Brave Enough (To Break Your Own Heart) - Chapter 4
Jack makes a late night visit to David’s dorm.
Masterpost
Jack wouldn’t admit that his heart skipped a beat whenever David’s name showed up on his phone screen but Jack isn’t the best at being honest about his feelings. Crutchie always shot him a look when he caught Jack grinning as he typed out a message but he never said anything. Just enough of a look so Jack was reminded that nothing gets past Crutchie.
They texted frequently and they texted about everything. Well, not everything. Jack made it a point to not mention the nature of their relationship. But still, they were constantly chatting about anything and everything; favorite movies, childhood anecdotes, David’s siblings, Jack’s friends.
Jack typically initiated the conversations, sending David a random question or jumping straight into a recount of something stupid his friends are doing. To the untrained eye their conversations would not seem out of the ordinary, there was nothing unusual about two guys debating pizza toppings or which sitcom is best, but Jack knew that this was different than his conversations with his other friends and he had a sneaking suspicion that David could tell.
First of all, Jack could count on one hand the amount of times in the past 6 months he’d texted his friends individually. He had a thread constantly going with Crutchie but that’s different, Crutchie was his best friend and roommate, the rest of their friends didn’t need to help coordinate when they’re doing their laundry or when they needed a little privacy in the room.
Jack was a huge advocate for group chats. He was constantly active, telling his friends about his day, teasing Race for spending so much time with his boyfriend, planning late night trips to go get cookies.
But not with David. He would text David for hours, not needing anybody else to take part in their conversations. It was easy to talk to him, to tell him anything. And, of course, he didn’t want any of his friends to know about David. He wouldn’t admit it, especially not to David, but he knew that David knew.
Then, there was the matter of why they talked so much. Jack basically texted David everytime he thought about him. If you took a look at their message history you’d be able to tell that David crossed his mind a lot. He wasn’t in denial that he was attracted to David or anything but that didn’t mean he was okay with having a boyfriend or coming out. So, he redirected his emotions. If he couldn’t stop thinking about David’s soft lips or his perfect curly hair he’d send him a text, a simple “What’s your favorite ice cream?” or “How was your English exam?” and just like that he was focused on their conversation rather than how amazing it felt to have his body pressed against David’s.
It didn’t necessarily work, Jack still thought about David in a more than platonic friendly conversation way. But he couldn’t risk developing romantic feelings for David. He could deal with a friendship and he could deal with a physical attraction, so that’s what he kept it as. His thoughts were full of flashing images of David’s lips on his and his hands grasping his hips but his words were simple.
Tonight, he was texting David about an essay David had just finished for his World Affairs class. It was a big assignment, apparently, something that David needed a good grade on. Jack could tell he was tense over the tone of his messages alone. He had been stressed for days and Jack assumed he would feel better after he pressed submit but apparently David didn’t work that way.
So, Jack was sat on his bed, leaning against his pillows and the wall, attempting to distract David with a cavalcade of messages. Crutchie had been asleep for hours and if it was any other night Jack would have been too. It was just different with David.
He was expecting to keep texting David until he fell asleep or David was sufficiently distracted. He wasn’t expecting the next text he received.
David: I can’t believe I’m asking you this at 2 in the morning.
David: Can you come over?
Jack: on my way
Jack got out of bed and pulled on a hoodie, thankful that Crutchie was already asleep. It would be hard to explain that he was going out at 2:00 to meet a guy. He slid his student ID into his pocket and was out the door.
He didn’t know what he was expecting from his late night journey and he hardly had the time or mental capacity to think about it. Jack had been just barely awake throughout the conversation but he didn’t want to go to sleep while he still held David’s attention.
The walk to David’s room was short and the door opened almost immediately after Jack knocked.
Jack knew he didn’t look great, with his hair not done and his pyjama pants on but David, David looked rough. His eyes looked tired and his face was pale. His hair was sticking up in the back and he was still wearing his clothes from the day despite the hour.
“Davey, you okay?” Jack asked as he stepped into David’s dorm.
David didn’t answer, he just let himself fall into Jack’’s arms, head slumped onto his shoulder.
So, Jack held him. He kicked the door shut behind him and stood in David’s room, David slumped in his arms and held him.
“That fucking essay,” David mumbled into Jack’s neck.
“You already turned it in, what’s the problem?” Jack carded his fingers through David’s hair.
David didn’t answer right away. Jack wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t know what the problem was or if he was just distracted and not talkative. He assumed it was the latter, David always seemed to know what to say. Instead, he hummed in appreciation as Jack scratched at his scalp.
“You did turn it in, right? Wasn’t it due at midnight?” Jack questioned, second guessing why David was stressed.
“Yeah,” David stood up straight and rubbed his eyes. “I did. But that just means that I can’t edit it anymore and I keep thinking of things I should have said and I actually had this great idea where if I reformat the opening paragraph and I-”
“Davey, you turned it in. Now you get to forget about it.”
“I need this grade, Jack. I need to do well in this class. I can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist.”
Jack doesn’t know David well but he could tell that there was no talking him down from this. “What can I do for you, then?”
