CALL ME ON YOUR CELL PHONE, LATE NIGHT WHEN YOU NEED MY LOVE ♫ ( &&. WORDS NEVER MEANT TO BE RECOVERED — )
she still hasn’t asked. she knows and he knows that the question is there. it lingers, hovers, looms over their heads but tiffany smiles and pretends instead. once upon a time ( and not so long ago ), she started to believe she won’t have to do that anymore, pretend. somehow, she’d forgotten that fairytales are just make-believe and she doesn’t know who’s to blame when she already gave up on fables years ago. too much hope, she tells herself, and, as she looks at leo over skype, she also thinks there’s also not enough.
why didn’t you go home?
is something wrong?
“are you happy, oppa?”
“i thought you guys were doing fine.”
“we are. it’s just . . . different.”
“you couldn’t have expected better when you turned him down.”
“i didn’t turn him down—” a lie. “i told him not . . . right now.” there’s a difference, right? right. ivory sinks into a plush tier and she toys with the hem of her sweater, loose ends that taunt her and the risks too daunting.
“then what are you worrying about?”
she grumbles, displeased— with herself or with cassie, there’s no telling. “i didn’t say i’m worried.”
“you didn’t have to. just talk to him about it.”
“there’s no but, steph. aren’t you tired of this? you keep denying everything when it comes to getting in too deep,” she says it, air quotation marks and all. “you did it all the time with byunghun and look where that got you.”
it’s the first time cassie has thrown it in her face so directly, but above all it’s the first time tiffany thought maybe she shouldn’t go to her sister for everything. maybe, patience has finally run out.
“you’re so quiet.” her response is nothing but a soft hum and cassie’s annoyance rings in her voice. “that’s your queue to speak, steph.”
“i don’t have anything to say.”
“you always have something to say. why aren’t you telling me anything?”
but it’s tiffany who should be asking that. because it’s obvious leo and cassie have a secret they’re not telling her and it’s more than what’s going on with their father. it’s obvious her two older siblings are fighting.
it’s obvious she’s not supposed to ask but she so desperately wants to.
it’s obvious it’s something that can’t be easily fixed or talked about.
it’s obvious that there’s nothing tiffany can do when she’s so far away and that’s what she hates about it the most.
“i don’t have anything to tell.” and neither do you.
she’s so certain she’s figured it out when she talks to tiffany next. “you’re not going to tell him, are you?”
“that you want to be with him.”
“i am with him.” quite literally too. bobby’s just in the next room over and prince is barking at him as per usual for attention. it didn’t feel like too long ago that prince used to bark at bobby for being a ‘stranger,’ an intruder. she almost forgets that it’s been well over a year.
“but you’re not going to wear his ring.”
she doesn’t answer and cassie takes it as she’s right. therein lies the problem.
the truth is that cassie always thinks she’s right. her plans, her morals, her beliefs as one of the siblings that has remained religious. leo and tiffany seem like they couldn’t care less, at least compared to when they were all younger. this time, tiffany doesn’t have the energy to correct her.
“yeah,” she lies, because it seems to be the new in thing for the three of them.
but her and bobby are more than fine. awkwardness never lasts for long and distance is never truly exists between them. they’re more than fine. what cassie thinks is exactly what tiffany isn’t going to do. she swears by this time next month, she will be wearing that ring. what cassie thinks be damned.
"what’s wrong, sweetheart?”
“hm? oh— nothing, dad. i’m sorry. i was just . . . “
“zoning out? or as you used to call it, daydreaming.”
she laughs at the memory of what once was. it was her favorite excuse when she was in high school. her mother teased her for it and her father scolded her but she knew they both smiled at the same time, a small, amused one to themselves. one of her favorite smiles in exchange for a favorite phrase. what’s not to like about it?
“are you worried about your brother and sister?”
a misconception, at best— that being the youngest meant she was the most worried about, and not the one that worries. because she’s the youngest, the baby, everything is kept from her. shielded, sheltered— secrets without a single truth in sight at times.
all it does is leave pressure on them. pressure to be perfect. pressure to be happy. pressure to pretend.
“they’ll work things out. they always do.” he seems so sure, so at peace and tiffany’s happy to see him smiling so effortlessly.
she shifts, makes herself more comfortable on her bed, prince rests his paws against her side and she stifles a laugh at how ticklish she is even at the smallest touch. “so what’s her name?”
it’s been years since tiffany saw her father blush and she swears, she absolutely swears, he’s a little nervous. her father, the ruthless lawyer with an impeccable record, even though he’s retired from the law, is actually nervous. years since he blushed and even longer since she thought he was being adorable. she almost forgot how endearing her father can be.
“her name, appa,” she chuckles, absent-mindedly fixing her bangs, casual as can be, switching to korean if only to tease him. “what’s her name?”
“i— who told you, honey?”
“no one. the last time i was home, i saw her name on your phone. i wasn’t snooping, i swear!” but his scolding glare says he believes otherwise. “promise, dad! but a good night text isn’t so platonic that late. i hope you’re being safe.” he sputters and she hides herself behind a pillow, as if there isn’t thousand of miles between them. “anyway, her name.”
“oh my god, dad. you’re dating the black widow and you didn’t tell me sooner?”
“okay, okay i was just kidding. but . . . i’m happy for you.” he smiles and it’s another thing she hasn’t seen in a while. that kind of carefree smile. it’s been over six years. since her mother passed. “she’d be happy for you too.”
she shrugs, vaguely mentioning elysium and most certainly deliberately not mentioning that bobby is going with her. even if leo seemed to be calmer about him since he came to visit — which tiffany still doesn’t know the reason for — she didn’t think letting her brother know that she spends even more time than he got to witness for himself with bobby.
“why does my baby sis sound jealous, huh?”
