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Fannibals!... and Mads

I went back and forth on whether to go to BFCC, but 2 things clinched it. Firstly, in my efforts to raise money for my surgery I did a load of overtime and merrily miscalculated it (I didn’t realise it was at a higher hourly rate) so after being able to put around £1k towards my surgery, I still had money left from it. And secondly, this might seem morbid, and I’m sure it will be fine - but part of me is just like *what if* something goes wrong in surgery and I die? Like... every surgery carries a risk and, anyways, it’s weird maybe and I’ve already left my fandom stuff to @victorineb in my Will 😂

So, to that end I was like - what if this is my last chance to say something to someone involved with Hannibal that I’ve been trying to say since 2016?? So I splurged some of the remainder of my overtime and went.

More behind the cut because this gets loooong, about Mads, transness and fannibals being wonderful.

A combination of this being just a surreal and crazy week of my life in the count down to surgery, and having transport issues, meant that my anxiety was the worst it has been in a long while. So when I got to the con and Mads didn’t have much of a queue I decided, right, I need to just do this. I finally got my Hannibal book signed by him, and I gave him a postcard of the same artwork by @pangaeastarseed that I had him sign a poster of last year and he said he loved. He was totally thrilled and carefully placed it on his pile of goodies from fans.

I meant to get a photo of him holding the postcard, but then the following conversation happened and I struggled to hold it together.

I need to preface this with something I discussed with some other fannibals today. I love Mads, and Hugh, and Bryan and everyone involved with the show. I write explicit fic and gawd yes are those boys hot, but... I am not someone who gets starstruck, I’m not someone who swoons. There is totally nothing wrong with those legit reactions, but that isn’t emotionally where I connect. For me I’m not starstruck by them, I love them. In the way you love someone you may not know and who may not know you but has touched your life in a profound way. This can be a teacher, or a stranger in the right place at the right time, yes a celeb (Bowie and Freddie are on my list too), an advocate - it’s the same way I feel about various LGBT rights activists. And the reason for that is because the show, and the fandom have had a massive impact on my life and I really wouldn’t be where I am today without them. It’s been a hard couple of years, but I’ve come out stronger and happier and you, wonderful fannibals, have had a large part to play in that. And for there to be you there has to be this amazing show that has touched us all in so many different and crazy ways.

So my conversation with Mads went like this - (I wrote this down right after because I knew otherwise I’d go completely blank lol and also bear in mind that I am struggling to get words out and he is being super sweet and patient with me)

Me: I’m sorry, my anxiety is really bad, I want to say something but I need a moment. Mads: Of course, sure (he shook my hand and smiled) Me: I love your films, even before Hannibal, but with Hannibal, it’s queer friendly Mads: Queer friendly? (he was checking he heard right and I nodded and repeated it) Mads: Oh, yes it is! Me: and it's also about people seeing the real you and being seen for who you are and so maybe, that’s why there are a lot of transgender fans Mads: oh yeah I know, there are (he agreed, smiling kinda proudly) Me: I'm one of them and I'm having chest surgery next week and i just wanted to take the chance to say thank you for the show because it means so much to me. I wouldn't be here now without the show and the fans, and how you all are with us too... (I ran out of words) Mads: the fans are great (he was trying to encourage me at this point because he could see I was struggling) Me: I wouldn’t have gotten this far. I met Bryan last year and my anxiety was really bad and I wanted to tell him that but I couldn’t say anything Mads: It’s ok, I'll tell him. (he’s beaming a smile at this point) Me: *sobs*

I sort of blanked a little bit then and he said something about me being on a journey and hoping it all goes well. He signed my Hannibal book and my Radiance. He flicked through Radiance for a minute and we talked about writing/creating. I can’t remember much of that now but I said how much writing in the fandom has helped me and he said other fans had showed him the book and he thinks it’s great.

Then we were done and he shook my hand and gave me this really determined sort of look and smile and said “good luck with everything Max”.

And then I walked away and hyperventilated for a bit and found @zacharybosch and @fragile-teacup for hugs.

And see that is what it is for me. Because I love them already for what they have meant to me without even knowing it, and then these people just don’t stop coming through and getting it. Just understanding how this show about a cannibal and murder sparked a beautiful, loving and creative fandom, because beneath the surface there is so much more and that is what we all saw. And they totally get that and support it. And seriously, when does your show ever??

Then there were photoshoots and we posed with my chicken, Adam. It was supposed to be a kinda stoic portrait shot a la Men & Chicken, and then I ruined it by grinning.

He smelled like cigarettes btw.

Fannibals

You guys yet again continue to be some of my favourite people! It was so great to see @zacharybosch @fragile-teacup and @theseavoices

And totally fantastic to see all the fannibals I thought I was going to miss by not going Sunday. Love and hugs all around to @obfuscatedheart @idontfindyouthatinteresting , Tee, @lxchiffre @sugarmaus and @melythemac

It was just amazing to hang out with you all, and totally what I needed to fortify me for the week ahead!

Highlights include concern over my going to restaurants, post surgery, in just my boxers as “this surgery cost too much not to show off”. Mads likely thought we were mental as we were stood across from him losing our shit laughing about this. Sugarmaus suggested I would be given a formal jacket by the concierge 4 sizes too big, and of course, I confirmed, I’d be wearing trainers to test whether that would get me kicked out. Needless to say, I will not be actually doing this. Written down this looks like nonsense but I was a hysterical mess and I love these weirdoes so much!

Also discussed - Fannibals as a cult. So, of course Bryan is our deity. Mads and Hugh are the leaders (high priests?) and Janice Poon is our version of the Pope. I’m note sure how a lot of that came about, but it feels right.

I’m sure everyone is going to have an amazing time there tomorrow and I’m gutted I can’t hang out for the whole weekend. But today was amazing nonetheless! Thank you fannibals for being so awesome!

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