I can't staaaannddddddd SVSSS omg during my re-reading is so painful. Even the First read was hard, but this is WORSE but also I could never be SQQ cause first, throwing Binghe in the abyss?? I'd be crying and throwing up or beg him into going as a way of training or something and if that don't work, I'll hold him and throw us in there together
THEN if he came back like THAT?! I'd immediately go "oh my god. Okay, listen, if you want to kill me that's FINE, I get it! I won't resist, please just let's save this city first, ok? :(" and accidentally trip him up big time. Would it make him angrier? Nicer? We just don't know.
And then once I realise he's trying to slander me, or says shit like "If they believe you" or LATEST once everyone is accusing me of shit? Sword gets drawn and plunged into my own damn chest CWN style. Thank you very much. I'll kms in front of him to alter the way his life goes, while everyone else can go on about how I was so grief-stricken.
Which, looking at it now, is a very Binghe kinda way to move. If his desire to be with SQQ wasn't HEAVILY outweighing everything else, he'd probably do the same. Damn.
I really do need my own SQQ. Do I really have to break the universe and drag someone from another universe here just to find someone who likes me? Fuck.
I have finished book 3 of erha and y'all will hear about it
Spoiler free reaction: i am screamshitting and throwupcrying on the floor, as well as a concoction of memes (the tiktok sound, song that goes "unda unda I ǹ́è́è́è́è́è́d̀́d̀́d̀́d̀́d̀́ this b̀́ò́ò́ò́ỳ́ỳ́ỳ́ỳ́"
soilers under the cut:
Bro I can''t do this fr fr I have already seen the back of the next book but still sAY IT AINT SO I cannot live without Chu Wanning for FIVE WHOLE YEARS I NEED him BACK NOW! Idc if there's a tiem jump I can't have this I can't let my boy Mo Ran go through this and let fuckass Shi Mei do whatever idk idc GIVE HIM BACK!!!!! GIVE BIM BACK NOW!
But also Mo Ran is stronger than me because I would have heard five years and pulled out jiangui like "I give you five DAYS and you better be glad I am so generous to not say five minutes" any response other than "okay fine I'll do it in 3" (or less) would not be tolerated. Real fine, I'll do it myself energy tbh but what the fuck give him back!?!?!?!?
Also, I knew Wanning would act like that when seeing Mo Ran in the underworld like. I wondered if his frayed spirit would be gentler again, like his human soul was, if he'd be all "W-why are you here? 😢I didn't save you! :( I couldn't save you!! Oh no D:" but no of course he's like "you DONKEY ASS why did you fucking DIE?!" and starts beating his ass. Fills me with such joy. Idec anymore friendship with mxtx over now meatbun is my new best friend! (jk but genuinely, she combines all the elements ppl usually love about mxtx with the aspects people wish were in those stories (at least svsss and mdzs) and then SOME real gooner shit I spent my whole life trying to find while even the tumblr gooners of 2012 were shaming those kinks. Boo!* Anyway I love it, I'll lay down my life for you, I may need to grab Krissy for some guidance and then trick someone into giving me production money, I'll direct this myself. Uncensored, outside of china in real chinese style. Fuck you. I do what I want.
The hyperfixation is fixeddddd.
*I have some genuine thoughts on how so many people love their moral pearl-clutching abuot certain kinks. Like, not liking it or finding it gross yourself is fine, but then you have therapists go "kinks are fine :) engaging with them is fine :) engaging in your trauma is whatever way you want is fine :) But if you write about this you're evil!" like maybe. MaYBE. it's my trauma AND my kink. Maybe I can differentiate between fiction and RL and also know that in RL something like that would either be morally wrong (and also wouldn't turn me on) OR would come as some kind of role-play and have 2004823e21 rules and boundaries established before start (which woould also turn me off maybe) but in fiction, we can pretend it's fine. We can pretend they instinctively know what is okay and what isn't. We can also explore certain boundaries or darker parts of the psyche, the things that make you go "God yes, I would never, but godddd I kinda wanna try it once". But OH WELL I gUESS!
Anyway TL;DR call me Feed Fish the way I am so deeply in love with Chu Wanning I'm about to climb up this fucking wall help me
My reading goal for this year is out the window btw, I'll now re-read this series however many times needed to make good art with it sorry not sorry
but why the FUCK did I think an 11 part series would be good for me? Part 11 comes out around my birthday. HOw am I supposed to hold off that long? I read part 3 in 6 days. At this rate I'll be finished 4 times by the time the last part is released. I could read it as ebook but that is a different translation without art. No can do. OCD too strong. HELP MEEEE I'll crai.
Me: You know I was physically abused by your son, and verbally too, but I also was sexually abused and I don't wanna talk to him anymore.
My Mother: That's horrible!!
My Mother: I think you should forgive him though, because you don't have any other family left. You should talk to him.
Me: no
My mother: you are unreasonable!
Me, two years later: I'm mad because I am sick and you just keep walking into my apartment to do things even if I tell you not to, or make me feel like I have to do them while sick!
My Mother: How dare you? I'm not gonna talk to you anymore!
Yesterday was my birthday and it was fun (all things considered) but like
why did my doctor have to say "Last year with a 2 in the front" today? It's SO UPSETTING!? I'm going on 30 now, officially, and have…nothing
I graduated high school at 19 and that was it. I never had a "real" job, I never even went to a wedding and I just… did nothing. I wanted to do great things last year and then covid hit and now what?! I want to DO shit and I have 0 guidance because no one in my life ever bothered to teach me functionality, how to actually *find* a job or survive school. More importantly, I have ADHD which made both those things harder, especially when undiagnosed.
it's probably hormones, my period finally kicking in, don't mind me
Calling my doctor 5 times in 30 minutes (because my phone automatically hangs up after 6minutes for some reason) and still no answer. GOD do they have a sidehustle as a call-center? Cause the machine automatically answers immediately just to redirect you to "hey this is our phone :) Press 1 to leave a message about prescription. Press 2 to cancel an appt. Or wait to talk to someone :)" and then you cannot talk to anyone!!! FUCK THEM!
Signed the Archive.org petition (and you should too!) AND got myself a sub for Anna ❤ best 20€ ever spent, already hit today's limit so thank gOD for the extra month befhkadl