“I guess,” David flopped backwards onto his bed. “I guess I just need a distraction.”
“I can do that.” Jack joined David on the bed and was quick to begin kissing him. This was the kind of thing he expected when he got invited to someone’s dorm at two in the morning. Granted, it had always been a girl’s dorm but still, he knew what he was doing. He was surprisingly comfortable here, on David’s bed. Something about the late hour and the empty room pulled him from the possibility of a spiral of self double. And David, David was always a comforting presence.
As Jack moved to straddle David’s hips and escalate the kiss David pressed a hand to Jack’s chest, keeping some distance between them.
“You okay, Davey?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
So, Jack shrugged off David’s hesitation and kissed him again, this time only lasting a minute before David pushed him away for real.
“Sorry.”
“You’re fine. What’s up?” Sure, Jack was confused but he’s not an asshole.
“I guess I just don’t need that kind of distraction right now.”
“Oh, okay? What else can I do for you then?” Jack asked because he genuinely wanted to help David but also because he genuinely didn’t understand why else he would be in David’s dorm past midnight.
Jack moved so he was sitting next to David, back against the wall. David, still lying flat on his bed, pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before answering.
“Can we watch a movie or something? I need to get my mind off my essay but my head isn’t clear enough for, for that.” He gestured toward Jack.
Of all the things David could have said, that was probably what Jack was least prepared for. But for some reason he couldn’t say no.
“Yeah, whatever you need,” Jack said, suddenly feeling alone in the emptiness of the room. The bed was too big, the sound of the fan on David’s desk was too loud, the fluorescent lights were too bright.
David had his laptop sat on a pillow next to him on the bed and patted the space next to him on the bed. Jack moved there but somehow felt more uncomfortable in this horizontal position with David than he had in their previous. It was intimate, and not on a physical level.
“I have Netflix and Disney+, take your pick.” David opened his browser. His voice brought Jack back to reality.
“Disney. Disney is always better for comfort.” Jack nodded.
“Disney makes the saddest movies ever but okay, whatever you say.”
“Well, as long as we don’t play Up we’ll be okay.”
David moved his gaze from his laptop screen to Jack.
“You’re not saying that Up is the saddest Disney movie, are you? Please say you’re not.”
“Of course I am. Please, Davey, name one Disney movie that’s more sad than Up. I dare you.” Jack defended.
“The Lion King for starters, I don’t even think I need to name any more.” David said.
“Nope. You’re wrong. Straight up incorrect.” Jack shook his head.
“I bet you’re the type to cry at movies and I bet you’d cry harder at Lion King. You’re just in denial.”
“Well then, Davey, I guess we’ll have to watch and see.”
It wasn’t until after David started playing The Lion King and settled himself into Jack’s chest that Jack had realized what he’d done. He accidentally agreed to spend a minimum of four hours with David, doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. It was intimate and, quite frankly, it was terrifying. But David was on his chest humming along to the music and for some reason, it didn’t seem so scary anymore.
“This is a downer, man. You’re right,” Jack spoke up about an hour into the movie. There was no answer from David, though. His breathing was steady and his eyes were shut. Jack didn’t know how long he had been asleep but he seemed to be past the point of dozing.
Jack shut David’s laptop, trying not to jostle David and settled into bed. The night didn’t go as planned but David was asleep and not stressing over his paper so Jack counted it as a win.
Brave Enough (to Break Your Own Heart) - Chapter 3
David goes to class and doesn’t think about Jack, he really doesn’t. Spot would disagree.
Masterpost
David wasn’t late for his class but it was a close call. It was a microeconomics class required for David’s political science major and Spot’s pre-law track, he and Spot sat together toward the back of the large lecture hall. He always beat Spot there. Coming from a low-income family he learned that he had to take advantage of all opportunities presented to him and that included his classes.
Today, however, Spot was already seated when David arrived.
Spot was David’s best friend. They were an unlikely pair, an unassuming Jewish nerd who spent his nights watching documentaries and texting his sister and a loud muscular guy from Staten Island who wasn’t a stranger to a fight. They complimented each other. Spot encouraged David to get out more, which was easy as he typically hosted weekend parties, and David rarely had weekend plans. David helped Spot stay level headed, not rushing into unnecessary conflict. They met in a stats class during their freshman year and were fast friends. They’re unconventional but David wouldn’t change it for the world.
“Hey,” David greeted as he placed his bag down by his seat and sat down.
“You’re late,” Spot didn’t look up from his phone as he spoke to David. It would seem rude to anyone else but he and David were close enough that David was used to it.
“Class doesn’t start for another two minutes. The professor isn’t even here yet.” David brushed Spot’s acquisitions away.
“Let me rephrase,” Spot locked his phone and placed it on the desk attached to his seat, “You’re later than me.”
“Yeah, I lost track of time, I guess.” David busied himself with getting his laptop out of his bag in hopes that the conversation would end there.
“Losing track of time? That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Spot. That’s what happened.” David hated that Spot knew him so well, too well that he couldn’t accept his flimsy excuse.
