#bamfery

[worstandthebeth-blog]

BAMFery Playlist 2015

Hello 2015! I am a bit tardy with getting this New Year ball rolling but I have been up to all sorts of planning and typing elsewhere. The BAMFery Playlist Project shall continue with the hope of expanding it to be a community project. At it's roots it always has been... First by picking out songs by other women that resonate with me, than asking for suggestions, and now I would like to expand my search for songs by inviting folks to send in suggestion and their thoughts on songs. While the initial list was not as log as I intended it came together very naturally and allowed me to frame the New Year with great songs. I plan to update at least once a week, recognizing the importance for leaving space for other things. (This will not be just a playlist blog). Making the BAMFery Community Playlist Project a reality will have to wait until February however because the pace of work is picking up... Just over one week until the NH Rebellion kick off and I am still tacking down details. This will be much easier the next time around. Fingers crossed.

[worstandthebeth-blog]

Angel Haze - Tribe Called Red "Everything you need to know about me is in the music. My home, it's where I originate, it's where I fall apart, it's where I come to life." "Witnessing peace as it pass through my soul - nothing can irritate masses like literally showing them stagnance can turn into growth" "All nonbelievers prepare to be sonned. Not talking Jesus but honest to God I bet I reach my prime before air leaves my lungs" "Said I would give all these lost kids and doubters a reason and purpose to question their lives. Look where I am and then look where I've been - tell me that I ain't destined to win. Never give power to none of you cowards to tell me what you think my destiny is" "I've just be taking my time, slow. Being alone in my mind, flow. Putting the contents of all that's inside me into this shit I'm designed for. Crossover, pivot, I'm back in the game"

[elephantburlesque-blog]

India Arie - Strength, Courage, Wisdom This video makes me miss painting... Crave the coming months when I will have a space for canvases to dry, a corner that a jar of paintbrushes can live in, and the opportunity to remind my hands what living their own lives feels like. "Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun" Today was about space and bumping between things. I am more aware of my misaligned joint rubbing itself back into place, a warm circle itchy in places I cannot scratch. Walking around this house is jostling in the same way... Lots of friction, nothing in the right place, constricted. One is filled with fluid, the other with piles. "Always puttin' off my livin' for tomorrow" I want to hulla-hoop. Have enough space around me that it can swing lazy loops up or down. Feel seamless and not disjointed. Have a place to paint and room for canvases to dry. "Inside my voice, there is a soul And in my soul there is a voice"

[worstandthebeth-blog]

Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl Refocus. Where did this start anyway? Despite being told several times, by several different people, to watch "The Punk Singer" I didn't until the end of this summer when a friend shoved a copy into my hands. After gorging on the story of Kathleen Hanna I realized I was just like a girl in Rhinelander, Wisconsin... I needed to be reminded that girls can sing rock n roll songs. I tuned my cellular radio to punkette and drowned myself in feminine vocal chords for two weeks straight. It was awesome, rejuvenating... I relished in it. Not wanting it to stop the idea for the BAMFery playlist was born. "That girl she holds her head up so high..." Music is dominated by male voices... Male concepts. The process of Kathleen Hanna becoming a true artist (as described by her husband, Beastie Boys Adam Horovitz) was her locking herself in her bedroom to create the Julie Ruin album. What girl didn't sequester herself away to make art projects and poetry and vent? I missed that girl. "Rebel girl rebel girl rebel girl you are the queen of my world" There are moments when I imagine my younger self assessing me as an older person. Do I make her cheery or confused? Is she asking, "who the fuck are you?!" Holding onto yourself is difficult... We change but remain the same. A trait that isn't expressed for a while can rear its head and remind us - hey you like doing this. Maybe these dampened characteristics contribute to "mid-life crises". "Soul sister, blood sister Come and be my best friend, really" The Julie Ruin album and Kathleen Hanna make me want to lock myself away and pour my heart into a project. Try to paste sounds together and be okay with however they end up... And not judge myself. Women have been trained to be the harshest critics, internalize all sorts of doubt and censorship that we each work at undoing every day. I wanted to bathe my soul in the sounds of women screaming themselves back to life... Draw strength and energy from other women to draw back out my own in moments that I feel less than awesome. I almost put "Brass In Pocket" by the Pretenders on the list but a conversation at work reminded me I needed to refocus. There are so many songs that are about getting over someone or impressing someone or being something for someone else. I fuck that noise. That is not what I want to energize my mind. I want women to sing lullabies of healing, screech songs of rejuvenation, whisper words of strength and shout bold truths that change my mental landscape and the environment we grow up in. "I really like you, I really want to be your best friend... Be my rebel girl!"

