Who am I and what am I doing; these have been the formidable thoughts of my current state of mind; starting this year, through this summer, through now. Who am I and what am I doing.
I’ve been living this life, just pushing on in a world of chaos and confusion that resulted in who I have become- unhappy, empty and lost.
The sense of fear, the feeling of loss, the knowing of unknowing have led my life the last 2+ years since the demise of my longterm relationship, of slowly feeling more and more on my own in a city away from support and family. Coupling back-to-back events with the pandemic, the entire country and world on tilts with the presidential election, losing my housing due to a state-wide emergency with the ice storm; all sense of knowing and security was lost. And I was alone in all the feels and in reality of survival. I didn’t realize it then just how much that period would affect me. That which changed the course of my life.
Today, I’m sitting here, going through old posts on my more public account and looking at all the dreams and fantasies that used to shape my life and who I was.
This weekend, after a visit with my sis, I was feeling some sort of way. Coupling with the few days of my PMS, and after a tough week of work and not hearing from someone I wanted to hear from, I was needing some space to sort this jumble of feelings.
Who am I and what am I doing. This thought seems to circulate for me today. And it feels monumental to feel as if I’m coming through the other side. Of re-finding and feeling my old self again, to feel through the period of transit, of my mind and body coming back to what it once was inspired by. It’s a weird feeling, it’s a heavy feeling, it’s a confusing feeling, it’s a formidable feeling, the feeling of wanting to cry; it’s also a good feeling and an uplifting feeling. To find my way back to myself. After all these years. After all these years of struggling. Of loss, of pain, of fear. After all these years of losing who I am and what I was doing. I feel like I’m just starting to find my old self again. And I have to trust the process of everything that’s going on. But this moment isn’t lost on me for how big it feels. And hoping that this here today, is the turning point to feeling back into my own of who I am and what I am doing once again.