Thankfully, the professor entered the lecture hall and began the class, stalling Spot and David’s conversation. David opened a new document and began typing notes, careful to take down all useful information. He didn’t want to let Jack distract him but it was hard to focus on supply and demand when his mind would much rather focus on remembering the feel of Jack’s lips on his or the sounds Jack made when he tugged his hair.
David’s phone buzzed in his pocket, bringing him back to reality, he hadn’t realized that his fingers had stopped moving across his keyboard or that none of the professor’s words were actually making their way into his brain. He took his phone from his pocket and read the message.
Jack: hey i’m heading out have a good class
David pretended that it didn’t hurt. They weren’t in a relationship and it seemed that they weren’t ever going to be. Jack just needed someone to turn to to help figure himself out and David was that someone. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at Spot’s party and he wasn’t looking for a relationship when he invited Jack to his dorm. He was just looking out for Jack, someone had to.
He knew what Spot would say if he told him about his situation. He would tell him to stop putting other people above himself and that Jack isn’t entitled to David, not his body, and not his emotions. He could hear it in Spot’s voice and he could see his face when he said it, which is exactly why he ignored the questioning glances Spot shot his way.
He didn’t respond to Jack’s text. He didn’t have to. Jack wasn’t sticking around because they weren’t together and he had no reason to say.
He typed out a quick note about some graphic presented on the professor’s screen but he couldn’t be bothered to listen to the rest of the lesson. His mind was occupied by Jack, his soft lips and huge grin. Jack’s questioning glances and hesitant sentences. Jack leaving. Jack not being out, not knowing who he is.
Just because David wanted to help Jack figure out his identity doesn’t mean he should sit around and let Jack play with his feelings.
He didn’t notice when class ended, everyone packing their things away and leaving the building.
“Dave, you with us?” Spot waved a hand in front of David’s face.
“Yeah.” David blinked himself back to reality. “Yeah, sorry.” He looked at the mostly empty document open on his laptop screen. “Can you send me your notes from today?”
“Already did. What’s up with you?” Spot knocked David’s shoulder with his fist, a questioning version of a playful punch, one of Spot’s only ways to show affection or concern.
“Just tired, I guess.” David packed his things into his bag and stood. “Wanna grab a coffee?”
“I’m always down to get coffee but I really don’t think that caffeine's gonna solve your situation.”
Spot had a habit of knowing too much.
“The whole point of caffeine is to make you not tired anymore.” David stuck to his “just tired” excuse.
“Right, and you’re totally just a little bit sleepy.” Spot held the door open for David as they left the business building, heading for a Starbucks across campus. “Same way you disappeared at the party because you were tired.”
David said nothing, he had nothing to say.
“Yet somehow,” Spot continued, “You were totally awake when me and Race came upstairs. Totally awake and shirtless, not the usual ‘I’m just too tired to party’ look.”
“Spot, come on. I said it’s nothing.”
It wouldn’t be fair to Jack to tell Spot about what happened. What was happening. Jack wasn’t out and the last thing he needed would be for David to start babbling to his friends.
“I know that’s what you said. I’m just saying you’re full of shit, Jacobs.”
“I’m not gonna argue with you, Spot.” They arrived at Starbucks and got in line.
“I wasn’t expecting you to. You’re too smart to get into an argument you can’t win.”
To an outsider, it would seem that they were tense or that things were weird between them like they were fighting but Spot ordered and paid for both of their drinks and they didn’t bring up the topic of David’s distraction again. David told Spot about his plans to go home for an upcoming long weekend and Spot told David about something stupid that Race did, a topic that never got exhausted.
Things were normal, David drank his coffee, spent time with his best friend, and, most importantly, he didn’t think about Jack.
They finished their coffees and Spot asked if David wanted to come back to his house but David declined. Spot’s house was a blessing and a curse. David used a randomized selection process for his dorm and ended up in a single which is amazing when he needed to get work done or when he wanted to put whatever he wanted on TV and not have to worry about a roommate. Or when he invites a guy who isn’t out over and they make out on his bed, but that isn’t relevant right now.
But it gets lonely to stay in his room by himself, that’s where Spot’s house comes in. Spot and three friends rented a shitty house about a 5-minute walk from campus. David likes Spot’s roommates well enough and can always go there if he wants to spend time with people or if he wants to escape from the school environment for a little while. When Race and Spot started dating and Spot basically moved into Race’s room David spent even more time over there, taking advantage of the empty bed. They considered getting another roommate to split the rent even more but they had a good situation going on and didn’t want to mess with it, much to David’s delight.
David didn’t usually bring guys to “his” room during parties but it was good to have the option.
But right now, David had to get an essay done for his World Affairs class and there is absolutely no way he would be able to get a single thought out at Spot’s house. So, they parted and David went back to his dorm.
He had been doing such a good job not thinking about Jack. He was caffeinated and ready to work, sat at his desk in front of his laptop. This essay was a large portion of his grade; his professor was infamous for being a tough grader. But his eyes drifted to his usually made bed, to the messed up blankets and the pillows shoved out of place. He thought about how mere hours before he had Jack pressed down there, his tongue in his mouth and hands all over his body.
He fixed his blankets and adjusted his pillows until his bed showed no signs of the day’s earlier events. He sat back down and got to work.
