Should Have Known
hey this isnt finished but its in my drafts so i thought id post it anyways lololol enjoy!!
pairing - Spencer Reid x reader
warnings - angst, hurt/comfort, throwing up, abuse, kidnapping, torcher, fluff (at the end)
word count -
a/n - NOT FINISHED OR PROOFREAD read at your own risk lmao!!! sorry for the cliffhanger ending i wrote this and then i went back to school and i got a bf and shit but ended up dumping that ho (stay woke men aint shit) so im back and now i have no clue where i was going with it sooo uhh enjoy ig?
——————
When you were younger, your brother ran with the wrong crowd. It was only when you left, that you realised how dangerous they truly were. Your family were constantly trying to get you back, constantly trying to catch you. You were always running.
At 16, you ran away from your abusive family, since then, you were watching you back constantly. Never getting too close and never showing emotion. Your father always said “emotion shows weakness”, never showing how you truly felt became a part of you, it became a part of your persona.
Even after a tough case, you never cried, you never smiled when it was over, you never even laughed (at least not in front of the team). It comforted you, the way that nobody knew the true you. You felt safe when you did this, like they couldn’t find you.
You should have known it was only a matter of time.
——————
It all started when a series of murders started in your hometown, where the local police requested the BAU to help. On the jet, you were nervous to be home, it had been years since you had been there. You were biting your nails, bouncing your leg up and down and Hotch noticed. Nobody knew why you left, they only knew that you had to leave for your safety. Your boss took you aside, he didn’t want to know why you left, he just wanted to make sure you were capable of doing your job.
“Honey are you okay to work this case?”
Honey was your nickname on the team, Morgan called you it sarcastically, said it's bc you're "sweet like honey". When he said it, everybody started calling you it. The name separated you from your biological family and your bau family. It made you feel safe, it made you feel at home, even if you didn’t show it.
You realised that Hotch was looking at you, waiting for an answer, you looked into his eyes, showing him you were fine. Deep down you knew you weren’t, you had a bad feeling about this case, you should’ve listened to your gut and stayed at home.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine”
“You are not fine, but I’m going to trust you on this. If you get a bad feeling, tell me and you can go back to Quantico and help Garcia”
Go back home, help Penelope, leave now, your mind was screaming at you. You wanted to go back, to feel safe, to be in Penelopes Lair, looking at pictured of the crimes on a screen, but you couldn’t show that. You had to be strong, it was only a matter of time before you had a case here. You couldn’t run home like a child, you had to do this.
“Yes, sir”
You looked into his eyes again, seeing the hesitation in them before he let you sit back down and finished briefing the rest of the team. After the briefing, you kept noticing the team’s eyes on you, you felt like crawling back to Quantico. None of them had the courage to ask you except Spencer. He was next to you, he didnt make a big deal of it like Morgan would.
“Are you okay?” He leaned closer to you and whispered.
You sighed.
“Yes I’m fin-“
“You’re biting your nails and bouncing your leg which tells me you’re nervous, Hotch took you aside to talk to you and you’re not looking at me in the eye like you usually do. You are not fine” He blurted out, as if he was waiting for you to say you were “fine”.
“No profiling each other, Spencer” you tried to change the subject, hoping he’d forget through fact that you were scared shitless incase your family found you.
“No changing the subject, whats so bad about being in your hometown? I love going back to Vegas because i can see my mother. I know you left because it wasn’t safe but wouldn’t it be nice to see your family?” He questioned. For once Spencer was clueless, he didn’t know everything.
“Drop it Spencer. I don’t want to talk about it” you answered sharply, not noticing how loud you were. Everyone was looking at you, usually you’d be fine, but suddenly you felt sick to your stomach, you were too hot, the walls were closing in. You felt vulnerable, so you got up and ran to the bathroom. You started at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes, hoping you’d changed since your parents and your brother had last seen you. The more you thought about your family, the worse you felt.
