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Mar 22

Paper Sky 1 Chapter 1-9

Genre:

YA・mystery・psychological・romance・coming of age

Blurb:

Disguising herself as a boy at an elite all-boys' school wasn't exactly on seventeen-year-old Jamie Ramos's bingo card, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Hired as a butler for the heir of an influential family, she soon finds herself caught in the Perez family's web of dark secrets and dangerous lies. And the deeper she gets involved, the more she realizes there's no turning back.

Chapter 1: To Be Questioned

Jamie

SOMETHING liquid has been dripping on the floor.

Plok. Plok. Plok.

I decided to ignore it and face the mirror to look at my naked self. What a distorted image of reality, I thought.

Plok. Plok. Plok.

I hissed. And a minute later, it stopped. I ran my fingers on my stained right hand and rubbed the texture in my hand. Feeling satisfied, I smiled at my mirror self.

Sino ka?

That voice again.

I put my head in my hands—as if doing so could make it disappear. Then the pain started and I wondered when this would end—this throbbing pain I always felt whenever I hear that voice inside my head.

Nakita ko nu'ng nilagyan mo ng kung ano ang pagkain ni Ysa kaya hindi siya nakapag-exam nu'ng Finals na naging dahilan kung bakit lumaki ang lamang mo sa kanya sa class standing.

"Argh! Tama na!" sigaw ko. I felt a slight ease the moment I shouted.

I've heard from someone na kaya ka nananalo sa mga beauty contest ay dahil binabayaran mo ang judges beforehand.

"Tama na, tama na, tama na!!"

May nakapagsabi rin sa 'kin na nakita ka niyang bina-backstab ang isa nating teacher matapos ka niyang bigyan ng 96 sa card nu'ng third grading. Nakita ko rin nu'ng lihim mong tinulak 'yung babaeng nanggitgit sa 'yo sa tren tapos nu'ng nauntog siya, tinawanan mo pa.

Lalong sumakit ang ulo ko. I felt as if it's gonna break any time soon. I pressed my hands on my head harder, wanting it to stop but the pain just escalate each and every time.

'Perfect woman' your face!

I heard a series of laugher—mocking me.

You're nothing but a fragmented piece of a beautifully crafted lie.

Then a pair of bewitching eyes with a demonic grin appeared.

Sa apat na taon nating magkaibigan, tinuring mo ba talaga akong kaibigan o ginamit mo lang ako? Sa lahat ng pinakita mo sa 'king parte ng pagkatao mo, alin ang totoo?

Sino ang totoong ikaw, Jamie?

"TAMA NA SABI EH!"

Bumangon ako bigla at naghabol ng hininga. I embraced myself as my body trembled. I looked in the mirror and saw the cold sweats dripping on my forehead. I heaved a sigh.

Nightmare.

I really should thank that bitch for giving me this kind of shit. 'Nak ng tokwa. Hindi niya na 'ko pinatahimik. At first, I find it ridiculous. Why is she questioning who I am?

Una sa lahat, bestfriend ko lang siya. Pangalawa, it's not her f*cking business. I am who I am. I do what I want to do. Period.

Yes, I've constructed my life according to my late mom's last wish. I've done everything to get the 'perfect woman' label that she wanted for me. Ginawa kong panghambuhay na pangarap ang makamit 'yon.

What's wrong with it?

Everyone has dreams and so do I. Nagkataon lang na medyo weird ang akin kumpara sa iba. Oh well, I'm not weird... I'm limited edition. The best version of myself.

And I don't give a damn about people who questions my identity.

I showed my pearly whites at my mirror self and said, "I won't be thinking about Erika's question again. Because it's plain stupid and doesn't deserve to be answered."

Feeling convinced, I stood up, stretched a little and prepared myself a healthy breakfast.

'Cause starting today, I'm all on my own.

WHILE walking on the street, tired of finding a part time job to support my college education, something grabbed my attention. A man in tuxedo was hiding in the bushes. Napangiti ako. Baka may shooting ng pelikula rito. Cool.

Tatalikod pa lang sana ako para umupo sa bench malapit doon nang biglang may isang papel na tumakip sa mukha ko. Dala siguro ng hangin pasilangan. Agad ko 'yung inalis sa mukha ko at tinignan. Isang pahina mula sa pinunit na papel with hand-written words on it.

In the midst of the pouring rain,

I came out of the street and look up at the sky

But it's never pretty and just gave me pain

It's fake and never ending—a blatant lie.

Napangiti ako sa tulang 'yon. It's deep but awesome. I like sad pieces of literature because they bring us closer to reality that we always want to deny.

Maya-maya, umihip na naman ang pasaway na hangin, dahilan para makawala sa kamay ko yung papel. I tried to run and reach for it and because of that, hindi ko namalayan ang nasa paligid ko.

Ayun. Nadala ako. Ramdam kong napatid ako. And I swear I will curse whoev—

I opened my eyes and noticed that my hand already held the paper. I smiled in relief. Wait. I felt like something's wrong. Bakit parang di ako nasaktan kahit nadapa ako? I shoot a glance on my sorrounding and—

Whoa! Bigla akong napatayo sa gulat nang malaman kong nadapa ako at napaibabaw sa isang lalaki!

Gulp. Jamie, 'yung totoo? Kelan ka pa naging tanga? I always thought you're a smarty ass then why'd— I temporarily shut up my noisy thoughts as I observed the guy. Natutulog siya? Sa damuhan sa parke na malapit sa street na laging matao? Seriously?

Seconds later, I saw his eyes lit up. I bent my knees and stared at him, pretending to be worried (because of the incident). Hinawakan ko pa ang kamay niya at kinunot ang noo para mas lalong mapakita ang sincerity ko. Then I asked, "Ayos ka lang ba?" I hope ayos lang siya. Lord, please, sana ayos lang siya. I don't have freaking money to take him to the hospital if in case he wasn't. "M-may masakit ba sa 'yo?" I asked in a trembing voice. "Sorry ha, nadapa kasi ako at—"

"AAAAAH!!"

I was taken aback by his scream. And the look on his face, my gahd! It's like his telling me that I scared the hell out of him. Well, same here!

Binawi niya ang kanyang kamay at nagmamadaling tumayo at lumayo sa 'kin. He acted too quickly. Namalayan ko na lang around three meters na ata ang layo niya sa 'kin.

Grabe. Nakaka-offend ha. Biruin mo, hinawakan ko lang yung kamay niya, nag-freak out na siya nang gano'n? Anyway, tinago ko na lang ang inis ko sa kanya at nagpanggap na affected pa rin sa nangyari.

"Sorry talag—"

"You woman! Don't ever come near me!!" he shouted while taking a few more steps back. Tinignan niya 'ko nang may magkahalong galit at pandidiri.

I want to roll my eyes in response but I just displayed my faux innocence. Napansin ko na hinawakan niya nang isa-isa ang mga braso niya at sinuri itong maigi. I was like... are you kidding me? Mukha bang may ginawa akong masaya sa 'yo, ha? I just tripped on you, that's all!

Then he glared at me. His squinting eyes rendered me speechless. Yung totoo kuya, anong problema mo sa 'kin?!

"L-lumayo ka nga sa bag ko!" he stammered yet his voice was dripping with disgust. Then I noticed that he was trembing with fear. His whole being's a bunch of contradiction. Galit ka ba o takot? Which is which?

Wait. Oo, may karapatan siyang magalit kasi bukod sa inistorbo ko ang tulog niya, hindi ako feather weight so syempre, nasaktan siya sa bigat ko. Pero bakit naman siya matatakot sa 'kin? I don't have an ugly or a scary face. I don't remember raising an eyebrow at him. Ni hindi ko nga siya tinaasan ng boses eh. I remained the perfect woman that I am in front of him tapos gano'n? Nasaan ang hustisya?

I searched for his bag and I found it a few centimeters away from my feet. Kinuha ko 'yun at nang akma ko ng ibibigay sa kanya, tinabig niya mula sa kamay ko ang bag niya. What the f—

Parang sinigurado niya talaga na hindi niya mahahawakan ang kamay ko kaya 'yung bag ang mismong tinabig niya. As it fell on the ground, he immediately took it and went to his spot with an approximate distance of three meters away from me. Napansin kong natataranta pa rin siya nang may kunin siya sa bag niya. My jaw literally dropped nang makita ko kung ano ang nilabas niya.

Alcohol?! Anong gagawin niya sa—

Ini-spray-an niya ng alcohol ang kanyang bag at halos paliguan ang sarili gamit 'yon. Tila diring-diri sa katawan at kulang na lang e mag-hysterical mode siya sa nangyari. And that was just because I touched his hand.

This is too much. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam nang gan'tong insult in my entire life. This is more insulting than Erika's question

A-ano bang tingin niya sa 'kin? Madumi? Gusgusin?

Tumingin ako sa sarili ko. Just to make sure. I wear fashionable clothes even though I recently lost my father. Hindi ako mukhang mahirap tignan at araw-araw akong naliligo at nagpapalit. My gahd! Wala ni isa mang bakas na madumi ako. Well, liban na lang sa ilang pirasong maliliit na dahon na nakakapit sa palda ko na hindi ko pa napapagpag.

See? There's no acceptable reason for his insolence!

Tapos ayan na naman 'yung matalim na titig niya sa 'kin. I don't remember meeting him before so why does he hate me this much?

He closed his fist and raised it.

Napalunok ako. A-anong plano niya? Suntukin ako? That's violence! You don't randomly pick an innocent girl and punch her face, jerk!

"I-if you don't want to get killed..." He paused and cleared his throat. His begrudging eyes were still on me. "..don't come near me again. Y-you bitch!"

At kumaripas siya ng takbo, like a dog wagging his tail in between his legs. Napatulala lang ako sa nangyari. Ito ang unang beses na kinamuhian ako ng isang ng isang lalaki—in the most weird and questionable way.

AFTER wearing comfy clothes, I decided to watch a movie before going to sleep. I chose a random title from an online streaming site and clicked for "How To Become Myself". Nainis ako sa title, it reminded me of Erika. I was about to hit the red button pero nu'ng mag-monologue 'yung bida, I found myself glued on the screen.

Back then... I was afraid of the arrival of tomorrow. If I wasn't myself, If I was her... would there have been a different tomorrow for me?

I paused the movie and went to the pantry to get a glass of milk. Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. The stars were scattered in the midnight blue sky. Napangiti ako ng napakagandang view na 'yon. But as I looked down at the glass I'm holding, I began to digest that question.

If I am not myself, if I am actually someone else, who am I?

Sino ang totoong ikaw, Jamie?

That voice again. I felt a familiar throbbing pain in my head. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko, dahilan para mabasag ang basong hawak ko. I heard as it break itself as well as the silence that lingers in my room.

Sino ka? Sino ka? Sino ka?

It went on and on and on.

Tumakbo ako sa kama ko, my hands still pressing my head. Nagtalukbong ako ng kumot at sumigaw nang sumigaw. Casting that voice away. Pero hindi ito nawala. Sinubukan kong mag-resume sa panonood ng pelikulang 'yon, nagbabakasakaling mare-relax no'n ang isip ko... pero katulad ng dati, lalo lang tumindi ang sakit. I watched my reflection on the laptop screen. I see myself suffering pero... wala akong magawa. I don't know how I could sto—

A decision popped out of my head. I need to find the answer to Erika's question. I need to find the me that I don't know. The me that she claims to know. The me that's been hiding beneath the layers of my not-so-mes. Bigla, may nag-pop up sa monitor ng laptop ko. I looked at it closely.

Work with us and you'll find what you're looking for.

An advertisement, huh? Okay, let's do this.

Chapter 2: To Be Hired

Jamie

GAHD, a mansion?! Seryoso ba 'tong Google map na ito ang lugar na hinahanap ko?

Tumingala ako sa grandiosong European style na iron grills ng mansion na iyon (dahil na rin sa hindi abot ng field of version ko, kahit mag-5 inch heel pa 'ko, ang itsura ng mismong mansion kapag sa gate ako tumingin. Gigantic lang naman ang gate nila, tipong tatlong pinagpatong na ako. Ganu'n) pero wala akong makitang tao, maski guard wala. Sinubukan kong mag-door bell, kumatok at mag-open sesame pero di bumukas ang malaking gate na 'yon. In short, nagmukha na 'kong tanga, wala pang pumansin sa 'kin.

Naglakad ako sa palibot ng malaking bahay habang sumisilip-silip sa matangkad at malapad na wrought iron gates na nagsilbing wall na pagitan ng bahay sa outside world (seriously, sana naka-grills na lang ang gate para see-through!) Who knows? I might find a secret door to get in—

Wait. I came here as an applicant. So bakit ko kailangang maghanap ng secret passage? Ugh. I rolled my eyes in exasperation. Nasasayang ang light make up ko sa pagbababad sa tirik na tirik na araw. Could somebody notice I am outside? I need to get in or else—matutupok ng araw ang ganda ko! Buti sana kung hindi ko in-inform ang kung sino mang naglagay ng advertisement na 'yon na pupunta 'ko rito. Buti sana kung walk-in applicant ako. E hindi eh! It's was him (or her) who told me to go here in this freaking hot hour!

Argh. Gusto ko nang magwala! Pa'no 'ko matatanggap kung amoy-araw na 'ko at hindi na presentable ang itsura ko? Sige nga? Nasaan ang hustis—

"Um... miss?" A guy in his 50's wearing what I presumed a uniform made for security guards. His hand was on my shoulder and I almost freaked out by his sudden appearance.

"Are you this mansion's guard?" I asked, just to make sure. He nodded in response. Ibubuka ko na sana ang bibig ko para pagalitan siya dahil kung anu-ano nang ginawa ko sa harap ng gate nila pero hindi niya 'ko pinansin nang bigla siyang magtanong ng, "Kayo po ba 'yung applicant na binanggit ni Milady?"

"Milady...?" I drawled. Teka, nobody told me that this novel has some time-travel theme! Duh, 21st century na may gumagamit pa ng 'Milady'? Is this some kind of parody o seryoso 'tong guard na 'to na isang 'noble' nga ang amo niya? O merong tao sa earth na 'Milady' ang pangalan? I almost laugh at the idea. I mean—

"This way po," he said, effectively cutting my string of thoughts ko. Lumapit kami sa dambuhalang gate. Tinignan ko lang siya, naghihintay kung pa'no niya 'yon bubuksan.

Napangiwi ako nang idikit niya ang mukha sa mismong gitna ng gate. Yung totoo manong, anong klase ng saltik meron ka?

Nilapitan ko siya para sana gisingin siya sa katotohanang hindi 'yon bubukas kung simpleng ididik—

My jaw could have hit the ground out of surprise. May maliit pala na eye detector 'yung gate at may parang laser na red light na sumuri ng kanan niyang mata. Seconds later, bumukas ang pinto. Holy crap. Akala ko sa mga movies lang may gano'ng klaseng technology 'yun pala, existing na ito ngayon?!

Pinapasok ako ni Kuya Guard sa loob nang nakangiti. Napa-awang na naman ang bunganga ko nang makita ko na ang exterior ng mansion. Sobrang awesome lang. Kala mo picture na ginupit sa magazine. Tapos may garden pa sa paligid at ang lawak-lawak. May fountain pa ata du'n sa gawing kanan. Nakakaloka. Ito 'yung tipo ng bahay na pwedeng tirhan ng mga prinsipe at prinsesa nu'ng sinaunang panahon e. Baka naman nag-time travel nga ako? Baka—

"Miss, sa Strange Hall po ang interview n'yo. Maiwan ko na po kayo at malapit nang magsimula ang Meteor Garden. Balik na po ako sa post ko." Nagmamadali siyang bumalik sa gilid ng gate. Oo nga, may spot pala siya do'n at may TV nga, LED pa! Kaya pala di ako naririnig kanina, busy sa pagiging couch potato ang bwiset na 'to. At Meteor Garden pa talaga, ha? Nag-backfire ang theory kong time travel escapade ito dahil ngayon ang start ng airing no'n. Oh well, what should I expect? This is reality, after all. You cannot really go back in time unless you reminisce and play it all back inside your head.

I let out a sigh and mentally take note the name of the place set for my interview. Papasok na sana ako sa mansion nang tawagin ang atensyon ko ng isang cute na dilaw na paru-paro. At parang isang bata, hinabol ko 'yon habang lumilipad ito patungo sa garden ata ng mansion. Nang maabutan ko siya, tumingin ako sa paligid. Shit. Napalayo na 'ko sa main entrance. Di ko na makita si Potato Guard (bansag ko sa kanya for reasons you already know). I started to feel uneasy. Pa'no kung maligaw ako sa mansion na 'to? Matandain ako sa lugar pero pa'no ko matatandaan ang isang lugar na ngayon ko pa lang napuntahan? I looked at the surrounding. Nabawasan ang tension na nararamdaman ko.

It was like seeing a glimpse of paradise on earth. There were, like, 50 kinds of flowers scattered in this garden and all of them are so beautiful. No wonder that little butterfly wanted to be here. Lumapit ako sa isang kulay pulang bulaklak at inamoy iyon. Ang bango. I wonder what it's called.

Naglakad-lakad pa ako at nagbigay ng ample time sa sarili ko na ma-appreciate ang bawat isa sa mga bulaklak na iyon. I never actually had the time to admire the wonders of nature before. I was busy building up the image that I want to have that I totally forgot how to grasp their fleeting beauty. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam. Waah. I will never forget being lost in here and—

Lost?

Did I mention that I was... lost? Halaaaa! I totally forgot! Nawawala nga pala ako at may interview akong dapat puntahan. I nervously looked around. No signs of the mansion's exterior. Oh no! Strange hall, nasaan ka ba?

Tumingin ako sa wrist watch ko, one hour na akong late dahil kay Potato Guard at sa mga lecheng bulaklak na 'to! Aish. 'Pag minamalas ka nga naman oo!

Sinubukan kong maglakad papunta sa lugar kung saan ako galing. If I remembered it right... sa west ako nagmula so dapat—

Natigilan ako nang makakita ng lalaking nakatalikod. He seemed to find something. Napangiti ako. Thank God there's someone here! Lumapit agad ako at tinapik siya.

"Y-you see..." I started fidgeting my skirt for some reason. "I was... lost. A-alam mo ba kung nasaan ang Strange Hall? I was told to—"

"How would I know, idiot?!" I was about to retort when he— "W-whoa! Woman!!" Agad lumayo sa 'kin ang lalaki, a sense of recognition was on his face. His hand's pointing at me like someone who just found the criminal in a murder case. "B-bakit ka nandito, ha?"

"Whoa!" Napaturo rin ako sa kanya. "I-ikaw 'yung kahapon! 'Yung walang hiyang tumawag sa 'kin ng bitch at kung pandirihan ako, akala mo kung sino!" Crap. Hindi ko nakontrol ang dila ko. Pa'no kasi, ang balahura ng bunganga ng lalaking 'to! Ang sarap supalpalan. I've never met someone as sexist as him!

"I said why are you here? Don't you know that filthy women like you are prohibited to go here?!"

I folded my arms and arched a brow on him. "Stop being so rude and—" He rolled his eyes and closed his fist. Again. Then he chose to ignore me and started to walk away.

And apologize to me, you bastard!

'Wait!" I said, my voice one pitch higher than the usual.

Lumingon siya at sinamaan ako ng tingin. "Listen," he gritted his teeth and tried his best to control his anger, "I will overlook that fact na nag-tresspass ka sa property namin. J-just go out", he pointed his finger somewhere, "and never come back."

Tumingin ako sa direksyon na tinuro niya, thinking that it was the way out pero I was disappointed na parte lang din 'yon ng garden. Akala ko ba nakatira siya rito e bakit maski siya... hindi niya alam ang labasan?