Brave Enough (to Break Your Own Heart) - Chapter 2
Jack reaches out to Davey a few days after the party
Masterpost
Jack returned from his art history class with a headache like he’d never had before. He wasn’t hungover, he hadn’t been drinking since Saturday at the party. The party where he met David. David, who he hasn’t stopped thinking about but also hasn’t texted.
He was probably just stressed. He would tell himself he was stressed about school, about the essay he had to write by Friday and by the sketches he needed to finish, but he knew deep down that wasn’t the case.
He was stressed about himself, his life. His identity.
He wasn’t straight and it was terrifying.
And constantly thinking about a guy he hooked up with isn’t helping his fear, his worries.
But ignoring it wouldn’t help either. Quickly, before he could stop himself, he opened his texts to David.
Jack: are you doing anything right now?
David: Not until my class at 2:00? What’s up?
Jack didn’t know the answer to that seemingly simple question. He wanted to see David, obviously, but he didn’t want his friends to know who he was with and therefore why they were together. He didn’t want to go out somewhere because it would be a date and that definitely wasn’t what he was looking for.
Jack: oh god i dont even know im sorry. im just stressed and i wanna figure shit out but idk how
David: Can I help with anything?
Jack: i wanted to see you i guess
David: Okay, do you still want to?
The fact that David was being so understanding wasn’t helping Jack’s guilt. His guilt that he wanted to see David but not be seen with David.
Jack: yeah.
David: And I’m free so what’s the problem?
David: Are you afraid of your friends knowing and asking questions?
Jack: it sounds bad
David: Nobody’s blaming you.
David: I’m in a single, do you want to come over?
Jack: yes please
Jack didn’t feel good about wanting to hide but he would feel even worse about seeing his friends while he was with David and having to either tell them or get caught in a lie if he chose to hide the truth.
David sent his room number and Jack didn’t hesitate in leaving his room to go to David’s, thankful that Crutchie was still in class and therefore unable to ask where he was going. The walk was short, leaving Jack without enough time to overthink his actions, thank God. He knew that he would find far too many flaws in his situation if he took the time to mull it over.
He did, however, pause outside David’s door for a while before he could bring himself to knock. He just stood there, staring at the fall-themed name card on his door, no doubt put there by his RA.
Maybe he should just go, he thought. David was out and secure in his identity, he shouldn’t be burdened by Jack’s identity or lack thereof.
But, still, David was the one who invited Jack over, the one who asks questions and supports Jack.
He knocked.
David opened the door with a smile kind enough to knock any hesitant thoughts from Jack’s head.
“Hey, Jack.” David stepped aside, allowing Jack to enter before shutting the door behind him.
Jack wasn’t expecting to make it this far and he didn’t know how to proceed. He lingered in the center of David’s tiny dorm room, just standing there. He didn’t know where to sit, what to say. It wasn’t often that Jack was left with no words on his tongue.
It seems like David realized Jack’s hesitation because he guided Jack by the shoulder as he walked to his bed. They sat against the wall, treating the bed like a couch, as you must in a dorm with minimal furniture. Their shoulders were touching but Jack wanted more contact, he just didn’t know what was allowed.
He realized he still hadn’t spoken.
“Hey.” It came out quieter than he was expecting.
“What are you thinking?” David asked.
Jack knocked his head back against the wall, exasperated. He wanted to say he didn’t know again, it felt like the most convenient answer.
“Too much,” he answered.
David didn’t respond, instead opting to take Jack’s hand in support and hopes he’ll continue, elaborate.
“I’m frustrated,” Jack continued.
“About what?”
“That I have to deal with this bullshit. Not you, obviously. You aren’t bullshit. But like, two weeks ago I wouldn’t have even thought about not being straight. But now, now I have to like figure myself out and I got all this emotion and whatever and I can't just get rid of it.” Jack moved his other hand to their joined hands, fidgeting with David’s fingers as he spoke.
“What happened two weeks ago?” asked David, tone steady. Jack was almost annoyed by how collected he was while he himself could barely string a sentence together.
“I kissed some guy at a party. That’s the stupid shit I do when I get drunk that I was talking about.”
“So you mean to tell me that I’m not your big sexual awakening? What a scam.” David joked, knocking their shoulders together playfully.
Jack rolled his eyes. “Trust me I was a lot less drunk with you and I did a whole lot more with you. You can take credit for the crisis.”
“Good, something for me to be proud of.” David paused for a few beats before he continued speaking. “What do you need now?”
Jack knew he should say something along the lines of “talking it out” or “dealing with his emotions” or whatever, but that wouldn’t be the truth.
“I could go for a distraction.”
“I can help with that.”
Jack turned his head toward David to kiss him, hesitantly at first, this being the first time he’s kissed a guy with no alcohol in his system. It didn’t take long for him to warm up to the idea, though, and soon he was turned so he was sitting on his knees in order to face David completely. David’s hand moved to Jack’s hair and Jack would do anything to not have to admit how much he liked it. His mouth dropped open as David gave a slight tug. He opened his eyes to look at David and he had no right looking that sexy, smirking knowingly with his fingers still clutching Jack’s hair.
