Man of Beer Man

A man of many words. Few of them important. The working beer drinker's hero, putting the fun back in functional alcoholic. I am Man of Beer Man.

[manofbeerman]

Sam Adams Ella Blanc

You know what I have been thinking about a lot lately? Cyberpunk. I don't know why since cyberpunk tends to deal with near future dystopian societies and the impact of technological over dependence on their every day lives. Doesn't seem familiar. But what I really like about the cyberpunk zeitgeist is the phylisophical questions it asks and requires you to think about, e.g. what is the human soul and what truly makes someone human? Is the universe materialist (composed of nothing but matter/mass), idealist (the opposite of that last thing I said), or some kind of combination of both, with maybe some other stuff? Are we all just brains in a jar with probes in them showing us a projection? Possibly according to some physicists. Now I hop you enjoy your sleep tonight. These are the kind of things that keep me drinking.

Well that and breweries keep cranking out tasty brews and I am nothing if not a hedonist. And today's offering is and IPL called Ella Blanc by Sam Adams. I am not well read enough to understand that name and Wikipedia takes too much typing, but there is a kangaroo with boxing gloves on the bottle so I'll do it anyway. Otherwise it will be yet another thing keeping me awake at night. And since Google only returns hits on the beer and people on Facebook I never want to meet, I guess it will always be a mystery. But that's what therapy is for. And drinking. I should drink.

It smells fruity and hoppy like you would want from a well hopped lager/IPL/whatever. It has a sweet orange and somewhat tropical smell to it. And possibly peach. Or maybe I am confusing color and scent again. That happens to me some times. Either way this smells quite hoppy, but like a juicy fruit scent. I don't know if that's because of the German or the Australian hops, but I'm going to go on a limb and say it's the Australian hops. Because the drop bears protect them. And the spiders. And literally everything else in Australia. They had better be good cuz you're risking your life with every harvest. Wait, does that mean the hops will kill me? Let's find out.

Well the good news is that I lived. But the bad news is I lived. At least the beer is pretty good. Bitter up front, bitter throughout actually, though it is somewhat muted by virtue of being a lager. I assume. The taste is more spicy through the hops though which is actually kind of interesting. It's quite a bit less fruity than the scent would have you believe. There IS a bit of bitter orange is the back of the taste, but it requires slurping so it really isn't worth the effort. But yeah, basically hops. That's the taste. No too much malt body that I can taste.

Problem with the beer? Basically that it doesn't have that malt background that would have given this a bit more body. It's a bit more flash than substance. Like a presidential speech. However, unlike a presidential speech, this is enjoyable in a not stupid and ironic way and won't lead to the overall destruction of the free world. Did I get political? Yes. But you know what today was one of those days where everything seemed personal even though the universe is a cold unfeeling place that cares for you as much as it does a random ant SO ALL BETS ARE OFF!!! Sorry, please don't unfollow me.

From the bottle this is much less bitter. Except in the back of the throat. Which is where I would really prefer the beer not being bitter. Like it isn't bad that the beer IS bitter in the back of the throat. I just don't appreciate that it lingers there. Haunting me. Like that one dream I had where I almost slept with my long lost half-sister. And I don't even know if I have a half-sister so I am effectively ruined for women forever. And now I need to stare at the wall listening to “Hello Darkness My Old Friend”.

But before I do that I should probably finish talking about the beer so psychological crisis on hold for the moment. From the bottle it is less bitter up front. I am getting more fruit and it is definitely bitter orange. I am not tasting any poison so I assume Jim Koch invented some way to brew it out or cover it up. It starts getting more bitter as time goes on, but because I believe in philisophical pluralism with an emphasis on the mind, I am able to get by on the memory of the less bitter taste alone. That's a lie but it sounded good at least.

I am kind of full. This'll be a pretty good poop though I think though. And since it's a hoppy beer it will smell like weed. Which I have no idea of what that smells like because I am a good person and I am a supporter of Ronald Reagan's war on drugs (nailed it). Not super gassy though which means know weed smelling farts, but I feel like I am okay with that. I mean in the end I am just killing time until dinner anyway so fuck it.

I give this beer a 7. I would buy it again should the mood strike me, but it's basically just drinkable. To me. But I am a snob.

[manofbeerman]

Abita’s  Mardi Gras Bock

A new year a new me . . . is what I would say if I was a 20 or 30 something white person in the middle class on a sitcom full of tired tropes in an apartment I can inexplicably afford in Manhattan. But while I am a 20 or 30 something, I am only fractionally white, my sitcom auditions continually flounce, my tropes are fresh to death (shut up), I can very explicably afford my apartment in Orlando(/Gotha/Ocoee depending on the time of year), and I am in that class of people that makes more than the average in my area yet never seems to have any money. I think it's called the irresponsible with money class but I am not a personal economic scientist. I am, however, back baby after a spiritual journey to my couch and occasionally my chair here to bring you irregular updates as I see fit. Speaking of . . .

Today's beer is Abita's Mardi Gras bock. You probably know what a bock is, but if you don't, like me, you can look it up on Wikipedia. I can't do all the legwork. Besides I am much more interested in the name: Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras fascinates me. Not because of Carnival or any of the parties or celebrations, because I can't really picture anything I would be less into (well I can but they're inappropriate and kind of weird), but because of the sentiment behind it. Like, “OMG Lent is coming. I better get all the hedonism out now.” Granted I don't observe Lent because Catholicism confuses me, but I always thought that stuff like this was interesting culturally. Like “we have to deny ourselves for 40ish days, lets blow it up the day before.” Always a cool thing. Sort of why I like the real reason for Thanksgiving but that's another show. Anyway, time to drink.

It smells good. And I totally pictured myself saying that in the stereotypical dumb guy with the speech impediment voice because that's how intelligent I feel when I say it. But to get slightly more smarter and less mouth breather-y about it: it's really malty. Like it has a lot of those roasted malt characterics to it, like a malty lager should, but there is always something about a bock that makes me forget the sins of the malty beer (looking at you ambers). Maybe it's that kind of bitter in the back thing that I always attribute to lagers because to this day I still only marginally know the difference, but it smells like malty, roasted, bitter joy. Not like hops bitterness though. This is the bitterness you cheat on hops with.

You know. Maybe it's because I haven't had a bock in a while. Or maybe it's because I haven't had a beer in close to 48 hours, but this is a good beer. My palate may be lying to me because I just at a sandwich, but fuck it, this is real life conditions. None of this sterile lab conditions bullshit. Also I was thirsty because it was a fairly salty and greasy sandwich, but y'all don't know me like that so y'all can't judge how I choose to spend an afternoon. Just know it involved a sandwich.

But onto this beer, because I'm getting' all hot over here, it tastes a lot like how it smells. It has that delicious malty thing that is matched well with lager refreshing bitterness. Don't know if that's a thing, but I said so and this is post-truth Man of Beer Man. But yeah, up front there is some roasty and nutty and sweet things, with some bitter things. Some of them questionably hoppy, some of them not. There is a bit of caramel and candy sweetness in the back and it is getting exhausting attempting to make this paragraph what I consider long enough while still being informative so I am going to stop.

Bad things. Because everything I love comes with a terrible truth about them. Many of my best friends are married and have kids and can't rage on a Wednesday because they're “responsible”. Puppies can't be designated drivers because the courts ruled thumbs as a necessary predecessor to driving. My mom . . . well . . . she knows what she did. And this beer is no different. It has a grassy taste in the back of it like a lot of similar beers and the bitter that comes with it is a little unwelcome. However, I can forgive the beer. Unlike my mom. That requires planning and careful vengeance. And onions.

But while I plan my vengeance against my mother for crimes I may or may have imagined/made up to support my narrative I shall crack another beer. Because beer supports every idea I have ever had. Every. One. Except standing up straight that one time.

