just answer their questions matter-of-factly, if they have follow up, answer those, if they don't, then the conversation ends there.
Also teaching about red flags in relationships. Definitely talk about that. And online safety.
But yeah, parenting is hard, mistakes will be made, but it sounds like you got your shit together. Good on you for that. I wish my parents were more like how you described. You have a good grasp on it all, so if you ever do have kids, you'll definitely be a very good parent with Conag :)
Feel free to talk about parenting on anything I said. Last thing, I just wanna say, none of this was me trying to vent or anything, it was just what my parents did vs. how it affected me to kinda illustrate things not to do lol
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No I totally get it. My parents were a mess too. I hope to do better with my kids.
I want to teach them about life. About alcohol, about sex, about bodies. I never want to take a gamble on “they just won’t” / abstinence teaching which is PROVEN not to work. Kids will be kids and curiosity is natural. But I would rather you go into it armed with the knowledge needed to keep yourself safe.
I want to model healthy conflict to my kids. Teach them emotional regulation, emotion resilience and empathy or at least compassion and sympathy.
I’ll never let my kids be taught to be afraid of themselves or their voices. If someone says some shit, you use your voice and advocate. And if your advocacy fails, you come get me and I’ll advocate for you with the full privilege of adulthood and my parental rage behind me.
Now I’ll never teach my kids to start a fight for no good reason. But there are two reasons I will be teaching my kid to fight. In defence of yourself, and in defence of others. Don’t start the fight, but if some little shithead puts his hands on you, you beat that motherfucker and teach him what happens when he doesn’t listen to no. If someone who can’t or won’t defend themselves is getting pushed around, you put yourself between them and their bully. And again. Don’t start the fight. But if they decide to throw down you better give it all you’ve got.
I’ll always trust and respect my kid’s judgement. I’ll never try to override their autonomy unless it’s an emergency or their physical safety would be in danger. I’m a big proponent of the “fuck it, give it a shot” kind of parenting. You wanna try cooking for yourself without dad’s help? Alrighty, here’s kid safe cooking utensils, and I’ll stand right here in case you need me to do any of the bits that aren’t safe for you. But I’m gonna let you figure it out. You wanna dress yourself? Fuck it, why not. Call me if you need help with laces or something.
I think that allowing kids the space and autonomy to experiment, to try and most importantly, to fail, is incredibly important for development. Cause if you never let your kid try, they never pick up vital skills. If you never let your kid fail, they never learn to recover from it.
And I’m not talking “brush yourself off and try again” method. I’m talking “okay, that didn’t go so well, but we really tried huh? What do you think went wrong there? Why? How? Okay, and what do you think we could have done differently? And are you ready to try again or do you wanna try another time?”
That way you raise a kid who isn’t so paralysed by fear of failure that they never do anything.