Suddenly you threw up into the toilet, leaving a disgusting taste in your mouth. As you were crouched on the toilet, someone knocked on the door,
“Honey? Its been a few minutes, if you don’t open this door I’m kicking it down” Derek called as you smiled internally, knowing his love for kicking down doors. You flushed the toilet and rinsed you mouth. As you opened the door, you noticed the whole team crowding around you.
“Whats wrong Honey?” Emily looked at you, but you couldn’t look back. Your eyes stayed on your feet as you started walking to your seat. Morgan blocked you from doing that. You looked straight into his eyes and turned around to the group.
“I am fine. Nothings wrong with me, stop doubting me and let me do my job” you announced. You made sure to look at everyone to get your point across. Spencer looked guilty, thinking this was his doing, but it wasn’t. Derek moved and you sat down in Spencers seat, looking out the window. He didn’t complain, he just wanted you to be ok.
——————
After what felt like centuries of stares, you finally landed. As you got up, your knees felt weak. You stopped thinking about your family and started thinking about the case, ready to go to the crime scene. Of course Hotch stopped you, letting you know you’d be working from the precinct. You rolled your eyes and got in the back seat of the car with Emily and JJ.
You were thankful they didn’t say anything about what happened on the jet. You all started discussing the case, and your past in the town lay in the back of your mind, forgotten, until you were at the police station. You stepped in confidently, you waited until Hotch introduced everyone, then you walked to the room one of the officers said you could work out of. Officer Sanders you think his name was, but you couldn’t remember anything right now.
As you stepped in the room you took in your surroundings, you’d been in this building a lot when you were a kid. Back when your brother would be arrested minimum once a week, and you had to sit there waiting for you parents to come bail him out, and scold him for taking you with him, knowing it fell in deaf ears. You were listening to Hotch when a Mexican cop came in, smiling while looking at you, opening his arms for a hug. Officer Martín Velasco, he was the one that would take care of you. He was always suspicious of your parents for doing something, but he didn’t have any evident to prove it. Whatever they did, they hid it well.
You instantly got up and hugged him, smiling while doing so. Everybody was looking, even Hotch and Rossi, they were all wondering who this man was, except Spencer. He was watching you, wondering how you smile was so beautiful. It wasn’t a polite smile, it was a real smile, full of joy. It reached your eyes, you showed your teeth. You looked truly happy. You pulled back from the hug and looked at Hotch, wanting silent permission to catch up with the man who practically raised you. He nodded, while getting the teams attention back to the case. You both left the room and stepped out into the hallway.
“Hola tío”, you called him your uncle because your dad would get angry if you called him your father, which he practically was. He smiled at you again, he was so proud of you. You were practically his third kid, with how much time you spent with him.
“Hola mija, you’ve gotten so big! Im so proud of you, FBI? I knew getting you out of this town was the right thing to do” he started, his Mexican accent coming out a bit, he had a stronger accent when you knew him over 10 years ago. He had helped you get out of this town, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get evidence for the case he was trying to build against your parents, so he paid for your bus out, and gave you money to rent and apartment. He also told you to put his name down as a reference for your first job. He drove to your house the night of your 16th birthday and helped you put all your belongings in his car. Then he drove you to the bus stop, kissed your hairline, and said goodbye. The moment was bittersweet, but it was the best gift he could’ve gotten you.
“I know, gracias mucho, but I have a question for you tío” you started, he looked at you, urging you to keep going. You both knew what the question was, you knew what the answer was but you needed the confirmation.
“Is my family still here?” You looked at him for a few seconds, taking him in. His salt and pepper hair was gone, now replaced with a full head of hair, if you weren’t so worried, you would’ve joked how he still had the same haircut after 10 years. The look he gave you was all the confirmation you needed, they were still in the town, probably waiting for you to run back to them. You gave Martín one last hug and a thank you before you made your way back to your team.