From the bottle it is much more fiercely bitter. And I mean that both in the basic white girl and the dictionary sense. Dictionarily, which is a word fuck you spell check, this is much more bitter forward and aggressively so. I was taken aback. It scared me and also turned me on a little bit. I mean other words that don't make me sound like I need to appear on a TLC “reality” show. And Urban Dictionarily, that bitter hit up front is pretty “fierce” done with a playful cat hand gesture and offensive to all women named Becky accent. I like it. It helps some with that back taste I mentioned earlier at the expense of some of the malty sweet things in the middle. Which improves my drinking experience personally because the sweet thing was getting cloying and annoying. But this one, well, I could drink the fuck out of this. All day. There is a whiskey dick joke in there somewhere, but she can't tell.

If you didn't get that, there is no saving you. But yeah, definitely a bottle drinking beer. If you're an alcoholic. So yeah, a bottle drinking beer.

I am five beers deep so I am either in a great place to judge this beer and its long term effect or the worst possible place. Which means I am definitely qualified to talk about it. Anyway. This is a great beer to drink in a bath. Because that's what I did with beers 3 and 4. Drank them in a bath. Also I am not filled up by the 5 6.5% beers I drank. I don't want to do anything, but I just think that's a personality defect. And however many beers 5 x 6.5% is. They are making me sleepy and lazy, which is not a bad problem to have at 10:30 pm. I was super gassy on beers 3 and 4 though but that passed so I guess the moral of that story is to only drink 1 beer in the bath. Who knew. But yeah this is definitely an easy drinker.

So this beer gets a 9. I really, really like it. It is definitely a shiningly bright example of a bold, flavorful, but drinkable lager.

[manofbeerman]

Stone Citrusy Wit

o I was super fucking jet lagged because I am in Spokane, Washington right now. I am actually still pretty jet lagged but you know what? I'll deal. But this is why I was late and why I am not sure if I am going to get another review out until next you. I will attempt to but, honestly, this is a review I started a while ago, forgot to write an intro for it, and now I'm writing an intro for it to post this because I'm really just sort of half assing this between moments of sobriety. There is so much beer here. SO MUCH!!!

So this is the Stone Citrusy Wit. I remember literally none of the research I pretended to do on this beer, nor do I have this beer on hand. I have a picture of it, but that probably won't help. It has tangerine and kefir lime leaf in it, but that's basically the only thing I remember about this, but fuck it. I am going to go drink a beer and eat foods and enjoy my vacation. Happy Holiday time.

From the smell I am definitely getting a whole bunch of citrus. Mostly lemony/orangey. I will blame the lemon on the kefir lime leaf and the orange on the tangerine for I am as Thor himself. A bringer of justice and decisions. And because it says on the bottle what's in the beer and I'm really just parroting that. I mean most of what I do is get drunk and say the things on the bottle that you could really figure out for yourself. At least I don't call myself a journalist. That would be weird.

Well now . . . not digging that. Not at all. It is CRAZY bitter up front. Like citrus rind bitter. I am getting the kefir lime leaf bit in it but the bitter is overpowering. It's kind of hard to drink to be honest. But I shall soldier on. When I do the pretentious beer slurp sip thing it is still bitter as hell up front, but I do get more things. In the back it has this bright citrusy limey orangey thing to it. A little coriander to it as well. This was described as bready by some on beer advocate, but I'm not getting that. Mostly bitter and lime. And the wit beer thingy. The one that I hate. See previous reviews. No third glass paragraph.

First bottle paragraph go. From the bottle this beer is incredibly pleasant. Why didn't I try it this way first. You know, I always question my rules, but this is not one of those times. I drink from the glass first because you can't smell from the bottle. From out of the bottle there is every bit of the citrus but none of the bitter. And I don't do bitter citrus so this is a plus to me. You get that orange and it's more backed by what I am choosing to call kefir lime and coriander. Basically the limey herby earthy spicey notes. It's a wit, therefore it is coriander. If it was an IPA it would be hops. That is how it works. Sorry not sorry.

So I will do a second bottle paragraph. Because I believe in this beer from the bottle. I will nurture it. Give it it's start. And I can see myself actually finishing the six pack from the bottle. Trade secret. So yeah up front you are greeted by classic wit taste, but literally as you start to open your throat to swallow (giggity) you are greeted by a load of oranges. That is an implied oral sex joke. There is also this kind of sour herbal spice taste to it as well in the back and I like that. Then is does the wheat beer thing and I get sad. And the citrus makes it worse. Sadness. Citrus should be like casual nudity and make everything better. But, much like casual nudity, it makes everything worse.

SO. True story. I drank the entire six pack of this and a bunch of the other beer I had in the fridge. I might die. BUT I don know that it took a lot to get me drunk so this beer is probably not the culprit. It's only 5.3% abv. The other though, we won't talk about. Either way, it isn't too gassy or too filling. It does inspire bad decisions though. Like calling your mom about sexual decisions.

I give this beer a 2 from the glass. Seriously. If you pour it you are in for a dire surprise. Ignore the fact that these bottles were 3ish months old. From the bottle though it's a 5 at least. Drink it from the bottle. Or don't. I'm drunk.

[manofbeerman]

Sierra Nevada Coffee Stout

So I have figured out my main motivating factors to get me to write reviews. The first: being so tired that I hate everyone and want to punch children. Two, I'm bored and I've got ten to twenty minutes before I need to masturbate again. Three, I want to make a difference int the world. Four, I need an excuse to get drunk. And five, I need to get my recruitment number up for the cult of the beer gods so that I can go to our excursionary camp in the Ozarks. Six, the same as five but I need to hit level five so I can ascend to the secret sixth level and gain psychic powers. Also trigger warnings (legit): I am going to be joking about sex cults, fake news sites, and terrible television shows. So you may want to prepare accordingly or give this a miss.

To be honest I was going to talk about hipsters a lot in this review because this is a cold brewed coffee stout from Sierra Nevada appropriately called the Sierra Nevada Coffee Stout, but I feel like that is an over done stereotype and I have since given up the hipster jokes because they've become too main stream. And I have some pretty sweet argyle socks now so I am cool enough to avoid having to make those jokes out of jealousy for those that have what I don't. Mostly skinny jeans, hats, and self esteem problems. I have like one of those. Tops. Anyway, I'm going to drink now, because ethanol is how I maintain my facade as a functioning human being and the returns from my recycled bottles will fund our campaign to replace drinking water with beer.

Do people even care what beer smells like? Because I am beginning to wonder about that and question my whole lot in life. I am wondering about a lot of things. Many turn to religion when this happens. I just state that the beer smells like coffee and move on. It smells like coffee. And my brother isn't here to tell me about the notes so it smells like coffee. Good coffee though. And chocolate. I get the feeling that this is going to be stomach hurtingly delicious.

It's pretty good, but I don't know that it is good enough to indoctrinate my friends who drink coffee but not beer. Where's a good fake news site when you need one? Get it? Because indoctrination? Too political? Probably. Fuck Natural News.

But yeah beer. Up front it has a coffee taste because no shit. But it's kind of a weak taste. Like what I imagine plebs drink when they make coffee. Granted I'm not the guy to talk about plebs and coffee, because I am not my brother in law. Also the coffee flavor gets more better and gooder as you continue to drink it. Though it never quite peaks at the level of coffee I want it to be. As black as my soul, as bitter as I was about middle school until I went to high school. Not high school bitter though. If you hit high school bitter it has steeped for too long and you may die. Also there is chocolate in the back of the taste which really boosts the coffee flavor and makes it more of a mocha type of situation. Like chocolate covered espresso beans, which Mormons can inexplicably eat. Not like inexpicably like how can they do it, I undersatnd the mechanism of eating I think, but how does Mormo the Magnificent allow for that in his magic gold plate book? But yeah in short, weak but good tasting coffee, chocolate backbone, I hated high school, Mormons are weird.

There were some bad things, but none too bad to complain about. Nevertheless I am. I can find the bad in anything. Like how this beer is a little bit on the “coffee grounds” side of coffee and that makes me sad, or how “The Walking Dead” is a cardboard cut out masquerading as a television show and that makes me feel nothing. But yeah that whole coffee grounds thing, strangely, not a deal breaker. I will continue to drink this beer. Then maybe go read “The Walking Dead” comics so I can spoil the fucking show and stop having it pop up on my dash on FB. And since I heard the comics were actually good, maybe I'd even really enjoy reading them while getting my hategasm on. I think I have achieved word count for this paragraph, while having run out of my first beer, so I'm going to get another one.