I gave him a pointed look and said, "Sure, that is... if you can bring me to the exit." Then I smiled cutely and winked at him. Parang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig ang mukha niya. He gulped and looked away. Frustration was all over his face as he started to bit his lip. Do'n ko lang napansin ang features niya.

He has a sun-kissed skin and a pair of intimidating chinito eyes. His dark hair glows golden brown under the summer sky. Sakto lang sa kapal ang kilay niya at may matangos na ilong. My eyes targeted his lips... which were...

I gulped and looked away. Let's not talk about his lips. It's killing my brain.

He forced a laugh and gave me a quick look before turning away again. "Bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon? H-hah! Sinuswerte ka naman! Use your head and stop bothering me!" Naglakad na siya sa opposite direction. "Tch." Nilingon niya ulit ako at tiningnan mula ulo hanggang paa. "Such an ugly sight." Tapos tuluyan na siyang umalis.

A-ang kapaaaal talaga! Ugly? Ako?! Bulag ba siya?

"Tch. 'Such an ugly sight' mo mukha mo!" Nag-belat ako sa kanya kahit wala na siya sa paningin ko saka 'ko naglakad sa kabila, with my head held up high. Kala niya siguro, paaapekto ako 'no? Che! I can find that place no matter what! Sino ba kasing nag-udyok sa 'kin na humingi ng tulong sa siraulong 'yon? Aish!

And I stopped... and found myself lost again. This time, alam kong hindi na 'to part ng garden pero wala pa rin akong makitang signs ng kahit kapirasong parte man lang ng mansion! Strange Hall, where art thou? Huhubels, magpakita ka na sa 'kin! 'Numpetsa na!

After mapagod maglupasay, naglakad ulit ako. Tumingin ako sa langit. Hindi na masyadong maiinit ang sikat ng araw. Haay. Buti naman. Sana makita ko na ang hinahanap ko para mas lalong mabut—

Finally! Written in a metallic sign board is the name 'STRANGE HALL'. Naghagdan ako at lumapit sa pintuan na katabi ng sign board na iyon. I gently knocked three times. Someone said, "come in" kaya tuluyan na akong pumasok.

Nabigla ang katawan kong ilang oras nang babad sa araw sa lamig ng paligid dulot ng aircon. Nilibot ko ang mga mata ko, napakalawak ng hall na iyon at napakaraming antique painting ang nakasabit sa mga pader. May nakita akong isang lalaki na nasa 20's ang edad at nakasuot ng damit pang-butler. Lumapit siya sa 'kin at nag-bow. Na-overwhelm ako sa paggalang na ipinakita niya sa 'kin kaya pati ako ay napa-bow sa kanya.

"We've been waiting for you, Mademoiselle," kalmado niyang sabi sabay slight bow ulit habang nakalagay ang kanang kamay niya sa dibdib at ang isa naman ay nakaturo sa isang kwarto sa gawing kaliwa ng hall. "This way please."

Sinundan ko siya patungo sa lugar na tinuro niya kanina. Then he opened the door and gave me a nod—a signal for me to go inside. Napa-slight nod ako in response saka pumasok sa loob. I watched him closed the door. Walang ingay iyon. Tila kalkulado at pinung-pino ang lahat ng kanyang galaw. Nakakamangha tuloy. Lahat ba ng butler, gano'n?

Napatingin ako sa interior ng silid. European din ito at classy ang set up. Mix of beige, white, at iba't-ibang shades ng brown. Napansin ko rin ang mga mamahaling chandelier sa itaas at mga antigong gamit sa paligid na sigurado akong collector's item. Mas nakamamangha ang bawat detalye ng silid na iyon kumpara sa exterior ng kabuuan ng mansion na nagpabilib sa 'kin kanina.

"Is that her?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita. Isang napakagandang babae ang nakaupo sa isang one seater white sofa. Nakasuot ito ng isang simple ngunit glamurosang baby blue dress. Kulay dark brown ang kanyang straight full bangs at kulot naman ang kanyang may katamtamang haba ng buhok. With a white complexion, big innocent eyes, pointy nose, full lips and a body of a model, literal na nakaka-nganga ang kanyang kagandahan. She has an air of importance—like a princess from a royal family. Ang kilos at galaw niya ay pino ngunit tila natural. Don't tell me siya ang 'Milady' na tinutukoy ni Potato Guard? So she's really like a character in a classic book? Sa isang iglap, hindi ko na maalis ang kumikinang kong mga mata sa kanya. She's perfect in every way. The epitome of my dream.

"Yes, Young Lady," the butler beside me answered with full respect. Nginitian ako ng babaeng iyon. Pati ngiti niya, ang ganda! Nakakatunaw! Bakit may nilikha ang Diyos na kasing ganda niya? Unfair! Kahit di siya mag-effort, perfect na perfect na siya!

"Jamie Ramos, right?" tanong nito.

Agad akong tumango. Her smiled widened. "Have a seat." In-assist ako ni kuya butler sa isang one seater sofa katapat ng kanya. Naupo nga ako gaya ng sinabi niya. Lalo ko tuloy siyang natitigan nang malapitan at ang masasabi ko lang—uwian na! Chos!

"Anyway, I'm Sherry. It's nice to finally see you." Nagulat ako nang siya mismo ang kumuha ng kamay ko at nakipag-shake hands sa 'kin. It's as if she's pleased by my mere existence. Saka... 'finally'? Kilala niya na ba ako dati pa? I merely shrugged at the thought. Baka siya ang kapalitan ko ng email about this job kaya niya nasabi 'yon.

"Ah—I forgot to mention. It's actually... Sherry Perez, the current president of the Perez Group of Companies." Aaah. So that's why she can afford to live in a luxurious mansion like this. Face falm. Bakit hindi ko naisip na hindi lang naman nobles ang pwedeng may gan'to? Pwede ring mga business tycoons gaya niya.

I awkwardly nodded and smiled. "N-nice to meet you po." I slightly bowed my head. Bad trip lang kasi medyo sumabit ang boses ko. I stammered, my gahd!

Geez. Nakakakaba naman kasi eh! This is the first time I met someone as important as her. Who would've thought na mismong may ari ng isa sa may pinakamalaki at makinang na pangalan sa mundo ng business sa Pilipinas ang mag-i-interview sa 'kin? Kung bakit kasi hindi ako masyadong nagtititingin sa mga business section ng mga broadsheet kaya di ko alam na siya 'yon eh! Eh di sana hindi ako pahiya mode na bukod sa late at naligaw na, amoy araw pa nang humarap sa kanya!

Nang itaas ko ang aking ulo, napansin kong tumawa siya nang bahagya. A ladylike laugh. Mahinhin at ando'n pa rin yung finesse. OMG. Siya na! Siya na talaga ang idol ko!

"You don't have to be so nervous," casual niyang sabi. "Anyway, Sebastian?"

Sebastian? Sebastian ang pangalan ng butler niya? Wow. Madalas kong ma-encounter ang pangalang iyon sa mga lumang librong nabasa ko pero hindi ko inakala na makakakita ako, personally ng isang butler na ang pangalan ay Sebastian!

"Yes, Young Lady?" Lumapit sa 'min si Sebastian at humarap kay Ms. Sherry.

"You may already leave us," tipid niyang sagot saka siya tumingin sa 'kin at ngumiti. "I'll be starting the interview in a few minutes."

"I understood, Young Lady." Pagkatapos nu'n ay nagpaalam na si Sebastian at umalis.

I shoot her with a shy smile and handed her my resume. Napansin ko kung gaano kaganda ang kamay niya at kung gaano ka-smooth ng buhok niya. I couldn't help but run an insecure hand over my excess hair and tucked it behind my ears. I breathed and shook my anxiousness away.

"So, Ms. Jamie Ramos, can you tell me something about yourself?"

Shit, shit, shit. I totally forgot that these kinds of questions exist! Hindi ko 'to napaghandaan!

"Uh... um... I—I'm a..." Crap, umayos ka, Jamie! Wag mong ipahiya ang school na pinaggalingan mo! Valedictorian ka pa man ding naturingan! I showed her my pearly whites and continued, "I'm trust-worthy..."

Really, Jamie?

That voice again! Wag ngayon, please!

"..hard working."

Kaya pala kumopya ka ng assignment sa 'kin minsan...

Darn! Stop it! I'm in a important interview!

"...and honest."

Liar. Liar. Liar!

Sabi nang tahimik eh!!

"A-are you okay, Jamie?" Ms. Sherry asked, her eyebrows knitted with worry. She must have seen the troubled look on my face. I blinked at her and smiled.

"A-ayos lang po ako." Then I laughed a little. "Sorry, I was just a li'l nervous. T-that's all."

Mukhang nakahinga siya sa sinabi ko. "Just relax." She giggled. "I don't bite." I just beamed at her in response. "Anyway, that's impressive." Whew. That's one hell of a question, really. Talagang sinusukat nito ang hangganan ng kaalaman mo sa pagkatao mo. B-buti na lang, may naisagot ako.

"How about your family? Can you describe them for me?"

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya. Naramdaman ko ang biglang paglamig ng aircon sa paligid. She threw me a questioning look. I looked away.

"Is there something wrong with your family?"

Yumuko ako at malungkot na nagpaliwanag, "I was nine when my mom died and... a few days after my high school graduation, my dad followed."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." There's sympathy in her eyes. "So... the reason why you are here is...?"

Tumango ako. "I need to have a job to support my college education."

"I see. Then, do your best in this interview." She squeezed my hand and gave me an understanding look. It melted my heart. Napakabait niya. "Hmm... may I ask if you have any experience in cooking?"

I nodded. I cook my own food. Matatawag rin namang experience 'yun, di ba?

"Do you have a skill or a hobby related to music or arts?"

Nag-isip ako pero walang lumabas mula sa utak ko. Maingat akong umiling. "W-wala po eh. Pero mahilig akong makinig ng mga kanta at manuod ng movies."

She chuckled. "That's fine. Are you willing to learn how to drive?" Agad akong um-oo. "Good. I assume you know how to do household chores, am I correct?"

"Umm... yes." Teka nga, hindi kaya all-around yaya ang kanyang hinahanap? Bakit gano'n ang mga tanong niya? Geez. Saka pwede niya namang ipautos na lang sa mga tauhan niya ang paghahanap ng maid. Why waste money for advertising expense? Saka nag-effort pa talaga siya at naglaan ng time para inteview-hin ako personally. Weird. Ah basta! 'Pag talagang pang-maid 'to, mag-no-no ako! Tch. Ano siya, sinuswerte? Hindi ako naghirap sa pag-aaral para lang maging isang maid. Hmp!

A few more questions about school activities I participated and viola! Nagiging at ease na ko sa pagsagot sa kanya. Kaso bigla ba naman akong tanungin ng, "Why should I hire you?"

Gahd! How should I answer that? Huhubels! Akala ko ba tapos na tayo sa mga tricky questions?!

"Um... b-because I believe that I deserve to be hired." After kong sabihin 'yon, napapikit ako. I'm so afraid to see her reaction! Waah. Sana okay lang ang sagot ko. Sana okay lang an—

Narinig kong tumawa siya nang bahagya. Wag mong sabihing pinagtatawanan niya ko? Tokwa! Ayawan na 'pag gano'n!

Napaangat ako ng mukha at napadilat ng mata. Laking gulat ko nang nakangiti siya sa 'kin. She looked really satisfied with my answer. "Well, so far... I'm impressed. Haha. Okay, this will be my last question, Jamie so please listen carefully..." Yes, last question na! "In relation to our ad, what's the thing that you are looking for?"

Bumagsak ang balikat ko. This. This question... how should I answer it? Wouldn't it be weird to tell her that I'm looking for myself? I'm sure magugulat siya at ire-reject ang application ko. She doesn't need a person who can't even find her own shitty self, right?

Ugh. This is the end. I should've known. Dapat di ko na pinatulan ang ad na 'yun dahil... hindi ako papasa. Wala akong karapatang pumasa... dahil may problema (ata) ako sa utak...

"O-okay. You don't have to answer it."

Eh?

I stared at her, unsaid questions hidden in my eyes.

Ngumiti ulit siya. "The most important is that you have something to look for. I respect your right to keep in a secret only to yourself." Lalo akong nagulat nang tumayo siya. "Don't worry, whatever it is, I'll surely find it for you."

Eeeh?!

Inilahad niya ang kanyang palad. Inabot ko naman 'yun. Still confused. T-tapos na ba ang interview? Nag-shakehands kami. "Congratulations, you're hired."

"Eh? S-seryoso po?!" di ko makapaniwalang tanong sa kanya. She tittered and nodded. Wait! M-masyado kong nabibigla sa mga nangyayari! Pa'no 'ko maha-hired e samantalang— Tinapunan ko ulit siya ng tingin. Napalunok ako. Geez. Bahala na! Basta, itatanong ko para sure!

"Ano po bang trabaho ko?"

"You'll be my li'l brother's personal butler."

WHAT?!!

Chapter 3: To Be You

Jamie

"P-PO?"

Luckily, I managed to reply in a respectful manner. Pero in deep side, gusto nang magmura ng buong sistema ko. Una sa lahat, pinahirapan nila kong hanapin ang lugar na 'to, naligaw-ligaw pa 'ko nang bongga at wala man lang ni isang nagpresintang tulungan ako na mahanap ang lecheng hall na 'to. Pangalawa, ang hihirap ng mga tanong na pinaulan niya sa 'kin sa interview tapos ito? Ito ang sasabihin niya sa 'kin? 'Yung maid nga hindi ko matanggap e, butler pa kaya?

"You've got to be kidding me," I said, trying to suppress the rage inside me. I turned around and searched for the door.

"Wait! Alam kong naguguluhan ka pa but let me explain it to you." She sounded desperate so nilingon ko siya. Nilapitan niya pala ako. Attempting to stop me, huh?

"Thank you very much but I'm not interested." Tuluyan ko nang binuksan ang pintuan. I felt a hand grabbed my arm.

"Please, you're the only person who can cure my brother!" she pleaded.

I irritatingly looked at her. "Tell me, scam 'to 'no? Sa tingin mo ba mapapaniwala mo 'ko, ha? Sorry, nagkamali ka ng taong lolokohin."

Hawak-hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko. "Please! J-just listen to me!' Binawi ko ang kamay ko at akma na sanang lalabas ng pintuan nang magsalita siya ng, "You want to find something important, right?"

That line froze me. Ginamit niya 'yong opportunity para lumapit sa 'kin at harapin ako. Her eyes were about to cry. Tch. Pang-FAMAS ang level ng babaeng 'to.

"I-I'll guarantee you that... if you'll accept this job, I will help you find it—that something you have lost."

I rolled my eyes. Oh yeah? So what's next? Pigs would fly? I smirked, went back to my seat and folded my arms. She was about to thank me, totally misinterpreting my gesture so inunahan ko siya. "Y-you told me to listen to you, right? It's not like I've already said yes," I said, looking away with an uncaring face. Bumalik na rin siya sa kinauupuan niya kanina. I saw her smile at me but I chose to ignore it.

"A few days ago," she started to explain, "one of my private investigators sent me a video. Actually kasi, isa sa mga experiment ko ang ilagay ang kapatid ko sa isang mataong lugar."

"Sociophobia?" I guessed.

She slowly shook her head. "Hindi naman siya takot sa mga tao in general but... he have two psychological illnesses. He hates and fears women. M-medyo... rare ang case niya 'cause usually, it will be either of the two but... he both have those conflicting illnesses inside him."

This revelation shocked me. M-may taong nakakaranas ng gano'n? For real? The thought alone made my stomach churn.

"Kapag nahawakan siya ng isang babae, automatic na nagkakapantal-pantal ang balat niya. Kaya nga.. .gumawa ako ng isang experiment para malaman kung posible ba na may isang babae na hindi ganoon ang epekto sa kanya. Someone who can touch him without causing him to break into hives. Kaya in the span of two weeks, naka-closely monitor siya. Luckily, we've found one."

I swallowed. "Don't tell me it was..."

Tumango siya habang nakakunot ang noo. "Yes, it's you."

"W-wait—okay? M-medyo naguluhan ako." I breathed. "P-pa'no n'yo nalamang ako 'yun?" Napaturo pa ko sa sarili ko just to confirm it. "Baka naman napagkamalan n'yo lang po ak—"

"Look, Jamie, even I, his sister, can't touch him," seryoso niyang sabi.

Somehow, I could sense a pain through her eyes... pero wala akong pake! Argh. Pwede bang bilisan niya ang pagsagot dahil may follow up question pa 'ko? I still couldn't get over the fact na pumunta ko rito nang maayos after patulan ang isang ad sa internet, expecting a normal interview and job offer tapos sabay gan'to? Ihahagis ko talaga 'tong sofang 'to sa mukha niya 'pag nalaman kong palabas lang ang lahat at ang goal niya lang naman talaga e gawin akong 'butler' (duh?!) ng kapatid niya!

"Sinubukan kong hawakan siya noon pero nagpantal-pantal din siya. Dahil do'n malayo ang loob niya sa 'kin at lalong tumindi ang galit niya sa mga babae, especially, sa 'kin. Mahirap para sa 'kin na makita siyang ganyan. Halos di ko na siya kilala dahil ibang-iba na siya. For the past eighteen years of his life, he never went out of his way to talk and meet anyone outside this mansion. Never pa siyang umalis ng bahay. Kung may mga times man na nasa labas siya, it was due to my experiment and my constant reminder na subukan niyang lumabas at mag-explore. He became a shut-in. He never went to school. Tinututor lang siya online. As her ate, masakit sa 'kin na tatanda siyang gano'n na lang. K-kaya—" A teardrop fell from her eye. "I'm sorry." Umiwas siya ng tingin at pinunasan ang kanyang luha.

"Young Lady." Si Sebastian. Narinig namin ang kanyang katok sa pintuan ng silid. "Nagdala po ako ng meryenda."

"Come in, Sebby," sagot ni Ms. Sherry na mas mukhang okay na kesa kanina. Nang pumasok si Sebastian ay sumandal siya sa sofa at ngumiti sa 'kin nang bahagya. Inihanda ni Sebastian ang pagkain namin na mukhang masarap. Blueberry tart at Earl Grey tea. Shit. Nakakawala ng inis 'to ah. Aroma pa lang, nagwawala na ang tiyan ko!

Pagkatapos niyang maihanda ang lahat ay magalang siyang nagpaalam at tuluyan nang umalis.

"Jamie."

"Po?" Palapakan n'yo ang pagiging magalang ko!

"Ang totoo n'yan, gusto ni Ice na magkaro'n ng butler na katulad ni Sebby." Ice? Pfft—as in yelo? 'Yun ang pangalan ng topakin niyang kapatid?! "But I don't think he will get better kung isang lalaki ang hahayaan kong mag-alaga sa kanya. I need someone who can help him cure himself. Ang sabi sa 'kin ng mga psychologist, his hate and fear of woman—those are just in his mind. If there is someone who can help him, I think, ikaw 'yon."

"A-ako talaga?" Kunwari nagulat pa ako.

"Yes. Kasi ikaw lang ang tanging tao na kayang hawakan siya without causing him to break out in hives."

"S-so... you want me to disguise as a guy at maging butler niya para matulungan siyang gumaling?"

"Yes."

"B-but—" This is ridiculous. First of all, wala akong ibang pinangarap kundi maging perfect na babae. Hinhin kumilos, pinong paggalaw, maalam na utak, mapagkawang gawang ugali—'yan ang mga pinaghirapan kong matutunan over the years tapos sasabihin mo sa 'kin na ang trabaho ko ay magpanggap na lalaki?! Gahd, I don't even have an idea how to act like one!