“Yeah, a distraction was definitely the right move,” Jack said through a smile.
David put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and pressed him down, onto the mattress.
Things moved much slower this time. The added conversation and the vastly different environment striped them of the fast paced urgency from the party. Once Jack was flat on the bed David opted to lie next to him rather than on top of him, leaving the heat to build slowly, rising with their heartbeats.
Jack couldn’t tell you how long they stayed like that; lying on David’s bed, making out and constantly pulling each other closer until they needed to break away to breathe. Could be minutes, could be hours, it made no difference to him.
At some point Jack ended up flat against the mattress, not turned to face David, and David was hovering over him. He wasn’t quite on top of him, his shoulders turned to Jack while his legs stayed by his side. It was at this point where things started to escalate, but also this point where David pushed Jack back slightly, Jack attempted to chase David’s lips back up, not wanting to break the kiss but he was unable to. David’s hand on Jack’s chest kept him in his place.
He wasn’t actually holding him back but Jack got the hint. He let his head fall back against the pillow and he pressed his eyes shut.
“You really like stoppin’ us, huh Davey?” Jack tried to not sound too frustrated.
“Again, it’s not that I want to stop but we have to. I told you I have class at 2:00.”
“Skip it.”
David laughed but Jack wasn’t joking.
Jack pulled David back to him with an arm around his shoulders and David gave in for a little while. Jack tried to pick up where they left off, sitting up a little from the bed in order to get even closer to David and catching his bottom lip in a quick teasing bite. The sound David made suggested that he would rather stay with Jack than go to class but he broke the kiss once again, anyway.
“I really have to go.” David stood up and adjusted his clothes, his shirt was askew from Jack tugging at it and his pants were uncomfortable for an entirely different reason.
“Come on, Davey.” Jack was lying back and propping himself up on his elbows. David glanced back at Jack but quickly turned away again, moving toward his wardrobe to get a jacket.
“No, you have to stop sounding so desperate and looking so hot because then I’d actually stay.”
“Well good, that’s what I’m aiming for.” Jack countered.
“I’m gonna be late.” David walked to his door but turned back to Jack. “You can go or you can stay, it’s up to you. Class ends at 3:30.”
And then he was gone, leaving Jack alone and wanting on his bed. Jack wanted to stay, to be there when David got back, but he couldn’t. It was too intimate.
He checked his texts and refreshed Instagram, killing time while he gained some composure. Eventually, he stood and gathered his things and left David’s room. He sent David a text as a formality but it felt like it was too much. Too much like they were together instead of hooking up. He put his phone on silent and began the walk back to his own room.
Brave Enough (to Break Your Own Heart) - Chapter 1
Jack wasn't expecting to fall for a guy, especially a guy like David. But he did and he's going to have to deal with that.
or
Jack struggles with his sexuality and David is there to help him though it.
Javid College AU
Masterpost
To say the music at the party was loud would be an understatement. It was the kind of loud that you couldn’t even hear yourself speak, the kind of loud where it was obvious that people weren’t expected to be talking. Jack was standing against a wall, out of the action, nursing some mysterious drink in his cup. It didn’t taste good but it was alcoholic and that was all he needed.
Jack wasn’t a stranger to parties. He liked to let loose, get tipsy, and have fun. He would usually hook up with some girl who seemed nice enough and get dragged back to his dorm by Crutchie. Then, the next weekend, he’d do it all over again.
Tonight, he was hesitant. Last weekend he followed the “let loose” and “get tipsy” steps perfectly, but the “hook up with some girl” portion didn’t go as planned. Okay, maybe he was closer to drunk than tipsy and that was what caused it. He wasn’t thinking straight. Instead of finding a girl to hook up with, all soft lips and swaying hips, it was a boy. A boy who he didn’t recognize and wouldn’t be able to recall but definitely a boy. If anyone asked he’d say he was too drunk to remember, that he didn’t have any memories after his third refill. But he was there for all of it. He remembered the strong biceps under his palms and the stubble tickling his chin. He was definitely making out with a man and he definitely didn’t hate it.
Jack was straight, he’d always been straight. He never even considered being anything but heterosexual. He had girlfriends, he was attracted to girls, why push farther? Apparently, Drunk Jack didn’t have the same mindset. He made out with a guy until his lips were swollen and his heartbeat was in his ears.
And he wanted to do it again.
Hence why he wasn’t letting Drunk Jack make an appearance tonight. His friends were around somewhere, he lost track when they joined the action and he didn’t. He was alone, stood against the wall in the basement of some house a few guys rented off-campus. He was afraid. Afraid to have fun, afraid that if he’d let himself stop worrying he’d repeat his actions from last week, ultimately leaving himself with more to worry about.
He was thinking too much. Parties aren’t the time to think. He shook his head as if the thoughts that occupied it would fly out and downed the rest of his drink. He winced at the taste but embraced the feeling. Staying sober was not the way to deal with feelings, he decided. Getting drunker was. Just as he set out to get a refill he was stopped by someone approaching.