I smell nothing from this bottle. That means nothing, but I felt it a necessary inclusion. I like this though from the bottle. A bit more coffee in the taste and I enjoy it. The coffee is more strong and more better. It's like the mid taste became the front taste and the front taste became the back taste and I don't know where the back taste went. Maybe mixed in the middle with the front taste? Fuck if I know honestly. But there is chocolatey and coffee-y things in it and it did not disappoint me. Unlike the second and third seasons of “The Walking Dead”. Or that apocalyptic cult I joined that one time. Not. Enough. Creepy sex stuff. If you're going to start an apocalyptic cult, you need a lot of creepy sex stuff. Otherwise the eventual police standoff and getting shot to death just isn't worth it.

Poured the last one into a glass because my creepy sex cult keeps it classy. Also because while formulating my intros and watching YouTube videos of “The Voice” auditions I like to ponder over a glass like a rich guy. Also I am drunk. But I am better now. Well, not really. I am drunk and still drinking. It's awesome. But I gotta eat soon so yeah. At least I can still eat. And I don't feel like crap. Win-win. Opened a not Coffee Stout beer because I'm out but I feel okay. Not too gassy or anything. Nice.

I give this a 9 honestly. I love it, but it isn't perfect. Like my sex cult. I mean apocalyptic cult. Message me for more information. Shhh.

[manofbeerman]

Sierra Nevada’s Caramel Scotch

I love how I go on this apology tour and then instantly miss an update the next week (and publish this late so you get two today). I am the best at apologies I don't mean. I will make a New Year's Resolution to be better about it, since the neww year is about to come upon us. That way for at tleast the first three weeks I won't fuck up my releases. I am starting to feel like I'm an author in a manga. Never on time. No work ethic. Would rather goof around than do my work. Then again, my work is drinking beer so I don't really know that anyone cares. And I am cool with that.

What I am also cool with is scotch ales. Just the idea of a scotch ale to me is cool. They long boil the wort (which is the pre-beer) to get some caramelization in the wort and give it more alochol, color, sweet notes, caramel things, etc. But with this one (Sierra Nevada's Maple Scotch) they also added maple. But this is a rant I have already had. I will not repeat myself unless I am too drunk to remember what I said. I bought this because it was a maple scotch ale. I am a slave to branding. Anywho, I'm drink now.

I can definitely smell the maple in this. And some caramelly things. So it sort of smells like a maple amber. Fucking hell. Well not really. I actually don't have anything against scotch ales. Most of the scotch ales I have had a pretty good. And I like maple beers. Because maple is good. You know, I might like a maple amber. It might cover up the shitty amber taste. But this is not an amber. Basically though this smells like a maple caramelly amber ale.

Definitely doesn't taste like an amber, which I am grateful for. Mostly because I don't get that weird herbal taste in the back of my throat. Which I am not super much a fan of. It does sort of have a weird herbal taste in the middle, but I'm not mad at it because it is largely covered up by the taste of maple and caramel. And speaking of caramel and maple, yes the caramel and maple are in this pretty much from start to finish. It sort of starts tapering off into a more malty beery taste toward the back, but it still has that sweetness. Then you exhale and it tastes like malted milk. The other thing I really like is that, while it's sweet it isn't cloying. And that it tastes like maple but not like guzzling maple syrup.

I can say two bad things about this, but they're fairly minor. One: it has an aftertaste that, while not terrible, I wish wasn't there. And two: I was kind of underwhelmed by this beer. I guees I built it up in my head as a delicious mapley treat. And this beer didn't really deliver. That's why I should never hype anything up in my head. It always disappoints me. Except for me. I never disappoint me. I know I disappoint all of you guys constantly, but I don't need your hype I AM THE HYPE!!! (I think I crossed right past the high self esteem threshold into douchebag, but that's fine. Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a hater. Because I'm a millennial. And the hype.)

From the bottle it is quite a bit more mapley. It actually tastes like those maple mollasses candies that you can buy but not as sweet. That weird sort of bittersweet aftertaste from the glass is actually much more satisfying, because it combines with the sweet and the malted milk exhales to give you that sort of molasses like finish. And you know what I like it. I am allowed to be serious sometimes. Life isn't always a joke dammit. Sometimes people just say things. They aren't funny. They aren't entertaining. They just are.

I am a little tipsy. It probably has to do with the fact that this is a 7.3% abv beer. And I had three. In 1.5 hours. This is pretty awesome. I like it. However it does not bode well for the fact that I have to be in at work tomorrow at 9 am. I really don't know why I do the things I do. Well for the fun of it mostly, but shhh. I am not very full off this beer and not super gassy. That's a good thing and a bad thing because I was sort of hungry and was hoping to tide myself over with beer. Not to happen today though and that makes me sad.

I give this a 7.75. TBH I was jumping between 7.5 and 8 so 7.75 just makes sense. I kind of can see myself drinking more of these. And I would definitely buy it again. But the combination of sweet and alcoholic kind of limits the situations I would drink this in.

[manofbeerman]

Stone’s Old Guardian (Dry-Hopped with Pekko Hops)

I've been thinking about a lot of things. The life of the Portuguese fisherman. What if Donald Trump actually becomes the greatest president that has ever existed and will Dan O'Brien update his book? How will he do it? What will I do for lunch? You know. The important things in life. But ever since I started making these apology tour articles, I have been wondering: Where is Reuben Studdard? What did he do in 2004 that he had to apologize for? Why don't I just Google this shit and figure it out rather than just musing. Either way, here is my apology tour article number five.

And it's a fucking barleywine. And I drank my dinner last night. And I ate a shit load of pasta for dinner. This was a good idea. Obviously. And if you don't know why, that is: read til the end of the article. Obviously. Well anyway, this is Stone's Old Guardian Dry-Hopped with Pekko Hops. I have no idea what a pekko hop is, but I guess I'll find out. Also this is different than the other Old Guardian which I haven't had because regular Old Guardian doesn't have pekko hops. Apparently. And yes I can Google beer and not Reuben Studdard. It's called priorities.

This smells like a meal. Holy shit. This smells like heaviness. I'm gonna be soooo full. Ugh. But yeah. Anyway. What it really smells like is alcohol and malt. It smells like barley. It smells like a barley wine. It does not smell like pekko hops. At least not that I know of as I don't know what pekko hops smell like. But yeah, alcoholic and heavy and malt and barley. Basically it smells like a barleywine. Not looking forward to this. It's gonna be sooooo filling. Fuck. I shouldn't have eaten dinner.

It's a fucking barleywine. Fucking damn it. I'm gonna have to lay down after the first glass of this. Well what does it taste like? Well for the most part it is kinda sweet up front. Not cloyingly so, but it's kind of aggravating because it's sort of too sweet. Like I put too much sugar on my Cheerios. But it's bitter in the back of the throat. I blame it on the pekko hops. Not a terrible thing since it keeps the sweet from overpowering my life. That's good cuz when sweet overpowers my life I get angry and throw things and eat children. I am Krampus. Hey it's after Thanksgiving. I can talk Christmas shit.

What do Man of Beer Man not like about this beer? Well the fact that it's a fucking barleywine is one. I'm okay with barleywine's but for the most part I don't like them. They're just okay. BUT IT'S NOT TODAY!!! Barleywine is too heavy for today. I'm too full, and too IBS-y today for this shit. Seriously. Never drink your dinner in beer. It makes for some interesting shitting. Also the sweet boozy thing up front combines with the bitter hops taste in the back and makes a fucking grassy herbal taste in the back and I really am not a fan of that ever. I would kind of like to take another shot at this when I am more in the mood for this. But I'm just not that into it right now.

Huh. Not gonna lie. I am not all that full. Not really all that gassy either. But I am drunk. WOO!!! Yeah. I like being drunk. Being drunk is awesome. The world is sort of spinny, I'm sleepy but happy. No headache really. I should take an anti-gas pill and/or an antacid but this is fucking awesome. I love it. I feel like if I was in a hentai manga I would have hearts, or at least stars, in my eyes. And if you don't know hentai manga, look it up. I know my mom reads this. I hope she doesn't know and looks it up. Shhhh.

