“I can’t believe we’re packing all of this up. It feels like just yesterday we were unpacking all of it.”
Attina looked around their kitchen, one of the last places they had decided to pack, for obvious reasons. There were boxes everywhere. The movers were coming the next morning and a few days after that, their tickets were booked at Heathrow. It still felt impossible that all of this was happening. And it still scared the shit out of her.
But, she wanted to do it. Even though it was scary and she had no idea if she would succeed. She knew that she needed to at least try. She had already passed up this opportunity once. There was no way she would get it again.
“Is it weird that I’m going to miss this place? We weren’t here very long, but...it’s our first house.”
It had all to do with the death of her father. She had seen it happen in a vision and had gone to Scotland on her birthday to help him pass. It was hard, he admitted to hating her, she felt the boiling emotions deep in her own skin and still she helped him move on.
She felt trapped in the residue of the emotions she had taken from her father so that he could have peace.
And the worse part was that she had to return back to Scotland one more time for all the arrangements of her father’s body. It was why she was currently seated at her kitchen table waiting for Panic to come down. She figured she owed him an explanation. She knew he was probably wondering what was going on with her and if she was going to leave again he deserved to know.
To top it off, her empath abilities have now added being able to see the aura’s of those around her as well as taking away the emotions of others. Sally has been having horrible headaches from all the different colors she has seen in town.
Tea was already all made and once Panic appeared she greeted him with a smile handing him the warm mug of tea.
“It’s freshly made and your favorite flavor. You... have time to talk?”
Spill the Beans *** [Beautiful Demon feat. Attina]
@panicked-nights
Belle hated grocery shopping. On the list of her least favourite chores (and mind you, she liked none of them particularly well), grocery shopping was in the top three, at the very least. Right up there with hoovering/mopping and doing laundry. Okay, well, she didn’t like dishes either, much.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like being clean, of course she did. She just hated how time consuming it all was. Especially now that she was feeding a very picky almost-18-month-old and eating for two (three?) herself, which meant a proper diet and supplements and--
She was already over it. A bit grumpy too. And reading news articles on her phone as she rolled down the aisles, her elbows on the cart, leaning over to take the weight off her lower back, which was already starting to hurt. Great. Obviously, she was not paying attention and her cart knocked right into someone else’s, making her drop her phone. it slid across the floor.
“Bugger,” she grumbled and looked up, eyebrows raising in surprise.
“Percy?” Her phone lay forgotten on the grocery floor.
Attina was so glad that their final tour of the venue where they would be getting married and holding their reception happened to fall directly after the latest town dream. How many more of those bloody things were going to torture her with children that she didn’t have? How many more times was it going to remind her of all that she had lost?
She was, frankly, sick of it and glad to be leaving Swynlake. Once upon a time, she had defended it’s charm and idyllic nature, but it was one heartbreak too many for her. Amelia’s loss rolling back to her like waves, as if she did not dream of her daughter all the time. As if she was over it and needed reminding. She didn’t. What she needed was a bloody vacation.
They had gotten to the venue early. It was a lovely ballroom, with floor to ceiling windows on one side that looked out onto the beach, which they were steps from. It was not a large hall, but the perfect size for their small nuptials. The actual ceremony would be held out on the pier, which they could see from their vantage point.
Attina had her back to the windows, though.
“I was thinking the dance floor could go here,” she pointed to one end of the ballroom. “And the bar would go over there.”
The manager of the venue nodded along as she spoke, taking notes on her clipboard. “I think that should be doable. What about the gift’s table?”
ATTINA:
Attina had cooked a nice salmon and tofu (for the veggies) dinner for everyone. It was almost easier to wrangle everyone now, because there were so few of them. Andrina and Adella were such big presences that dinners felt so small without them. But, she’d already called them both and told them that she was moving. It had been nice to slide into it that way, but they were also the oldest. She had no idea how the rest of her sisters were going to react.
It was nice to have Panic there for moral support. And her dad, of course. Who was aware that tonight was going to be the night.