I already made up my mind to find myself because apparently, sabi ni Erika, I am not really who I know I am. Nagpapanggap lang daw ako. Kahit pa tubuan ako ng malasakit sa kapatid niya (o sa kanya mismo), paano ko tatanggapin ang offer niya na magpanggap ako e 'yung mismong pagpapanggap nga ang gusto ko nang talikuran?! (Though I still couldn't accept na pinagbibintangan akong mapangpanggap ng lokaret na 'yon!) Saka... s-sa ganda kong 'to?! Pa'no mo mako-convince ang isang lalaki na hindi tubuan ng malisya 'pag tinitigan ako? Kahit saang parte mo tignan, I look like a woman. Kaya imposible talagang—

"I will do anything for you in return." Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko. I know, given na ang sincerity sa mga sinasabi niya pero... the hell I care. Hindi ako ang taong hinahanap niya. I'm not suited for that job. I can't do it. It was definitely a selfish assumption that I'll accept it. There were still a few people living in this world who cannot be bought my money.

Marahan kong inalis ang kamay niya na nakahawak sa 'kin at saka tumayo. Yumuko ako nang buong galang. "I'm sorry but there's no way I can do it. Please excuse me."

Then I left her, never planning to come back.

TATANGGI sana akong magpahatid pero wala akong nagawa nang sabihan niya 'kong "I insist" kaya ayun. Nakasakay ako ngayon sa isang magarang itim at sigurado akong mamahaling sasakyan katabi ang butler ni Ms. Sherry. 'Kuya Sebastian' daw ang itawag ko sa kanya dahil mas prefer niya na raw na tinatawag na gano'n.

"Bakit mo nga pala tinanggihan si Young Lady?"

"Si Ms. Sherry?"

Tumango siya. What I like about him is that... he has the ability to stay calm all the time. Pwede naman niya 'kong sungitan dahil tinanggihan ko ang offer ng amo niya pero mas minabuti niya pa ring pakisamahan ako nang maayos at walang hard feelings.

"Kahit pa sabihin ko sa 'yo, hindi mo rin maiintindihan, Kuya Sebastian." I sighed. Kagaya ng kapatid ng amo mo, may topak din ako. Isang uri ng topak sa ulong hindi ko maipaliwanag.

"That depends," he replied, smiling confidently. "Let me hear your story."

Natawa 'ko sa kanya. What the hell is with this man? Talagang gusto niyang marinig ang sasabihin ko? Baka mawindang siya at sisihin ako afterwards. Naku... wag na lang.

Tumingin ako sa bintana, sa mga taong nasa kalye nang hapong iyon. Nalungkot ako nang makakita ng mag-amang masayang nag-uusap, naka-piggy back pa 'yung bata sa tatay niya. Nagtatawanan pa sila. I bit my lip. Hindi ko maitatangging naiinggit ako 'pag nakakakita ako nang gano'n. I miss my dad. Simula nang mawala si Mom, siya na ang naging tanging sandalan ko. Siya ang naging tanging pamilya ko. Nang mawala siya, I felt I lost a part of me. A part bigger than myself. Gano'n siya kahalaga sa 'kin. And I really would like to question God for taking him away from me. Alam ko na lahat ng tao mamamatay at pupunta sa piling Niya, but what's with the hurry? Bakit isa pa ang Dad ko sa maaga Niyang kinuha?

I teared my eyes away from the window before I die of it all.

"You lost your dad?"

I glared at him. I know wala siyang kasalanan. He even sounded so concerned. It's just that... sana hindi niya na lang minention. Sana hindi niya na lang brinought up e di sana... e di sana...

I let my tears stain my cheeks. I could feel their warmth against the cold tempterature inside the car.

"Life is painful and messed up," sabi niya. "Lalo itong nagiging kumplikado sa mga panahong kailangan mo ng kahit isang gabutil na dahilan para hindi sumuko. Para magpatuloy sa buhay. Sa paghahanap no'n, may mga pagkakataong hindi mo na alam kung anong dapat mong gawin o sa'n ka dapat pumunta. That's why... these people let themselves get lost."

I have no idea why he's telling me that but somehow... his words started to calm my heart. Na parang... alam niya 'yung pinagdadaanan ko. At naiintindihan niya 'ko kahit wala pa naman talaga kong sinasabi tungkol sa 'kin at sa problema ko.

"When you think you're lost, you want someone to find you. Someone who could make you realize that you're more than the mistakes you've ever made. Someone who could accept you in all the contradictions and complications you have in life. Someone who could embrace you as a whole without asking who you really are. Because... that's not what matters." He paused. I looked at him. He smiled and my tears continued to flow and mess up my face. He placed his free hand between his chest and continued, "it's here."

Leche. Butler ka lang pero bakit ang tali-talino mo? Bakit alam mo ang mga bagay na makapagpapaiyak sa 'kin? Noon, umiiyak lang ako kapag nagkakasugat ako, kapag may malaking failure ang sumira ng magandang standing ko... ni hindi ko nga iniyakan ang pagkawala ni Mom at Dad. Ngayon lang. Shit. Ngayon lang. Sa harap mo pa. Ni hindi nga kita kilala tapos pinaiyak mo 'ko? How could you? How could y—

"Stop finding yourself."

"Eh? Pa'no mo nalaman n—" Mind reader ba siya o gano'n lang ako ka-transparent?

He laughed heartily. Sinimangutan ko siya. "Cold reading."

"Ano 'yun?"

"I just guessed based on your facial expressions. At mukhang tama nga ako."

Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko at pinalo-palo siya nang pabiro sa balikat. "Ang sama mo, alam mo 'yun? Akala ko pa naman—"

"What's wrong with it?" he asked, his face on the road. "You left me with no choice but to guess it. Ayaw mo naman kasing magkwento tungkol sa sarili mo." Yumuko ako. S-sabagay, tama naman siya. "The thing that you are looking for... is yourself." Labag man sa loob, tumango ako. "May I know why?"

S-sasabihin ko ba? Well... kapag di ko sinabi, gagamitin na naman niya yung 'cold reading' na sinasabi niya.

"Um... m-may friend akong nagtanong sa 'kin ng... sino raw ang totoong ako and that question haunts me. Halos gabi-gabi, napapanaginipan ko ang tungkol doon tapos bigla na lang sasakit ang ulo ko," I explained, then felt stupid for doing it. Kahit na may pagka-mind reader siya, imposible namang maintindiha—

"I can deduce three things mula sa sinabi mo. Una, that friend you talked about earlier is someone close to you. Someone whose opinion really matters to you."

"B-best—I mean..." I cleared my throat. "..ex-bestfriend ko siya."

"Bingo." He threw me a smile. "After niyang sabihin 'yon, you stopped treating her as your best friend, am I right?"

I hesitantly nodded. That's true. I purposely ignored her after that incident. There's no way I can still be friends with someone who doesn't give any consideration about other peoples' feelings. Isa pa, masyado siyang nagmamarunong sa pagkatao ko.

"Nakakatawang isipin na kung sino pa yung matatapang na taong nagsasabi ng mga flaws natin as a human being, yung mga taong handang harapin ang galit natin sa kanila dahil sa mga masasakit na salitang kaya nilang bitawan sa 'tin, yung mga taong may pagpapahalaga sa 'tin at sa kapakanan natin... yun pa yung mga taong pilit nating tinatanggal sa ating buhay."

"So ang sinasabi mo.. .mali ang ginawa ko... gano'n?" I couldn't help but to retort that way. I felt insulted!

"I'm just saying that it's hard to tell someone close to your heart the things that she, herself, is not aware of. To have that courage to make you realize that you're not being who you really are means that she really cares for you."

"I don't care!" pairap kong sabi. "Naiinggit lang siguro siya sa 'kin dahil—"

"Inggit? Isn't it the other way around? You are desperately trying to search for that missing piece of your identity becase you cannot accept the fact the she knows you more than you know yourself." I was about to slap him in the face pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil una, magmumukha akong guilty at bitter. Pangalawa, hawak niya ang manibela ng kotse—meaning, hawak niya rin ang buhay ko. At pangatlo, tama siya.

"Back to our topic..." I don't like the smile on his face this time. Binabawi ko na ang sinabi ko kanina. Nakakainis siyang tao at di kami magkakasundo! Ever! "Pangalawa, there's truth behind that question."

"A-anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"Hindi niya itatanong 'yun sa 'yo kung wala siyang basehan, di ba?" I searched for the right words to say but I couldn't find any. I couldn't... defend myself. "That means there's something wrong about yourself."

"Wrong?" Napataas ako ng kilay.

"I guess... may mga pagkakataong iba ang pinapakita mong ugali. Halimbawa, mabait ka sa iba, pero sa ilan naman ay hindi. That means, you are not kind pero alam mo sa sarili mong mabait ka. Something like that."

"I don't get you."

"You do." Tumingin ulit siya sa 'kin. "But you won't admit it."

I frowned. My eyes started to sting again. A couple of heartbeats later, tears streamed down my face. "A-ano bang alam mo, ha? N-nanghuhula ka lang, di ba? Wala ka talagang alam sa mga pinagdadaanan ko so don't just barge in and say whatever you want to say kasi nakakasakit ka na!" I shouted at him. Kainis. Pumiyok pa 'ko. Pinreno niya ang kotse sa pagkabigla.

"Buong buhay ko, nakasentro ako in achieving my mom's last wish. Lahat ginawa ko para makuha ang label na 'perpektong babae'. Hangga't maaari sinigurado kong walang malalait sa 'kin. Na hahangaan ako ang lahat... at kaiinggitan ako ng iba pang mga babaeng gaya ko. I—I just wanted to make that dream a reality... m-masama ba 'yon, ha?!"

"You cannot simply label yourself," he said in a calm voice. "Labelling someone is like restricting him or her. Kapag nakilala ka bilang matapat, that doesn't mean you don't lie. That doesn't mean you can't lie. Kapag sinabihan kang maganda ka, do you think you will be pretty forever? No. So don't label yourself or anyone. You are who you want to be. It's your choice."

"To live with label. To live according to what is expected of me—lahat 'yon, ginusto ko. I want to be someone perfect... someone every woman desires to b—"

"Alam mo ba kung gaano ka-vague ang sinasabi mo?"

"Vague?"

"Gusto mong maging isang perpektong babae dahil 'yon ang gusto ng yumao mong magulang, right?" I nodded. "Pero... naitanong mo na ba sa sarili mo kung ano ang ibig ipakahulugan noon?"

"Huh?"

"Your mom wants you to be somebody she can be proud of. Magkaiba ang ginusto sa gusto mo talaga, Jamie. If your best friend noticed that you are not being your true self, that means, hindi mo talaga gusto ang nais ng mama mo." Umiling ako. How could I easily accept something that has been said to me by someone I barely know? "You just assume you want it for yourself... because you enjoyed the attention."

Natigilan ako at napatingin sa kanya sa sinabi niya.

"You just wanted recognition."

No.

"You wanted to fit in and to be understood."

No!

"It's pretty normal, Jamie. Everyone wants to be recognized... to feel our self-worth."

No!!

"To program your own emotions and teach yourself how to feel the right emotions. To act correct and talk correct... aren't you tired of it all?"

Inihilamos ko ang mga palad ko sa aking mukha, desperately trying to hide my tears that's still bursting from my swollen eyes.

"Third, her question haunts you because there's an inner voice inside you that keeps on telling you about the things you want to do and not those that you need to do. Sometimes, you just have to accept it. And free yourself."

Free my... self?

He laughed a little and resumed driving. "People often complicate things. Let's not be so complicated, Jamie. Life's complicated enough. Bakit idadagdag pa natin ang sarili natin doon, di ba? Katulad nga ng sinabi ko kanina... hindi naman talaga mahalaga kung sino ka... ang mahalaga e kung anong tingin mo sa sarili mo. At kung ano ang nilalaman ng puso mo.

"Why don't you start over? Reconcile with your best bud, and study in college while working with us?"

"Sabay aya sa 'kin magtrabaho para sa amo mo. Ayos ka rin eh 'no?"

Bigla akong natawa sa sinabi niya at sa sinabi ko. Tumatawang umiiyak. Mapula ang mga mata at may uhog ang ilong. Mukhang tanga. Nakakadiri ka, Jamie. Pero... hindi ako pinandirihan ng lalaking 'yon. He just stopped the car (again), ruffled my hair and wiped my tears with his hanky.

"Although we are asking you to pretend, we're not gonna restrict you the way you restrict yourself. Isa pa, magpapanggap ka lang naman kay Master Ice at sa ibang tao sa labas ng mansyon, hindi sa 'min ni Young Lady kaya..."

Inagaw ko ang kanyang panyo at walang patawad na suminga with feelings. After kong gawin 'yon, tumingin ako sa kanya. He gave me a cheeky grin. I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Just so you know, I cannot imagine myself with a buzz cut."

Chapter 4: To Be His Sister

Sherry

LESS than two weeks ago, while I was immensely engrossed in reading the latest study about misogyny and gynophobia, I heard someone shouted. I automatically rolled my eyes in exasperation and covered my ears in both hands. 'Here we go again,' I said to myself in a sing-song tune.

"HOY, SHERRY!!" Kasabay ng sigaw at pagdabog niya sa pinto ng kwarto ko. "Answer your freaking phone, damnit!"

I fumbled over my phone. I didn't notice he's calling. Naka-silent mode kasi lagi ang personal cellphone ko. I gasped for air, wishing I could breath in not just air but longer patience too (for Pete's sake) and answered his call, not forgetting to keep it a few inches away from my ears, unless I want to destroy my eardrums, which will be really troublesome in my case.

"What is it this time, Ice?"

Even though I hate taking his calls, I have to. Unless I want to call someone to repair my room's door again, remembering the damage he had done the last time I ignored him. Napakalakas pa naman manipa ng mokong na 'yon. Sana ginagamit niya yung lakas niya sa mas makabuluhang bagay like... pagtulong sa sarili niyang gumaling, di ba?

"Why the hell did you put me in that stupid park?!"

"Park? What are you talking about?" I played dumb and smiled.

Humiga ako sa kama at nagpagulung-gulong na parang bata roon. In-expect ko nang magagalit siya sa ginawa ko. Late na rin kasi siya nakabalik sa mansion, obviously, naligaw na naman siya. Teehee.

Ice has no sense of direction. Tipong eighteen years na siyang nakatira rito sa mansyon pero naliligaw pa rin siya. Yes, if he couldn't have the ability to familiarize himself sa mismong tirahan niya, what more pa kaya sa mga lugar na hindi niya pa napupuntahan, di ba? I guess, this is one of the reasons why he's afraid to get out of his room. He didn't know when he could come back again once he's lost.

Kulang na lang araw-araw ko siyang ipahanap sa mga bodyguard ng pamilya dahil sa malimit niyang pagkaligaw. What's worst? Siyempre ang maligaw siya sa labas ng mansyon. Mas lalong mahirap siyang hanapin 'pag gano'n. Matuturing ko na ngang isang himala na wala pang isang araw ay nakauwi na siya matapos ko siyang pagtripan kanina. Hahaha. Remembering what I did made me smile again.

But don't get me wrong. Hindi ko siya pinagtitripan para lang sa wala. Everything has its own purpose. And even though I am aware of the risk, I still wanted him to taste the life outside his room. That's why I wanted him to be cured. As her ate, gusto ko na maranasan niyang maging isang normal teenage guy. Nagkakaroon ng kaibigan. Nakakagala sa kung saan-saan. Gimik-gimik. Napapa-trouble. Nai-inlove.

Hangga't maaari, gusto kong iparanas 'yon sa kanya bago siya dumating sa edad na hindi na siya pwedeng pumili ng gusto niyang gawin. Edad kung saan... hindi na siya malaya. Hindi na siya pwedeng magsaya at magliwaliw kapag gusto niya. Edad kung saan... magiging mas malaki na sa kanya ang responsibilidad na kailangan niyang akuin.

"Wag ka ngang magpanggap na walang alam! Shit! Wala ka talagang magawang matino, ano?!" Narinig kong sabi niya mula sa labas ng kwarto ko. Well, what's the use of phones, anyway? Nasa labas lang naman siya. Geez.

"Wala nga kasi akong—"

"Ang sarap-sarap ng tulog ko sa kwarto ko kaninang umaga tapos 'pag gising ko, nasa isang fucking park na 'ko? Sino pa bang ibang gagawa no'n kundi ikaw?! You bitch! Stop messing around with my life! Hindi naman kita pinapakialaman, ah! Ano bang ginawa ko sa 'yo, ha? Ha?!"

"Shh!" saway ko sa kanya. "'Yan ba ang tamang manner ng pakikipag-usap sa ate mo, ha?" I asked in a 'forced' calm tone.

"Tch. I don't even consider you as my family because you are a woman! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!" Napakuyom ako ng palad. Ang sarap batuhin ng cellphone ang pagmumukha niya pero siyempre hindi ko gagawin 'yon. I have to be an understanding sister as much as possible but I wonder how possible will the term 'possible' last?

You see, my little pain-in-the-ass brother has an attitude problem too. Oo, he's a fragmented delicate piece tangled in so many complications. Minsan naaawa na lang ako sa kanya. He might not look like it pero I know ang dami na niyang internal battles within himself na napagdaanan. And I may not look like it pero nauunawaan ko kung bakit gano'n ang ugali niya.

Teen angst. Normal stage. Pero pinalala ng mga circumstances ng pamilya namin at complications niya sa buhay.

Pero madalas talaga nate-temp akong putulin ang matalim niyang dila. Nakakainit kasi talaga ng ulo ang creativity niya sa pagmumura. The art of swearing, as hipsters would call it. Mga kabataan nga naman ngayon (chos! Bata pa naman ako 'no!).

He's a hot-headed spoiled (and troubled) brat who happens to be the only family I have right now. Being the older one, I became the successor of our family business (er... businesses) at the age of 23. Not to mention that I have to deal with him everyday. Nakakaloka 'no?

Actually, having him made me regret that I once wished to have a little brother when I was younger, when our parents were still alive and I was still carefree and not tied up with many responsibilities. Joke! Kahit gan'to ako (at ganyan siya) masaya naman akong nagkaroon ng kapatid. Babait din 'yan sa 'kin. I just need to find the right person who can prove to him that girls are not some extra-terrestrial species that he should hate and fear. I know na 'pag nahanap ko na ang taong 'yun, magiging smooth sailing na ang lahat. And he would finally open his heart to me.

Ang gwapo pa naman ng kapatid ko, kailangan magkaroon kami ng selfie together! Hahaha. But that could wait. Really.

For now, medyo nagko-concentrate ako sa recent experiment ko. If this turned out to be successful, hindi na kami araw-araw magbabangayang dalawa. He would not forbid me to see him or go to the places where I could see him. (Tama ka ng pagkakarinig, gano'n kami sa mansyon, even though dadalawa na lang kaming Perez na nakatira rito.) Hindi na siya kailangang tumawag pa o kalampagin ang pinto ng kwarto ko para lang makausap ako. Makakapagsabay na kaming kumain ng almusal, tanghalin at hapunan. Mararanasan ko na rin na mamasyal nang hindi puro bodyguards o si Sebby ang kasama. Mararanasan ko na rin yung tinatawag nilang 'Joy of Movie Marathon' with your family members. Mararanasan ko na ring makipag-asaran sa kanya nang hindi siya nagmumura o nakataas ang boses. Mararanasan ko ring marinig sa bibig niya ang katagang 'ate'.

Mararanasan ko rin 'yon, tiwala lang.

"Okay, fine. Don't call me 'ate' kung ayaw mo. Tch. Just don't shout at me like that."

