#blawkward

[blawkwardaf-blog]

Behind on "Blackness"

I used to think I'd end up with a white boy. It wasn't because I listened N'SYNC or went to a private school. It wasn't my upper middle class lifestyle or the 7:1 white to black ratio I had grown accustomed to. It wasn't because I was (usually) the token "black girl" that got stuck being Scary Spice every fucking time. It was because black guys didn't like me. At least they didn't act like they did. They barely gave me a second glance LET ALONE a drawn out stare that implied interest in anything they saw. I could barely get a word out a nigga! The lack of social interaction with the opposite sex early on led to many moments of misplaced infatuations later in life. I blame this for my failed relationships. I was convinced that whatever black girls had that made them desirable, missed me completely. Their magic fascinated and tormented me. I wanted to be so much like the popular girls at my school: pretty, funny, athletic, cool, black, and rocking it. They always had uniforms that hugged their curves and new hairstyles that kept them "with the times". I rocked the same ponytail for most of middle school. I also rocked low self-esteem and awkwardness LIKE NO OTHER. I remember riding the waves of validation from my classmates only to crash to shore when whatever had given me 15 seconds of fame had lost its luster. Trying to keep up with the Kardashians almost made me drown in preteen anxiety so I resorted to just making it to high school. That didn't turn out as planned either. So, I eventually came to the conclusion that I was too different for black guys. Too tall. Too loud. Too fat. Too weird. Too smart. Too boring. Too white. Too lame. Too nervous. Too clumsy. Too goofy. Too me. And yet not enough.

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Firing someone or quitting

Quitting, firing, big life changes… When the time approaches, the fear and the anguish and the emotions tied up in it all converge in the nitty-gritty details. At the top of the list is 1.) how to broach the subject, and 2.) where to do it. It can’t just, be, ‘How was your weekend?’ ‘I quit.’ Yet you don’t think about the details until the time comes, and then you’re so distracted figuring out how it’s going to work that you’re barely thinking about this big life change.

The location is the most awkward piece of the puzzle, especially if you work in one of those “open plan” offices bosses are so fond of, which are supposed to inspire collaboration, but really just inspire group YouTube watching and awkward quitting situations. You have to step into a separate room to do quit. EVERYONE knows something is up when you say “Can we step into your office?” It’s like when the mobsters say, “Let’s go for a drive. It’ll just take a sec.” SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. I would almost rather quit in front of the entire office than simply ask my boss to go into a separate room.

But you do it. Then once you get into the other room, you have to deal with the other person’s super curious, wide-eyed blinking face staring at you. It is the worst! I bet sociopaths really like that moment, the moment before breaking big news. They like to milk it. I personally find it even more awkward than the actual telling of the bad news, so at that point I just unleash it. “I’m quitting right now!”

I remember when I was tasked with firing this poor intern. Well, I shouldn’t say “poor,” I was fully on board with firing her, she totally sucked.

Did I mention I worked with my husband? Some people might find THAT awkward. What can I say, it was a record label, where anything goes, and anyways we were both in charge of the interns. So naturally, I dragged him into it. “Maybe it will be less awkward if we BOTH fire her!”

Well. The morning came, and I was strangely just as nervous as I would be for a job interview, which is the exact opposite of what was happening.

She came into my husband’s office. He gave me the signal, and I slid on into the room and shut the door. That’s all it took! The deed might as well have been done. Judging by the look on her face, she already knew. She looked like someone being beaten up by a gang of hoodlums. She looked as fired as anyone had ever looked. Because you just know that’s what is going to happen when doors are shut.

Still, we had to go through the motions. “This isn’t working out for us,” yada yada yada. The world went white and I have no idea what I said to her, but she politely but dejectedly collected her things and left immediately.

I got an IM from my coworker all the way down the hall saying, “That went great! I think you really let her down easy.” So I guess the closed-door thing was moot anyways. The takeaway from all of this is you should really just quit or fire someone in front of everyone.

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Tipping

Tipping is incredibly awkward for me, and for many people - in fact, some people are talking about doing away with tipping altogether, because it's unfair who gets better tips (the answer is: blond ladies. For real). 

Restaurants are easy, I just do 20% if they're good, and I have plenty of time to make that decision. Bell hops, massage therapists, and hair stylists ignite a panic in me unlike any other. Faced with the person in front of me, and the fast decision of how worthy I deem them, I ultimately just empty my wallet and run away. I'll come back to my husband sheepishly, mouthing the words to him: "I accidentally gave them alll my moneyyyy." He doesn't let me tip anymore. 

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Bathroom attendants

Nothing is more ridiculous, in this economy, than a bathroom attendant. Let's take one of the more private activities and insert an overly-dressed person to be RIGHT THERE when you step out of the stall to hand you a towel to dry your hands with, since hand towels are just soooo difficult to reach. If that weren't awkward enough, there's tipping situation to deal with. You feel obligated to tip them since you weren't tricky enough to evade the hand towel they handed you. Next time they try to hand me a towel, I'm going to pull away like a small child and say, "No!" and run away.

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Awkward rage!!!!!