I give this beer a confusing number. Because beer goggles. Seriously I am lit af right now. And if you don't know what that means publicly shame yourself for not knowing millenial slang trends. I give it a 7. I would by this again. Wasn't thrilled by it, but this. Is. Fun. 7.

[manofbeerman]

New Belgium and Oud Beersel’s Transatlantique Kriek

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you've made a few too many commitments? Cuz that's me today. Oh yeah and this is day 4 of my apology tour. And also Thanksgiving. It never ends. I am not writing this on Thanksgiving mind you cuz I have shit to do like cook so you'll have to do without a live update. But seriously I am overbooked. But I promise I will be on time with my updates for the rest of however long it takes me to write this sentence. Now what would be ironic it if I posted this late. But I refuse. I got Tumblr open an ready to drop this fucker in.

So what am I drinking today you may wonder and furthermore why is it a penance? Well to be honest I sort of forgot but it had something to do with this being a New Belgium brew. No offense to them but I am not a fan. I bought this because I liked the art and recognized that the word “kriek” in whatever the fuck language it's in means thing that I like. Then I read that it was a sour cherry ale and I got flashbacks of beers past where I drank a 17% abv sour cherry thing on a weekday and was only 30 minutes late for work. Praise me. So anyway this is New Belgium with Oud Beersel's Transatlantique Kriek. 2015 if any of you are nerds and care about that sort of thing.

This beer don't look right. It is really fucking red. You may not be able to tell. But I can. It's like creepily red. But cherries so I'm not mad at it for the color. This beer don't smell right. It smells like I am either going to love it or hate it or think it's okay. Lots of cherry and some malty things and some sort of sour things. It says it's wood aged so I am going to blame that chocolate/vanilla thing on the wood. I am having flash backs to beers past. Shit. Oh well let's drink the shit out of it.

No shit. So that's a good thing. I have never had shit literally, but I have had shitty beer. This satisfies none of those categories. So what does it taste like if not shit? Good question. It is tart up front so that's kind of nice. It gives it this nice and refreshing zing that makes me think this would be a good hot weather beer. So obviously I had to drink it on the first day that Florida got 40 degree weather. I'm good at this. Now it does have some decent cherry flavor in there as well but it is kind of muted. It's hiding. But it comes out toward the back of the taste to give you some mild tastes of summer. Did I mention I am great at this? Timing is everything and I am killing it.

Bad stuff. There is some of that. And honestly I really feel like I'm picking of New Belgium every time I say this, but it's sort of generic. Like my first sip of this and I was like “hey, it's the average of every sour I've ever had.” Now is this really a bad thing? Not really, but, cuz there is always a but, average doesn't make me want to buy you again. And this was kind of pricey. Like $10-$15. And that's a lot of money for average. Also there is this sort of grassy herbal thing in the back that annoys me and makes the sour not quite so good, but I don't care about that because it isn't enough to make me not want to drink this.

Found out this was a collaboration with another brewery (teehee I wrote the intro after the bulk of the review). Apparently this is a combination of New Belgium's blonde that I didn't know they made and won't be trying and Oud Beersel's Kriek lambic. I like lambics so I must try it. But most blondes are boring so maybe I only give New Belgium a half strike for this one. Still though, they have to remember: 746 strikes and you're out. Unless you make a michelada, bottle it, don't label it such, and I drink it. Then I just have to remind you that your brewery is a tinder box. That's all I'll say.

This is 7% abv. I feel weird. But good weird. No need to poop. No need to burp and/or fart. But also . . . no need to eat. . . . And I was hungry. Are you filling Mr. Complicated Words I Can't Be Bothered To Look At The Bottle To Spell Right? I suppose I could have copy and pasted. But that would be disrespectful. Somehow. Yep drunk. Fuck.

I give this a 6.9. It's pretty good but it isn't worth buying again in my opinion. It's right up against that wall, but I feel like I could fill the hole (giggity) for cheaper.

[manofbeerman]

Tomoka and Terrapin’s Mint Julep

Well the third beer in my apology tour. Kind of trying to figure out what to write here as an introduction because I sort of missed a bunch of updates in the course of writing this. So I apologize for that as well. Not gonna lie, I have been having a bad couple of weeks. I mean Donald Trump won the presidency and I look Hispanic/Arab. Also I was sick as a dog that entire week and part of this one. Feeling sort of better. Beer helps.

And in the spirit of beer helping, here is the beer review for today of the beer I really kind of don't want to drink. This is the southern sour. It's a collaboration between Tomoka and Terrapin which is pretty cool. I like the Tomoka Brews I've had and I really like Terrapin stuff so I figure this probably isn't gonna be so bad. Or it'll be the worst thing I've ever had in my life and I will die and explode. Either way, you'll probably just laugh at me. Especially if I explode. Anyway, here's Tomoka and Terrapin's Mint Julep Southern Sour.

Well it does smell sort of like a mint julep. In that it sort of smells like mint and bourbon. Though it also smells like a mojito because I assume it is a sour and I'm used to Carribean drinks. But a mojito made with bourbon. A mo-bourbon. Which is also what I say when I want an additional bourbon drink after one too many bourbon drinks at the bar. I should drink it now, I'm letting all the aroma out of the glass. I'm gonna drink it.

Hmm. That's an interesting taste. I really don't know how I feel about it to be honest. It definitiely has a  lot of mint in the taste. Like a lot of mint. But it doesn't really have a super lot of sourness to the taste. But it is sort of tart. It also has this interesting vanilla whiskey thing to it that I really enjoy. But that's just because I like whiskey. Though this was brewed with vanilla and french oak on top of the mint so it's pretty sweet. Not like sweet sweet, but like awesome sweet. Shut it. That makes sense dammit.

Things I don't like and some of the reasons why I am unsure how I feel about this: it has crystal malt in it. I can taste it. It's bugging me. It's just so out of place in this brew. It gives it this really grassy herbal taste in the middle. And toward the back. It sort of screws up the feeling of drinking a mint julep and makes the sour in the back more of a bitter thing in the back. It's aggravating and makes me sad. And that's the taste that lingers in your mouth. Fucking hell.

Ugh, why do I do things. My gut's really don't appreciate this brew. So many heartburns in my future. I already feel it coming on. My upper intestines and my esophagus are already burning. Ugh and this is sitting kind of heavy in my guts. And I'm gassy. Damn it. Well looks like it is time to bust out the ginger ale, the IBS meds, the acid reducer, and gas reducer. Although probably not. Too much work.

Well, after much deliberation, I have to give this a 4. It wasn't worth the pain I'm in/going to be in. The crystal malt after taste and unsatisfying sourness hurt it too.

[manofbeerman]

Ballast Point’s Mango Even Keel

I wrote this right after daylight savings time started in the US and I am mad I haven’t posted it til now. Anyway, I hate daylight savings time. That fall back bullshit sucks. What's so good about getting tired an hour earlier? Nothing. That's what. And since drinking usually fixes my internal clock when I fly, I figured I'd try it with daylight savings time. That and I need to drink away the fact that I had to shop at Walmart today. It was between them and Best Buy and Walmart has beer. But then again Walmart didn't have the thing I needed so I have to go to Best Buy anyway. Not a fan of Best Buy either. But they're just so damn close to where I live and convenience is a factor.

Anyway, like I said, I need to wash away the day. How am I going to to do that? With a mango beer. Mango Even Keel to be exact. From Ballast Point. Now Ballast Point is in a weird place in the beer world. It's owned by a big beer owning company thing, but it isn't one of the like big crap ones. I think. I remember something about Corona. Or something. Fuck if I know. I am going to drink beer because drawing this out is killing my funky flow.

It smells like joy. And by joy I mean mangoes and tropical fruit style hops. Like you can definitely smell the hops in it, as you should since, you know, it's a session IPA and they are supposed to be more hoppier because they use less malt or something. But the hop taste is definitely second fiddle to the mango, which, again, I feel like it should be because the mango has top billing. And yes I choose to ignore the fact that mango session IPA makes more sense than session IPA mango when used to describe a beer. It is my choice to cherry pick facts that only confirm my biases. This is called confirmation bias. Because of course it it.

