#blakey vent

[blakeyblanket]

M need more supports :( i feels vewy alones most of the time... n i gotta be big way more than i can be :( i wanna be taken care of too

[blakeyblanket]

Sometimes other regressors really really scare me. Like I'm not allowed to be a human outside of my regression, even tho I'm forced to be most of the time. I already get called such scary and terrible things near-daily, I am terrified of all these callout posts and someone literally doxxing me and getting me killed cuz there are legit people in my life who do want me dead like abusers and whatnot :( I am just so so scared

[blakeyblanket]

Yesterday I had a very bad and uncomfy email convo with my mom, which I was finallyyyyy cutting her off even tho I tried to 3 years ago and she wouldn't.

She spent her email telling how great she's doing, how she's better than me for moving on, how she's "the bigger person" for not swearing at me (I'll ignore all those other emails then mom), and told me flat-out that she sees my abuse as a belief system that I should just get over when she apologizes.

From her mentality, I should be calling up the people who sa'd me too then right? Cuz abusers should be still in the lives of those who they abuse, so long as the abuser says "im sowwy".

She lied to me about things that happened, completely disregards any of my feelings and calls what she did to me "love". Yeah, "love" is not screaming at your kid for having a meltdown. "Love" is not kicking your kid for having a panic attack. "Love" is not abandoning one of your kids but not the other in the hospital for no good fucking reason. "Love" is not blaming me for getting sick.

I hope that's the last from my family for good. I already had to deal with stress from my dad emailing me, I am just completely done with this toxic, abusive family who wont even actually admit the things they did to me.

[blakeyblanket]

Saw the post, that's one of my biggest triggers n is the main reason I involuntarily regress. M sorry you witnessed that, n for any bad experiences. I hope the icky feelings go away n that you feel better 🩷. It's hard sometimes, but I believe in you.

I dunno what post you're talking about, but m sorry if you did see something scary too :< thats not fair. (Unless you mean the ones i made cuz I was scared, in which case yeah i also involuntarily regress when my sa trauma is triggered)

Mine was personal stuffs at home. It was very upsetting cuz it's stuff regarding a surgery I really want. But it all just reminded me of super duper scary bad times I had as a kid and I don't wanna do the things I have to do now cuz it's too much :<

I hope I can talk to the surgery people to change a thing I gotta do, I dunno if I can actually do it whatsoever. It made me cry so so much this morning even reading out my medical paperwork stuffs

[blakeyblanket]

Big scary upsetting triggers this morning, I feel sick to my tummy

[blakeyblanket]

Something very very real & scary happened to me a couple nights ago, so I probably wont be on much cuz I am very much not feeling little :( m still injured from it all, and traumatized, and very scared and I feel sick to my tummy. Doing my best, I didnt need more hurt m too old and also too young for it.

[blakeyblanket]

Havent been able to sleep n couldnt shower n I cooked my comfort safe food wrong I feel so so horrible every single day for like a week now has been absolutely terrible I feel like I cant have anything anymore I cant find any comfort of peace in my special interests or fun cute games I like or even the new one my bf just got me as a gift to help me feel better.

[blakeyblanket]

Medical exclusionists specifically liking my post about being a sick child... kind of really hurts actually. I still cant get any proper physical or mental care, and people who think they are "more valid" than someone else are not helping whatsoever.