You were there just in time for Hotch to say that you were staying in the precinct with Reid. You rolled your eyes while walking towards Spencer. You didn’t look up to him, too focused on marking all the areas where the victims were found. If you looked up, you would’ve seen how angry and jealous he was. You rarely smiled at him, when you did they were all polite smiles. They didn’t reach your eyes like that smile did. All it took was one smile to distract Reid. You should’ve never even smiled. This is what happens when you show emotion. Your father was right, and you were paying the price.
“Who was that man?” Spencer asked after a few minutes of silence. You furrowed your eyebrows, did he think it was your dad or something? You forgot he didn’t know. You wouldn’t be surprised if Penelope knew. One look into your your file and she’d see just what your childhood was like. Always at the police station, and if you weren’t there, you’d be at the hospital. The doctors didn’t suspect anything, you didn’t act like a normal abuse victim, you were always a cheery little girl. Always telling the doctors exactly how your newest injury happened. What they didn’t know, was that on the way over your parents made you rehearse what to say. You didn’t know any better, thinking it was normal for your family to do this.
“He’s just my uncle” you responded after realising you only responded to him in your head.
“What?” Spencer said, having forgotten his question. His jealousy and his rage plaguing his mind.
“The officer, he’s my uncle, well not really but-“ you cut yourself off, not wanting to trauma dump on poor Reid. Little did you know, he wanted you to keep going, ever since he saw you hug him, he didn’t know if he should trust Martín or not. Is he the reason you left. If so, why were you so happy to see him. Was it a fake smile? If it was you should be an actor.
“But what?” He wanted- no he needed the answer. He feels like he needs to keep you safe. He still thinks its all him fault, if only he knew.
“I think I’m done here” you pointed out the two circles on the map, blue for the abductions, red for the disposal sites.
“Yeah, we are. I’ll call Hotch” you noticed how disappointed he sounded. You felt bad, but you didn’t want to tell him what happened to you. You didn’t need another person feeling bad for you. It was in the past right? wrong.
——————
Hotch agreed to let you come to the next crime scene, feeling like you learnt your lesson. It was also because you didn’t have anything better to do. You don’t know why he was punishing you. Was it because you stood up for yourself? Maybe he was protecting you the only way he could. You wished you’d focused more on the latter rather than the former, maybe then you wouldn’t be in this mess.
The disposal sites changed, before they were hidden, in abandoned buildings, houses being built. The newest one was in an alley. There was a message next to it. It seemed to be in morse code. Spencer figured it out quickly, being a genius and all.
“We’re coming for you next, cupcake” Spencer said after a few seconds of mumbling. You froze. Cupcake? This better be a coincidence. Cupcake was what your family called you, it used to be your favourite food. Then they ruined it. Like they ruined everything. Did they do this on purpose? Was the sole purpose of these kills just to bring the bau in? Did they do this so you’d come back ‘home’? The victims did look vaguely like you, were this their way of showing what they’d do to you if when they found you? You walked right into their trap, now you just have to wait for the inevitable. You wished you had more faith in your team but your father and your brother have been planning this ever since you left.
The team still didn’t know what the message meant. They discussed it on the way back to the precinct. They knew it was a taunt but they didn’t know it was meant for you. You were quiet before, but know you were silent. Not saying a word, not even pretending to listen. You stared at the floor, thinking about every single person you’d seen. Who looked at you too long? Who did you see a suspicious amount of times. Who told them? All of a sudden, everyone left the room, everyone except Hotch. Did he know? Did Garcia unseal the documents? Why is everyone gone? Is Hotch the one helping them? You were ashamed of that last question.
“Is there something i need to know, Honey?” Hotch questioned, he was annoyed that he had to confront you about this twice. Usually if you had a problem with a case, you’d go straight to him, but not now. The guilt was eating you up. The guilt from hiding this from him. The guilt of everything. You motioned for him to come closer, you never knew who might be listening. Your parents practically owned this room years ago. Who knows if they bugged the place. You sighed before you revealed what you’ve been holding since the crime scene.