He was taller than Jack, maybe by a couple of inches. His hair had a slight curl and was sticking to his forehead, probably from the humidity of the basement, leaving it falling just about his hazel eyes. As much as he didn’t want to think about it, Jack immediately thought that this guy was hot.
“Can I get you a refill?” He asked, leaning on the wall next to Jack.
“Yeah, thanks.” Jack handed his cup over.
The man was just about to turn away when he stopped.
“You don’t look like you’re having a good time.”
“I’m not,” Jack admitted. “I get drunk and I do stupid shit. I’m trying to avoid that tonight.”
“Got it.” He held Jack’s empty cup up. “Then are you sure about that refill?”
Jack laughed at himself. “Yeah, trying to say sober is stupid shit in itself.”
The guy nodded. “I’m David.”
“Jack.”
David turned away to fill Jack’s cup. Jack was kicking himself, why was he talking to this guy? Why was he attracted to him? Well, he was attracted to him because he was gorgeous but it wasn’t like Jack had a history of thinking guys are gorgeous. But there was no denying it. He thought this guy was hot and he wanted to hook up with him. But he couldn’t. It would make everything too difficult.
David returned with a cup in each hand. He handed one to Jack and he smiled gratefully and took a sip. He needed this. They stood together without saying a word. They nursed their drinks and looked into the mass of people drinking and grinding.
David broke the silence.
“You gonna tell me about the stupid shit you do when you’re drunk? I feel like I should get a warning?”
Jack finished the last sip of his drink. He put his cup down and turned to face David. He liked that he was the shorter of the two of them, that David had a masculine jawline and a hint of stubble. There was no denying that he was attracted to David and at this point, he was tipsy enough to not care.
“Can I kiss you?” Jack asked.
“Now, that doesn’t sound very stupid.”
David put his own drink down and turned his body toward Jack, taking away all the space between their bodies. He put a hand on Jack’s jaw and another on his waist, melting their bodies together as he kissed him. It was obvious that David was kissing Jack and not the other way around, and Jack liked it. He wasn’t used to not being in control but it was a welcome change of events. He started kissing back, wrapping his arms around David to pull him closer, if it was even possible. As the kiss got more heated, escalating to open mouths and tongues, David pushed Jack back so he was against the wall. He had one forearm against the wall next to Jack’s head as if he was holding him in place without physically restraining him and Jack loved it.
If it wasn’t for the alcohol Jack would have been embarrassed by the whine that left his mouth when David pressed into him, his chest pinning Jack against the wall.
David pulled away from Jack and Jack chased after him, attempting to continue the kiss, but David put a hand to his chest, stopping him.
“Do you wanna go upstairs?” David asked.
And, god, Jack wanted to. House parties tended to be confined to the basement, where damages were less important.
“Upstairs? You live here?” Jack knew that not just anyone would have access to a bedroom.
“No, I’m not stupid enough to live in a party house. I’m in a dorm on campus. My best friend does, though, so I can take you upstairs if you want.”
Jack leaned forward and kissed David again.
“Yes, please.”
Jack followed David through the crowd and up the stairs into a significantly quieter ground floor. The sparse furniture signified the college guys who lived there but Jack didn’t have much time to take it all in as he was being dragged by the hand into a bedroom.
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Jack continued kissing David. He felt he couldn’t stop now that he’s started. A few minutes passed before David pushed him away once again.
“Bed?” David asked.
Jack didn’t answer, he just walked backward until his knees hit the mattress and he fell back.
David grinned and walked over to Jack, straddling his hips and connecting their lips. Soon, his mouth migrated from Jack’s lips to his neck. Jack couldn’t tell if David was leaving marks but he didn’t care. He felt so good and David was so attractive and so, so good at this. Okay, Jack wasn’t completely straight, that was obvious at this point. He’s not drunk enough to blame his feelings on alcohol, he’s completely here, in the moment.
Suddenly, the room was spinning. Everything he was feeling became too much, even though it was pure bliss just moments before. He wanted David to stop but he needed David to keep going. If he could just give in to what he’s feeling maybe he’d avoid the identity crisis and skip straight to the new identity.
He pulled David up so they were kissing again but this time Jack tried to take control. He had a hand in David’s hair and another on the back of his neck, keeping him in place as he explored his mouth with his tongue. In what seemed to be an attempt to take back the reins, David dropped his hips against Jack’s providing them both with the friction they craved.
“Shit, Davey.” Jack broke the kiss when he dropped his head back against the bed. He was very aware of his breathing, fast and shallow, and not enough.
“Are you okay?” David asked.
Jack really didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to deal with all his confusing thoughts on his own. He didn’t need to confide in some random guy at a party. Really, he wanted to do nothing about it, go back to kissing girls, and living the life he knew. God, he didn’t even know whose room they were in, whose bed they were on. How did he let himself lose control like this?
He looked back to David, his pupils blown from a mix of the dim room and the events from the last few minutes. He looked like he actually cared about Jack like he wasn’t asking just as a formality before he got his pants off.
A million possible answers rushed through his head, “Are you okay?” is a more complicated question than you’d expect. He paused before he found an answer he could settle on.
“Kinda.”
“Oh,” David moved so he was lying next to Jack, rather than on top of him. “Why only kinda?”
