#Repost @diaryofabpdkid with @make_repost ・・・ #bpd#bpdfeels#bpdcycles#bpdthiughts#bpdfeelslike#bpdemotions#emotioncycle#fearofabandonment#abandonmentissues#abandonmenttrauma#codependency#codependent#fp#favouriteperson#bpdfp#bpdfavouriteperson#bpdbaddie#bpdbrat#bpdawareness#bpdawarenessmonth#bpdrecovery#bpdrelationships#bpdinsight#borderlinepersonalitydisorder#borderlinepersonalitydisorderawarenessmonth (at Goonellabah, New South Wales) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cdm1eRPhqZq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
Do you ever get flashbacks of things that were traumatic for you in the past? They might come on when your mind is over-actively thinking or sometimes they happen randomly. I’ve recently gotten a flashback of a time when I had a BPD episode. It came suddenly and it was very strong, to the point where I had to leave work for the rest of the day. I had very much felt myself ready to breakdown a bit before the episode happened. I just didn’t know it would turn into what it did.
I vividly remember the episode. But before I talk about the episode itself, I’m going to talk about what brought it on. I was working with my FP and he started chatting up a storm with another co worker. And they were chatting non-stop and giggling a lot. The moment I heard this my brain immediately switched on him. Because me and him were just talking too, but the energy just wasn't the same. A lot of times this happens. The energy between me and him just won’t be the same as it is with others. This makes me sad majority of the time because I don't know what I did wrong for the energy to be different. Anyways I’m getting off track.
But as the conversation and giggles between him and the other person continued, I started to feel a medley of emotions. Jealously, confusion, hurt, and rejection. But the strongest of them all being sadness, and anger. I was sad because I wanted to be included. And I felt like I wasn’t needed. This led to jealously because I wanted what they had. I was angry because I was confused. Why couldn’t my FP share the same vibes with me? Why couldn’t I be talking to him then? Why wasn’t he talking to me? What had I done wrong? These were the questions running through my mind. It took everything in my power not to break down right then and there. I did shed a few tears, but I didn’t let anyone see me of course. Soon after, it came time for me to go on my break. When that time came, I left to go sit in my car. Almost immediately I felt a rainfall on my face....
***This post was getting lengthy, so I will continue to talk about the actual episode itself in another post*****