"Kung ayaw mong magalit ako sa 'yo, tigilan mo ang pangti-trip sa 'kin!"

"Kailan kita pinagtripan, aber?"

"Hah! Hindi mo na maalala?! Kahapon, nagpadala ka na naman ng maid sa kwarto ko! Sinabi ko na nga sa 'yong ayokong nakakakita ng babae, di ba? Nang-aasar ka ba?!"

"Eh kasi naman, kailangan mo ng personal attendant 'no!"

"I know but why does it have to be a woman?!"

"Baliw ka ba? Duh?! May maid ba na lalake?! Kaya nga 'maid', di ba?!"

"Tch. Stupid! Bakit pwede namang maging male attendant ah!"

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself being taken care of a guy?! Yuck!"

"Yuck mo mukha mo! Mas gugustuhin ko pang magkaro'n ng butler kesa ng maid 'no!"

"Haller?! Ang butler slash male attendant slash whatever you want to call it ay para lang sa mga babae!"

"Ah. So you are saying that you can have a butler but I can't?!"

"Sebby was personally chosen by our late mom to be my butler. You can't have him!" I shouted back at him (kahit hindi ako mahilig magsisigaw dahil nakakasira ng vocal chords!).

I see. I see. I placed my right hand just below my chin and nodded a little. He wanted Sebastian, my personal butler, to be his attendant kasi naging close na sila. Pero I couldn't allow that. Sebby's mine. Dapat maghanap siya ng kanya. And it should be a maid, not a butler. Tch. Stupid little brother.

"Tch. Sinasabi mo na kailangan ko ng personal attendant pero ayaw mong ibigay sa 'kin si Kuya Sebastian!" He really likes to throw tantrums like a child. Geez. Buti pa si Sebby, ina-address niya as 'kuya' samantalang sa sarili niyang ate, hindi niya magawa 'yon. Great.

"Fine!"

"Ibibigay mo na sa 'kin si Kuya Sebastian?" Anticipation could be spelled out in his voice.

"No way. Sinabi kong 'fine' kasi pumapayag na 'kong ihanap ka ng personal butler mo. Tch. Asaness ka namang ibibigay ko sa 'yo si Sebby. Haha."

"Pero—"

Beep. Beep. Beep. I ended the conversation. Hah. Hindi ko ata hahayaang mapunta sa kanya ang huling halakhak. Nakarinig ako ng malakas na pagsipa sa labas ng silid ko. And a few curses, I suppose. napangiti ako. Sign of his defeat. Then I heard his footsteps, walking away.

Teehee. I won.

DALAWANG araw na ang nakakalipas matapos akong tanggihan ni Jamie Ramos, ang kaisa-isang prospect ko na maging butler ng pasaway kong kapatid na posibleng maging daan para gumaling na siya. I know it's ridiculous and walang matinong tao ang seseryoso sa 'kin at sa offer ko... but I really mean it. I swear... if I could only buy her or even her 'yes', I would. Kahit magkano. I was just... I was just so desperate. Kung kelan nahanap ko na siya. Kung kelan nakita ko na ang babaeng walang epekto sa sakit ni Ice, saka naman... saka naman...

Agh. I threw myself on my bed, feeling frustrated. Kung bakit kasi ang hina ng convincing power ko eh. "Waaah! Sebby!" I called him out. Nabawasan ang init ng ulo ko nang pumasok siya sa kwarto ko at magalang na yumuko sa aking harapan.

"Yes, Young Lady. Ano pong maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?"

Sumimangot ako at nagpalumbaba habang nakadapa pa rin sa kama. I looked at him and his always calmed look. "Sebby, anong gagawin ko? Pa'no ko mako-convince ang babae na 'yon?"

Umubo si Sebastian at saka umiwas ng tingin. "Young Lady, you should always remember that a lady from a well-known family—"

"Must always look dignified even just in front of her butler," dugtong ko sa sinabi niya as I rolled my eyes and fixed myself. Then umupo ako nang maayos at humarap sa kanya. "Yes, ilang milyong beses ko na bang narinig 'yan mula sa 'yo, Sebby?" I asked, trying my best not to sound non-committal.

"I'm sorry, Young Lady pero sa sobrang dami, hindi ko na po maalala. But anyway, it just proves that its frequency is enough to let your brain memorize it on its own accord," magalang at pormal na sabi ni Sebastian habang tipid na nakangiti.

"Well, that may be true but... it's not like I always have to be so formal when we are together. Close na tayo, di ba? I don't think I should always pretend to be an ideal woman living in the Hispanic era."

"Alam ko po 'yun, Young Lady but you are forgetting that a woman must not behave like that in front of a man—or even as lowly as her personal butler," sabi niya nang nakayuko.

"When you treat somebody as your friend, you don't care about his status, class or even his behavior, idiot," pairap kong sabi sabay dapa ulit sa kama ko.

I always hate this side of Sebby. Lagi niyang binababa ang sarili niya sa harap ko. What's wrong with being a butler? I personally think it's cool. Yes, I'm his Master... but I never treated him like a slave. He's someone important to me. A reliable friend I can always count on. Wala naman akong pakelam kung butler ko siya. A friend is a friend. And I am always with my true self whenever I'm with my friends.

"I'm sorry, Young Lady. But again and again, it's against my policy to be treated as more than a butler."

"Tch. Ba't naman si Ice? You treated him like a younger brother, di ba?" maktol ko habang nakasimangot pa rin at papadyak-padyak sa kama.

"He's different. And he's not my Master."

"Tch. Stubborn." I huffed while pouting.

"Hmm. Can we come back again to what we are talking about, Young Lady?" nakangiting sabi niya. Tch. I hate his smile. His professional, fake and emotionless smile.

"Yun nga. What should I do? Should I start again with another experiment?"

"I—" Bago pa makasagot si Sebby ay may kumatok sa pinto ko.

"Sino 'yan?" tanong ko.

"Si Dave po ito, Young Lady."

"Tuloy."

Pagkapasok ni Dave, isa sa mga informant ko, agad siyang lumapit kay Sebby at may binulong dito. Napataas ako ng isang kilay. What the hell is this? Sila lang ang nag-uusap? Ano 'ko? Dekorasyon?

Ilang minuto makalipas, yumuko si Dave at saka tahimik na umalis. Napaisip tuloy ako na..siraulo 'yun ah. Papasok-pasok tapos di ako kakausapin? Tch. Ginawa pang meeting place 'tong kwarto ko. Tch. Masabihan nga siya mamaya. Uma-attitude eh.

Naputol ang pagpaplano ko na pagalitan si Dave next time na makita ko siya nang biglang umubo si Sebby para makuha ang atensyon ko. Tinatamad man akong kumilos e umupo na rin ako ulit nang maayos nang hindi na 'ko ulit makarinig ng sermon niya about good manners and right conduct blahblah.

"What is it?" tanong ko.

"I have a good news for you, Young Lady."

Napakamot ako sa leeg. "If the stock price of our main company increased today, alam ko na 'yan. I have already read the newspap—"

"Hindi po tungkol sa stocks ito."

"Eh tungkol saan?"

"Jamie Ramos is currently outside the mansion."

Napatayo ako sa sobrang gulat, my eyes almost popped out in disbelief.

"Weh?" Tumango si Sebby at casual na ngumiti. Agad akong lumapit sa bintana at hinawi nang bahagya ang makapal na kurtina. And there... I saw her, that lady with the strong personality... na kayang hawakan ang kapatid ko nang hindi nakapagdudulot ng allergy rito, was standing in front of my mansion—looking a bit nervous and anxious. My smile widened. Hindi pa rin talaga ako pinababayaan ng Diyos at ng mga magulang namin sa langit.

I swiftly turned my head to Sebby with a determined look. "Papasukin mo siya. Now na," sabi ko habang nakangiti.

Ginantihan ako ng ngiti ni Sebby at saka siya yumuko. "Yes, Young Lady."

Bago siya umalis ng aking silid, may bigla akong naalala. "But before that, bring me a nice dress to wear. I need to make her say yes this time. Without any hesitations."

"As you wish, Young—"

"Just Sherry, please," I insisted.

Tumawa siya nang bahagya, still, in formal manner. "Not a single chance, Young Lady. Anyway, I'll take my leave. I have a duty to never keep a lady waiting."

Pagkasabi niya nu'n, he left me with an elegant smile. Nang masigurado kong nakaalis na siya, humilata ulit ako sa kama, feeling a bit restless.

Seriously, this kind of situation is killing me. If only he's not my butler...

Chapter 5: To Be Reborned

Jamie

SOMETHING liquid has been dripping on the floor.

Plok. Plok. Plok.

I smiled, realizing it was my tears. I tried to wipe it. But it won't stop. I wonder if this is a punishment? If it is...

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry.

Kinuha ko ang picture frame sa bedside table ko. Family picture namin 'yon. Hinimas ko ang mukha ni Dad at nag-sorry sa kanya nang paulit-ulit. I have to leave but that doesn't mean I will leave for good. You'll always live inside my head, inside my heart. Alam mo 'yan. I know you do.

I started to pack my things. Sinama ko sa bagahe ang parisukat na bagay na 'yon. The only family pic we had. Bigla kitang na-miss, kayo ni Mom. I wondered how are you two doing there.

Nilingon ko kayo sa brick wall. I could picture you two there, both smiling at me while dancing like young couples in a Valentine night, humming with tunes of long-forgotten songs only the two of you could remember. I smiled back, realizing that even though I could see you so clearly, none of it was true. It was just my own precious memories lurking inside my head.

I sighed, knowing I should stop.

Because I have to say good bye and memories would keep me stranded in here. Because... even though they were gone, this house, this house full of their and our memories, was not. It would remain here. As long as I want to.

But no matter how long this house would stand, it will never bring back the two of you.

It will never will...

NANG tumayo ako para pumunta sana sa banyo, nakarinig na naman ako ng boses.

Tatakas ka?

Dahil sa pagkabigla, natabig ko ang picture frame na di ko napansing nakalagay sa tokador malapit sa cabinet sa sulok. Nabasag ito and was shattered into pieces. Dinampot ko ang picture na nakataob at wala nang salamin. Conflicting emotions knocked on my heart's door.

Picture namin 'yon... ni Erika.

It was taken after kaming picturan nang nakatoga bago mag-graduation. I never realized I have this until I saw it today. There was an odd feeling tugging in my chest. Siguro dahil iyon sa burado ng pentel pel ang mukha niya sa larawan. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang may gawa no'n. Whoever it was... napakawalang puso niya. At ang kapal ng mukha niyang babuyin ang isang bagay na pag-aari ko. Sa inis, kumuha ako ng lighter sa kusina at dahan-dahang pinagmasdan ang larawang iyon, kung saan masaya kaming nakangiti sa camera habang naka-cling ako sa braso niya, hanggang sa lamunin na ito ng apoy at maging abo.

Pagkatapos kong kunin ang lahat ng importanteng gamit ko, lumabas na ako ng bahay at tinignan ang kabuuan nito. I will surely miss this house. Dahil in my eighteen years of existence, ito ang nagsilbing tahanan ko. Dito ako pinanganak, lumaki at nagkaisip. Ito rin ang kaisa-isang bagay na iniwan sa 'kin ng mga magulang ko nang mawala sila. It became a part of me and my existence. It sheltered my thoughts, remorse, memories, and insanity.

I held my breath a little and locked the house. I held unto the key in a little more heartbeats then kept it safe in my wallet. I took one last look before I hailed a taxi.

I don't know if it was a part of my imagination but I heard a sound of something... dripping.

Plok. Plok. Plok.

Then I drew a smile, the kind of smile I never knew I have....

"SO... what made you come today, Ms. Jamie Ramos?" Ms. Sherry asked, smiling with half of his regular smile. Mukha siyang kinakabahan. I wondered why. Contagious ba ang pagiging tensed ko? I looked at Ms. Sherry again. She's wearing an elegant corset dress na talaga namang nag-enhance ng kagandahan at feminism niya.

"Aah... ano po kasi..." I bit my lip. I was too insecured at her that I—

"Sebastian!" Agad pumasok ang butler nito sa loob at magalang na yumuko sa 'ming dalawa. I smiled at him pero di niya ata ako napansin.

"Yes, Young Lady?" he asked, anticipating his Master's order.

"Prepare two cups of lavender tea for us."

"As you wish, Young Ladt," sabi niya sabay yuko.

Pagkaalis ni Kuya Sebastian, I smiled a bit and said, "N-napansin n'yo po pala, Ms. Sherry. Pasensya na po."

"For what?"

"You asked Kuya Sebastian to get two cups of lavender tea because you've noticed my anxiety, di po ba?"

"Wow," she said, smiling. She seemed genuinely surprised. "I never thought that you are very knowledgeable about teas."

I smiled back. "Nag-abala pa po kayo." Well, I really need to drink something. Anything. Nauhaw ako sa mahabang biyahe at nawindang sa halaga ng binayad ko sa taxi kanina.

"No, it's nothing."

Nang sinerve na ni Kuya Sebastian 'yung tea, I immediately get my cup and sipped a little while savoring the relaxing aroma of the tea. After a while, I straightened my back and turned to her. "Ms. Sherry...I'm sorry about the last time. I was so rude and—"

Mabilis siyang umiling. "Forget it. Wala 'yon."

"And..." I looked away, asking myself once again kung tama ba ang desisyon na gagawin ko. I closed my eyes and feel the pattern of my breathing. Seconds after, tumingin ulit ako sa kanya, finally making up my mind. "If I am still worthy of the job you offer... I hope that you can reconsider my application."

Inubo siya sa pagkagulat. Then after niyang ma-regain ang kanyang composure ay agad niya kong tinanong ng, "R-really? As in?"

Biglang nag-backfire yung pagiging 'perpect woman' niya sa isip ko dahil sa ikinilos niya. Oh well, hindi naman siguro masamang maging unrefined kumilos ang isang babae paminsan-minsan, di ba?

Tumango ako. But as soon as she smiled, I realized the weigh of my words. The responsibility I have to shoulder. Suddenly, I saw myself drowning in the sea of thoughts I created.

My lips started to quiver, feeling the first few traitorous tears drip from my eyes. Kumuha ako ng malaking gunting mula sa bag ko. And pointed it at the right side of my long curvy brown hair.

"A-anong gagawin mo? " natatarantang tanong ni Ms. Sherry sa 'kin.

I weakly smiled at her, whispering apologies in my head. For being so weak that I couldn't handle a little bit of myself. For being so reckless yet always so unsure. For being so... emotional... crying like an idiot after thinking the situation thoroughly.

"Hindi ko na po ito kailangan, di ba?" I asked, holding a few strands of it.

'Wai—" I started cutting my hair, in front of her. Slowly and slowly and slowly. Until it was really short. Until the already cut hairs were around my feet, wet with my tears flowing freely from my eyes.

Her forehead creased with worry. She wanted to stop me, I know, but she's too late. And this was for her offer and his brother's sake. This was for me too... to get the chance to live freely, just like what Kuya Sebastian said. To start accepting who I am... to start finding who I was before... to start loving every bits of me and my not-so-mes.

To start over... and grow up.

Namalayan ko na lang, nasa kamay niya na ang gunting. She unintentionally dropped it on the floor. Its sound twinged my heart. But the pain eased as I felt her arms wrapped around my body. She stroked my weirdly cutted short hair and whimpered a little.

"Help me cure my brother and I will give you anything," she said, softly. My tears started again as I embraced her back.

KINAUMAGAHAN, ginising ako ni Kuya Sebastian at sinabi niya sa 'king naka-schedule raw kaming pumunta sa isang salon to redo my hair. It was a family trusted salon naman daw so hindi ko kailangang mangamba. After getting the haircut I want, sinukatan ako for my butler uniforms. Then while we're on our way back to the mansion, Kuya Sebastian told me a little bit of my duties as Ms. Sherry's little brother's personal butler. We even practiced some lines I could use to deceive him. Err... hindi naman talaga deceive (pero parang gano'n na nga) kundi pagso-sort out lang ng mga dapat at di ko dapat sabihin saka yung information about my 'made up' identity, sinigurado naming iisa lang ang alam naming 'fake' truth. Of course, damay daw ang buong household. Lahat ng katulong, nakakuntsaba.

I was busy the entire morning but I was happy. Yep, deep inside I was. It was more exciting and less depressing than I thought. I guess I would like it, being here and doing this job.

"Good morning, Ms. Sherry," I said as I humbly bow my head at her. Nasa terrace kami ng mansion, sabi kasi ni Kuya Sebastian, gusto raw akong makita ni Ms. Sherry.

She smiled at me. "You looked better now."

"That's all because of you po. Para po kayong ate. Salamat po," I said, feeling quite shy.

Bumuntong hininga siya. "Kung ikaw ang magiging nakababata kong kapatid, aba, wala na siguro akong hahanapin pa."

Umiling ako. "I don't think so po. I'm not really special and I bet God has a reason why He made Master Ice like that."

"Wow. You really remembered that jerk's name, huh?"

Natawa ko in a reserved manner. "Lagi po kasi siyang pinag-uusapan ng mga katiwala n'yo sa bahay." Yeah, trending lang ang peg. I wonder if someone has already died of heart attack because of him. Sa mga kwento kasi nila, parang ang sama-sama niya nga. Pala-mura pa raw. Tch. foul-mouthed na nga ako tapos gano'n pa ang future Master ko? Taragis 'yan. Sasabog kaming dalawa.

She gave me an open and uncalculated laugh. "I see. He's a walking disaster, really." Napansin kong lumungkot ang mga mata niya after saying that... so I decided to change the topic.

"Can I ask something, Ms. Sherry?" She curved her lips and nodded, signalling me to speak. "Wine critic po ba at sommelier ang mga magulang po ninyo?"

Her face lit up. "Whoa. How'd you know that? Through research?"

"No... I just based it on your name and your brother's."

She nodded and her smile turned into a grin. "Sige nga. Let me hear your opinion about it."

"Sa pagkakaalam ko po, Sherry is a kind of wine na galing sa Spain. Itinuturing itong isa sa mga best-valued wines sa buong mundo. Isa naman pong Classic Mixology ang combination ng Sherry wine at ice. Hindi ako umiinom pero... nabasa ko sa isang libro na sobrang sarap daw po ng combination ng dalawang 'yun kaya hinahanap-hanap ang lasa nito hindi lang ng mga lalaki kundi ng mga babae."

"Exactly. Grabe ah. Napabilib mo 'ko. Seriously, you have read that in a book?"

"I happen to have an interest in variety of books," I informed her. It was originally because I want to be the best in everything to be called 'perfect' kaya maalam ako sa mga bagay-bagay.

"Oh. I see. How did you guess that my late father and mother are wine critic and sommelier?"

"Sa tingin ko kasi, para ipangalan sa dalawang anak nila ang combination na iyon ng inumin, nangangahulugan ito na mahal po nila ang pag-inom ng wine. At ang mga taong may propesyon na may kaugnayan sa pagmamahal sa wine ay ang pagiging wine critic at sommelier."

"Just great. Tama ka, Jamie. Actually, that's the very reason why they died early. As they say, too much drinking is dangerous to one's health."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Ms. Sherry."

"Wala 'yun. It's an old story to me. I already accepted that it's their time to leave."

I just smiled sadly and looked down my feet. Then an awkward silence enveloped us. Maya-maya, I asked, "Ms. Sherry, bakit n'yo po pala ako pinatawag?"

"Buti pinaalala mo. Here," sabi niya sabay abot sa sa 'kin ng butler uniform. "Wear it and after that, see me at my room." I was surprised na tapos na agad 'yon. Hapon pa lang, ah? Ang bilis naman.

