#blake vent

[olderbrotherblake]

I'm so tired of having meltdowns. I just want my mom or dad to wrap their arms around me while I'm thrashing to calm my rage. Let me hit my weak little arms against their strong ones cuz my feelings are just too big. I feel too small for all of this.

[blakeyblanket]

Cried real hard over missing my toys n mom n dad. But my mom n dad dont like me at all, n threw out my toys and baby blankie and everything :(

[olderbrotherblake]

I haven't slept in a couple days, and now big bro is dealing with dysphoric bleeding stuff. Sorry I haven't been around, the love and support I immediately got making this blog is deeply appreciated but also a lil overwhelming for me when i'm not medically doing super great.

Remember kiddos, I am bodily an adult and a caregiver, but I'm also a teen/middle regressive caregiver at that. I am not like mom or dad, I can't always be around cuz I'm also a kid too. And sadly, I'm a pretty sick kid :/

Big bro wants to sit and play games with all of you, you're all so kind to me already. I'll post as much as I can, and still feel free to send asks and dms but don't be too bummed out if I don't reply day-of.

[olderbrotherblake]

I saw your post can I asg what anti-endos are?😖

Anti-endos are people who are against endogenic systems, and are often sysmedicalists. Basically people who think you have to fit a very certain diagnostic criteria at a certain age to be a system (DID /OSDD - style system). I've been a system since I was a young child, had fun character introjects, and at one point like 50 headmates.

I'm diagnosed as a system, have been for 6 years, and I find that any sort of medical exclusionists have only led me away from seeking help or diagnosis, and I am very against fakeclaiming and medical invalidation (as someone who still gets told he's fine with chronic pain, being told you arent something hurts).

As a diagnosed traumagenic system, I don't care if someone doesn't tie their system to their trauma. Or cant identify traumas in their life. I dont like the concept of everyone having to suffer enough for someone to believe them, that mentality led me to a lot of further harm in my life. You can't just look into someone's brain and go "ha! Gotcha, you're only one person" so why not just believe someone who isn't hurting you? Endos do not make a bad name for systems, movies like "Split" do. A kid with all of MHA in their head is still valid.

So yeah, fakeclaiming mental illnesses and telling mentally ill people of any age that they arent telling the truth or they're pretending really irks me as a child raised on "I dont believe you, thats not real, you cant be more than one person, you're too young to be sick/hurt" mentalities. Anti-endos sound like my religious grandma to me.

[olderbrotherblake]

Sorry for not posting or answering stuff today, too small to be a big brother today and everything has been too tough.

[olderbrotherblake]

your blog made me cry

ive always really wanted a big brother and my big sister abandoned me when i was little and i never got over it so now i regress to feel better but i started crying when i found some of your posts because i wish i had an older brother like you, i don't know why im telling you this since you're basically a stranger on the internet but i thought you should know how happy/sad/all of the above it made me, thank you for reading this if you did

Sorry for making you cry, but I'm glad my blog can be comforting. I also saw your post regarding my recent family happenings, so yeah I very much understand family leaving and abandoning. Mine hates me, all of them, so I tried to leave and they keep attacking me even to this day.

I also always wanted a nice big brother, that's why I made this blog. To fill the own void in my life. I'm glad my blog can help so many people, even if I made it out of hurt and pain. I was my older brother's older brother, and now the things he's said to me made me have truly shattered my heart.

Thank you for being so kind.

[olderbrotherblake]

Weell uhm... my own brother actually hates me now. And officially kicked me out of a family I already left. I am. I am beyond hurt. I cant believe my older brother wont even defend me.

He told me to stop abusing his family. He said he has a new, better brother now. He said. He said to much.

[blakeyblanket]

Yesterday I had a very bad and uncomfy email convo with my mom, which I was finallyyyyy cutting her off even tho I tried to 3 years ago and she wouldn't.

She spent her email telling how great she's doing, how she's better than me for moving on, how she's "the bigger person" for not swearing at me (I'll ignore all those other emails then mom), and told me flat-out that she sees my abuse as a belief system that I should just get over when she apologizes.

From her mentality, I should be calling up the people who sa'd me too then right? Cuz abusers should be still in the lives of those who they abuse, so long as the abuser says "im sowwy".

She lied to me about things that happened, completely disregards any of my feelings and calls what she did to me "love". Yeah, "love" is not screaming at your kid for having a meltdown. "Love" is not kicking your kid for having a panic attack. "Love" is not abandoning one of your kids but not the other in the hospital for no good fucking reason. "Love" is not blaming me for getting sick.

I hope that's the last from my family for good. I already had to deal with stress from my dad emailing me, I am just completely done with this toxic, abusive family who wont even actually admit the things they did to me.