“I think i know who did this” you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding. You told Hotch everything, from the abuse, to the way you’ve been watching your back for years. It felt good to let it out, you only hoped you wouldn’t regret this. He called everyone on the team, shut the blinds, and closed the door. Then he told your secret to the team. The one you’ve been keeping since birth. Your walls were cracking while he was speaking, and when he was finished, your walls collapsed.
Everybody was looking at you when he was done. They didn’t look at you like they did before. They didn’t look at you like a woman who worked for the FBI. They looked at you with guilt. You felt like you were a little girl again, and you hated it. They looked at you like they understood what it was like in that house. They didn’t. Everybody tried apologising, but it wasn’t their fault.
“It’s in the past, I don’t want apologies for something you didn’t do. All I want to do is put them away” you announced, hoping they’d forget. They didn’t, they couldn’t. Garcia was crying on the screen, Morgan, Hotch and Emily were ready to kill them. Spencer felt bad for trying to make you see them, Rossi wanted to make you some good pasta with a lot of booze, and JJ, with tears in her eyes was wondering how a mother, a father, and a brother could to that to a child.
——————
After a few minutes, (and a few walls punched by Derek), Garcia sent out your brother’s address, and his picture. His apartment was empty. Next you all went to your parent’s house. Chills ran up your spine as you cleared the house. While everyone was looking for evidence, you stared at the stairs. You went up to your old bedroom. Tears pricked your eyes when you walked in. They hadn’t changed it. It looked like no one stepped foot in there since you left. You felt an arm around your shoulder, it was Spencer. You pulled him into a hug, by the looks of it, he needed it more than you.
After a while, you pulled away from the hug, when you remember the basement. The basement was hidden. You walked into the living room, pulling up the rug and opening the latch, getting ready to go in. Morgan and Emily joined you, they felt the need to protect you since learning your secret. You walked down the steps and the smell brought back memories. You were sent down here as a punishment, for being late home, for talking back. It was safe to say you spent a lot of time here.
Once it was clear, you flicked on the lights. You put on gloves and started going through all the stuff you left down there. Book from when you were young, old clothes and textbooks. You put your gun down, still looking around. You turned to leave, but stopped when you noticed Derek and Emily fixated on a certain spot on the floor. You cringed as you remembered how it got there.
“Please sir im sorry it wont happen again i swear” you begged, you were crying. You had been caught sneaking out by your brother, who had reported you to your father. You were only going to the kitchen, you had been locked down there for hours without food. You were only 11. He didn’t care though. He wanted you to learn your lesson. You felt the bruises forming with each kick and punch. You wouldn’t be able to go to the hospital, you had already been there this week. You’d have to fix yourself up. When he was done, he left. You started at the small puddle of blood on the floor, that would remain on the floor for the next 15 years.
“Could this be one of the victims bloods?” Derek questioned, breaking the silence.
“Maybe, we should get it checked” Emily responded, none of them realised how quiet you were.
“It’s not” you mumbled, turning to leave.
“Who’s is it then” Morgan asked, tired of you keeping secrets from him.
“It’s mine” you walked away, leaving Emily and Derek in shock.
——————
You got in the car and drove back to the precinct, recovering after being in the house you unfortunately grew up in. The second that you set foot in the precinct Spencer ran up to you, hugging you.
“Are you okay?” He asked, he sounded panicked.
“Yes? I’m fine why?” You didn’t know why he was so worried, and why he hugged you. He usually cares about bacteria too much to give any sort of physical contact. Why’s he hugging you?
“Great. That’s great.” He was relieved. What is he not telling you?
“Why wouldn’t I be fine? Why are you hugging me?” He noticed that he was still hugging you, slightly embarrassed with himself. You studied his face, his eyes were slightly red, his hair looked messy. You liked his hair like that. His top button was open, his collarbones were poking through. Oh god. Were you attracted to Spencer? Before you could give yourself an answer, the team ran into the station.