I nodded in agreement. After a few minutes, kumatok ako sa pinto ng kwarto ni Ms. Sherry, feeling a little nervous and excited to see her reaction. Nang suotin ko 'to, feeling ko ang cool ko. Wala lang. I really looked like a guy. She opened the door and welcomed me inside.

Napangiti siya nang makita ang suot ko. Tinulungan niya pa nga akong ayusin ang tie ko e. Sorry naman. Hindi pa ko sanay magkabit no'n. Nang ma-satisfied na siya sa overall look ko, pinagmasdan niya pa ko ulit habang nakangiti.

"From this day forward, you are not Jamie Ramos anymore. You are now a guy. And your name will be... James."

I COULDN'T help but feel bad about my girly clothes. I need to say good bye to them. Kuya Seb gave me a small box and told me to put inside every thing that could be possibly used as an evidence of me being a girl. This box would be hidden in the mansion's attic where only him and Ms. Sherry have copies of the key. I was also advised by Ms. Sherry to never tell anyone about our agreement. It was all to ensure the secrecy of my identity.

If someone finds it out, it will be the end. Not only will it bring shame to the Perez family, but also... my dream will be at stake. I have to do my best to keep everything a secret. Para maprotektahan ko ang dangal ng pamilya nila. Para maprotektahan ko ang pangarap ko na mahanap ang isang fragment ng sarili ko at matanggap ito eventually.

I looked at my only family's picture. Hindi ko makakayang isama ito sa box, so I decided to keep it in my drawer. Wala naman sigurong masama. Picture lang naman ito. At bata pa ako rito. Maiksi pa ang buhok ko. Hindi naman halatang babae ako sa picture.

Habang nagta-transfer ng ibang damit sa box, napansin kong may nahulog na papel mula sa bag ko. Dinampot ko 'yun at pinagmasdan. Dahan-dahan akong napangiti. You would never see something as rare as this piece again. I wonder who wrote this. I wonder when will I read something like this again. Somehow... I want to ask the poet of this sad poem... why do you hate the sky so much?

I smiled at myself for no apparent reason. I held the paper close to my heart and sigh. I will keep this. And someday, if fate would allow... I would find you and ask you that question... Mr. or Ms. Whoever You Are.

Chapter 6: To Be A Cat

Jamie

I TRACED my reflection on the mirror as I look at my naked self.

I could feel the soft pitter patters of the shower and hear its voice, whispering in my ear. It was like the sound of the rain in a Friday night. When all the people in the streets were busy. And all the lights and honks were on. And the music it always makes would intertwine with them all at once.

Like destiny.

Like something nonexistent yet existing. Like someone existing but cease to exist.

Nang patayin ko ang shower, I felt that my world stopped. And I have to face the reality in front of my face. I am no longer Jamie... with the long curly hair everyone used to love and envy.

Hinawakan ko ang maiksi kong buhok. Nakakapanibago.

I used to take a lot of time kapag pinapatuyo ko ito. Gumagamit pa nga ako ng blower after using a towel. Tapos ang tagal-tagal kong mag-isip kung anong ayos ang gagawin ko sa mahaba kong buhok. There are times na tinitirintas ko ito o pino-ponytail na maraming variation. Kapag naman tinatamad akong mag-ayos, nilulugay ko na lang. E ngayon, halos saglit lang, tuyo na. Hindi ko na kailangan ng blower. At hindi ko na rin kailangang mag-ubos ng oras sa pag-iisip kung anong gagawin ko sa buhok ko. Kasi wala nang ibang pwedeng gawin dito kundi suklayin at lagyan ng wax o gel. Fuck. I never realize I would use these things.

I am no longer Jamie... with the label of 'perfection' in her whole identity.

I touched my lips, and sighed. Hindi na ko pwedeng gumamit ng make up. At ang gara ko tignan pag napaka-'raw' ng mukha ko. Ang putla ko at... geez. I would surely miss the times when I go gaga over the newest trendy lipstick color, eye shadow mix and matches, cool eye liners and chic blush ons.

More sighs.

It was no longer me. For I am no longer a woman. Because from now on... I'm already a man. A man called... James.

More and more sighs.

I dried myself with a towel and then wrap a thick piece of flexible cloth on my chest—to hide it. I felt sorry for them, but I have to do this unless I want this to be over before it even formally started. Then I started to wear my butler uniform and fixed myself. Nag-practice-pratice pa akong mag-bow at magsabi ng, "Good morning, Master Ice" cheber bago ko lumabas ng bathroom. Then I wore my white socks and shiny black shoes na panglalaki. I gave in a few more sighs remembering my doll shoes and heels. Hindi ko na sila masusuot.

Nu'ng masigurado 'kong wala na kong nakalimutan, lumabas na ko ng silid at nagpunta sa pinakadulong silid sa Strange Hall, kung saan ando'n sina Ms. Sherry at Kuya Seb, hinihintay ako.

I knocked three times then tell them my name. Narinig ko ang boses ni Ms. Sherry, permitting me to go inside. Nakita kong isang dinning area pala ang set up ng silid na 'yon. May napakahabang lamesa sa pinakagitna ng silid na nadedekorasyunan ng magandang mantel, mga candelabra, basket ng prutas at kung anu-ano pa. May mga chandeliers din ito sa itaas at mga antigong gamit katulad ng maliit na kabinet sa gilid na yari sa kahoy.

"James, come in and join me for breakfast today," nakangiting aya sa 'kin ni Ms. Sherry. Agad akong tumingin kay Kuya Seb. Alam ko kasi bawal sumabay sa pagkain ng amo ang isang butler. He gave me a knowing look and a calm smile saka siya tumango.

"Just do what our Young Lady wants you to do," pormal nitong sabi saka inalalayan ako sa pag-upo. Nag-aalangan man ako sa una, sumabay na rin ako kay Ms. Sherry na kumain. She told me that Kuya Seb cooked all of this. Nakaka-amaze. Para siyang professional chef kung magluto!

"Don't worry, James. You'll be taught to cook naman. Right, Sebby?" Tumango si Kuya Seb at bahagyang ngumiti nang lingunin siya ni Ms. Sherry.

Then we talked a little about cuisines habang kumakain. After we ate, pinaghanda na ko ni Ms. Sherry, sabi niya isasama niya raw ako sa kilalang bilihan nila ng damit. Umayaw nga ako 'cause that would mean I will be indebted to her again but she insisted. Kailangan daw malagyan na ng laman ang wardrobe ko. It would be too suspicious if butler uniforms lang daw ang ando'n. I need regular guy clothes and accessories. Dahil una sa lahat, kalaban ko ang mapanghusgang lipunan. I need to convince them through the way I handle myself with the clothes that I wear that I am a man and not a woman.

"Sebby, get this and get that," utos ni Ms. Sherry na mabilis ngunit masusing kinikilatis ang mga damit na sa tingin niya ay babagay sa 'kin. Nakakabilib siya. Ang bilis niyang mamili. Tipong, isang tingin niya lang sa damit, alam niya na kung babagay sa 'kin o hindi. Nakakahilo nga siyang pagmasdan eh. Ang bilis niya kasing maglakad. Hihinto lang siya 'pag may damit na naka-caught ng atensyon niya. Naisip ko tuloy, ganu'n siguro ang mga mayayaman. Alam ka'gad ang fashion trend na magfi-fit sa isang particular na tao.

Well, ano pa nga bang masasabi ko, si Sherry Perez 'yan e. I love the way she carries herself and her fashion sense. She's really strikingly beautiful and elegant. Everywhere she went, para siyang bituin na kumikislap na pinagtitinginan ng mga tao. Nakakainggit. I couldn't help it. Mahirap i-deny sa sarili n--

"James."

I straightened myself then answered, "Y-yes, Ms. Sherry?"

"Follow Sebby and go to the fitting room. Just call my attention kapag may naisuot ka ng damit mula sa mga pinili ko."

Agad naman akong tumango at sumama kay Kuya Seb. Sa totoo lang, ako ang nabibigatan sa mga binubulat ni Kuya Seb. Sandamakmak kasi. I offered my help but he refused, whispering these to my ears, "It's agains't my policy to let a girl help me." Then he smiled and winked.

My heart fluttered. He's really a cool... guy. I wonder if he already has someone he l— Stupid! What the fuck are you thinking, James? You're a freaking pathetic guy. Umayos ka! You're disguising yourself for a purpose and that has nothing to do with—

"James, are you following me?" Narinig kong tanong ni Kuya Seb na nasa gilid na ng fitting room sa kabilang side ng store.

"Y-yes! P-papunta na 'ko d'yan!" I said habang patakbo akong papunta sa kanya.

Pagkatapos ng maraming beses na pagsusukat ng damit, at pagpili ng bibilhin mula sa mga napili na sa pamamagitan ng tango (at hindi iling) ni Ms. Sherry at Kuya Seb ay sa wakas, makakauwi na kami. Grabe. Inabot kami nang maghapon! Geez. Ganu'n katagal. Sobrang nakakapagod.

Gulat na gulat ako nang nagbayad na si Ms. Sherry sa cashier.

"F-f-five hundred s-sixty thousand?!" My eyes almost popped out of disbelief. May ginto ba sa tela ng mga binili namin para singilin si Ms. Sherry nang ganu'n kamahal?

I've tried shopping to expensive boutiques before pero hindi kasing mahal nito!

"Okay." Nakangiti with matching chin up pa si Ms. Sherry habang kausap ang cashier. "Pakibalot na 'yan. Here's my credit card by the w—" Pinigilan ko si Ms. Sherry. Napatingin tuloy siya sa 'kin.

"M-ms. Sherry, a-ano... wag na lang po kayo tayo bumil—"

"No," sabi niya, still smiling. "We will buy these clothes. Don't worry about the expenses." Don't worry? How would I not worry? Shit. Pa'no 'pag di kami na nagkasundo in the future? Pababayaran niya sa 'kin lahat 'yang mga damit na 'yan and how could I possibly pay her?

"P-pero—"

"It's nothing, James." Hinawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ko at pinisil ang mga ito.

It's nothing to you. But it would be everything to me. You have no idea how hard to earn that amount of money!

Lumapit sa 'kin si Kuya Seb at bumulong, "Young Lady's not kidding. It's just a small amount of money for her." I fucking know it, Kuya Seb! But that's not the reason why— "Usually, when we are shopping for her clothes, she would pay more than a million."

"M-more than a million?!" Tumango si Kuya Seb at mahinahong ngumiti at tinapik ako. "Cheer up. Young Lady's doing it for you... and for Young Master Ice."

Tumango na lang ako. Fucking shit. Siya na.

Pagkatapos bayaran ni Ms. Sherry ang lahat ng pinamili namin, umuwi na kami. Actually, Ms. Sherry offered us to eat pero ako na ang humindi. Nagdahilan akong mas masarap ang pagkain sa loob ng mansion (not intentionally trying to flatter Kuya Seb) at mas tipid pa. I wiped the cold sweat on my forehead. Whew. Glad I convinced her.

"BE sure to cut it evenly," paalala sa 'kin ni Kuya Sebastian habang naghihiwa kami ng cherry tomato nang sabay. Tumango naman ako at sinunod siya.

Morning rush. Ala-singko pa lang ng umaga pero napaka-busy na ng mga tao sa mansyon. Mahihilo ka sa kakaobserba sa kanila. Takbo dito. Takbo doon. Utos dito. Sunod doon. Kailangang mabilis at pulido ang kilos. Oras ang pinakamatindi nilang kalaban. Lalong-lalo na sa napakalawak nilang kusina.

Nagulat nga 'ko nu'ng pumasok kami ni Kuya Seb dito eh. Pa'no kasi mas malaki pa 'yung kusina nila sa buong bahay na kinalakhan ko bago ko tumira rito. Tapos napakaraming cook at chef. May master chef pa nga eh. Grabe. Nakakaloka. Mamamatay ata ako sa pressure pa lang eh. The mere fact na mga professional pala 'tong mga kasama ako.

Balita ko nga, nag-aral pa si Kuya Sebastian sa isang international butler academy tapos yung mga kusinero naman dito ay sa mga prestigious culinary school nanggaling. Dafuck, di ba? Nagbago agad ang tingin ko sa kanila. Akala ko pagsinabing 'maid', 'butler', 'cook', o 'helper' e laging may lang na kasundo. Dito hindi. Lahat may respeto sa isa't-isa at alam kung anong role ang ginagampanan niya. And they see the relevance of each others' roles sa ikaha-harmonize ng buong household. That every one of them is a 'necessity' to this place. Everyone is needed. Everyone has their own worth.

Suddenly, I felt more at home. This warm feeling, when did I last capture it beneath my breath?

Today, tinuturan ako ni Kuya Seb na gumawa ng paboritong main course ng kapatid ni Ms. Sherry, ang Linguine with prawns and cherry tomatoes. Nu'ng una niyang sabihin sa 'kin ang pangalan ng gagawin naming dish, pinaulit ko pa at napamura ko sa isip kasi, taragis, hindi ko alam 'yon. Pero habang ginagawa na namin, leche, hindi naman pala ganu'n kakumplikado, talagang kumplikado lang ang pangalan. (At siraulo ang nagpangalan.)

'Yung mga chef na trip ang mga nakaka-nosebleed at nakaka-tongue tied na pangalan ng dishes na ginawa nila dapat pinapaslang e. Kaimbyerna. Hampasin ko sila ng kitchen knife e!

"Drain the pasta when al dente," dagdag niya. Tumango naman ako at sinunod siya. Mabuti na lang at kahit paano, through the help of the books I've read about Italian cuisine, natatandaan ko na ang ibig sabihin ng 'al dente'. Ito 'yung state ng pasta kung saan firm pa rin 'to 'pag kinain at hindi soggy. Nakakatuwa at nakaka-challenge kasama si Kuya Sebastian. Mabuti na lang at handa ako palagi kundi... baka ma-disappoint ko siya.

Nang pindutin ni Kuya Sebastian 'yung pasta pagkatapos kong iahon, agad siyang napatingin sa 'kin at napangiti. Crap. Ganda ng ngiti. Bwiset. Kakaiba 'yun sa standard na ngiti niya kapag binabati niya ang kahit na sino. Or so I thought (and dreamed).

"Very good, James. Seems like you are quite knowlegeable with Italian cuisine."

I smiled back, wondering when I would get used to my new name. "Not really, Kuya Sebastian," I said. "I just happen to read some of these before."

"Well, either way, I'm amazed."

Then he smiled again. At me (of course). The kind of smile that felt like there's a wink knotted into it. Or so I thought (again).

"Umm. Mahilig po ba sa pasta si Young Master Ice?"

"Just call him Master Ice. Tutal, magkasing tanda lang naman kayo."

"Ah, okay. I will."

"About your question, oo. Kahit ano atang ihalo mo sa pasta, kinakain niya," he answered then chuckled a bit. Napangiti ako. Mas nakakagaan pala talaga ng loob kapag hindi ka niya tinatawag na 'Mademoiselle' o 'Young Lady'. As in walang restrictions na katulad ng malapad na pader na nakapagitan sa isang butler at sa kanyang master.

"Kuya Sebastian." I turned to him while grinning.

"Hmm?" he said habang nilalagyan ng finishing touches 'yung niluto namin.

"Mas masaya ka kausap 'pag ganyan ka."

"Eh?" Napatingin siya sa 'kin.

Umiling ako habang nakangiti. "Wala. Sabi ko mas gusto ko 'yung normal ka lang mags—"

I was cut off by his sudden laugh. "What do you mean normal? Minsan ba abnormal ako?" He looked at me, amused. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

"What I mean is... I like it better when you're talking with me in a casual manner. Just like when you talked to me nu'ng hinatid mo ko pauwi sa 'min. Remember that?" Tumango siya. "'Yung parang normal la—"

"Normal again," he pointed out, grinning.

"Kuya Seb nam—"

He nodded, pretending to be convinced then he patted my head in between his smiles. "Gan'to na lang. When we're with our Masters, we're butlers so we have to act and talk like one. When we're together, we're brothers so you can loosen up, if you know what I mean, and tell me anything that troubles you. I'll promise to give the best advice I can give for my little brother."

He ruffled my hair and chuckled. Sinimangutan ko siya na lalo niya namang ikinatuwa. Brotherhood, tch. So goodbye feminine side na talaga ako, gano'n?

"Anyway, every morning, I'll teach you the usual dishes he prefer para masanay ka."

"What desserts did he usually eats?"

"Good question. As far as I know, he really loves Biscotti and Bûche de Noël."

Napalunok ako. Shit. Ano 'yung mga 'yon?!

"Haha. Don't worry. He's picky when it comes to dessert kaya usually, yung pâtissiere na 'yung gumagawa nu'n."

"Aah. Haha. Buti naman pala kung ganu'n."

Literal akong nakahinga nang maluwag dahil sa sinabi ni Kuya Seb.

When the dish was finally done, he instructed me to bring it to Master Ice's room. Of course, kinabahan ako. Kahit pa tinulungan ako ni Kuya Seb e ako pa rin ang pinakagumawa nito. He just left instructions on how to prepare and cook it the he helped me with the finishing touches. Yung overall na lasa, hindi ko alam kung masarap. And since, first time ko gagawa nito, I don't have any idea kung ano talaga ang lasa ng dish na 'to.

Nang ituro niya sa 'kin kung saan naka-locate ang kwarto ni Master Ice, pinaalalahanan niya kong wag gagawa ng kahit anong ingay. Maingat ko lang daw na ilapag yung tray sa harap ng pintuan niya at umalis agad.

Syempre, natuwa ako kasi kung di niya magustuhan, at least hindi niya maibabato sa mukha ko, di ba? Hahaha. Kaso... nakaka-disappoint din kasi hindi ko pa siya pwedeng makita. Ang gara naman. Naku-curious na 'ko kung anong itsura ng palamurang Ice na 'yon! Gusto kong malaman kung sinong mas badass sa 'min. Though di ko naman pwedeng ipakita 'yung side kong katulad niya kasi masesesante ako agad (wala pa kong pangbayad sa lahat ng ginastos sa 'kin ni Ms. Sherry!). Kailangan chill-chill lang at habaan ko ang pasensiya ko. I need to convince him that I'm on his side. Kailangan ko rin makuha ang tiwala niya para makapag-open up siya sa 'kin at malaman ko kung anong deperensiya meron siya sa utak.

I have to be Ms. Sherry's bridge to his heart so that someday, if totoo ngang kaya ko siyang mapagaling, magkakaroon na ng chance na makapag-usap nang personal ang dalawa at ma-rekindle ang kanilang relationship. Pero hindi mangyayari 'yon lahat kung hindi ko gagalingan sa pagpapanggap na lalaki, dude.

DAYS passed but I still haven't met him. Puro training. Nu'ng una, exciting. New skills, new learning. Pero nu'ng tumagal, boring na.

'Yung feeling na gusto mo nang sumabak sa giyera? Gano'n e. Ang tagal naman ng paghaharap namin ng Master ko! Nakakaimbyerna ang puro training!

May mga araw na iba't ibang paboritong dishes ni Master Ice ang tinuturo sa 'kin ni Kuya Seb. Other times, he would teach me how to dress like a guy. Kung anong magandang partner ng vest, kung anong magandang kulay ng pants ang dapat isuot, at kung saang okasyon dapat magsuot ng cap. Mga gano'n. Though bihira naman akong di mag-butler uniform, kailangan pa rin daw alam ko 'to dahil may mga panahong kailangan ko raw humarap sa Master ko with casual clothes, lalo na kapag naging kaibigan na ang turing niya sa 'kin at inutusan niya akong samahan ko siya sa mga lakad niya (as if that would happen, ang alam ko shut-in siya e). Pati tamang pagkilos, proper posture at tamang pagbati sa mga tao sa bahay. Pati pagbubuhos ng tea, at pagse-serve ng pagkain kapag may bisita o kaya kapag na-meet ko na si Master Ice, tinuro niya.

