Beer Boxing Crooked Can’s BA Russian Imperial Stout vs Crooked Can’s Winter’s Nap
So. Here is the special thing I promised. And it's not special at all. Is it Steve? Yes. It's just a side by side drink thing. But those are really boring. So I sort of wanted to spice it up. So I invented rules. And by invented I mean I sort of just pulled a bunch of shit out of my ass said “them's the rules” and refined them as I went on. Sort of like the UFC. Literally. Look up the shit show that was the history of the UFC. I enjoy UFC fights but their history was fucking nuts.
Speaking of the UFC, I have decided that this is going to be scored UFC style. There will be three judges. They will all score the bout using the following scale: 10 points for the winner of the round, 9 or less for the loser. At the end of three rounds, if there is no definitive winner, we go to the judges score cards. The three rounds are scent, taste, drinking experience. That last part probably isn't in the UFC rules. Anyway, our two contenders are from the same gym (brewery): Crooked Can. Let's meet our contestants.
IN THE ABITRARILY DESIGNATED RED CORNER!!! WEIGHING IN AT 10% ABV. THE BOURBON BARREL AGED RUSSIAN IMPERIAL STOUT!!! (crowd cheers) AND IN THE BLUE CORNER BECAUSE THAT IS THE TRADITIONAL OPPOSITE OF THE RED CORNER!!! WEIGHING IN AT 7.6% ABV!!! THE BOURBON BARREL AGED “WINTER'S NAP” BALTIC PORTER!!! I picture Joe Rogan color commentary about why it's called Winter's Nap. Then I go to my happy place. He can't hurt me there. Anyway, fight or whatever.
Round one, Scent:
In the smell of the Winter's Nap, you get the classic bourbon and vanilla thing that you expect from from a bourbon aged stout. I don't know what a baltic stout is and I never will, but that matters so little that I regret mentioning it. After the initial honey moon period though, you smell it again and he comes in with a nice combination of toffee and caramel. Oh man he is just unloading on the big bad Russki.
Oh but what's this? The Russian is coming in for the kill with a big, overwhelming assault on the nose. The huge bourbon scent of this just blows away any lingering scent of anything Winter's Nap had thrown at him. And that bourbon is back by a one two punch of chocolate and ice cream. It also might have a little caramel of it's own. However, the Russki's power has cost him. In the end, it's all dwon the the Baltic's technical skill, he has edged the Russian in the first round.
Round two, Taste:
What's this? The Baltic has come out swinging hard, but he still has that grace. Smooth and creamy in the mouth with lots of caramel and toffee. But you can't get around his dancing with that vanilla and bourbon. There is a lot of controlled power in the Baltic, elegantly combining the smooth transitions between all of the flavors. This is some real artistry folks. Unfortunately, he is starting to show some openings for the Russian to punish. The Baltic isn't finishing clean, with some vegetal back taste. And it seems to be losing its gas late in the round.
Folks it would seem that the Russian just had to get warmed up, because it is just unloading on the Baltic. There is no subtlety to the bourbon onslaught that the Russian has unleashed. Upfront, bourbon. In the back, bourbon. It even has that boozy warmth that drinking bourbon gives you as it goes down. However, it is just as smooth and fluid as the Baltic. Maybe more so. And in the middle of its bourbon fueled slugfest, it is managing to sneak in some rabbit punches with chocolate, vanilla, and ice cream. And apparently that is legal in beer boxing. I'm definitely not complaining. It suffer from the same unclean finishes as the Baltic though, but it covers them by saturating you breath with chocolate and vanilla and whiskey so you don't notice as much. The clear winner of this round is the Russian.
Last round, Drinking Experience:
That Russian was swinging hard and heavy. It was just a treat to behold on every level. It was at times hard and overwhelming, but it was matched with grace and technique. But I am drunk and I blame it. The Baltic was technically sound and and had elegance and poise, but it was not quite as strong and had some wide gaps in it. It had some great combinations and it was a very different and exciting drinking experience as time went on. The Baltic, again, edges the Russian. Time to go to the judges' score cards.
One judge scored this fight 29:28 Baltic (crowd cheers) One judge scored this fight 28:27 Russian (other crowd cheers) The final judge scored this fight 28:27 for your winner of the match. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Is this annoying yet . . .
BOURBON BARREL AGED “WINTER'S NAP” BALTIC PORTER!!!