“Honey!” Morgan exclaimed, relief washing over him.
“We’re so glad you’re okay” Jj added. Why are they all so worried for you?
“Whats going on?” You asked, sick of nobody getting an answer.
“We found current pictures of you at your parent’s house” Hotch began. Your eyes started stinging, did they knew where you were the whole time? How recent?
“What do you mean recent?” You choked out, not wanting to believe they were still looking for you.
“They have photos from when you leaving, to you coming into the police station today,” Rossi responded, not wanting to keep things from you.
“You’re staying at the station, you will have someone from the team with you and an officer” Hotch added.
You knew he was trying to keep you safe but you couldn’t help but feel annoyed. You were capable of defending yourself. You could fight, you had a gun, and you’d be with your team. Why didn’t Hotch trust that you could keep yourself safe. You should’ve listened to Hotch.
——————
You were currently sitting in a room with Spencer and Officer Sanders. you wished it was Velasco, but you knew if he was there instead you’d be chatting the whole time. The team searched your brother’s apartment and your parent’s house again. Emily updated you on their findings.
There were pictures of you at your first apartment. Pictures of you in college. Pictures of your first day at the bau. They had pictures of everything. If they knew where you were, why didn’t the catch you sooner.
The anticipation was worse than knowing that they knew where you were. The fact that they could grab you at any moment, but they chose to wait. They brought you to them, not the other way around. They must have a plan. You should have told Spencer that. You should have stayed at Quantico.
Spencer left to help the team and it was just you and Officer Sanders. You tried to make conversation, but he was having none of it. You decided to put your head down and go to sleep.
Reid walked in and smiled to himself when he found you asleep. Sanders was sitting at another table trying to read up on your parents. Before Spencer could wake you up, Hotch called him to come to the rest of the team.
“But what about Honey?” Spencer questioned, wanting to keep you safe.
“Send Velasco in, he’ll keep her safe” Hotch told him rather quickly, expecting the question. Spencer got Velasco and explained the situation, he was more than happy to protect you. Reid was jealous. Was he not good enough for you? Could he not protect you? He should turn right around and sit there with you, oh how he wishes he did.
——————
The team turned out to be chasing a red herring. At the end of the alley, was a message in morse code again. It was very long, talking about how “the fbi couldn’t keep you safe”, Reid was embarrassed by how long it took him to translate it.
“What do they mean we can’t keep her safe?” Derek asked, tired of the games. Hotch stepped away to take a phone call.
“Every time we have a lead, it turns out to be a dead end, it seems like they had this all planned out” Emily pointed out
Hotch came back, a somber look on his face. The team tried to profile him but it didn’t work. He sighed before telling the team.
“She’s not at the station.” The team gasped, they ran to the cars and drove to the station, lights on. In the room where you were supposed to be, was an injured Officer Sanders, a message on the wall that read “Too Late”, and you and Velasco nowhere to be seen.
——————
You were with Sanders and Velasco, bored out of your mind. You tried making conversation with both of the cops but they both ignored you. You noticed Martín having a weird look on his face, like he was trying to avoid doing something. You got up to go to the bathroom, as you hadnt gone for hours. Velasco immediately stopped you from leaving.
“Please, tío, i really have to go” you pleaded, he didn’t say anything, he just started at you. There was a weird look in his eyes, like he was guilty.
“Whats wrong” you tried to pry information out of him. When that didn’t work, you tried to leave again, but Martín took out his gun, pointing it straight at you. Sanders pointed his gun straight at the man you thought to be your father. You were panicking, your throat was dry. You grabbed the bottle of water Velasco had given to you earlier, not noticing that it was already open.