I like this a lot and let me tell you why. Mangoes are magical. Mic drop. Then pick up mic cuz I ain't done talkin' yet. This beer is pretty mango-y. And I like that. It's awesome. But the thing about mangoes is that they are crazy sweet. That one mango beer I drank that one time way back when was amazing. But then I had to shave my teeth. It was that sweet. This beer is mango forward, but it's cut with enough hops that the bitter and dry hops cut that sweetness. So rather than gag on super rich sweetness, you can drink a bunch of these. Which is awesome if you like the taste of beer but have poor impulse control. Not that the hops don't contribute in their own magical ways. There is some pineapple and spice in there that gives this a nice little tropical Caribbean flavor. I really want a rum punch right now.

Bad stuff is just standard IPA bad stuff. Blah blah blah bitter in the back of the throat. Blah blah blah oral sex joke. And the mango can make the bitter in the back of the throat be a little bit burny and maybe sort of sour. But I had a bad day today so bonus points for containing mango. Nothing will crush my dreams for this beer. And my dreams for this beer are for it to make me forget I was at Walmart. I hate Walmart.

I choose to drink this from the can, not for you, but for me. That is an empowerment exercise. I assume. But I did consciously grab the cans of this. I knew what this was. Anyway, moving on. Much hoppier from the can. Not complaining but I am complaining. They are juicy hops which is nice, so when the mango come in from behind it is riding the momentum of the pineapple-y hops, but it's like the mango is playing second fiddle to the hops. And again, mango has top billing. All and all it is still a pretty good beer, I just like it a bit better from the glass. The bad stuff is more of the same, but the not bad stuff is where this beer slightly disappoints me. Oh well.

You know how you can tell you're almost in the right place when you're drinking? When you laugh a little bit to hard at an old black lady saying “is that Becky with the good hair?” when trying to guess what the slang term “Becky” means and you realize that you're subtly racist (like the Avenue Q song says “everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes). But not so far that you have an existential crisis about it. When you hit the existential crisis, you have gone too far. Either way, I feel pretty okay. I'm not too too gassy and I have to poop but I get the feeling the two are unrelated. Not too full either. Good times.

I give this an 8.5. Mostly cuz as the night wore on it just sort of tasted like an IPA.

[manofbeerman]

Funky Buddha’s Fire In The Hole

And here we are. Day two of the Man of Beer Man apology tour. I can hear it now. “He'll never make it. He's a big let down” To which I respond yeah probably. But I am doing this for myself. And I'm doing this for you. And I'm doing this because I have a shit lot of beer in my fridge to drink and I will drink it all. Anyway, this was the beer I was originally going to drink for my penance review, because it has habanero in it, and while I like spicy things, beverages are not exactly an appreciated vehicle for spice. I feel like it's going to hurt. Twice. Cuz I got hemmorhoids for days son. I am just dragging this out at this point so I'm gonna just go ahead and drink this. Ugh. Here's Funky Buddha's Fire in the Hole. A red ale with raspberry and habanero.

This smells really good. Like a really good red ale. With fruit in it. I am getting some raspberry, but it's like that raspberry flavoring type of raspberry. Or maybe that's just what raspberries smell like. I wouldn't know. I have never consciously smelled a raspberry.  Honestly I just want to know if I am going to be tasting beaver ass in my beer. Oh you don't know why I would be smelling beaver ass? Well one source of “natural” raspberry flavoring is beaver anal gland secretions. I don't know who decided that was natural, but sure . . . I really hope this has real raspberries in it. Also it doesn't smell spicy so I am hoping that this has mercy on my anus.

That's actually not that bad. I kinda like it in fact. I do have complaints but those come later. First this has some good red ale characteristics. You can taste that thing that happens when you put roasted barley in for color (sort of like toasted malted milk powder) and it has a little bit of a caramel taste to it. That matches nicely with the raspberry tartness and back it with a little bit of sweetness. I am getting just a hint of pepper spice and to be honest that's all it really needs. It kind of warms you up down your esophagus like whiskey does. It's a pretty pleasant feeling.

I did say I had complaints though, and unfortunately the big one is that this beer isn't “enough”. What do I mean by that? Well I'll tell you. One of the problems I am running into with this is that it is difficult to pull out any character from this beer. Like yeah, it's a red ale with raspberry and habanero but so what? The flavors play well with each other and they make for a delightful beverage, but it feels too safe. It sort of just fall flat and I don't really taste anything special in it. So in short it's a really good beer but it was kind of a let down. Maybe I just overhyped it in my head.

Well, this was a gassy beer. I am belching like a mother fucker right now. Also, there was this building peppery thing in it that just kind of lingers after you finish it. But it's awesome because it makes your mouth and your throat warm and it is super comfy. At least to me. I kind of want to give this bonus points because I just love how it's making me feel. And it isn't super alcoholic (only 5.4%) so I'm not drunk. And I'm not full. It's pretty cool. Definitely an awesome drinking experience.

Going from my gut this is a 7.5 to an 8. Maybe we call it a 7.75? I am not big on raspberry in beer but I have had a lot of raspberry beers (it's how I know) and I would buy this again to feed the urge. This wasn't very pennance-y.

[manofbeerman]

Rogue’s Sriracha Hot Stout

So this is what I'm calling the apology tour. Because I feel like I have to apologize for being flaky on my updates. And for pretending it was everyone else's fault but my own (which it totally was I just didn't have enough time or money to fight everyone else in court). I also got really drunk on the weekend that a hurricane hit Florida. That part was pretty fun, especially since it made the weather pretty nice for a few days, but it wasn't conducive to getting anything done.

Anyway, the apology tour is going to be five days worth of reviews of an undetermined size of a bunch of beer that I don't particularly want to drink. Because if I have learned anything in life, apologies must be made with actions that you don't enjoy and then you write about them on the internet so everyone can laugh at you. Yes the clown must put on his shoes and dance and dance and die a little bit inside. So why don't I want to drink these beers you ask? Well today's is Rogue's Sriracha Hot Stout. Enough said (gods damn it).

It smells like disappointment. It smells like a stout with a slight behind the nose, back of the throat chili spiciness. Not like sriracha at all. There is a weird, salty, meaty, umami type of smell to it though. That's pretty cool. Though as I am thinking about that, maybe that is the sign of me not liking this. And that my tummy won't enjoy this. But I am going to pretend to be an optimist and pretend that this is going to be the best thing I have ever done in my life. Awesome.

What is my life? Is it a confused limp through the world towards an eventual happy ending and/or painful, drug fueled death? I can't answer that question. No one can. And no one can answer why this beer is. Beer is supposed to make you happy. That was the deal we made with the creator and the suits in Washington in 1974 when hops were invented. Beer is not supposed to be this. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Sorry about that I slipped out of consiousness for a little while. Did I write anything weird? Because I never reread these. Ever. Anyway this beer is a weird confusing ride for my taste buds and I don't know if they wanna stay on it. On the one hand I want to keep drinking it because I like stouts and it has many stout characteristics. It has that sort of dark malt, chocolate, leather, and smokey thing to it that is pretty cool. But then it has the sriracha things. And they make me sad.

I love sriracha, just let me say that first. But this beer, which apparently has sriracha in it, is not the vehicle for it. Beer should not be salty in the way that this is salty. I like salty umami things, but this is almost like sipping ramen soup both after you added a little too much soy sauce. I also have garlicky burrito breath. Yes the beer is sort of garlicky and chili-y. Like sriracha. In fact this tastes just what you would expect a beer with sriracha in it to taste like. I am sure some of you will love this beer. You are weird. Embrace it. Meanwhile I am going to enjoy this beer in sullen dignity until I am done charging my phone and complain forever on social media.

So no gas problems with this beer though I did have some issues due to IBS. Not sure if it was the beer or the 16 Domino's hot wings I ate for lunch, but I choose to believe that it was a little of each. So basically this beer might trigger your IBS if you have it due to the chili sauce and garlic aspects to it. But if you choose to ignore such things, it isn't filling or heavy, which is crazy for a stout. Still can't get over the fact that I would rather cook with it than drink it though.

