50 reasons your 20's actually suck (#sorrynotsorry) 1. Everyone tells you it's the best time of your life. With that sort of expectation, it can only go downhill from there. 2. Existential crises appear in ways and places you never knew were possible. 3. You don’t have a degree (at first). 4. You can’t do shit without a degree. 5. You discover worlds of possibility and are showered with exciting people and opportunities, but guess what – money. And you probably need a degree. 6. Your only source of the precious aforementioned money is still your parents. 7. You start to feel indebted to your parents. 8. Good luck with the decade-long process of fully leaving the familial nest without anyone getting hurt, affected or offended (including you). 9. Breakups, lost friendships. 10. You get told the world is your oyster but you’ve never even tried oysters because they’re expensive and you’re broke. 11. Everyone is thinking about starting a startup. 12. Friends start getting married. 13. You hate that damn degree. 14. Friends start having babies. 15. You hate your student jobs (yes, plural). 16. You can’t keep up with your maths lecture anymore because you’re working too much. 17. You can’t afford a maths tutor because you’re not working enough. 18. Existential break-downs. You don’t want to die one day. 19. You have an inexplicable urge to travel the far corners of the Earth on your own with expensive clothes and a shiny Instagram-capable smartphone because nothing bad has ever happened to you anyway and experiences are totally worth more than, I don’t know, a sensible long-term investment? Ahh, but you NEED. To SEE. VIETNAM!! AUSTRALIA! Nigeria! The South American Cartels!!! 20. Why is Trump constantly in the news. 21. Family and friends start casually introducing you to marital prospects whom you’re 0% attracted to. 22. Uni would be so great if it didn’t involve studying… 23. Friends’ startups start to fail. 24. Dating just got real. 25. Nights are spent with coffee, mornings napping on lecture hall fold-out tables and weekends with a hangover – you discover the sublime beauty of peaceful mid-week lunchtimes with an introvert friend. 26. Can you afford to get a cat? 27. Still can’t decide if you want children. 28. Omg you’re having so much sex. Is this dangerous? Are you chemically imbalanced? Are you a bad person? Fuck. It’s even changed your vocabulary and brain. You’re a slut. Wait, is that a bad thing? What are good and evil? Is there a God? 29. You’re addicted to technology. It’s getting clinical. 30. What is gender. Let me tumblr that. 31. You finally get a degree and realise you need a Masters. 32. Failed an entry-level job interview because you don’t have work experience. Because logic. 33. You’re still waiting for your letter from Hogwarts. 34. Cycling to the new uni/job is still not toning your legs and butt, it just gets you there sweaty and pissed off. 35. You graduate (again) but the world just changed (again, thanks Moore) and the job you’ve spent 5 years preparing for has been replaced by A.I. Or even worse – a mere App. 36. You discover bootcamps, evening schools, online academies and the joys of working just for the money and the salvation of your over-qualified ass’s dignity. 37. Oh… wait for it… life crisis. Also, at least one of your remaining grandparents has probably died. 38. You start a vlog and now even strangers on the Internet get to judge your face and feelings. 39. Your parents want to know when you’re going to get married. 40. Friends continue to pop out babies. 41. You’re STILL being told that the world is your oyster and it’s STILL not legal to punch them in the face. Neither is weed. 42. What is life? 43. You spend a night researching, say, medical schools in obscure countries of the EU, even if you studied, say, arts in the UK and #languages #brexit. 44. More breakups, still can’t find “the one.” (ProTip: There is no The One. You get to choose your Neo/Trinity. You’re welcome.) 45. Trump is still in the news. 46. Maybe you need a PhD… Maybe that’s what it is. 47. Your letter from Hogwarts arrives!!! Just kidding, you just dozed off at your last remaining student job. 48. Oh shit, you’re fired. 49. You gather all your inner strength and after many yoga classes, one-night-stands, expensive certifications, unnecessary travels, drunken talks with friends, overthought resumés and Eminem karaoke sessions you meet a cutie who becomes a spouse and a contact that becomes a full-time job. You can start blinking again now, get yourself a spacious and “modern” (euphemism) suburb house and win at life. 50. Oh wow, you’re 30. Whew… just in time.
Ian Kingfisher (medium)