Attina was not nervous that they were going to be angry with her. She was actually nervous of the opposite. That people would want her to leave. That they would tell her that why did it matter, why was she making a big deal of this?
She waited until the dinner was winding down. One of the sisters actually got up to put her plate up because Attina was procrastinating.
“Wait—“ she barked, when the sister stood. “Uh, please, sit. I, er—we—“ she glanced at Panic. “Have something to tell you.”
Attina took another breath. “PanicandIaremovingtoAustralia.”
AQUATA:
Aquata almost choked on her salmon. “Australia?” she repeated.
This was the thing: Aquata was learning to let go of the idea that all of her sisters would stay in the same place forever. Especially after talking to her at the wedding, Aquata now understood that this wasn’t just a phase for Andy and she probably wasn’t coming back. And even though Adella had gotten the brunt of Aquata’s crisis about the family splitting up, Aquata had eventually made her peace with it.
She maybe expected Tina to leave, eventually, especially since she didn’t have her wedding in Swynlake. But Australia?
She coughed and cleared her throat, her expression going neutral. “That’s a long bloody plane ride.”
ARISTA:
Arista chewed on her tofu, happy to just sit among her family. Dinner nights were always so lovely. It was how they all caught up on things. (Well, at least the ones who were still in town).
Her brows shot up, Aquata had a point. It was a long plane ride. “Australia? Like forever?” Australia seemed pretty permanently away from Swynlake. But she trusted her sister to not make decisions unless she had already thought it over like a million times. “You think you’ll be near where Jake’s from? Maybe he can give you some pointers or teach you slang.” She tilted her head, trying to think back to all the weird things she’d heard her sister’s boyfriend say over the years.
ALANA:
"Australia?!"
To be honest, Alana had a moment of fear. It struck her suddenly and she looked at the dinner table, at the empty seats where Andrina and Adella once sat. She felt something twist in her gut, but then she looked at Tina and that twisting feeling transformed into a swell of pride.
"Ohmigosh that's so great!" she exclaimed. "Wow, more excuses for me to visit."
MELODY:
Well, that was far. Was the first thought as Melody digested the news. She wasn't all that surprised though. Each of the girls were moving on in their own way she wondered who would be next truly.
But this wasn't supposed to be sad. Not at all. "When are you planning on moving?"
PANIC:
Panic watched everyone's reactions grimacing ahead of time almost expecting for it to go terribly. Though it wasn't that bad not yet. "It's a long plane ride for sure but we're planning on getting a big enough place you guys can all visit whenever." Panic offered leaving Tina to answer Arista because really who knew especially with school.
"Toward the end of summer, we need to be there by Late August so we want to settle in a bit."
ATTINA:
Attina hadn't announced something like this since...well, since her pregnancy. And she'd done that one on one, because as much as she insisted on these dinners and everyone sharing their lives with each other, she always found it a little overwhelming to be the focus of the attention.
It was nice to have Panic there to help her, because she was trying to untangle her tongue while all her sisters and cousin stared at her. She knew it must be shocking and probably felt like it was coming out of left field and she felt herself about to word vomit everywhere a bunch of excuses.
Panic corralled everyone first and Attina shot him a grateful look before nodding.
"Yes, late summer. I will, uhm, I'm--I accepted an PhD studies offer at the National Australia University in Canberra for Marine Biology. It's not near Jake's, unfortunately." She had already looked that up, because of course she knew where her sister's boyfriend was from. "But, I'm sure he can give us plenty of pointers."
AQUATA:
Aquata was stunned.
Andy had always been a loose cannon. Adella had always wanted to get out of Swynlake from the beginning. But Tina? Tina, who basically ran Whosits and Whatsits, who went to every community event, who had a house here and friends and, okay, probably a lot of bad memories too, but who seemed more a part of Swynlake than anyone else?
It was like one of those moments when you were a kid and realized the teacher didn’t sleep at school. Attina had her own life. But.... Australia was really far.
Aquata didn’t really know what to say. She didn’t want to make a scene, or be the unsupportive one (again). But for someone who liked plans and routines, who liked being able to keep track of everyone, it was a lot to process.
