#bad horoscopes

[missfortunetherogue]

My time blindness strikes again, January is already nearly over and I just realized I have had this absolute gem of a 2026 calendar waiting in the wings for the new year! Can’t wait to see what terrible advice Miss Fortune imparts all year.

Don’t worry this won’t become a regular thing I spam you all with, but here’s my fave from the days I missed this month:

[psychiczombiedisaster]

Today you will be crushed by a giant waffle

[ladyoftheshrimp]

Horoscopes according to Percival Graves

Aries:Aries? More like airheads. You report had better not be late again.

Taurus: Your excuse is a byproduct of your star sign. Utter bull.

Gemini: This headache is about to get a twin if I have to read another of your typo ridden write-ups.

Cancer: You are a saint to deal with such idiotic subordinates. Keep up the good fight.

Leo: Stop being greedy. Don’t take the lion’s share of the baked good.

Virgo: The sign of the pure? Looking at you it’s pure crap and nothing more.

Libra: A balanced life is not a cake in each hand. Get down to training.

Scorpio: A good sign. Shame you’re tainting it, judging by your personality  you should have been born a little later.

Sagittarius: Meetings with you make me want to stab myself in the eye with an arrow.

Capricorn: You idiot, take this assignment and ram it up your...

Aquarius: I could drown in your presence. No. Seriously. Please kill me now.

Pisces: I won’t tell you you did a good job if you haven’t. Stop fishing for compliment, it’s not attractive.

[psychiczombiedisaster]

Beware! There are still furbies in this world... and they do not forget

[psychiczombiedisaster]

There is a 90% chance that the duolingo owl is stalking you right now

[psychiczombiedisaster]

There is an eggplant that has your name written inside it with its seeds. You should find it before the fae do

[psychiczombiedisaster]

Order coffee before 9am or the cloud monster may find you

[psychiczombiedisaster]

Signs of a werewolf: does not even lift