There was no turning back now. He let himself be vulnerable and now he has to deal with the consequences.
“This is the farthest I’ve gone with a guy,” Jack admitted.
“Got it.” David was quiet for a minute. “So what am I? An experiment, an act of rebellion, a drunken mistake? All of the above?”
The words would have sounded harsh if they came from anyone else. But not from David, David sounded like he actually cared and wanted to know what was going through Jack’s head.
“No, I don’t need an experiment to know that you’re hot and I’m into you.” And he really didn’t, that was made obvious by his messy hair, pink lips, and the situation in his pants. “I guess I’m just, I dunno, overwhelmed?”
“Overwhelmed sounds right.” David nodded.
“Like, I was enjoying what we were doing, I think we both know that. It was just a lot. I think I’m scared.”
“Of what?” David asked.
“I’m not scared of not being straight, I’ve already figured that part out. But acting on it means I need to figure out this whole new identity. I think I’m scared of having to do that.” Jack couldn’t believe he was talking about this. Talking about his identity crisis to some random guy at a party. Expect it wasn’t a random guy, it was David. And upstairs at a party is basically a whole different universe than the party itself.
Before David could say something Jack spoke again.
“Hey, whose bed am I on?
David laughed and it was a beautiful sound. “My friends started dating one of his roommates so this room is pretty much empty now. I didn’t bring you to hook up on my best friend’s bed, I have a little respect for him.”
Knowing that little bit of information grounded Jack in a strange way. It took him out of his head and into the moment. It was nice, peaceful until David spoke again and pulled Jack back into their conversation.
“Are you scared your friends won’t accept you?” he asked.
“No, they’re awesome. They don’t care about that kinda thing. Half of them are gay, anyway.”“What about your family?”
Jack scoffed. He wasn’t even sure who his family was referring to. It doesn’t matter if his parents care because it’s not like they’re in the picture anyway. He bounced around foster homes too much to have found a new family. Medda, his most recent foster mom, was his favorite, but by the time he moved in with her, he was about to leave for college anyway.
“Doesn’t matter,” Jack said, honestly.
“How do you feel now?” David asked.
“Like I wanna keep kissin’ you.”
David laughed and returned to his previous position, straddling Jack, hands pressed against his chest. He slid his hands under Jack’s shirt and Jack broke their kiss to slide it off.
Kissing David was different in so many ways. His chest was flat when he pressed against Jack, serving as a reminder that this is a guy, a man, and Jack’s kissing him like it’s all he knows how to do. His shoulders and broad and Jack could see toned muscle when he took his shirt off. David wasn’t ripped or anything, but he felt firm, built. Jack didn’t expect to love that so much.
Soon, they were both shirtless and Jack was sure he’d have some marks on his neck in the coming days but Jack wasn’t freaking out. No, he didn’t resume his panic until David broke away from him.
“We should stop.” David repositioned himself so he was sitting against the headboard.
Jack, still flat on his back, let out a groan.
“Do we have to?”
“No,” David admitted, “But we should. I don’t want you rushing into anything.”
Admitting defeat, Jack joined David against the headboard. His breath was still escaping him as he dropped his head against David’s shoulder. David moved his arm around Jack so he could run his fingers through his hair.
In a way, this was the most intimate thing Jack had done with a guy. They were just existing together, their mutual attraction known and acknowledged. Jack was enjoying himself, he knew that he would, but he knew that when he returned to his dorm, and Crutchie asked him about his night he wouldn’t say he was with a guy.
In a weird way, he felt like he was lying to his friends, not because he hadn’t come out, god, he didn’t even know what to come out as, but because he had been friends with them all for so long as a straight guy. He knew it was unreasonable, but it made sense to him. If he changed that now, such a huge part of a person’s identity, it would be like he had been lying to them for all these years.
Lying to himself.
“How are you doing?” David asked and it felt like that wasn’t what he was actually asking. It was a million questions wrapped into one and Jack didn’t know how to begin to answer.
So, that’s exactly what he said.
“I don’t know.”
David’s hand stilled in Jack’s hair for a beat until he spoke again.
“Do you regret coming up here?”
“No.” And Jack really didn’t. David was hot and Jack made out with him and he liked it. A lot.
It was quiet for a minute before Jack continued.
“I’m not ready to like, come out or anything.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Jack genuinely didn’t understand why David was being so considerate of his feelings. He expected he would either take the hookup for what it is or end it when Jack told him he wasn’t out.
“You seem like a nice enough guy and nobody should have a crisis alone. If you’re gonna have a sexual identity crisis might as well have somebody for it to be about.” David shrugged and it jostled Jack’s head.
“Maybe if you weren’t so hot I wouldn’t be having a crisis.” Jack scoffed.
“And maybe if you weren’t so cute I wouldn’t have approached you downstairs.”
“Fair point,” Jack agreed.
“I meant it when I said we have to stop, you know,” David said. “It’s getting late and people are gonna be heading out soon and I know you’re not ready to spend the night.”
“I know,” Jack said. “Can I stay for a little while, though?” Jack was comfortable under David’s arm. He liked feeling David’s weight on him and the movement of his chest as he breathed. The gentle fingers in his hair were making him more relaxed than he could remember being in ages.