“Congrats, Tina, that’s cool,” Aquata said flatly. She needed to go for a swim. She looked at Panic and smirked. Humor was a little easier than being sincere. “Better be a mansion. I’m not getting on a twenty-hour flight for any old cottage. Or maybe I’ll just swim there. Probably faster.”
Aquata made a face to show she was joking, because she didn’t want to freak Attina out, but honestly, it did sound like a fun idea.
ALANA:
Alana was still processing this. First Andrina had left, which seemed like a given and honestly, Lana had been surprised it hadn't happened sooner. She missed Andrina so much, her absence like a loose tooth she kept on prodding with her tongue. Adella had left second, which hadn't been a surprise either; she'd already left once the first time and she'd never wanted to stay in Swynlake. She had big dreams and a little town in England didn't exactly lend itself to them.
And now Attina --
Maybe this had been coming from the beginning. Maybe Attina dreamed of things too, dreamed of the ocean and helping save it. Maybe it was obligation that had kept her trapped in Swynlake, that obligation growing into fear and spreading across the rest of them. Maybe that's why Andrina had broken away, why Adella had always dreamed of bigger things. Maybe it all went back to Attina and the fact that she had stayed in the first place, instead of leaving.
Alana always wondered why she was working in a shoppe when she had a Master's degree.
Alana didn't know what she'd do without her big sister. It was one thing for Andrina and Adella to go off -- but Attina?
She wasn't sure where to look. Looking at Attina might make her cry. Looking at Aquata might make her scared. So she looked at Arista, who was soft and smiling and with a deep breath, Lana tried to relax herself.
(She wondered, briefly, if she would ever leave Swynlake; she'd thought about it a lot as a teenager but now... well with her own place and her own life separate from the legacy of her family, it didn't really bother her as much. She wondered, out of all of them, who would go and who would remain).
"Oh my gosh, do you have a new place picked out already?" asked Alana. "Is it by the beach? Please tell me it's by the beach."
ARISTA:
Arista, of course, was sad to see any of her sisters go. But she knew they all had to do some exploring of their own some time. She had left for a time to find perspective and where her music came from. Andy had left to grow and spread herself far and wide so she could experience everything the world had to offer. Adella had dreams that were outside of Swynlake. And so while she had been sad for those instances, she was happy for them because she knew they were becoming who they wanted to be most in the world.
And though the sadness over Tina hit her heart particularly hard as Tina had been the most patient and the most kind to her growing up (they of course were not without their fights as seen over the last couple years) but Arista knew that Tina had put a lot on hold and been through so much in town that it only made sense that she too at some point would want to find something different out there. And that didn’t mean they were losing her. They were just gaining distance while she became an even brighter version of herself.
She looked between her sisters, they all has their respective reactions but one thing was clear, they loved their sister and wanted to see her happy in their own ways.
She smiled softly, her voice matched her smile as she looked at her eldest sister, “I think you really deserve this, Teens.”
MELODY:
Melody sighed softly but nodded, this was good. The degree was amazing. And it would be good for Attina and Panic, she was sure of it. Or at least she hoped. Just like she hoped all the others girls were happier doing whatever it was they were doing right now.
It felt lonely in a way, seeing everyone move on but making her life more steady here. Would she be like them too one day? Would the rest of the Triton's be like that?
"Congrats Tina. That's going to be such a cool program. " None the less Melody would take each day by day and today was Tina and Panic's day.
PANIC:
Panic nodded giving the girls all a smile, a brief glance over to JEFF too. "We'll be near the water and no little cottage don't worry. Though maybe not a mansion big." Panic grinned with a raised eyebrow in Aquata's direction.
"Enough room and good scenery, it'll be worth the flight." Reaching over Panic gave Tina's hand a small squeeze. This was going a lot better than expected and part of him wondered if it was because some of the others girls had left. Strangely enough this was more common than you would first think.
ATTINA:
No one was yelling. Everyone was smiling--some more reserved than others. The air was a little stilted, awkward, and nervous, but...no one was yelling. That let Attina know, more than anything else, that this was the right decision. She had let out the breath she was holding and managed a tentative smile herself.