I flew into a rage last night! At about 11 pm, I got so so mad that I tried to run out the front door in my underwear. Only on my way to the door, even in my rage, it occurred to me that I didn't have a plan for what I was going to DO when I got outside. Would I summon the rage from the depths of my black soul, and let out a hearty, "RAWRRRRRR!"? Would I maybe throw something, perhaps? Would I just continue running, into the street and into someone's house, smashing their chotchkies, yelling at their children, and bopping their house plants? I decided upon throwing something, but the only things I could see through the red haze were a can of Pam cooking spray, and some sea salt. Would any of those really make a satisfying projectile? I shit you not, literally all of these thoughts were going through my head at the moment, except for the idea about running into someone's house and punching their house plants, which I'll admit is a kind of genius I could only come up with in hindsight. I kind of half heartedly stormed the kitchen, looking for projectiles, then ran to the front door anyway, lost heart a few feet from the door, then suddenly turned around and got back in bed.

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Silence in conversation

I believe there is a saying about, "You know you're really friends with someone when you can hang out and just shut the fuck up." Ever since I heard that expression, I have made a concerted effort to be able to hang out, shutting-the-fuck-up, and keep cool, no matter who I'm with. I'm cool! I can kick it. Look at me! Silence, silence, silence. Not saying a word. Just a person breathing in, and breathing out. Am I breathing? I don't think I'm breathing.

However, this sort of scenario is reserved for riding in the car; long walks; watching a movie; horseback riding, tandem massages; and etcetera. Specifically, activities where both parties are looking forward, and not forced to look at each other. I will give you that there is room in a dining situation for the occasional silence, because eating is going down. I'm okay with that. But if it goes on for too long, I don't feel awkward, I just feel depressed, because it reminds me of those couples who go out to dinner and don't talk to each other for the entire time. This disturbs me so very much, that I end up not talking to my own husband, gaping at the couple who is not talking, wondering when one of them is going to say a word, and calculating on a scale of one to ten how much they hate each other. I will digress now.

There is a time and a place when silence in conversation is truly unacceptable, dear readers! And it is: when you are in a face-to-face conversation with someone. There have been people in my life who made me feel slightly unsettled, and I couldn't put my finger on why. It wasn't until discussing with my husband that we realized that said parties are not very good conversation reciprocators. They don't smile very easily in conversation. Straight faced, they only answer questions that you ask them, and usually briefly. They don't ask you questions, or elaborate. If you were to judge their behavior, you might think they don't like you, or are trying to get out of the conversation, but this isn't true! They are always like this. It's not that they are shy, either, no -- they are confident in their silence. They might even seek you out in a room-- In fact, they might even try to make plans with you to hang out more often! What is this person's deal? You just start to get the impression that the onus to continue the conversation rests solely on your shoulders. If you stopped talking, they would just stand there, staring at you. 

Instead of making them appear shy, lazy, or socially strange, the effect is quite the opposite! No, these people seem like they are too cool for school. Why won't this person reciprocate this conversation? Is this person FAMOUS? Is this person James Dean? All of a sudden you start talking faster and giving them more compliments. Soon, you feel it necessary to disclose long standing secrets, yet you can't stop, even though you feel like you are there solely for this person's amusement. Dear god! Are they sociopaths? How can this be?

I'll tell you how. They are simply not awkward, something that makes awkward people feel off the charts on the awkward-o-meter. 

So next time this happens to you, I challenge you to not-reciprocate back. See who wins this cold war!

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Awkward email

From: Erin  Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 3:44 PM To: large group of coworkers Subject: Did you guys see this great article written about us?

It came out while I was on maternity leave so I just saw it! Here's like link: www.neatoarticle.com

From: Erin  Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 3:46 PM To: large group of coworkers Subject: Did you guys see this great article written about us?

Please disregard what I just said, the article came out just today! I read that it was dated March 13th instead of May. But still, read the article!

www.neatoarticle.com

From: Erin  Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 3:50 PM To: large group of coworkers Subject: Did you guys see this great article written about us?

OK, now looking at the article, I see it actually DID come out when I was on maternity leave, I was accidentally reading today's date on the website instead of when it was published. Sorry. Last email on this topic. #crackhead

www.neatoarticle.com

From: Erin  Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 3:51 PM To: large group of coworkers Subject: Did you guys see this great article written about us?

OK, LAST EMAIL ON THIS TOPIC. I've been informed that everyone has already seen this article months ago. Apologies. #imsuckacrackhead #sorrynomoreemails

www.neatoarticle.com

From: My boss Sent: Monday, May 13, 2013 3:52 PM To: Erin Subject: Did you guys see this great article written about us?

:-)

[thatwasprettyawkward]

Small talk

Me: So, do you like Guster?

Barista: I do, yes.

Me: I could tell by that Guster t-shirt you're wearing there.

Barista: Yup. I do like Guster. That's me! Love Guster.

Me: I have a friend who is like, obsessed with Guster. He just loves Guster. That's all I really know about the band, actually.

Barista: Oh, really.

Me: Yeah. He even NAMED his dog Guster.

Barista: Oh, wow. I would say I'm not that obsessed with Guster.

Me: Yeah. Well, that's all the stories I have about Guster on this Thursday morning. [big pointing-at-him gesture while I walk away, only to stand five feet away and wait for my coffee]