“i’m the only one who hasn’t met her! of course i’m jealous,” she rolls her eyes. “if that’s what you want to call it.”
“come visit and you can meet her.”
it’s words that only draw a sigh out of her and he knows why. his last visit also gave him a clear view of how busy her schedule is, how little she sleeps. everything she’s unable to do. even groceries he realized cheolwoo helps her out with from time to time, keeping her refrigerator stocked, which he’s both proud of and grateful for.
“okay, i’ll come visit you.”
“and take her with you? ooh, are you that smitten oppa?”
“she does want to go to seoul one day.”
“are you really going to bring her?”
the look in his eyes tells her no. she knows her brother too well to think he’s that easily committed, that willing to let his girlfriend so fully into his life. there’s a reason she hasn’t met the girlfriend yet, even through skype or facetime.
“do you really like her?”
it’s the same question she didn’t have to ask her father and in some weird twisted way it’s funny. their father who lost the love of his life is more open to dating than two of his own children.
she’s caught off-guard. a question she never expected him to ask and she’s smiling before she nods, slowly but it’s a definite yes.
“i might be falling for him.”
“is what weird?” she hums softly as she pets chocolat, gesturing for the mastiff to come closer until the dog settles at her feet.
“the merger. working in the same building as all those other trainees. your friends. jihyun. bobby.”
her sister still doesn’t know and tiffany’s unsure why she hasn’t said a word. that bobby’s not just bobby but her boyfriend. the ring on her finger isn’t easily visible through facetime and tiffany shrugs it off.
“we’ve always known it was going to be like this if it came to it. we did fine on the mgas.”
“but you weren’t at the same place everyday.”
“and we’re still not,” tiffany insists, her nose crinkling in annoyance at the thought. maybe she was too resistant to change but it was such a drastic change. how could she not be irritated to some extent? “we only have to go two days a week so i . . . only go when i have to.”
their conversations are so forced now, distant and tiffany’s never truly felt the physical distance between them until now. at least in this way. tinges of guilt and regret eat away at her whenever she thinks of how much emily is growing, how much she doesn’t get to see and be there for. but this? this distance is different. it’s resent and she can’t tell who seems more bitter, her or cassie.
“i have to go get ready for bed now.”
( 161116 )
* later that day
“just break up with her.”
“i didn’t ask you if you wanted to but you should.”
“cassie, i’m getting tired of this shit. if you’re gonna call just to yell at me, then don’t bother calling.”
“if i don’t yell at you, are you gonna realize that what you’re doing is fucked up. what’s wrong with you, leo? this isn’t like you.”
those words are a trigger and all he sees is red.
“maybe you don’t know me.”
silence, a click, and a dialtone. the unfinal verdict.
"are you going home for the holidays?”
a stalemate. it’s what everything is boiled down to in the moment because he knows she’s annoyed that he has the opportunity to and won’t and she knows that he’s going through something even if he won’t say a word. but tiffany is the last person who could judge because she’s the first that can understand. they’re always more alike than they realize and she nods, concedes because this is her older brother. her only brother but her favorite no matter what.
“good. actually—” she laughs a little, laughing at her choice of words, as if it’s an unlikely outcome and there was once a time she truly believed it. “i’m really happy.”
he chuckles too, just as amused because, again, if anyone could understand it’s them.
“does that mean you have news for me?”
“not anything in particular but you know i love christmas. what about you? anything to tell me?”
there’s a flicker of recognition in his eyes and he knows he set himself up for that question, a small smile on his lips as he shakes his head.
“how’s your girlfriend?” this time, she almost misses it. she almost misses how his eyes dim, darken, burn with guilt even as he says, “she’s good, we’re good.” and another almost is how convincing he is. she almost believes him.
"oppa, what’s wrong?” it’s the middle of training when he first calls. 5 missed calls and he’s still awake once she can call back.
shaky breaths and she’s terrified. he never sounds like this. even at the funeral, she remembers leo being the strongest one. he held her hand, squeezed it, comforted her, told her that everything will be okay and those words are stuck in her throat as she listens to what she’s so certain is her brother crying.
he’s devastated and she can’t figure out why.
he’s hurt and she can’t be there to do what he’s done for her since she was a child.
nothing has said and she spends her entire dinner listening to him do his best to steady his breathing. she’s a few minutes late but she can’t leave, she can’t even move from where she’s sitting, not until he abruptly tells her he has to go. no explanation, no goodbye, just another click and a dialtone, what her father said is the new norm for her two siblings when they talk to each other.
she doesn’t understand until it’s too late.
"you really don’t know what’s going on with him?” or with you.
“no, and you shouldn’t be asking.”
“no, you can’t just shut me out of this. you’ve both been acting weird and you’re being jerks by acting like it doesn’t affect the rest of us but it does. dad’s finally happy and you’re bringing him down with all this fighting. don’t deny that either, i swear, cassie. don’t you dare.”
“well, tell me how you really feel.”
“if i did that, i’d be calling you guys something much worse than jerks for being like this.”
“of course i don’t. you guys aren’t telling me anything!”
in this moment when her sister was the one she should’ve believed, tiffany didn’t. it wouldn’t be too long that she’d realize why cassie couldn’t, that the redness of her sister’s eyes wasn’t exhaustion from raising a toddler.
she’d understand why her sister’s heart was broken.
tiffany does her best not to cry when she knows anytime soon bobby will walk through the door. cassie doesn’t have to speak for tiffany to read between the lines. the this is why i didn’t want to tell you is written all over her face and she feels numb. she wishes she really was.
“are they really doing it?” and there’s the question that could kill her. the question that reveals all, of how for the first time in her life, her brother has broken her heart.
does leo really want her to get an abortion?
does he really not want his own child?