I give it a 4 simply because I would cook with it and it got less weird as I drank it. But still weird. Not a fan. Drinking it only makes it a 3. It's a 3 guys.

[manofbeerman]

Dogfish Head’s Biere de Provence

I don't have a super creative introduction to this beer. Like at all. I sort of hate when that happens. But unfortunately comedy comes from a place of pain and I found a position on a different project at work and I am all smiles. Except not really because now that I am momentarily happy at work, how can I find anything to be mad at besides, you know, the news. Which I don't watch because it makes me sad. Sadness doesn't make good comedy. Well it does, but for other people. For me, however, it just makes me want chicken nuggets and ice cream because when I am sad I am either a small child or a pregnant woman. Hint: I ain't birthin' no babies.

Wow, I was able to stretch that out way farther than I thought I was going to be able to. I am the man. But yeah anyway this beer is a beer that I picked up because it was an herbal saison, a summer seasonal, and they only had three left. Of which I only bought two because beer is expensive. Also it was a beer from Dogfish Head so I had to try it. It was out of my hands honestly. I have surrendered to my fate. It's the Biere de Provence. Which means beer of whatever the English word for provence is. Though I assume it is a reference to herbs de provence which is a thing that appears in cooking shows a lot. And much like I don't know what herbs de provence means I also will never make anything I ever see in a cooking show. Let's drink French pretentiousness.

It smells like food. I like food. Food is good. Not sure how well food will translate into beer but that is a story for another time. Next paragraph probably. But for now I am just reveling in the fact that it smells delicious and is making me hungry. Now I can definitely smell the bay leaf in there. And a smell that I am going to call marjoram, because I don't know what marjoram is. I do, however, know that lavendar is a flower and I am intricately familiar with it because, for a time, everything my mom ever bought that smelled good was lavendar. Not that I am complaining because I like the smell of lavender. This beer just don't smell like it. Does it taste like it?

Now I won't lie to you. I don't really know what lavender tastes like. I have not eaten it before. I will say though that I now detect the scent of lavendar in this beer and thus the beer tasted like the smell of lavender for reasons science has never been able to explain to me. I am kind of complaining about it at this point because smells are not supposed to be tastes. That is why they are two different senses. Now besides that, this beer tastes overwhelmingly of bay leaf and citrus. But since this beer does not have citrus, I am going to call this taste marjoram. Marjoram now tastes of citrus. If I am wrong I will just loudly talk over a woman. It works for Trump it can work for me too. That sentence hurt to write.

You know. As much as it hurts me to say, I don't think I like this one so much and here's why: it reminds me of the taste of perfume. It also sits heavy. But lets start with the tastes like perfume. Seriously, this has this weird sweet thing to it that I choose to blame on the marjoram. Especially since I just remembered that the flower my mom likes is lilac and I don't know if I know what lavender smells like. Look they're both purple and start with “L”. Also I am a man and if I am ever going to be gender conforming I have to attribute my lack of knowledge of flowers to my dangly bits rather than the fact that I am genuinely disinterested in any plant that is not food. Mmm food. This beer would be good with food. But I don't have any. Also I am pretty sure that this beer is a meal in a bottle and that I am going to die from over eating because I am a goldfish. And if I am ever going to be goldfish conforming I have to eat myself to death because there is food in front of me because of my tiny brain rather than the fact that I am a fatty. No seriously. I am really full. And only a half glass in. And this tastes boozy. And like perfume. I am uncomfortable.

I have the lingering taste of pickled peaches in my mouth. I am conflicted. Because pickled peaches are tasty. But I just opened the second bottle of this beer. I also kind of don't want to drink the second bottle of this beer because of those reasons I didn't like it from the glass. But the bottle is open. And I paid for it. So down the hatch with grandma perfume number two. (Not MY grandma's perfume, because my grandma keeps it classy. Probably your grandma's perfume.)

Holy crap it's so boozy. It has that weird beer booze thing in the back of the taste that only beer has because I have no understanding of what tings taste like. All I know is that in the back of my throat this tastes like alcohol. Not a fan of that. Strangely enough though, I feel like I have grown accustomed to he taste of the herbs and the weird sweetness from the marjoram. And the citrusy-ness of the marjoram. And the bay leaf like taste that at first you would expect was from the bay leaf in this beer but it is obviously from the marjoram. Or maybe it's just that I can't smell that over powering aroma of marjoram and thus this is a little less overwhelming to the senses. Either way, this beer is still a little too marjoram-y to me. It's still really overwhelming.

You know I was feeling really crappy and uncomfortable, but now I am happy and slightly inebriated. I credit the magical earth powers of marjoram. Is there anything that this herb can't do? Yeah, probably, but I want a book deal, my own supplement line, a day time television show and 8 million Facebook followers, so fuck it marjoram cures cancer, aids, and premature ejaculation. Am I rich yet? Either way, this beer is probably pretty good for the digestion because I know longer feel like a fat ass for eating too much McDonald's. Also, it isn't too terribly gassy. It is pretty heavy and filling and alcoholic (8.3%)  though so drink carefully. As long as your name isn't Man of Beer Man.

I give it a 5. Sorry, but it was way too much like drinking perfume.

[manofbeerman]

Blue Moon’s Chai Spiced Ale

So yeah. About why this is late . . . you see there was this hurricane. And then a bunch of stuff happened. And now I'm drinking Blue Moon. So who is the real victim here? Exactly. The people who actually suffered from the hurricane. Thankfully it didn't affect me too badly (really only my mental health after 7 hours of my smoke detectors beeping every 15 minutes), but I did know some people that possibly got hit pretty hard so I was trying to figure out if they were okay. Then I had to sort out job interview shit because they got postponed because of the storm. It sucked, but I'm alive and financially okayish (that is not the fault of the hurricane I am just bad at money).

Moving on from depressing topics to a less depressing though still not ideal topic. Chai. I like chai. In tea. I do not like it in beer. In fact I drain poured the last chai spiced beer I drank because it was making me physically ill. Then on top of everything its made by Blue Moon so it isn't really craft beer. Then I realized that this is just a blog for drinking beer and that made everything okay. Reframing the situation. That is the name of the game. My therapist would be so proud. I assume. Here we go Blue Moon's Chai Spiced Ale.

Yep it definitely smells like chai. Dunno what chai smells like? Well walk into an Indian restaurant and inhale deeply . . . then order a chai tea and smell it. Don't be racist (jingoist?). Anyway this smells like the ubiquitous Indian spices: cardomom, cinnamon, ginger, et al. But more desserty, so it probably has nutmeg and/or clove in there too. Probably all of it. Basically it smells like what pumpkin spice is called the other 9 months of the year because false scarcity. I'm going to drink this now because I don't want to have this internal discussion again.

Wow. That is a clove-y fucking beer. It's like cloves had a baby with cloves on planet clove, then took it to the early planet earth and through the baby into the magma that was the earth surface, harvested the living cells cloned them and rinsed and repeated until the ultimate weapon was created to kill Superman. Or was that Doomsday's origin story? Either way it doesn't matter because that isn't how evolution works and that entire story line ruined DC comics forever.

Sorry, I went into a weird place there for a second. Just lamenting on childhoods wasted. But yeah. Cloves. There is a lot of clove in this beer. Which is awesome because I like clove. There are also some malty guys in there which is pretty cool, though it tastes like there is some variety of adjunct grain in there. Like rice. Or corn. But probably rice. And the whole thing is pretty sweet. Not quite candy sweet, but it is definitely wanting for a balancing factor. Or we just call this a dessert beer and move on. Which I will. Because I like cloves.

One complaint. Maybe two. Not such a fan of how the cloves are initially delivered to my tongue. See, I drink some of this beer and I get this sort of bitter not so great clove taste up front. Sort of like eating the cloves from my mom's spice rack that one time I did that several times. But then I exhale and it tastes good so I don't mind as much. The next thing I am going to complain about is the general lack of other spice tastes. Like I love clove, but this is supposed to be a chai spiced beer. Truth in advertising Blue Moon. That's all I'm asking. Then again Blue Moon is big beer so truth in advertising probably isn't much of a concern.

