B-12 fanart alert!! But this one comes with a whole story to tell so buckle up. Perhaps a slight vent? Anyways, it's sharing an experience I had as a transgender individual - enjoy
Any Stray fan knows that one of the main goals in the game (although not obligatory) is helping B-12 rediscover his memories, therefore learning the story of humanity's decline, the city's purpose, and pretty much everything the game introduced. It's an interesting way to tell the story imo. However, it wasn't long after I finished the game that I started relating to B-12 for this.
Notice the colours in the background. Blue, pink and white shades aren't an accidental choice.
It was around the end of 2021 when I started my transition. I was starting high school at the same time. And not long into my transition did I realise - I don't remember much anymore. My memories of a life I had before high school are all so vague and distant, unfamiliar even. Looking back on those moments, they feel like I wasn't even truly there; it feels like I was merely watching a TV show from the perspective of one of the characters I couldn't relate to in any aspect. I can't remember any feelings I had in any moment, I can't remember myself saying anything, and if by chance I DO remember a moment from my past - it feels so... not mine. It feels so much like it belongs to someone else.
Given all the major changes brought by my transition, I figured my memory loss/altering was tied to it as well. And if I am to trust my psychologist, I was correct. It's a trauma response.
Not to say my transition was traumatic in a way most would immediately assume upon hearing that expression. In fact, it was quite a smooth ride and I don't believe I truly understood how lucky I was. But transitioning is still a major change in a person's life and, according to my psychologist, has the ability to cause memory loss. My guess is that the emotional detachment from my pre-transition self and everything happening around me at that time may have been a cause of this, but I'm no professional to say this with certainty. The difference is clear as day, however. 5 years into my transition now, and I can tell you about a whole bunch of emotional moments I've lived through and remembered as such in those years. Can't say the same for the years prior.
The inspiration for this artwork came from all the recent moments where someone mentioned or showed me something that triggered the return of one of those distant memories. A videogame I loved as a kid, a road we took every day to preschool, and such. It left me feeling like B-12 while rediscovering a lost memory, complete with a full pause in everything I was doing and thinking about in order to acknowledge the existence of this part of my lore which I'd forgotten.
That being said, I don't feel down about this whole thing. I feel as if this memory loss brought more good than harm to me, because if there is one thing I remember about my past is that I hated myself. Frankly, I don't miss knowing how that feels.
Besides. Ever wished you could watch a movie or play a game for the first time again? Thanks to my memory loss, I get to have my first encounter 2.0 with media I loved heheheh
This isn't exactly supposed to be a vent (though I'll tag it as such to be safe), I just wanted to share a part of my journey as a trans person which I was never told about nor considered. But it is quite likely, and some other people I asked could relate to this situation. Of course - memory loss isn't exclusively a transgender experience, and it is also not a universal transgender experience. I'm sharing this because I want to shine some light on a lesser acknowledged side effect of transitioning, and because I'm a fan of psychology and stuff like brain's response to major life changes is interesting to me. And who knows, maybe it could help someone? At least in realizing why they may relate to this experience?
Anyways. Thanks for reading :) Hope you enjoy the art as well, it's a continuation of my recent obsession anyway. Come feast, Stray nation, this one is mainly for you guys🤲
Bonus for those who came this far into the post :3 a slightly clearer view of the art above
In all seriousness Stray and Portal have very good chances of happening in the same universe in my book. I mean, post-apocalyptic "overgrown cyberpunk" futures, robots developing consciousness and taking the flag, weird mutant hostile creatures ? Yes please ? Who's stopping me. I want concerningly isolated disk operating system and mute human survivor interacting with weirdly intelligent cat and lost robot society okay.
Anyway you guys might have a surprise coming up on @it-takes-four. ...Who's stopping me on this, either.
