#beingbrahna

[brahnabischh]

[un]desirable company

i believe i am a simple kind of person.

doesn’t take much to make me happy.

with all the reasons i’ve ever had or even still have to be unhappy in my life .. it’s kind of become innate of me to find the happier things to dwell on.

since i was a little girl , i always tried to hang on to those happier moments.

the laughter, the smiles, the fulfillment …

but as i got older, those happier moments just happened to drift farther and farther away.

i mean they’d still come out to play whenever they were allowed to

but …

just because they were didn’t always mean i was.

like that one friend that was always outside and would always want you outside with them, so they’d come knock on your door and have you hype as shit when you saw it was them out the window … but then your mom says you can’t play because you have to clean or do something less desirable. less fun.

that’s how happiness would find me sometimes.

stuck.

in the house.

can’t come out and play.

no desire to be friends momentarily.

just the four walls of my room.

and my imagination.

and then i found a new friend ..

a bit strange.

grey.

ok , dark grey ..

it was so random. but such perfect timing.

clouds can be friendly , right?

or at least i thought so.

oh .. but little did i realize

that cloud would become all too familiar.

•4/18 – 945•

[brahnabischh]

when you just want to fuck around

how am I even supposed to walk away… I don’t want anybody else. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to have to go through learning somebody and having them learn me and building all of this all over.

I want to be her friend. I don’t want to lose the friendship and the bond we have established this far. But I also don’t want to be her friend and close with her while she’s loving on someone else. not right now. i couldn’t handle it.

i don’t want to be her friend because friends can’t do what i want with and to her. if we’re just friends , i can’t kiss her. i can’t touch on her. i can’t tell her i love her. i can’t stare at her and think of all the reasons i wouldn’t want to be just friends in the first place. i can’t have her naked. i can’t shower with her. i can’t ask her to sit on my face. i can’t just chill with her. we just can’t be friends. i’m too attached , it just won’t work.

now every time her phone rings, or we’re around someone , or she’s on snap or ig … any time anything happens .. i’m going to automatically think back to all of this. and cry. like now 🙄🙄 what the fuck 😩

[brahnabischh]

pointless

my dilemma with people is mainly that – they’ll do whatever they want with total disregard to how it affects me or how i feel or whatever the fuck else …

but as soon as i do something that offends someone or makes someone feel some kind of way , i’m wrong and i have to apologize or i’m under some sort of scrutiny because i’m being rude or disrespectful or ungrateful , so on and so forth.

people are so inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings and cares but i have to monitor and tip toe to everyone else’s

i can’t have any feelings or any opposing say so. it’s strictly forbidden.

and then when i decide not to fool with people, trying to avoid all of this. or i decide to keep people at a certain distance and change the way i move around them … in still in the wrong for being considerate of my reaction to their actions.

like they just live the most perfect lives and they’ve never done anything wrong , simply because no one knows enough to call them on their shit. or the people that do call them on their shit get backlashed because they have even more harmful or hurtful shit on them than the people even realized.

it’s all a never ending cycle.

it’s stupid af and hella unfair.

i have to ever live in the shadows and keep to my sentiments to myself.

and it’s the people that claim they love me most.

they just like to be showboats liking to “brag” if you will and boast about what they’ve done for me , regardless of if i asked or not. they like to have say so in what’s happening …

but when i actually NEED them the ABSOLUTE MOST– no one is around. no one can be found. no one can help.

and then they wonder why i stick around people that are just friends or people they don’t know too much about.

they wonder why i don’t come to them with my problems and emotions.

like bruh … most of the time it’s THEM! and if i tell them that i’m wrong and STILL STUCK IN THE SAME PLACE IVE BEEN THE WHOLE TIME!

exactly why i’d just rather not talk about anything to anyone but my friends. and hell , most of the time i don’t tell them too much of anything because it’s not going to change the situation.

shit– their asses are still learning and going though life just as i am .. so what real advice or guidance can they give?!

right.

pointless. just fucking pointless.

28/11-12:55a

[brahnabischh]

i remember!

i wrote that last post when i was waiting for her to finish getting her hair done. i was sitting outside while the dominican lady was blowing her hair out .. high as hell .. thinking about all kind of shit. and i never finished writing because she was finally finished and came out.

her hair was laid too. it was the first time i saw her with it silked/blown out so. lmaoo. and baby did she look THEEE FUCK good!!! i wanted to tear all her clothes off right then and there and fuck her like never before!! but i kept my cool. haha.

i should’ve . . right in the car. in broad daylight.

[brahnabischh]

so i went through my journal the other night , just for kicks , and i came across some things i dead forgot i even wrote 🙈🙈 might post them later this evening.

[brahnabischh]

mood :

i have a whole ass attitude today .. and couldn’t even tell you the fuck why lmao

[brahnabischh]

[T]hanks for [A]ll the [M]emories ...

trying not to fall for you but falling seems so easy. takes more to stand up than to fall. i’d fall in love with you over again over again if this is the sensation i’d feel every time

03:20:09:00

[brahnabischh]

03:08 12:30 20:17

UUULLLGGHHHH! i’m so over it! i’m over every fucking thing! nothing wants to work for me , nothing wants to fall in line .. like shit man. CAN’T I BE GREAT?!?! fuck!

I really wanted to talk to her tonight. Haven’t seen her all day today or all day yesterday… Minus when I took her to work yesterday morning, but that doesn’t count, it was so slight. I miss her like shit! it almost feels like I shouldn’t even miss her this much.we see each other every day, we’re always talking… You think we can get sick of each other by now. Like what the hell. lol. and then these little random breaks come about and it feels like all hell has broken loose. I really do miss her though. I wish I could’ve just walked in the house and fell on her forehead , been like her little mock doctor… checking in on my patient make sure my she is feeling ok and is receiving all of the treatment she needs.