You know what's good about twist offs? That callous that you get on your fingers from where you open the beer. So basically nothing. Nothing is good about twist offs. Except the convenience. . . . All hail twist offs. Yes I am lazy. This is something that my career advisor constantly drives into my head. Also as I read the bottle I found out where that adjunct taste came from: oats. This beer is brewed with oats. Therefore it is oat meal and healthy. This is an example of the logic that made my college philosophy teacher nuts and why I would make a good lawyer. Except my character is easily assassinated and I am easily bored.

Now those of you that know my writing habits, quirks, and other words millenials throw around as excuses not to assimilate (I do the same thing but at least I call it what it is) you would realize that I rambled on and on while mentioning beer little to not at all in that last paragraph. The reason is because I have nothing new to say about how this beer tastes. Well maybe its more bready. But that's about it. I would mention something about the mouthfeel and how that is related to the colloidal proteins in the oats that this is brewed with, but who has the time. Or the necessary dictionary to know what all of those words mean. And the analytical ability to piece together the all together meaning of that sentence. It is pretty smooth, almost oily, but in a moisturizing kind of way in the mouth though. It's pretty nice despite how unpleasant I made it sound.

Final thoughts: I'm mostly sober (lame) a little headachey (also lame) but not full or gassy or feeling like shit. So I consider this a win. Especially since I contaminated the experiment with dinner and a dinner beer. So if you like vegan quinoa and lentil bowls and chocolate bocks just know that you can safely put those on top of this beer and remain a functional though slightly uncomfortable human. Because of the headaches. Also the lentils are making me sort of gassy but that is not an effect of this beer.

I give it an 8 because clooooooves. Seriously. Clove is a risky flavor (or at least rare) but I love it and I really appreciate this beer for it.

[manofbeerman]

Crooked Can and ABC’s Steam Jack

As you probably noticed, or more than likely didn't, I missed my deadline last week. That's my bad. I was not feeling well mentally and ended up drinking the beer I was going to review, then I didn't feel well physically because I had IBS issues. Probably because of this cold I'm currently fighting. And stress. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a hobo drifter. Selling beer reviews, software, and bass lines. Just doing sort of what comes natural. But then I think of the amount of quarters I would have to carry around for laundry and showers and I'm like “nah”. Either way I do apologize. I am currently planning out a penance review. That should be out in about two weeks. It will be a special along with some other ones. I figure I need to drink some of the beer that has just been sitting around.

So today's beer is kind of cool. It marks the 80th year that ABC liquor stores have been around. It was a collaboration between ABC and The Crooked Can and it's called Steam Jack. They say it's a Florida Common, but beer advocate says it's a California Common so I'm gonna go with that. I mean basically it's just a lager that is brewed with a yeast that ferments at ale temperatures, but hey. I am not in the beer style naming profession, so I am just regurgitating what I read on Beer Advocate just now. I mean, these intros are just filler when I have nothing interesting to say. And that is me today. I just want to drink a play video games.

Welp, it smells like a beer. Which is about what I expected from a beer that wasn't fiddled with. And in a season where everything is fucking pumpkin spiced, it's nice to just have a good beer. It does, however, smell like a good beer. A delicious beer. You get some nice bitter hoppy things in there, a bit of the roasted caramel malt guys, and something sort of fruity, but I am 90 percent its just natural fructins that exist in beer naturally. I assume. I am not a botanical chemist. Probably. But what I definitely am is sober and I seek to rememedy that.

Wow. That was different than how I expected it to be. But not in a bad way. Not by a long shot. There is this classic but not overwhelming bitterness up front that kind of dominates a lot of the taste. But that mingles really nicely with the nice malty backbone, which is a great foundation for this beer. It definitely tips bitter in the balance, but it is a very nice balance. I guess that is kind of what to expect from a beer that is basically a hybrid lager/ale. This is a lager (at least officially) but fermented at ale temperatures. It seems to have that light hoppy character of a lot of lagers, but also a good strong malt backbone that a lot of ales have. There is some light caramel notes as the beer warms up and I almost want to say burnt sugar. Tasty stuff.

Negative things? Well basically only the usual hoppy lager stuff. The more maltyness didn't really help the grassy type of taste you get in the back of the taste in a lot of the hoppy lagers. I didn't mind it too much though, because while it was present I didn't particularly mind it. It wasn't a glaring thing. Not enough to put me off this beer. Like at all. And my exhales taste like bread dough.

The beer comes in a can. Which is sort of aggravating. At least for review purposes. But it is a good beer from a can. It does work from the can though. It's a really good beer from the can. At least as far as beer drinking from the can goes. There's still a lot of that hop bitterness in there but the malty thingies are more within there and that's pretty sweet. It's bread doughy and toasty rather than caramelly and burnt sugary. The grassy thing isn't as prevalent from the can which is nice, but I sort of prefer it from a glass. Little bigger taste, little more complexity.

Now I don't usually use the word “dangerous” to describe a beer, but for this one it seems apt. I am three or four deep into this six pack and they went down like water. Holy shit it's so easy drinking. And it doesn't sit heavy or leave me bloated. But it doesn't suck either. This is like the perfect beer for college age me. Or drinking to forget me. Either one really. But it definitely isn't the correct beer for has to get up tomorrow for work and still hasn't washed his work clothes me. And guess which one I am? Right. The last two. Thus creating a beer paradox that will hopefully result in me being forcefully ejected from the universe. But since it won't I think I should do more laundry.

I give this beer an 8. It is crazy solid, really tasty stuff. Not perfect, but what is perfect.

[manofbeerman]

Sam Adams’ Maple Ale

Wanna hear a joke about minorities? Fuck all guys named Ashley who where handlebar moustaches yet spell it “mustache”. See what I did there? I was talking about about statistical minorities, not ethnic minorities. You thought that was going to go to a dark place. Or you didn't. And if you are a member of that said statistical minority then that sucks. Shave your face, spell the word appropriately for your chosen face appearance, or add me on Facebook. I will accept any and all of these. And that's what I think of when I see the word “minority” appear in news print. “That politician hates minorities” “What? Did a Filipino lawyer multimillionaire who works in McDonald's in their spare time insult his mom or something?”

But I really want to talk about, what I hope, is a minority. Americans, particularly North Americans (looking at you Canada) who don't like maple syrup. I know, I know. Some of you can't believe they exist but they do. They deny the delicious pancake/waffle/bacon/scrambled egg topping and think that it is just not good. They snub the best donuts. It's just upsetting. And while I will still love you and cherish you, I will never cosign a loan with you (or help you with your college entrance essays or write you a letter of recommendation. Wherever you're at in life). You cannot be trusted. Now why do I specifically call out maple haters? Two reasons. One, I hope that somehow this article makes something click. And two, cuz I'm reviewing Sam Adams' Maple Ale.

It smells sweet and malty. Which I suppose is about right. It definitely has that maple-icious je ne se quois in the smell. The smell of fall. And breakfast. Fall and breakfast. I really dig the color too. I like that color in a beer. It also fill me with some dread though. Because along with that sweet malty mapley smell comes the smell and color of an amber. Okay dread is a strong word. But it sounds better than  “reluctance to put into my mouth because I am afraid it will taste bad” and there is obviously no amount of middle ground between those to things. I'ma drink it.

It's pretty good. Which, while not the highest praise anyone has given anything, it is definitely not mind shreddingly foul. Between those two things there is definitely middle ground. But yeah to describe the taste I would use the word brown-y. Brown like. Brown adjacent. Sort of ambery. But since that tells you nothing I figure I will use human words. It is kind of rich and thick up front. With some sweetness coming from the malts and backed up by the maple. It's a bit bitter as well, but not in a hoppy kind of way. More like a burnt should dealio. After that wort of initial shock wears off the system, you swallow and get all sorts of cereal tasting things. I attribute this again to the maple and the malt.

However, this isn't the tee ball league I was in when I was seven so not everybody gets a trophy. Even if the trophy would be a temporary boost to a young boy's self esteem. Unfortunately pretty good does not get you into the Man of Beer Man League of Beer's That I Think Are Tasty. Or MoBMLoBTITAT. I was also given a participation trophy in naming things so I know what's up. But yes this Sam Adams brew must, sadly, be withheld from that thing that I said earlier that I can't be bothered to copy and paste. Because it does the amber thing. AND. I. HATE. THAT. It has that burnt grass, hay backtaste to it that I blame on crystal malt despite possessing no data or even possibly data to the contrary. Because America.