“Yeah, you can. I just think you needed- we needed to stop for the night.”
So they stayed in their position, against the pillows and against each other. Jack didn’t fall asleep, he really didn’t. Maybe, just maybe, he rested his eyes for a little bit. David definitely wasn’t waking him up when he passed him his phone, which was vibrating on the bed next to him.
“Jack, you’re getting a call.” His arm moved from Jack’s hair to his shoulder, shaking him lightly.
“Jack opened his eyes and saw Crutchie’s name on the screen.
“It’s my roommate,” Jack mumbled. He took the phone from David and answered the call. “Hey, Crutch.”
Jack sat up straighter as he woke up more and continued the conversation.
“Yeah, I’m still here… I’ll meet you out front in five… No, shut up. I’ll see you in a sec.” Jack hung up the phone and slid it into his jeans pocket.
“Heading out?” David asked.
“Yeah, my roommate's leaving and we’re gonna walk back together. You staying?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna sleep here. If I’m not here to help clean in the morning, nobody’s gonna.”
Jack got off of the bed and walked over to his shirt, sliding it on. David followed.
“What are you gonna tell your roommate?” He asked.
“Uh, probably that I got too drunk so I was brought upstairs to sleep and puke it off.” Jack ran his fingers through his own hair in an attempt to make it look a little more normal.
“Okay, a good plan,” David started, “but I wasn’t keeping that plan in mind earlier.”
“What do you mean?” Jack asked.
David turned him to a small mirror on the dresser. Jack could see the hickeys on his neck, higher than could be hidden by a shirt collar.
“Davey, you dog.” Jack laughed.
David opened the closet and pulled out a flannel shirt. “Here,” he tossed it to Jack. “This should work.”
Jack put it on and, luckily, it did cover all the marks. “This yours or your friends?” he asked.
“Mine. I stay here often enough that this is basically my second room.”
Jack’s heart swelled at the thought of wearing David’s shirt.
“Hey, give me your phone.” David held his hand out. Jack handed his phone to David with no hesitation. David typed his number in and handed it back to Jack.
“In case you have another crisis. Or if you just wanna text me.” David walked the few steps between him and Jack and wrapped his arms around his waist. “You should go, your roommate's probably waiting.”
Jack kissed David again, there was something thrilling about the way that David was still shirtless and the way he didn’t push Jack away, instead opting to help him. He could kiss David for hours, days, even but he was right, Crutchie wanted to go home and was probably waiting outside for Jack.
“Goodnight, Davey.” Jack couldn’t help but look back to David as he was walking out the door.
The house was mostly empty at this point, save for the people spending the night, either because they’re staying with someone or simply because they were too drunk to leave. Crutchie was sitting on the front steps.
“Hey, Crutch.” Jack closed the door behind him and offered a hand to help Crutchie up, which he ignored, to nobody’s surprise.
“You disappeared for a while.”
“Yeah, too much too fast I guess.” They began the walk back to their dorm, the cool air biting at their faces. Jack was glad he was wearing an extra layer. It was that in-between weather, the summer fading away and giving way to the fall.
Jack didn’t expect to use David’s number, at least not right away. He couldn’t help himself as he pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his contact, staring at the message button.
No, he didn’t need to do this. He was just with David and honestly, he didn’t understand why he should be planning on seeing him in the future. They hooked up, just as Jack has so many times in the past, and he’s never had any desire to reach out to those girls again. Yeah, he’s had girlfriends in the past but they’ve never met like this.
He pocketed his phone again, choosing to ignore the urge to text David. They were getting close to their building, anyway, it would be best for Jack to just get some sleep, deal with his feelings in the morning. Or, more realistically, continue to ignore his feelings in the morning.
They got back to their room, and Jack continued his normal routine after a night out. Getting changed, brushing his teeth, and telling himself he should shower the night off but crashing into bed anyway.
He chatted with Crutchie as they got ready for bed, asking about his night and what he got up to at the party. Crutchie wasn’t much of a drinker, never getting far past a light buzz when he drank. His nights out tended to be more social and less physical, often talking to new people and making sure his friends are under control.
Once Jack was in bed and the light was off he took his phone from his bedside table to plug it into the charger and he couldn’t stop himself. He stared at David’s contact briefly before deciding, fuck it, he might as well throw caution to the wind.
Jack: hey sorry i know its late. just wanted to say i had a good time tonight.
He wasn’t expecting a response, it was late enough at this point to be considered early. Still, his phone buzzed soon after.
David: No problem. How’s the identity crisis going?
Jack laughed, well, more of a sharp exhale as he really took in the situation. He was texting some random guy from a random Saturday night party because he was so unbelievably attracted to him. To him. A guy.
Jack: all i know right now is i cant be straight after tonight lol
David: I’m glad I could clear that up.
David: No rush, by the way. You don’t have to hurry to come out or anything. Move at your own pace.
Jack didn’t know he needed to hear that. Or, read it, apparently.
Jack: thanks davey. goodnight
He plugged his phone in and rolled over, attempting to fall asleep without images of David in his head.