Kailangan diretso ang tayo. Maayos ang tindig. Kalkulado at minimal ang pagkilos. Walang dapat matapon. Walang tunog kapag gumalaw. Walang tunog kapag nagbababa ng pinggan at mga kubyertos sa mesa. Walang natatapon kapag nagse-serve ng tea. Lahat 'yun.

Whew. Information overload.

"Okay. That's it for today," sabi niya matapos niya akong turuang magpalaki ng katawan. Oo, pati 'yon kailangan. Geez. You need to build your stamina, Kuya Seb told me nu'ng tinaasan ko siya ng kilay ng dalhin niya ko sa gym sa loob mismo ng mansion kaninang umaga. Because you'll be the one who'll protect the Young Master kapag nasa panganib siya. Maliban sa pagiging all-around, body guard at life saver din ako. Shit. Ano ba 'tong pinasok ko?

Buti nakakayanan ni Kuya Seb ang ganitong line of work? And he's always so calm and collected. Na parang madali lang sa kanya ang lahat. Maybe... sanay na siya? Or he loves his job? Ewan. Pero sana matapos na ang training na 't—

"Tomorrow, I'll tour you inside the mansion at formally, ipapakilala na kita sa iba pang servant sa bahay na di mo pa nakikilala."

"Okay, Kuya Seb. Umm..."

"Ano 'yun?" nakangiti niyang tanong sa 'kin.

Nag-aalangan man pero tinanong ko na rin. "Kailan ko kaya mami-meet nang personally si Master Ice?"

He patted my head and smiled. "Kapag ganap ka ng butler." Bumagsak ang shoulders ko. What the freaking hell! Hindi pa pala ko ganap na butler sa lagay na 'to?

"So... kailangan ko pang patuloy na mag-training?"

"Yes. Unless na gusto mong mabuko ka'gad. You see, Young Master Ice is really strict when it comes to his attendant. Though first time niya magkakaro'n ng butler, I'm sure... dadaan ka muna sa butas ng karayom bago ka niya i-recognize bilang butler niya. He's that strict. Kaya nga walang tumatagal sa kanya eh."

"But maybe that's just because lahat ng naging attendant niya sa past ay mga babae."

"Well, you can say that but... what I'm telling you is... we have to prepare for the worst. It's Young Master Ice, afterall. And we cannot afford to let you be fired by him. Kaya ginagawa namin ang lahat para maging convincing ang pagpapanggap mo na maging butler niya."

Yumuko ako at tumango. He's fucking right. Di ako pwedeng i-fire ng lalaking maluwag ang turnilyong 'yon. I accepted it and apologized to Kuya Seb for asking for that.

"Haha. Don't pout like that, James. It's okay. Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, di ba? You don't have to be so formal when you're with me. Treat me just like an older brother," sabi niya sabay akbay sa 'kin. I-i... inakbayan niya ako. Inakbayan niya 'ko!

Shoot. My heart's thumping like crazy. Ugh. This is bad. Really bad!

Then he ruffled my hair and smiled. I smiled, while desperately hiding my blush and thanked him. Pero after naming magpaalam sa isa't isa pagkatapos ng araw na iyon, hindi ko napigilan ang curiosity ko. I hope curiosity wouldn't kill me because I'm not a cat.

Nang lumalim na ang gabi, pumunta ko sa tapat ng kwarto ni Master Ice. Tumingin ako sa bintana sa hallway malapit sa kwarto niya. The darkness of the night sent chills over my skin. O talagang kinakabahan lang ako sa gagawin ko? Sabagay, kakaiba talaga ang feeling kapag gumagawa ka ng isang bagay na alam mong bawal.

I gulped and forced a nervous smile. Nang idikit ko ang tenga ko para marinig ko kung gising pa siya o tulog, biglang bumukas ang pinto. What the—?! B-bukas? I thought it was always locked. Oh well, makapasok na nga lang sa loob.

Tip-toe like a cat thief akong lumakad papasok. Dahan-dahan. Walang ingay. Pigil ang paghinga. Just a glimpse of him at aalis na rin ako. Just a glimpse of him.

Napansin kong bukas ang ilaw. Napalunok ako. D-don't tell me... gising pa siya nang ganitong oras? W-wag naman san—

Natulala ako pansumandali. Hindi makapaniwala sa nakikita.

Meow.

The freaking sexist bastard I've met twice before and my Master are... t-the same?!

Chapter 7: To Be A Ghost

Jamie

I MISSED about a thousand heartbeats when I've found that out.

Seriously? Why didn't I see this coming?

If you connect all the informations I basically know about my Master, I would obviously arrive at the conclusion that it was him. Ang problema lang, I've completely forgotten about that rude bastard kaya ngayon ko lang napagtagni-tagni ang lahat.

Foul-mouthed, sexist, galit at takot sa babae, his sensitivity about skin contact, at... nakita ko siya sa garden ng mansion nu'ng araw na pumunta ko rito for interview.

Geez. Napa-face falm ako. Bakit siya pa?! Ni hindi ko nga pinangarap na makita siya ulit eh! Especially under this kind of circumstances: A butler and his Master.

Great. Just great. This would be the beginning of my end.

Siguradong mamumukhaan niya ako. Sabi ni Ms. Sherry shut-in siya e, so iilang tao lang ang nakakasalamuha niya. Dalawang beses kaming nagkita coincidentally. Imposibleng...

I smiled at myself. I'm forgetting something.

Lalaki na nga pala ako ngayon. Malayong-malayo na ako sa girly gal na na-meet niya before. And if he could recognize me, magmumukha lang siyang tanga dahil ipo-prove ko lang at ng lahat sa mansion na nagkakamali siya. Wala naman siyang evidence na nagkita kami so I could easy say na baka panaginip lang niya 'yon o kaya napagkamalan niya 'kong kahawig ng isang babaeng nakita niya before. Marami akong pwedeng dahilan at marami akong kakampi sa mansion na 'to. Unlike him.

Lumapit ako sa kanya para matitigan siya nang maigi. He looked so peaceful while sleeping. Mukha rin siyang maamo. Napansin ko pa na ang haba pala ng pilikmata niya. Nakakatuwa. Kung siguro hindi ko alam kung anong pinagdaraanan niya, masasabi kong mukha lang siyang ordinaryong teenager gaya ko. I felt my heart clenched. Kahit naiinis ako sa ugali niya, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang tablan ng awa. I wondered how he became someone like this?

I'm sure there's a reason... and it's my mission to find it out.

Aayusin ko sana ang kumot niya kaso... bigla siyang gumalaw. Kinabahan ako nang bongga at napaluhod sa carpeted na sahig, trying my best to hide myself though alam kong hindi ito effective kasi bukas ang ilaw at purong kahoy ang kama niya. Wala akong makitang space na pwedeng pagtaguan sa ilalim nito! Shit! What if magising siya? Leche naman kasi bakit wala akong mataguan sa silid niya? Ugh. Don't tell... katapusan ko na?

Nooooooo!

Umungol siya at tumagilid sa kama.

Please, wag kang magising. Please, wag ka munang magising! I chanted like a prayer. Paulit-ulit hanggang sa... silence. No signs of further movement. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag at tumayo na. Whew. Muntik na 'yon ah. Makaalis na nga at baka mamaya e magising na siya nang tuluya—

I suddenly fell over a pile of books. Fucking shit! 'Yung totoo, Jamie, kelan ka pa naging lampa, ha? Lumingon ako sa Master ko at mabuti naman hindi siya nagising kundi... hay naku! Ano ba kasing ginagawa ng sandamakmak na mga libro rito eh!?

I managed to get up quickly and brushed off the dusts I got from the carpet. Hindi ba nililinis ang lugar na 'to? Bakit ang alikabok? Geez! Buti hindi siya nagkakasakit sa pag-i-stay rito. Dinampot ko isa-isa ang mga librong nakapatid sa 'kin at naghanap ng space na mapaglalagyan ko sa kanila. Then I've found a white bookself beside his study table (though I wonder if he really studies his lessons. Sabi ni Ms. Sherry, ino-online tutoring lang daw siya. Kamusta naman ang pag-aaral online? I'm sure that would be hell. Full of distractions. I don't even think it can be called education).

Napansin ko na kung hindi tungkol sa poetry at literature writing tips, puro self-help books at sky themed picture books ang nasa bookshelf niya. Napatingin ako sa wall mural ng buong kwarto niya. Sky themed din ito. Ang realistic pa ng pagkaka-paint. Akala mo nasa langit ka talaga. Ang ganda ng hugis ng mga ulap at ang aliwalas ng kwarto niya. Tumingala ako. Ganu'n din ang ceiling. I smiled a little and gazed at him.

He must love the sky.

And maybe this is the reason why nakabukas pa rin ang ilaw sa kwarto niya kahit tulog na siya. He wanted to always see the sky before he closed his eyes.

Akalain mong my cute side ang taong 'to?

I shrugged my shoulders and went back into arranging his books.

"How to Overcome Gynophobia," I read the title of the book I'm holding. Dahil sa pagka-curious, binuksan ko iyon. Naka-highlight sa page na binuklat ko ang 'Symptoms of Gynophobia: Rapid heartbeat, feeling of dread, panic at terror'. Napalunok ako nang maalala ko 'yung reaction niya nang makita 'ko. It was exactly like what this book says.

I felt sadness rushed inside me. I wondered how hard it was for him to live like this.

Dumako ang atensyon ko du'n sa causes. Ang sabi sa aklat, karaniwang dahilan ng pagkakaro'n nito ay ang pagsa-suffer sa isang traumatic experience na maaaring makuha sa isang physical encounter sa isang babae na nananakit o kaya ay inabuso siya sexually.

Natigilan ako nang mabasa ko ang word na 'sexually'. Though I doubt that could ever happen. First of all, he's a guy, a freaking rude guy. Kahit pagtangkaan siya ng isang babae, imposibleng hindi niya mapagtanggol ang sarili niya. Saka, duh, sinong papatol sa kanya sa ugali niyang 'yan? I bet imbes na lapitan, lalayuan pa siya ng mga kababaihan.

Binasa ko ang kasunod na paragraph. There's also a possibility na naka-witness siya ng pang-aabuso ng babae sa lalaki (physically man o verbally). I stopped and almost laugh at that line. Seryoso? Napaka-pathetic naman ng mga lalaking hindi kayang lumaban sa babae.

I read on and found out that this fear usually appears in men who do not usually interact with a woman. Well, mas may sense 'tong cause kesa sa mga nauna. Dito siya pasok eh. Pa'no, lagi siyang nakakulong sa kwarto niya kaya madalang siyang makakita ng mga babae.

But there's still a question in my head about the cause.

Sabi ni Ms. Sherry, naging shut-in siya nang magkaroon siya ng pyschological illness, di ba? So... hindi dahil sa pagiging shut-in niya ang dahilan.

Ugh. So what's the freaking reason behind it? Ang hirap mag-feeling detective na nag-a-analyze ng mga data!

I heaved a sigh and closed that specific book. Anyway, the most important thing is... he's recognizing the existence of his illness and he also wanted to be cured.

That would be enough to make me a little at ease about his situation. I've read some books which say that it would be hard to cure the patient if the patient himself couldn't accept the fact that he's sick. Ang sabi pa, kung ayaw mismo ng pasyente na gumaling, kahit ipagamot mo siya sa pinakamahusay na doctor, hindi siya gagaling. It's important that the patient has the willingness to be cured.

I'm relieved nakalagpas na siya sa initial stage. At dahil d'yan, mas mababawasan ang stress ko over him.

Dahil medyo nabuhayan ako ng loob, kinuha ko at binuklat yung librong ang topic naman ay Misogyny. Nabasa ko du'n na kaya nagiging violent ang isang lalaki sa babae ay dahil hindi niya alam kung pa'no makipag-interact dito. Same issue. 'Opposite sex interaction,' I concluded.

Karaniwang pessimistic at hot-headed ang mga misogynistic, ayon pa sa libro. Napansin ko na may nakaipit na news clipping do'n about mass murder crimes kung saan ang suspect ay mga misogynistic. So... aware din pala siya sa mga news concerning people like him? I wonder what he feels upon reading these infos. He must be scared... knowing that one day... because of his illness, he could be a murderer himself.

I closed my fist and returned it to the shelf. As if I'd let that happen!

Hangga't nandito ako, walang pwedeng mag-cause ng takot niya kundi ako lang. I would never ever let that ideology ruin his already damaged brain. I would make him realize that these things would never happen if he would just let people enter in his life. If he would just start believing in himself. If he would just start believing in other people...

I trailed off as I began to feel a gush of pain in my head. Don't tell me this would happen ag—

I heard a familiar sound. Laughter. A series of laughter. Ridiculing me.

I wish you could say that to yourself, Jamie.

I wanted to shout because of the pain but I couldn't. I couldn't. Shit. He would wake up at ayokong...

Napalunod ako sa sahig habang hinahawakan ang ulo ko. Akala ko nawala na 'to after kong lumipat sa mansyon. Akala ko...

Hindi mo 'ko matatakasan. Hindi mo 'ko matatakasan! Hindi mo 'ko matatakasan!!

Paulit-ulit ko 'yung naririnig kasabay ng mga boses na nagtatawanan. Lalong tumitindi ang sakit ng ulo ko each and everytime... it's like its going to burst and I... I can't...

"Kuya Shebashtian... hmhmn.."

Biglang nawala ang sakit ng ulo ko upon hearing him babytalk in his sleep. Dahan-dahan akong tumayo. Tinapunan ko siya ng tingin.

"Thank you," I whispered while smiling at his innocent face as he curled himself to the baby blue pillow beside him.

I found myself facing the shelf again. Then something caught my eye. Sa pinakababang portion ng bookshelf ay may isang librong nakabaliktad ang pagkakalagay. Kinuha ko 'yon at nagulat nang basahin ko ang title niyon.

"How to Deal with Big Annoying Sisters."

A soft smile immediately appeared in my face. Behind his rude personality, is a pure heart. He wanted to overcome his illness and reunite his bond with his sister. Aww. Somehow, I just wanna wrap my arms around hi— Fuck. There's no way that would ever happen! Ano ba 'tong pumapasok sa isip ko? Geez.

But... I want to save him... from the drowning solitude he's feeling. Kahit hindi ko pa 'yun magagawa hangga't hindi pa 'ko ganap na butler, I want to... save him. I want to be his anchor.

Binalik ko na ang librong 'yon sa exact spot kung sa'n ko siya natagpuan pero nadako naman ang atensyon ko sa isang nakabukas na aklat sa kaliwang bahagi ng shelf. Sinarado ko 'yun at binasa ang title.

"Recognizing The Signs That You're Falling For Someone."

My heart twinged and suddenly stopped. Then it palpitated for shitty reasons I don't know. It just... happen. Sa gulat ko nga muntik ko nang mabitawan 'yung libro eh. Seriously, anong meron sa librong 'to at nag-AWOL ata ang harmony ng heartbeats ko?

I just shrugged and put it back.

He's... in love (probably). Well, that's... defintely... cool.

I just wish it was not with a guy. That would be really troublesome on my part. Don't misunderstand me. Wala akong issue sa same sex relationships. I believe in the freedom to chose who we are going to love and it's not necessarily has to be your opposite sex.

It's just that... it could... cause me a tremendous amount of discomfort kung gay nga ang Master ko and he's into guys. I mean... how could I ever concentrate in disguising as a guy if he's a gay? Mamaya, pagtangkaan niya pa 'ko. Yuck. I would totally kick his ass if that would happen!

Binuksan ko ulit yung self-help book na 'yon. Good thing puro opposite sex lang ang topics doon. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag. He's normally falling for a girl—

Wait. Normal? How could that be normal if he has some girl-related issues? He couldn't even see a girl without losing his temper! Hindi kaya bluff lang ito? Pero sino naman ang papaniwalain niyang inlabo siya e nasa kwarto lang siya palagi?

Geez. Tama na nga, Dude James. You're under arrest for being so nosy.

Ibinalik ko na ulit ang libro at tumalikod na sa bookshelf para hindi na matukso ang mga mata ko.

But maybe they are destined to be sinners tonight.

Nakakita ko ng nakabukas na notebook sa study table niya at agad kong tinignan iyon. A poetry book. Handwritten. Cute ng sulat niya ah... medyo malaki pero neat. Teka... seems like I've seen his handwriting somewhere...

Well anyway, mabasa na nga lang. A title caught my attention. Epic.

"Lifeless," I've read as I traced the weight of his words on paper.

The darkness of the night promised no hope Enclosing my secret wishes that could no longer cope Escaping from the excruciating reality Was always what I was seeking to see Hoping for an excuse, a game so lame Maybe anything, a lie, a joke, all were the same My heart still aching, churning, longing Slowly melting, dying and fleeting With crying rainbows and distant rain Wearing fake smiles, enduring this infinite pain Was there any chance my gibbous moon To not reveal my heart as it swoon Crushed and bled to a far and remote Place never been heard? Life's a sinking boat And mine's been like stars floating on water About to collapse, willing to surrender The burden's unbearable, fighting was pointless That moment I already felt lifeless.

Foolish as it may seem, a teardrop fell from my eye. Ewan ko. Naiyak na lang ako basta pagkatapos kong basahin. It's as if this piece of literature was all about me. It's as if it was made for me.

I looked at him and smiled weakly.

Ito ba yung nararamdaman mo? I would like to ask him. Because it's the exact feeling I have...

I smiled again as I wiped my tears. Siguro nagpapaka-sentimenal lang ako. There's no way he would know what I feel. And it's imposible na pareho kami ng nararamdaman. Because we have entirely different situations, no matter how hard both of them are.

An assumption popped in my head. This poem...could it be...

Nilipat-lipat ko ang pahina ng notebook. And there it is. Isang marka na may page na pinunit doon. A missing piece. A missing poem.

Siya nga ang hinahanap kong sumulat nu'ng tula na napunta sa 'kin nu'ng nakaraan dahil sa ihip ng hangin. Ang pinuproblema ko lang... merong hindi tumutugma e...

The first poem of him that I've read... it's obviously a sign that he hates the sky but... as I look at his room, walang ibang sinisigaw ito kundi... mahal niya ang langit.

Ano ba talaga? He loves or... hates it? Which is which? Kasing gulo ba ng pyschological illness niya ang preferences niya? Gahd. Wag naman sana!

I looked at the clock on his bedside table. 'Nak ng tokwa! Mag-aala una na. I have to go!

I've written something in that specific page nang madalian tapos lumabas na ko ng kwarto niya nang walang ginagawang ingay. Then I hurriedly went back to my own room and tried to sleep. Napangiti ako nang maalala ko ang sinulat ko roon sa notebook niya:

You're not alone anymore. Because I'm here.

LUMIPAS ang mga araw. Naging busy ako sa pagte-train. Pinakamahirap ata na itinuro sa 'kin ni Kuya Seb ay ang pagmamaneho ng sasakyan. Nakakapaos magsisigaw sa takot. Buti nga at hindi pa 'ko nababangga pero di ko na mabilang ang dami ng beses na muntik na.

Sometimes, I would sneak in my Master's room at night. Wala lang. Trip ko. Pinagmamasdan ko lang siyang matulog o kaya tahimik akong naglilinis at nagliligpit sa kwarto niya. Kumbaga bago ako ipakilala sa kanya formally, nagpa-praktis na 'kong umaktong butler niya. Para sa actual, wala nang sablay. Tch. Galing ng naisip ko, di ba?