From the bottle it's pretty much itself except from the bottle. So it does from the bottle things. Like all of the flavors kind of join up. Like a ragtag band of misfits looking for gold. Or something. My ability to metaphor is suffering from a lack of mind-brain communication. But fundamentally what's happening is that all of the flavors of this beer are sort of swirling around together creating a taste sort of like maple syrup on burnt toast. And then it does the amber thing. And that's why little Timmy was kicked out of baseball camp Mrs. Douglas. It is much easier drinking from the bottle though, so maybe little Timmy has a future as something non-baseball related. And you know it's bad when even the writer of an article knows that he is hopelessly lost in the quagmire of his own words.

Final thoughts: well, I did not have a third one of these. But I did have Indian food. And one helping of Indian food is roughly equivalent to one beer. And I have the math to prove it:

And it's on graph paper so you know it's super serious (ignore the sideways-ness though. Tumblr did that). But even if you don't believe the theory, I was able to put away a bunch of Indian food plus two of these beers plus five ounces of prosciutto panino (basically mozzarella wrapped in prosciutto) and I am now drinking another different beer. So I am going to assume this beer is not filling. And since the only thing killing me right now is the crushing realization that everything I have ever known and will know is only a tiny blip on what is basically the life of the universe and not my stomach, I only have one crisis to worry about. And existential crises are solved by beer. I like beer.

I give this one a 7. And a participation trophy.

[manofbeerman]

Sam Adams’ Bonfire Blonde

I feel I have lost all of your guys' trust. And that's probably my fault (especially since this is late . . . again). I have not been super dependable with my updates recently because of personal bullshit and I kind of pulled a Drew Carrey show and changed my release schedule to Wednesdays without talking about it or announcing it in any way. But yeah that's my bad. But I will attempt to remedy that today. And not in my usual method of trying to make you as uncomfortable as possible, but instead by attempting to establish a rapport.

How will I do that you ask? Well by bonding with you over shared experiences. And beer. Shared experiences and beer. Mostly beer. In this case, it's Sam Adams' Bonfire Blonde. It's a beer I am sure most of you are able to get so I'm not bragging about the cool shit I get that you don't and its a smokey beer that kindles feelings of camp fires and whatnot. Now I don't camp, but I love a good camp fire. Love wood fires. So yeah, let's dive into some autumn nostalgia.

It smells like smoke and beer. Which is delightful. It reminds me of bonfires and barbecues with beer. And that is actually the kind of feeling the aroma gives off. You have like a wood fire going and you're drinking a summer type of beer. Like a blonde. Or a lite beer. Or a lager. Or whatever. Basically it is a beer that smells like wood, smoke, beer, and fire. Which is just nice. It makes me feel all nostalgic. For like commercials and shit cuz I don't fucking camp. I'ma drink it now.

That is a delightful taste. That gets delightfuller as you exhale. You get that sort of fresh, clean, sweet blonde malty taste up front and it is followed by the taste of liquid smoke. Like the smoke taste is there but sort of drowned out or muted by the beer. But then that first exhale after the first drink just saturates you palate with wood smoke. It is a seriously cozy flavor. At least to me. It tastes like the smell of fall up north and, to a lesser extent, winter. Again, at least to me. It's kinda like fire places.

I have two problems with this beer, though I wouldn't really call them problems. The first is that the rest of the beer, while awesome, never really hits that peak it had in the first taste. I dunno if that big hit desensitizes the palate or if this thing doesn't like air circulation but I felt like I was chasing a dragon.

The second “problem” is that after the desensitization of the palate to the smoke flavor, you taste more of the underlying blonde and, unfortunately, most blondes are boring and this one is now exception except for the smoke. There is also a kind of grainy back taste that you taste more when you are desensitized to the smoke, but, again, its a blonde.

After the bottle the super smokey thing is back. It is not quite as there, but it blends with the grainy taste of the blonde and they actually kinda work really nicely together. It kinda reminds me of bacon and grits. It's nice. I'm actually really enjoying my drinking experience and now I want to grill. Or barbecue. Or buy a fire pit. Not sure if my apartment complex allows that though. Ugh.

Final thoughts, that was tasty. I enjoyed it. I only drank two but I am feeling it but mostly I just kind of want to drink more. But I don't have anymore. I mean I have more beer, I just don't have anymore bonfire blonde. And that makes me a sad panda. Hopefully, you all will drink this after this review and feel all warm and comfy with me, forgive me, and start liking my posts again. Seriously. My ego needs the stroking. Please?

I give this an 8.5. I love the smoke, I love the flavors, I am not super sold on the blonde being the best vehicle for the smoke.

[manofbeerman]

JDub’s Passion Wheat

Now I would say that I chose to purchase and drink this beer on my own accord and definitely not because my extremely attractive friend did a bikini photoshoot with her boyfriend drinking this beer, but that would make me a liar. And I never lie. Except to myself. Like that one time I convinced myself that I only ever lie to myself and tell everyone else the truth. That was fun. What else is fun is passion fruit in beer.

And oh would you look at that. This beer has passion fruit in it. Isn't that a coincidence. There is also mango in it, which is sort of like a passion fruit if you have never seen or eaten a passion fruit. Or if you somehow don't have an internet connection. Or have a phobia of fruit. But yeah they don't really taste similar unless similar in your book means “fucking delicious” and it is good enough in my book. And they taste good together so I don't need any more of your attitude. What I do need though is a beer. So I am gonna make that happen. Here's JDub's Passion Wheat. Drink local.

Man, this beer is the scent of my childhood. See I was that weird kid that, when everyone would was apple or grape juice, would ask for passion fruit punch or guava or some shit. My tamest juice choice was orange. And this is really REALLY passion fruity. In the smell at least. Yeah ther is some mango in the scent but it's basically overwhelmed by the passion fruit. Not gonna lie, was kinda hoping this would be unfiltered so I could get some fruit pulp but oh well.

It tastes like what you would expect it to taste like, but less so. Which in my opinion is a good thing. See it isn't like that manog thing that I had a while ago. You taste the passion fruit and the mango up front and through the middle of the taste, but it fades out. Let's the wheat come forward and do it's wheat beer things. And it's A LOT drier and less sweet then I thought it would be, which my guts are sure to appreciate. It's always nice to wake up not regretting your life choices. There isn't a lot in the way of hoppy things which I think is a slight mistake because I think some pineapple-y hops would be good in this, but then again I am not a brewer so my words mean nothing.

If I had one complaint it would be that it does the thing. I call it the fruity wheat beer thing. It's that thing where fruity wheat beers have that after taste like apple skin. I don't like the fruity wheat beer thing. It fills me with the negative emotions I drink beer to avoid dealing with. But I'm drinking beer so we'll cal the whole thing a wash. I do wish there was more oomph though. It's not quite a whimper or a blonde, but passion fruit. It needs passion. But I like it so who the fuck cares about technical things or feelings?

It's better from the glass drink it from the glass. Or don't. I mean either way I still don't get paid. But my recommendation is to drink it from the glass. I mean it still has the same flavors, but they all sort of run together and then it does the fruity wheat beer thing EVEN MORE. Plus side though, I'm burping passion fruit. If you can't understand why burping passion fruit is so important to me then you just don't understand me or my struggles. You know, it kind of tastes like seltzer when you drink it from the can. I can dig it. Seltzer with beer vitamins and the fruity wheat beer thing. I take it back. I can't dig it. No one should dig it.

This is a six pack I finished with no regrets. It was awesome. I am kinda drunk but that's because I drank 6 in a little under 3 hours. It's only 4.2% abv so if you are a responsible drinker like I'm not you should be okay. I seriously didn't even notice I was finishing off the last one. I fell in to a trap I fall into occasionally where I am doing something and drinking/eating something and then suddenly it's gone. This sits super easy in the guts and is not filling.

I give it a 9. I want more. I might buy more this weekend. Maybe. I have plans this weekend so maybe not.