There were little tears shining in the corner of her eyes, but she nodded, squeezing Panic's hand back when he reached for her.
"Yes, of course. You are all welcome to visit, at any time. And we'll all FaceTime and text. It will be like I'm not really gone at all."
"We'll miss you too, Tiny, but don't worry. You're going to do brilliantly," Daddy said, reaching over to squeeze Attina's shoulder. She smiled over at him. "Your mum would be proud."
"Daddy," Attina said, those tears trembling--much more closer to falling. "You must promise to keep me informed of everything. I'll miss you all so much."
They had an appointment at the Blue Oven for cake taste testing. At first, Attina had been hesitant to do so. It felt so real, taking this step. Even finalizing the guest list didn’t feel as real as this, because the cake was something that could melt on her tongue. She’d be able to feel it, taste it. It wasn’t an electronic save the date that had been sent out.
There was also the part of her that wanted to bake her wedding cake herself. It had taken several people to talk her out of that. It would be too much work, on top of planning everything else. And didn’t she want to relax on her wedding day? (Ha, fat chance of that happening.)
But, no, everyone was right. It was best to leave this to the professionals. Especially with Attina’s need for everything to be perfect. They were just choosing a flavor today anyway. The colour scheme hadn’t even been chosen yet, so it was impossible to discuss what kind of cake aesthetic wise they wanted. Still, she came armed with her (large) wedding binder and sat, fiddling with the corner as the trays of wedding cake slices were laid out in front of them.
“Here,” she said, handing Panic a pen and pencil and notepad and then opening up her binder and flipping to the cake section. “We’ll rate each one 1-5 by overall flavor, moistness, uniqueness...can you think of any other categories?”
Attina did not think she was the only one with the idea to make this Christmas go off without a hitch, but she did think that she was the only one actually capable of it. And this was for one, very important reason: the most important part of Christmas was the food. Gathering with family, too, of course--but the food could make or break such a thing. It was food that everyone gathered around. It was food that made you feel warm and happy and grateful.
So, Christmas morning she and Panic had awoken early, exchanged their own gifts quietly, gathered up the things they had made in advanced (mostly the various desserts and the most important part: the main course), and headed over to the Triton House.
Clicking on the radio, so that Christmas music played soft and low through the kitchen, Attina reached up to tie her hair back.
“Alright: salmon and dill sauce, potato and leek soup, roasted parsnips, mashed potatoes, toasted brussel sprouts, cranberry relish, braised red cabbage...where do we want to start, Chef?” She raised her eyebrows in Panic’s direction.
Attina was good at many things. She was good at cooking and baking, she was good at knitting, at cleaning, at singing, at doing someone’s hair, and, once upon a time, she had been good at being a big sister and a daughter and a fiancée.
Attina was good at many things, but what Attina was best at was avoiding the hard things. She did not know if she had always been good at this, but it had simply become necessity, then a habit, then part of her character. It was like vines wrapped so firmly around her, she couldn’t untangle them. Even if she tried. And she was trying.
She tried with her sisters first. Little by little. It wasn’t so much that she stopped avoiding the things that she was feeling, but she stopped avoiding them. Stopped walking on egg shells. Stopped treating them like they were Andrina, and that they hated her.
It was going alright, but there was still this wound that made her feel as if she was lagging, limping along.
That wound had a name: Panic.
She tried not to miss him. To avoid the missing, but she couldn’t. It was a wound that couldn’t heal, because it wasn’t supposed to be a wound in the first place. She still kept her ring on her finger, still referred to him as her fiancé. They still had a house together. They still had a child together.
So, here she was, at Sally’s door, in an attempt to mend the largest wound of all. She didn’t know if she would succeed, or what she would say, but she did know how to try--even if she wouldn’t be any good at it.
Her heart was in her throat as she knocked on the door, hoping that it wouldn’t be Sally that answered.
It wasn’t.
Attina blinked, swallowed, and then tried to smile, just a little when Panic appeared in the doorway. “Hi,” she greeted him softly. “May I come in?”