Tinignan ko ulit ang notebook niyang puno ng tula. Napansin kong may reply pala siya sa sinulat ko. Ngingiti sana ko kaso na-bad vibes ako nang mabasa ko ang sinulat niya:

Liar.

Ako? Sinungaling? Tch. Tanga lang? Sinulat ko nga 'yon para i-comfort kang mokong ka tapos ito ang igaganti mo sa 'kin? Ni wala man lang 'thank you' d'yan? Tch. Napaka-ungrateful mo namang Master! Sampalin kita ng libro d'yan eh!

Though I was pissed off by his rotten attitude, naisip ko na lang na gano'n talaga siya eh. Dapat di na 'ko nagulat. Buti nga di niya ko minura kundi pinagmumura ko siya habang tulog siya—

Just kidding. Hindi naman pakikipag-away ang dahilan kung bakit gusto kong makipag-communicate sa kanya via his notebook. Gusto ko kasing i-try kong gagana 'yung katulad sa mga nabasa ko dati na prone daw tayo sa pag-o-open up sa isang taong di natin kilala at di natin nakikita. Kaya push. Itutuloy ko 'to since kumagat na naman sa pain ang target ko.

I replied:

You might not be able to see me yet but it's true that I'm here, watching you.

After kong isulat 'yon, I mouthed him my goodbye saka umalis na ko ng kwarto niya.

The next day, nagulat ako nang may hot issue na pinag-uusapan sa mansion. Kapag tinatanong ko 'yung ilang maid at cook, iling lang ang ginagawa nila tapos umiiwas na sila sa 'kin at tumatahimik na.

'Yung totoo, may conspiracy bang nagaganap sa paligid ko? Bakit ayaw n'yo sa 'king sabihin kung ano 'yang rumor na 'yan?! Wait. Baka naman ako ang pinagchichismisan nila?

Holy crap. Anong nagawa ko para pagchismisan nila? Nagiging mabait naman ako sa harap nila ah. I don't remember showing them my foul-mouthed side. Kahit minsan naiinis ako, never akong nagmura sa kanila so... what's the damn reason I was being treated like a shit?

"James." A voice from my behind. Lumingon ako. It belonged to Kuya Seb.

"Bakit, Kuya Seb?"

Bigla akong kinabahan. "Are you aware of the rumors inside the mansion?" Umiling ako. "Good." He seemed relieved.

"Ano ba 'yun, Kuya Seb? Bakit ayaw sabihin sa 'kin ng iba kung ano 'yon?"

"Nu'ng madaling araw kanina, tinawagan ni Young Master si Young Lady. Mainit ang ulo."

Nakunot ako ng noo. "Ha? Bakit naman? Anong sabi?"

"Sabi niya may multo raw sa kwarto niya and he demanded the Young Lady to bring a priest as soon as possible," he explained then he rolled his eyes in disbelief.

I swallowed my saliva and pretended to be calm. "M-multo?"

He nodded. "Ridiculous, isn't it? Pa'no magkakaroon ng multo sa kwarto niya e halos buong buhay ni Young Master, nando'n siya? Nu'ng una, pinagbintangan niya si Young Lady na nagpapapasok na naman ng maid sa kwarto niya pero sinabi ni Young Lady na hindi na siya ulit nagpapasok ng kahit sino sa kwarto ni Young Master. It was confirmed by all the people here. Walang pumapasok sa kwarto niya. Maski ako hindi rin. Then he concluded that if it was not someone from the mansion, then it would definitely be a ghost. He even mentioned that the said ghost has been arranging his books and cleaning his room. Natawa nga 'ko nang ikwento 'yun sa 'kin ni Young Lady kanina eh. It's the first time I've heard about a neat freak ghost."

He chuckled. I swallowed again.

Uh-oh. I guess I know whose that ghost is...

Chapter 8: To Be Insulted

Ice

GOD must really... hate me. Maybe I should just die...

Ilang beses ko nang tinangkang magpakamatay. Pero sa tuwing hahawak ako ng kutsilyo, cutter, blade, basag na salamin o kahit na anong matulis o matalim na bagay, lagi kong naalala ang ate ko.

If there's something in this world that I absolutely hate except for the existence of women, it's her tears. Ayokong makitang umiiyak ang ate ko. Tama nang nakita ko 'yun nang mamatay ang mga magulang namin. Tama nang makita ko 'yun nang malaman niya ang tungkol sa sakit ko.

That's why... no matter how I hate myself... no matter how I hate my life... no matter how I want to die... I can't. Because I couldn't afford to lose even one teardrop from her precious eyes. Because even if the world would start to hate me, there'd always be one person who will never leave me. Kahit pa ipagtabuyan ko siya, hinding-hindi niya ko iiwan. Kahit na murahin ko siya, kahit sigaw-sigawan ko siya, lagi pa rin siyang nasa tabi ko.

Ewan ko nga do'n eh. Baliw ata. Hindi ba siya nagsasawa sa kakaalaga sa isang tulad ko? Hindi ba siya napapagod na maging kapatid ako? Siguro nga mas okay kung pinabayaan niya na lang ako. Iwan sa isang orphanage. Gano'n.

Para mas madali ang lahat. Para mas madali ang buhay niya. At para mas madali kong magawa ang gusto ko... Ang mamatay.

Because living was so pointless that even the thought of dying eases my heart. Kaya lagi ko siyang iniinis, sinusubukan ko ang hangganan ng pasensiya niya. Para itakwil niya na 'ko bilang kapatid niya. Tutal... wala naman akong kwenta. Wala na nga akong naitutulong, sakit pa ko ng ulo. Palamunin lang ako sa pamilyang 'to. Dagdag intindihin. Dagdag stress. Dagdag pasakit. Ultimo sakit ko, hinahanapan niya ng lunas, kundi ba naman siya tanga. Wala na nga akong pag-asa. Wala na 'kong pag-asang gumaling. Habambuhay na 'kong ganto.

Nakakainis. 'Yung mga iba diyan, hindi naman kumplikado ang sakit pero nagagawang mag-inarte. Nagagawang sabihing ayaw nilang gumaling. Samantalang ako, gustung-gusto kong gumaling. Hindi dahil 'yon talaga ang gusto ng puso ko... kundi dahil 'yun ang gusto niya.

Gusto niya kong gumaling.

Gusto niya kong makita nang personal na hindi aatake ang sakit ko at masasaktan ko siya. Gusto niya kong makausap nang kalmado at hindi sumisigaw at nagmumura.

Gusto niya... kaya gusto ko na rin.

Kahit ayaw ko naman talaga. Kasi natatakot akong umasang gagaling ako. Pa'no kung hindi? Eh di lalo ko lang masasaktan ang damdamin niya. Lalo ko lang mapapatunayan kung ga'no ko kalaking gastos sa pamilya.

Fucking shit. Nakakainggit 'yung mga may kalayaang mamatay. Kelan ko kaya mararanasan 'yon? 'Yung pakiramdam na wala ka nang maramdaman? 'Yung tipong kahit anong sakit... hindi ka na tatablan? Haaay. Ang sarap sigurong mamatay.

Damn. Inaatake na naman ako ng sakit ko. Hindi ko mapigilang magkuyom ng palad nang may makita kong mukha ng babae sa librong binabasa ko. Anak ng—lincha naman o! Agad kong sinarado ang libro at hinabol ko ang hininga ko. Whew, kalma lang, Ice. Picture lang 'yon, hindi actual na lintek na babae. Hinagis ko sa pinakasulok na parte ng kwarto ko ang librong 'yon at nahiga sa kama.

Haay. Hanggang sa librong binabasa ko ba naman, may gano'n? Hirap na hirap na nga akong mag-order ng libro online dahil karaniwan ng libro ngayon, may mukha o parte ng katawan ng babae (mas malala, babae at lalaking magkayakap ugh), yung iba naman, mukha o parte ng katawan ng lalaki na sigurado akong kundi erotica e bitch's fantasy ang kwento, tapos gan'to pa ang mapapala ko? Tch. Sayang 'yung effort ko sa pag-research sa librong 'yon. Ang ganda pa naman ng storya... tungkol sa isang lalaking nagpakamatay at naging mandirigma sa gyera ng mga Kastila. Bad trip. Bakit kasi may drawing? At bakit may biglang lumitaw sa kwento na ka-loveteam ng bidang lalaki? Geez! Kaya ko binili 'yon kasi hindi 'yon romance at walang babaeng nabanggit sa synopsis!

Lintek. Hirap magpaka-bibliophile nang dahil sa sakit ko. Sino bang author ang pwedeng gumawa ng interesting story na hindi love story at walang kasamang babae sa kwento? Matatanggap ko pa kung hindi importante ang role ng babae sa isang storya eh... wag na wag lang mapupunta sa kanya ang supporting at major role kundi ipapakain ko sa sumulat ang kwento niya. I-market niya 'yan sa iba wag sa gaya ko.

Because seriously, I would love to live in a world free of those extra-terrestrial species called 'woman'. Maisip ko lang sila, kinikilabutan na 'ko. Shit. They should just all die so that I could spend the rest of my days peacefully. Well, my sister would always be an exception to the rule. Yes, I hate her for being a woman but I couldn't hate her for being my sister. (Though syempre, 'pag nakakausap ko siya, nawawala na 'yung parte sa 'kin na hindi galit sa kanya. Ewan. Okay lang kahit di mo gets. Di ko rin gets eh. Magulo talaga ako kaya libre kayong maguluhan. I've been one hell of contradictions ever since I started having the unique combination of two woman-related pyschological illnesses called Misogyny and Gynophobia. It's like living like a shit, seriously. You hate and fear someone you didn't know for the simple reason that she's a she.)

Bigla ko tuloy naalala 'yung ginawa niya sa 'kin nu'ng nakaraan. Last week (if I recalled it correctly) I've started waking up in the morning due to the annoying noise made by demonic girls dressed in maid outfit, introducing themselves as my group of maids. And yeah, she was the culprit. (Most of the time, she would do things that would make me hate her more than my illness wants me to hate her, for Pete's sake.) Just thinking that they've invaded my room was already spine-chilling. Oh, shit. I hate remembering their weird perfumes and flirty smiles. Yuck. Damnit. And the usual routine will commence. I will jump off my bed and shoo them away.

I really wanted to hit them but I don't want my sensitive skin to be touched by those ugly bitches. Just by having a skin contact with them, I will break into hives. Yes, just a matter of seconds and my body will be full of those shitty hives. Ayokong magkaro'n na naman ng mga pantal-pantal. I hate the feeling of scratching them off my skin. The itch they produce was extremely irritating that I would even try peeling off my skin just to get rid of them. Geez.

That's why being in contact with a woman can be fatal. Really fatal. And that's also the reason why I couldn't see my own sister. I might hurt her again. Just what I did the first time she learned about my illness.

Based on my experience, when the hives appear, I would go berserk. I would start to tear of my own skin because of the itch and I would hurt everyone around me.

The epitome of hell, in my own opinion.

"Young Master, 'andito na po ang afternoon tea n'yo," I heard one of the old maids in our mansion said outside my room. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her. Tch. As if I'd touch something that was prepared by a woman. No way.

Instead, I picked up my phone and dialled Kuya Sebby's number. He's the only person I could lean on in this hellish mansion. Napangiti ako nang agad niya itong sinagot. That's Kuya Sebastian for you. Laging maasahan sa oras ng pangangailangan.

"Hello. Bakit ka napatawag, Young Master Ice?"

I pouted and then paused. He called me 'Young Master' again even though I always tell him to just call me by my name. Geez. He never learned to obey me.

"Sabi ko tawagin mo na lang akong Ice, di ba?" I reminded him once again.

Nakarinig ako ng bahagyang tawa sa kabilang linya. Just as expected of Kuya Sebastian. Always cool and calm. "Well, ilang beses ko bang ipapaalala Young Master na isa sa mga tungkulin ko bilang isang butler ay ang magbigay ng respeto sa aking mga amo?"

"Tch. But I'm not your master. You're that Sherry's—"

"And for the longest time, when will you learn to call Young Lady as your 'ate'?"

I wish I could... really.

"Hah! Not a chance, Kuya Sebastian."

Hay naku. Lagi na lang siyang ganyan. Usual routine na ata namin ang magsabihan ng ganto. I would remind him to drop off the honorifics but then he would remind me of the same thing with regards to Sherry. Tch.

"Then I will never drop off the honorifics, Young Master Ice."

"Tch. Stubborn."

"Haha. That counts you as well, right?"

"Hmp. Ganyan ka naman eh. 'Pag sa Sherry na 'yon, lagi kang—"

"Well, that's because I'm her personal butler."

"That's why I hate her the most. She gets what she wants—everything that she wants."

That's basically true. She could have anything, even someone else' life. Gano'n ka-makapangyarihan ang pamilya namin. Buti pa siya, malaya. Lahat ng gusto niya pwede... samantalang ako, mas lamang pa ang mga bagay na di ko pwedeng gawin dahil sa sakit ko kesa sa pwede.

"No. You're mistaken, Young Master. Hindi mo lang talaga nakikita na napakaraming mga bagay ang kailangan asikasuhin ng Young Lady. She has so many responsibilities. That's why I beg to disagree with what you have said. I don't think that the Young Lady can always get what she truly wants."

"Ayan ka na naman. Pinagtatanggol mo na naman siya."

If only she would choose to abandon me, e di sana... hindi siya nahihirapan nang ganyan...

"Hindi naman sa gano'n. It's just that—"

"Sus. Hindi raw nakukuha ang lahat ng gusto. Eh kung gusto niya nga 'kong pagtripan, nagagawa niya everytime na gusto niya eh. Yung simpleng bagay pa kaya? Tch."

Sana dumating sa puntong matripan niya na 'kong iwan...

"Eh? I don't remember Young Lady did something mean to you, Young Master."

"Hah! Akala mo lang! Nu'ng nakaraan nga may pinapasok na naman siyang babae dito sa mansyon, nakita ko sa garden hab—"

"Whoa. Lumabas ka ng kwarto mo, Young Master?" gulat na gulat na tanong niya na parang nang-iinis.

"Tch. Oo. Paminsan-minsan lumalabas din ako ng kwarto ko para makalanghap ako ng sariwang hangin."

"Then you should go out of your room more often, Young Master."

Tch. I wish I could also do that...

Unfortunately, there's something wrong in my head. I couldn't easily remember the places where I've been. Sa totoo lang, ang dami kong problema sa utak. Damnit.

"Tch. Ayoko nga. Kapag palagi akong lumalabas ng kwarto ko, nakakakita ako ng mga di kaaya-ayang nilalang," dahilan ko.

"Aah. I see. But if you continuously become a shut-in—"

It's not like I want to be a shut-in for life! It's just that... everything would be much harder for me if I went outside.

"I don't care about the future. Okay na 'ko sa gantong takbo ng buhay."

In a sense that I was not really forced to live a life I don't want or couldn't want for my own good.

"I don't need women. I don't need friends or whatever, especially their opinions and cold stares."

I've long accepted that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I know my own limits... at hanggang dito na lang ako. Ang mabuhay nang masaya, makulay at maraming kaibigan—those are just for the chosen few. And I would never be inside that small circle.

"Bakit ko pa papagurin ang sarili kong lumabas sa isang mundong hindi ko naman kilala at wala ring pake sa 'kin? I'm fine with my own world."

No matter how loud I cry deep within my heart... my voice... will never reach... anyone. Because nobody actually cares. Nobody actually understands what I feel. And nobody will. The world outside will never notice me. That's why... it was better if I stay here.

"Even though it's fake..?" tanong ni Kuya Seb.

"Yeah. In my world, fakes are what you call real."

"Haha. Really?"

"Tch. I don't care if you are convinced or not, Kuya Sebastian. Basta 'yun ang desisyon ko. No need to convince me to live outside my world again."

"If that's what you wish, Young Master."

"Well..." Bigla kong narinig na kumalam ang sikmura ko. "I-I'm starving. Could you please prepare something for me?"

Nakarinig ako ng bahagyang tawa. "I'm afraid that's not possible, Young Master."

"Eh? Bakit naman? Pinagbawalan ka ba ng Sherry na 'yon na pagsilbihan ako paminsan-minsan?"

"No, no. Actually, I'm driving right now."

"Whoa. I haven't noticed."

"Well, it's because you never paid attention to your surroundings. Can't you hear the sound of—"

"Fine. Fine. Sa'n ba ang punta mo?"

"Pabalik na 'ko ng mansyon."

"Eh 'yun naman pala eh. E di pagbalik mo na lang."

"But I still have some business to attend to."

"May task na naman na ibinigay sa 'yo ang babaeng 'yon?"

"Well, you can say that."

"Geez. Sinasabi ko na nga ba, 'yung Sherry na naman na 'yun ang—"

"No, Young Master. What I'm doing right now is not for Young Lady Sherry's sake."

"Sus. Eh para kanino?"

"Para sa 'yo."

DAHIL hindi ko na talaga kaya, I sneaked outside my haven—my room to go to the kitchen. Buti nga inabot lang ako ng isang oras sa paghahanap dahil para talagang maze itong mansyon. Nakakainis.

I just need to eat something to release me from this bothersome growling stomache. Even a chicken sandwich will suffice kaya sana mer—

Nagbukas ako ng ref. Yes! May sandwich nga! I immediately grab a bite of it then search for a cup of tea. Habang kinukuha ko 'yung nakita kong nakataob na teacup, my terrible past rushed inside my head again, causing me to accidentally drop the teacup I'm holding.

Nabasag ang katahimikan at nagkapira-piraso. Katulad ng baso. Katulad ng pamilya namin. I squatted and reached for the broken pieces—idiotically trying to fix them. But of course, it will never get fixed. It will never be back into its original form. No matter what I do. No matter how I wish it would.

"Oh, shit." Tumingin ako sa isa kong daliri. Pucha. Dumudugo. Aish. Tumulo pa ang dugo du'n sa sahig. Bad trip naman! Tumayo ako at ipinasok ko ang daliri ko sa aking bibig. I sipped the blood from my wounded finger. Geez. This is what happens when I try to get out my room. Makabalik na nga lang.

I left the kitchen with that mess still lying on the floor. Swerte na lang ng makatapak ng mga basag na piraso nu'n. Hah! Magagaya sa isang tulad ko.

Bumalik na 'ko sa kwarto ko pagkalipas ng mahigit isang oras na pagkaligaw. Nahiga ako at itinaas ko ang isa kong palad na tila inaabot ang ceiling. Tapos binaba ko rin ito at pinagmasdan ang daliri ko. Ayan, okay na.

A couple of minutes passed yet I couldn't seem to remove my eyes off my hands. I blinked. Aah. Alam ko na! That stupid girl again. Geez. Bakit ba naalala ko siya 'pag tinitignan ko ang kamay ko?

I don't know how or why... but that girl... even though she touched my hand... hindi ako nagkapantal-pantal. I thought all women will make me break out into hives. But it seems like... she's an exception..? Crap. Pwede ba 'yun?

Napabalikwas ako. That could never happen. Even Sherry could make me allergic. Even those maids. Even—

Teka. Is there a possibility that she's a male?

Heck. Imposibleng maging lalaki 'yun. I could still remember her face. Her long brownish hair na straight ngunit curly ang dulo. Her large eyes. Her thick eyebrows. Her thick lips. Her radiant smile. Her soft skin—

Shit. What the heck am I thinking? Isn't it too detailed? I remembered having a poor memory that's why I'm directionally challenged. Then, how come I—?