I wonder if she ever get sick of me. like does she ever get tired of me? seeing my face, hearing my voice, the scent of me, putting gas in my car, feeding me… All the shit that she does , big or little , I wonder if she ever wants to just give the fuck up? Maybe that’s what she said she wanted to fuck everything. She could just be tired of my bullshit but who’s to say. she probably never tell me… But i got on her nerves or there was something that I did that she didn’t like …. or even if she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t think she would say anything. Or maybe she’d say something but everything will be to protect my feelings.

but that’s a story for another time… I don’t want to get into all of that.

i’m just ready to have my shit together forreal. I’m ready to make this money and move on with my life and move on with my baby. I want to have our own place so we can do whatever we want to whenever we don’t have any limitations, no one to answer to, no certain time so do certain things… Smoke in the house we can do it, if you want to cook up some food we can do it, if you want to sleep in all day.. we could do it.

I want to be with her when I am in my comfortable place. when I can relax and live worry free, and just enjoy the fruits of my labor… When I can spend money and I can just do whatever the fuck I feel. I want to share those happy moments and those peaceful times with her. She’s the one I was with when I was down, so I definitely want her to be around when I’m up. We can be happy together. We could be worry free and stress-free together. just living our lives and enjoying every minute of it. That’s all I want for myself and for her. That’s something we have in common.

… But I have been thinking though.

what if me working for Sonatta is just going to pull us apart? And by that I mean I spent so much time working I don’t have time to spend on Tamia where all my time needs to be spoon. But she’s tired of not having anybody to talk to her not having anybody to hold and love one close enough in reach. I mean granted right now we’re both still in the same country and in the same state and in the same city only around the corner from each other, so there is no real distance in between us, and it’s not like we’re just not together because of whatever… I just work too much right now/my boss is too demanding right now.

it’ll be OK though eventually. Because this would be my set up to making the money that I want to make to live the life that I want to live and share it with who I want to share it with. I just want to be able to show her physically my appreciation for her and all that she does for me physically mentally emotionally spiritually… I want to give her gifts, I want to take her out to eat, I want to take her to the movie, I want to go on trips, I just want to spend money on tamia. as a matter fact no… I don’t want to spend my money on tamia, I want to spend my love to me. I want to spend my life on and with tamia. That may be a little too deep for your earlobes too harsh for your heart but … that’s what it is. Straight like that.

I really didn’t want to talk to her tonight. And I’m kind of upset that this Xfinity shit is an any login. And I’m even more upset that the stage with money pick up my check so my phone wouldn’t have to be off in the first place… But I mean I can’t stop it it’s too late now I’m here. I was really looking forward to at least hear her voice some more… Even if we didn’t stay on the phone all night like we did last night, just a brief conversation just to tell her good night and that I love her and let her hear it instead of just reading it. This little simple stuff… It’s the simple things in life that matter the most.

my life is simply shit, but she’s simply amazing, further simplifying my complicated brain.

I can’t wait for the day that I could just wake up and everything be OK. I can’t wait for the day that I don’t have to worry about what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do when I’m going to do or why or any of that extra shenanigans … I want to wake up and be at peace with all my situations good or bad. I want to be at peace with myself. And I want my heart to not ache, I want to stop crying at night, I want to stop wondering and desperate praying and stressing… Hell, I want other people to stop taking and crying and wondering and desperately praying and stressing over me for me! I want to be OK. I want to be more than OK, I want to LIVE!

and understand that everything takes time… Rome wasn’t built in one day but goodness gracious at least it was built. is coming… I know is I can feel it. I don’t think of ever been so close in my life. I just really hope that I don’t have to keep losing to finally win. I don’t want anyone to die I don’t want anyone to walk out of my life I don’t want anymore money loss I don’t want anymore jobs laws I don’t want anything to happen to my car… Anything really detrimental to my being right now I don’t want to happen I can’t take it. I don’t want to take it… So hopefully this sonata will be my blessing in disguise.

working for her is something different… It’s so high demand and so tedious all the tasks that I have to do just because someone else doesn’t want to, but everyone that knows me knows I don’t mind putting in a little elbow grease to make sure that my income satisfies my obligations. like I said I just want to be at peace , so if that means right now I’m working my ass off to get there… You better believe good and damn well that that is exactly what I am going to do.

she said she will hire me as her au pair , in turn giving me a place to lay my head as well as work .. but I need to clarify to her that I need money. I can’t have no phone because I don’t have money… Most of the work that she wants me to do for her requires my phone anyways so I definitely need to have my service back one. And I don’t want to live at this lady’s house for more than three weeks I want to have some money so that I can get my own apartment and be independent how I want to be… So I have to talk to her and really sit down and figure out in detail what my pay is going to be how often I get paid what she expects of me what I expect of her… There’s a lot of slight conversation that needs to be had. All the important stuff that we missed too busy focusing on hair and lashes… But it’s OK we’re going to get it together.

I was supposed to sit down and cry all my feelings out just now… Because I wasn’t able to talk to to me him like I wanted to… But I’m actually kind of happy that I’m not crying because I don’t want to wake up in the morning and my eyes are swollen just because I was crying over spilled milk. I’m trying to stay positive and keep positive affirmations and my brain and in my ears and on my tongue .. that’s what really gets people through. Thinking about all the good that can come up all the bad or all of the positive in all the negative. i’m trying to change the way I think because if I change the way that I think my movements will follow. I will be all right I know that… Eventually everything is going to fall in love because it has no other choice but to… I’ve been down for too long to still be down. So this down shit is exactly that, shit!

SMH… I really just fell asleep trying to write down all my feelings. I’m just going to go to sleep now called it a night… Will pick this up again another day good night