“No!” Sanders yelled, lunging at you to stop you from drinking the spiked water. Shots were fired. Sanders lay on the floor. In shock, you swallowed the water, noticing your mistake. This was all your fault. You should have never left, then this wouldn’t have happened. You dropped to the floor, too weak to stand up. Martín took out spray paint and wrote the message on the wall. Then he pulled you up over his shoulders. Thats when you went unconscious.
“Perdóname mija” he muttered, while leaving the station with tears in his eyes.
——————
Your Pov
You woke up. Your eyes were tired, like you were going to fall asleep at any second. You tried to move, but your hands were tied above your head, the chains rattling against each other. Your legs were barely touching the ground, practically suspended if you stopped standing on your toes. You blinked hard a few times, trying to focus around the room. It was empty, except for a small rag in the corner, next to a bucket of water. You heard footsteps approaching, your eyes shut, your legs left suspended.
“Look who decided to wake up” your brother yelled, trying to get the attention of your parents. As if on cue, you heard a heavier pair of footsteps. Your father, you winced when you heard him slam the door shut. They started laughing at you.
“How about we wake her up huh?” Your dad taunted. You knew what was coming, you braced yourself. You felt your father punch you in the stomach. You opening your eyes, knowing they didn’t think you were still out.
“Good morning sleeping beauty” your father taunted. When you didn’t respond, he slapped you. You stared at the floor, not wanting to look anyone in the eyes. You were punched, kicked and slapped, until you couldn’t stay awake anymore.
You tried thinking about the good things in your life, the things that made you smile. If you were going to die, you were going to die happy. You didn’t want to die thinking about your father and your brother.
You thought about the book you were in the middle of reading, the way Spencer would’ve laughed at you for taking so long to finish it. Spencer’s laugh, his awkward little smile, the way his face lit up when you listened to his rambling, his rosy cheeks when you complimented him.
The peaceful walks you’d take after a hard case, taking in the scenery before going back to Quantico. All the people you’d saved, sending you thank you letters and gifts. Your favourite shows and movies. Sleeping in your own bed. Your favourite flowers, Hydrangeas.
Hydrangeas symbolised gratitude. You loved them because you were grateful. You were grateful for the BAU, grateful for them taking you in, grateful for treating you like a family and taking care of you. You were grateful for Spencer, grateful to be his friend, grateful for his rambles that slowly taught you more about the world, grateful for his funky socks that always cheered you up when you were done. You were grateful for your neighbour treating you like a daughter she never had. You were grateful for your life. You were happy.
In that moment, you weren’t afraid of death. You didn’t want to die, but if you did, you’d die happy. You thought about your funeral, you knew Spencer would be the only one bringing hydrangeas, telling the world how grateful you were for everything, but also telling himself how grateful he was to have you, even if he was only your friend.
You were exhausted, sleep was trying to consume you
Your brother took a picture. The flash made you blink instinctively, then everything went black.
——————
Spencers Pov
10 minutes after your abduction
The team, ran outside, looking for any sign of where you went. Unfortunately, there was no trace of you. The closest lead they had was from the cameras, showing that Velasco carried you to his car. Garcia ran the plates on his car, notifying the team that they were stolen.
“How did you people not notice this earlier” Reid snapped at the officers. He was the most affected by your kidnapping, after all he did think it was his fault. If only he didn’t leave the room, he should’ve prioritised you.
“Reid” Hotch warned, trying to get the genius to calm down.
“No Hotch, they should’ve noticed the stolen plates. How do you not notice him carrying an FBI agent!” Reid was yelling now, catching the attention of everyone in the precinct. Every single officer had a guilty look on their face.
“Reid, out, now” Morgan dragged Spencer by the arm, dragging him outside.
“You need to calm down man. We’ll find her, but we need our genius to do that. Come back inside when you’ve cooled off.” He walked away, leaving Spencer outside, alone. He could only imagine what was happening to you.
Were they hurting you? Were you dead already? Did you escape? Were you thinking about him? That was stupid, he knew you wouldn’t think about him. If only he knew.