Out of no clear reasons, I suddently felt my cheeks turned red. This is insane. A-anong nangyayari sa 'kin? Then the image of that girl smiling sweetly flashed again in my head. Shit, shit, shit! What the hell?! Stupid, ugly woman! Get out of my head!

But no matter what I do, no matter what curse I say, I can't get her out of my head.

Ugh. This is the worst. For a gynophobic and misogynic person like me... to be in this situation... is the worst.

NAGISING ako nang kumalam ang sikmura ko. Shit. Nakatulog pala 'ko kanina. Putek. Alas-dos na? Baka nag-iwan na ng hapunan sa 'kin yung cook na usually nagluluto ng pagkain ko!

I hurriedly get out of my bed to open my door when I've noticed that my room is quite different from its usual set up. Lahat ng libro kong nakakalat, kahit 'yung binato kong libro sa sulok e nakalagay na nang maayos sa bookshelf ko. Fuck. May gumalaw ng gamit ko.

Whoever that person is—he would be dead for sure.

Lumapit ako sa notebook ko, nakasarado na ito e samantalang iniwan ko 'tong nakabukas. I opened it and searched for the missing pages. I'm glad isa lang ang nawawala. The one I ripped at the park before. Whew. Akala k—

May nahagip ang mga mata 'ko. An awful handwriting of someone I would certainly kill for touching my things and dared to write something on my precious notebook!

Hinanap ko ulit ang page na 'yon. It was on page 14, sa ibaba ng tula kong "Lifeless".

Ang lakas ng loob ng fuckshit na it—

You'll never be alone again. Because I'm here.

Napaupo ako sa carpeted na sahig dahil sa gulat sa nabasa ko. Kinuha ko ulit ang notebook na nalaglag ko sa sahig at binasa 'yon ulit. At ulit. At ulit...

You'll never be alone again. Because I'm here.

A fucking tear fell from my eye. And traitorous others followed. I hugged myself like a baby and silently cried.

I was always alone. I believe I was always alone. I was even ready to be alone for the rest of my life and yet... and yet... Little did I know that someone... someone... would actually say that to me. Someone would actually want me out of this solitude.

To that trespasser, whoever you are... fuck you. I never cried for as long as I live and then your piece of shit teared me up? How could I accept that? How?

Seriously, this is an insult. An insult.

The best insult I receive for years. The only insult that made me look like a pitiful person that I am. The only insult that made me laugh while crying and cursing. The only insult that I would treasure in my life... even if this would turn out to be a big lie, I would.

I would.

Chapter 9: To Be Left

Jamie

HOLY crap. I swear I don't feel good about this.

I swallowed hard and knocked three times on Ms. Sherry's door while my heart's knocking uncomfortably inside my chest. Pinatawag niya ko two days after Kuya Seb told me about the 'ghost' inside my Master's room. Akala ko talaga lusot na 'ko. Shit. Mukhang bistado ako. Am I going to be fired kung kelan malapit na 'kong maging ganap na butler? Ugh. If only I sensed that freaking Ice is a scaredy cat, I swear I won't even try stepping my foot inside his room again. Ever.

"Come in. It's open." Masigla at parang masaya (?) ang pagkakasabi niya no'n. And I wonder if that's just what I wanna believe in, the other side of the coin I imaginarily hold onto my hand, as if rejecting the other option which is she's just being sarcastic awhile ago.

I slowly opened the door and went in. I immediately saw her sitting on her bed, her head on the thick pillow and her arms resting on something which looks like a... photo album?

She greeted with me with her usual elegant smile that could make any guy faint (but not me 'cause I'm a fake guy).

"You look good on that outfit!" she said as she motioned me to sit beside her. I awkwardly gave her a smile and said my shy "thanks". I'm quite impressed she noticed my attire today which was one of many mix and matches Kuya Seb taught me. Nanatili ako sa kinatatayuan ko pagkatapos kong isara nang walang ingay ang pinto. Hindi ko kasi alam kung pa'no ko ba siya pakikitunguhan. I mean, she's too kind and sometimes, she treats me like a younger sister (or maybe... brother this time?) which is crossing over the border line of our actual relationship. Maybe I'm not her personal butler but I still need to serve her when she needs my help. Kahit naman sa isang employer-employee relationship, gano'n din, di ba?

You cannot suddenly ask a butler to seat at her Master's sister's bed or any bed in the house aside from his (or in my case, 'her').

"It's okay," sabi niya. "Upo ka sa tabi ko, dali." She sounded so excited and happy. Medyo nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I really thought the reason she called me is about my dismissal. "I'll show you something."

Just as she said, umupo nga ako sa tabi niya. She even asked me to place my head on her pillow (!) and removed my shoes so I can comfortably sit beside her. Then she opened a big velvet book where the words 'Perez Family' embossed into it.

Una niyang pinakita 'yung picture ng mama at papa nila ni Master Ice. Their father was dashing in suit while her mom was as beautiful as her. Nakasuot ito ng puting-puting wedding dress. Buong-buo ang mga ngiti nila sa larawan kung saan nagpakasal sa isang lumang simbahan. It was contagious that I just find myself smiling as well. I could see Ms. Sherry's eyes glitter as she curved her lips.

"How nostalgic," sabi niya as she traced her parents' faces on the picture. I nodded, didn't know what to actually say. Then she moved it to the next page, it was a picture of a cute baby with chubby cheeks and bright smile. That must be her.

"Ang cute ko 'no," she said and we exchanged our small laughs. More pictures of her followed. On different places, different clothes, different ages, but two things were the same on them: it's the happiness in her smiles and the persons whose hands she were holding both sides. Her mom would always be at the left and her dad would always be on her right.

"No matter how busy they are, lagi silang gumagawa ng paraan para makasama 'ko sa mga importanteng okasyon. And we would always take pictures like this. Because that's the beauty of photography: you can capture a moment that cannot possibly happen again." Napansin ko na medyo lumungkot ang tono ng boses ni Ms. Sherry nang ikwento niya 'yon.

Nang ilipat niya ang sumunod na pahina, nakakita ako ng isa na namang baby at sabay kaming natawa kasi nakasimangot ang baby na 'yon. The other pictures of him followed but the look on his face didn't changed.

"Bata pa lang para na siyang may galit sa mundo," hindi ko na napigilang makomento. Natawa si Ms. Sherry sa sinabi ko at ginatungan pa 'yon.

"His pictures never failed to make me laugh." She giggled while clapping her hands. Another evidence that she's not always ladylike. "He often scares the kids his age with his glares and he's easily irritated. Kaya nga trip na trip ko siyang kunan ng picture noon. Kasi laughtrip talaga 'yang si Ice. As in he's the epitome of the word 'pikon'."

"Um... so ibig sabihin po dati na siyang ganyan?" maingat kong sabi sa kanya.

Umiling siya. "No. When we're younger, kahit na mainitin ang ulo no'n, he's still capable of laughing, of being sweet—"

"Being sweet?"

She turned to me and smiled. "His words might be full of trash but his gestures aren't. Naalala ko pa nu'ng dinala kami nina Mom at Dad sa isang amusement park at nahiwalay ako sa kanila, siya 'yung nakahanap sa 'kin. Pinagalitan niya 'ko. And you could imagine how sharp his words were, though hindi kasing lala ng ngayon of course. But after his 'sermon', he wrapped his arms around me and told me these words, "let's go home". That moment I wanted to cry, really pero hindi ko ginawa 'cause I'm older and I was still stubborn that time."

As her voice trailed off, her eyes became reddish tapos naiyak na siya. I watched as the first teardrop fell on Master Ice's picture. A few more tears followed but she immediately wiped it with the back of his hands and smiled at me while sniffing softly.

"Actually nga, nagkakaproblema rin dati ang parents namin sa kanya dahil sa attitude niya but as he grew old, slowly, nauunawaan na namin siya. He's not good in expressing himself." Napapangiti siya habang nagkukwento but those smiles couldn't hide the pain in her heart.

"But I know he treasures our family a lot. Kaya nga nang mawala ang mga magulang namin dahil sa isang car accident, he eventually lost that sweetness hidden inside him. Mas naging aloof siya at ayaw niyang humarap sa mga tao. Ayaw niyang lumabas ng kwarto. Ayaw niyang mag-aral. It's like, when our parents died, his time stopped. His life stopped. His everything stopped.

"Saka ko na lang nalaman nang pinilit ko siyang kausapin sa silid niya na nagkakapantal-pantal siya 'pag hinahawakan siya ng kahit sinong babae. That brought tears in my eyes because before I learned about that talagang naibuhos ko yung galit at sakit ng pagkawala ng mga magulang namin sa kanya. Because I am the older one, I have to shoulder everything that they left and at such a young age, I felt that it was so unfair. Na siya, may kalayaang gawin ang gusto niya. Kung ayaw niyang pumasok, kung ayaw niyang lumabas ng bahay, kung ayaw niyang kumain, hindi siya mapipilit ng kahit sinong katiwala sa mansyon. Samantalang ako, wala. I have no freedom. I have no choice. Beause I have to quickly adapt to the corporate environment na naiwan nila papa sa 'kin.

"Kaya talagang galit na galit ako sa kanya no'n. I slapped his face nu'ng sumagot-sagot siya sa 'kin and ayun nga. That started. He lost himself and started throwing things while scratching his swollen cheeks na nagpapantal-pantal. I immediately brought him at the hospital and... they injected him something to lose his consciousness. And I, as his ate, couldn't do anything but shout his name outside the emergency room and cried my heart out.

"After that day, he never talked to me in person again. If he needs to tell me something, he would call. He doesn't want to see my face anymore. He cannot see me because he might do the same thing again." Bumuntong hininga siya at tumitig sa larawan ng kapatid. "Nobody knows how or why he became someone he didn't want to be. Based on recent studies, there should be a reason why he begins to hate and fear women. All I could think of is our parents' death. Pero... kung iyon ang dahilan, bakit gano'n ang illness niya? Why woman-related?"

"M-may naging close po ba siyang babae dati?"

Umiling siya at malungkot na ngumiti siya. "He never even has the chance to have a friend ever since he was born."

"Wag kang mag-alala, Ms. Sherry, 'pag naging ganap na butler na 'ko, I'll be his first friend." Well, that was the original plan, right?

She looked overwhelmed with gratitude that she couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time. I wrapped my hands around her and rubbed her back.

"Jamie, your existence is such a blessing to me. Thank you."

"Wala po 'yun."

"When times like this comes, I would always stare at this album, because in here, nobody died and nothing changed."

When someone dies, the world changes. Or at least that was what that someone who has been left feels. The sun goes up, and down, and up and down just like the usual but that someone knows it's not. Because everything changes... ever since that day.

And it's easier to realize it when you sit in a corner of your favorite spot inside the house and sip your usual afternoon tea. Because the smell, the taste, the place, the ambiance—will never be the same as before. Because when someone is gone, a piece of our hearts goes with it.

What we're left are memories which like leftovers from another time at another place, long turned into history, but seemed just like yesterday to us.

And no matter how painful it is to remember everything, we're left with no choice, because only in our memories that they seem so alive, so real, and only in our memories they can live forever. And we would always and always be afraid to forget, because forgetting would mean they would have to disappear in our life which was originally from them.

"Nothing in this world is pointless. Sa tingin ko may magandang dahilan kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat."

Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya at tumingin siya sa 'kin. Her face was unreadable. "Jamie, you lost both of your parents as well, right?"

That question froze me. I looked down and pursed my lips.

"I was surprised you can easily say something like that even though you're like us who were already left by our parents," Ms. Sherry said sofly but there's a strange edge in her tone.

Ngumiti ako at tumingin sa kanya. "I—I was just being optimistic. That... that death doesn't always have to be the end of everything for the ones who has been left. That it should to be a beginning. I—I'm just trying to live on... because I bet they don't want me to be depressed about their death. And... it's easier this way..."

Don't make me laugh.

That voice again. I fought the urge to hold my head. It ached like hell again. Shit. Bakit ngayon pa?

Humugot ito nang hininga at sinarado ang malaking photo album na 'yon.

"It's amazing and strange at the same time how some people can just keep on going through their lives carrying a large amount of courage and strength in their hands that most people don't have."

I couldn't believe this freaking lady couldn't understand what I said. Look, I miss my Mom and Dad but that doesn't mean it should be the end of the world for me.

"Ah-sorry," sabay bawi niya. "I've said too much. Pasensiya ka na, na-carried away lang ako." Then she laughed it off as if it was a joked. "And please don't misunderstand me, Jamie—I mean James na pala. I agree with you... it's just that... masyado akong attached sa kanila that sometimes, I would choose to live in the past rather than struggle with my present."

"Someday, you'll find someone... who will make you look forward to each and every day of your life and will even make you forget about the past."

We turned our head at the sound of a familiar voice. The door opened. My headache stopped.

Si Kuya Sebastian!

Maybe it's just my imagination but I saw Ms. Sherry blush when she saw him. He smiled at us (or maybe just at her?) with his usual butler-like smile and bowed his head a little to show his respect. He's carrying a tray with two tea cups on it. I could even smell from a distance the aroma of cinnamon.

"I brought in something you two might need at the moment," sabi niya habang palapit siya sa 'min. Nilapag niya sa bedside table ang mga iyon. "And, Young Lady," he turned to her, "I'm sorry for purposely forgetting to knock before I walked in." He apologized, though his face looked like he was not really sorry.

Nag-pout si Ms. Sherry pero napangiti rin afterwards. "Sus! Sigurado naman akong nag-eavesdrop ka sa usapan namin ni James eh!"

He chuckled. "Why would I do that, Young Lady?"

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms. "D'yan ka magaling! Playing innocent when obviously, you're not!"

Tumawa ulit si Kuya Seb. He seemed amused by Ms. Sherry's reactions. Lumapit pa siya lalo sa 'min. Nu'ng tinignan niya ko medyo ninerbyos ako. There's something about his gaze that I couldn't fathom. It would just... make you look into him more than you should. Magnetic? Is that it? Tch. Shut up, Jamie. Magnetic mo mukha mo.

I tried to smile at him pero nu'ng kinindatan niya 'ko, nablanko na 'ko. Shit. Grabe naman ang powers ng wink niya!

Then he looked at Ms. Sherry again, but his look on her is different from the way he looked at me or at anybody else. There's softness in his eyes and fondness (?) in his smile as he rested his hands on her head and lightly patted it.

"You should seriously stop being adorable in front of your own butler, Young Lady," nakangiting sabi nito matapos niyang ibalik sa likuran niya ang kanyang mga kamay.

"Kapal nito," sabi ni Ms. Sherry, I could see she's blushing. "I-ikaw nga d'yan eh!"

"I guess it's better if you'll keep your mouth shut, Young Lady and drink instead the tea I've prepared before it becomes cold," he said in a teasing yet formal tone.

I'm surprised at this sudden revelation in front of me. I'm not a dimwit for not noticing. The way they look, act, and speak to each other... Ugh. I couldn't believe I could see a blossoming love unfolding in front of my eyes.

Can somebody give me a pain killer? My heart is aching...

FEWS days passed, and after getting a passing grade from Kuya Seb, sinamahan niya na 'ko sa pagkuha ng driver's license. At nalaman kong iisa pala sa mga business ng pamilya ni Ms. Sherry ang driving school kung sa'n hiniram 'yung kotseng ginamit namin sa pagte-train. Iniisip ko tuloy kung anu-ano pa bang mga business ang meron sila. Palagay ko... sa sobrang dami... hindi ko kayang bilangin sa daliri ko.

Then isang buong week akong nag-train na mag-Karate. Halos sumakit ang lahat ng parte ng katawan ko dahil dito. Fuck. Tipong wala na kong oras bumisita sa kwarto ng Master kong aligaga pa rin ata sa 'multo' raw sa kwarto niya pero di naman magawang iwan ito. Ang sabi sa 'kin ni Ms. Sherry, hindi siya magpapatawag ng pari hangga't hindi lumalabas ng kwarto ang kapatid niya. Great idea, right? "Bear with it," kwento niya pang sabi niya kay Master Ice sa telepono. "Ginusto mong maging shut-in, di ba?" Natawa talaga ko do'n though it was a little rude. Well, kailangan din naman kasi niyang lumabas-labas para makalanghap naman siya ng fresh air. "You know I fucking get lost when I go outside," 'yun daw ang bitter na sabi ng Master ko. Tinawanan ito ni Ms. Sherry at sumagot ng, "Then work your ass off and start memorizing places."

Tipong sa gabi, 'pag nakalapat na yung likod ko sa kama, diretso tulog na 'ko. Somehow, na-miss ko tuloy ayusin ang mga palaging nakakalat na libro niya. Na-miss ko rin basahin ang mga melancholic poems niya. Excited pa naman akong mabasa ang reply niya sa sinulat ko sa notebook niya last time (if ever meron man). Nami-miss ko siya— Tch. Theres no fucking way I would.

I don't miss that bastard. I just miss, well, I miss serving him while he's asleep..? Is there even some logic on that sentence? I shrugged my shoulders and let myself fall into a deep sleep.

THEN the day I've been waiting for has finally arrived. Nasa harap ako ng pintuan, waiting for my name to be called. Katabi ko si Kuya Seb na mukhang alerto rin sa mga posibleng mangyari. Judgement day ko kasi 'to. Finally. Whew. Ang tagal kitang hinintay kung alam mo lang!

Once na hindi ako i-approve ni Master Ice bilang butler niya, yari ako. (At yari siya sa 'kin. Chos!) Napalunok ako at nagsimulang kabahan. Shit. Not now. I couldn't afford to be nervous in front of that asshole because he would surely say that I look so unprofessional. Well, I'm not really a graduate of that course but I have been intensively trained by Kuya Seb and other people inside the mansion. And I couldn't put their great efforts into waste. I have to impress him. I have to.

Nagulat ako nang tapikin ako ni Kuya Seb at binigyan niya 'ko ng isang kalmadong ngiti. "Relax, James. You can do it." Nginitian ko siya at masusing nakinig sa pag-uusap nila Ms. Sherry at Master Ice sa loob ng silid.

"Shit! Di ba sinabi ko na sa 'yo na ayokong nakikita 'yang pagmumukha mo? Eh anong ginagawa mo sa kwarto ko? LABAS!"

"Ahh... okay. Aalis na 'ko. Sayang, ipapakilala ko pa naman na sa 'yo 'yung butler mo kaso mukhang... ayaw mo ata—"

"No. Stay. Sana sinasabi mo 'yan nang mas maaga, di ba?!"

Kuya Seb and I hold our laughs. He's hilarious at times that I couldn't help myself but feel glad he is. Kasi dahil sa kanya, unti-unting nawala ang kaba ko.

"Tch. Where's he?"

"Sebby, papasukin mo na si James."

Pagkarinig ko ng go signal mula kay Ms. Sherry ay agad na 'kong pumasok, dala-dala ang confidence na hindi ko alam na meron pala ako. As I opened the door, sinigurado kong tama ang aking posture at nakalagay ang kamay ko sa kanan kong dibdib.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Master Ice," I formally said then slightly bow my head to give my respect to him.

"Tch. 'Yan?" narinig kong komento niya. Napaangat ako ng ulo at biglang kinabahan. Biglang nag-AWOL ang 'confidence' na ipinagmamalaki ko kani-kanina lang.

"Pucha, Sherry. Niloloko mo ba 'ko? How can I accept someone like him to be my butler kung obvious na obvious naman na babae siya?!"

Nanlaki ang mga mata 'ko.

Fucking shit. Don't tell me bistado na agad ako? P-pa'no nangyari 'yon? How come na alam niya ang sikreto ko? Pa'no?!

Paper Sky 1: Ch 1-9/ Ch 10-15

#paper sky #paper sky 1 #baka usagi #usamin

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