[worstandthebeth-blog]

Put Your Records On - Corrine Bailey Rae " Three little birds sat on my window. And they told me I don't need to worry." This song came into my life a couple years ago when a friend posted it on my FB wall to console me in a moment of heartache. To me this is a song of strength, rejuvenation, and being able to sit with myself contentedly. " Maybe sometimes we feel afraid, but it's alright..." In high school I can across a beautiful picture of a bitterly crawling from it's cocoon with the words "Change is the essence of life - be willing to surrender what you are for what you can become." I stitched that phrase upon my heart and have run the fingertips of my mind across it's seams for over a decade. When the poster still hung on my wall a close friend shuddered after reading it and stated she hated change. At the time I didn't understand... That change is frightening. Letting go, surrendering to an unknown, can be so overwhelming that it is avoided. The funny thing is change happens with or without your consent. I have always preferred to do the guiding when I can. " When you gonna realize, that you don't even have to try any longer? Do what you want to." Effortlessness. Going in the direction of my dreams feels less burdensome all the time. The challenges in my way don't suddenly disappear but tackling what I need to in order to get to a piece paradise is less daunting. I learn to switch gears by going up hill after hill until it's smooth sailing upwards, slow and steady. When I was a kid I stopped listening to the whispers of my gut, reeled in my imagination and rooted myself in what I thought was life. I am still working my way back to that blissful wonderment of intuitive interactions with the world, slow and steady, but each hill makes the next one easier to climb. " Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow."

[worstandthebeth-blog]

"Come and open up your folding chair next to me" I find it jarring when my wonder at the capabilities of human beings is interrupted by my own inability to do something I think should come naturally. It's frustrating and deflating when I think my body is doing one thing but it really does another. A betrayal. When I pause and cease berating myself I remember it is me who has failed to raise the bar or maintain momentum and that I always have the ability to jump higher each time I set up a new hurdle. "I got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I got a perfect body - 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat" Bodies are incredibly designed. People get so caught up in how they look they forget that how they function is more important. Presentation becomes the focus instead of utilization. While I've certainly fallen prey to preoccupying myself with how I am viewed my overriding concern has been about being able to do the things I want to do. I am getting better at imagining myself doing more and more than anything I have yet to do while working with where I am... Gently reminding myself I am capable but I have to work back into it. Take note of the disconnection and rework the mental bridges back to what I want it to be. If my child self could effortlessly project all that she was out into her vocal chords and facial expressions and movements than certainly I can as well. "I get scared and I'm just sitting here alone dreaming of the dolphin song - Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!" Early November I caught myself barking along like a dolphin in the middle of a department store as this song played, barely audible from the speakers above me. It made me more happy than embarrassed because I hadn't be subconsciously restraining myself. It slipped out of me, effortlessly. What would the world look like if people moved more freely? Twirled their arms while walking into the bank or juggled oranges down the grocery aisles? How would our bodies be different if we weren't trained to sit still so much? What of myself wouldn't have frozen in place? Regina Spektor's music is amazing because of its quirkiness... It relaxes me into a playful mindset of funny noises and skipping and moving my arms. Her keys hammer away at my social pre-conditioning until sometimes I forg-e-e-e-et. This song sounds like Neverland

[worstandthebeth-blog]

"You’re on a different road, I’m in the Milky Way…You want me down on earth, but I am up in space"

Again the plan of listening for the order of my playlist worked out. I wanted an upbeat melody and here it came. I love my life and this song just per-sonic-fies the bam bam whooo-hooo, hyper pumped blast off mood that existing is.

Life is a constant balance of shooting out into the expanses of the universe, relishing in the stars and grounding oneself back to the tangible realities and complexities of earth living.

Today followed up on the lessons of strategic planning and measuring outcomes, this time at work. It is great to learn as I go but sometimes stressful as I think I am exceedingly far behind or unproductive etc… I am my own worst critic.

To make myself meet deadlines and just deal with whatever I have accomplished in a day I am inserting a hard deadline for myself. All updates will be automatically posted by 11.59PM each day… If I am in a lengthy mood and keep saving a draft but neglect to finish it it will be uploaded as is. Snapshots. Be okay with it. Get over perfection… We are what we share and if we share nothing that leaves a lot of emptiness. Something is better than nothing.

"I don’t care! I love it!"

[worstandthebeth-blog]

It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing - Ella Fitzgerald Okay, okay... Technically this is Duke Ellington and Ella was not the first lady to sing it. What is a man's song doing in this list? Being badass. And when this song floats into my mind, as it did this afternoon, it is Ella Fitzgerald's voice I hear. "It makes no difference if it's sweet or hot just give that rhythm everything you got..." Throw yourself into every moment, no matter the outcome. It is only the moments I fail to fully immerse myself in interactions or experiences that I end up regretful. This isn't to say I haven't said or done things I am embarrassed about or would do differently in hindsight, just that being fully present is more important. Blunders happen when inattentive. Give what you have at the moment, do the best you can at the time. For example, I cannot give this post the energy I want... I have had a headache since March 2013 that is manageable most days but right now I want to smack my head against the corner of a wall. I wanted to talk about this song in Swing Kids, how musical historical fiction is one of my favorite film genres, or how I have always wanted to learn swing dancing. even ramble about how it relates to the walk I am doing in January. Instead my mind is preoccupied imagining a spoon scraping out the pain from my skull like the rotten spots of a pumpkin. So I am going to curl into a pillow in a dark room so I can get a little bit of my groove back tomorrow. Because it won't mean a thing if I don't got that swing. Do-ahhp, do-ahhp, do-ahhp....