how to listen, how to speak
Today in Brain Building - a weekly meditation group I host for my office - we did a mindful listening and speaking exercise. This has got to be one of my all-time favorite activities for groups: it's even more accessible than meditation (people seem to be more comfortable engaged with others than they do left to their own spinning minds) and it yields a wealth of information.
We paired up, selected one person from each pair to play the "speaker" role, and I provided some basic instruction:
We used the prompt, "What brings you joy?" The speakers did their best to respond to this question authentically, while the listeners gave the speakers their undivided attention. Then we switched. Some people preferred one role to the other, but everyone discovered something about him or herself:
"After her first sentence, I was already responding with 'Aww...' before I could control myself!"
"I felt bad doing all the talking, like I was boring her. I feel this way all the time, which is why I'm so quiet."
"I realized how much I rely on other people's reactions to guide what I say."
We talked about how we learn to communicate through our experience, which is mostly about speaking. Are we ever taught to listen? For that matter, when we are taught to speak, how much emphasis is given to being authentically ourselves? How much of what we learn is molded by fear of judgment or punishment?
We all saw patterns emerge today, patterns that we have built over a lifetime, patterns we learned from those who came before us.
Fortunately, patterns were made to be redesigned. This is true of behavior as well as the neural connections that determine that behavior. We can rewire our brains to help us be more present, to deal more productively with our thoughts and emotions, and to be able to connect with others in a meaningful way.
Like anything else, it's a practice. I invited our Brain Building group to practice relational mindfulness this week, and I invite you to do the same: Take one conversation a day and spend at least one minute of it applying mindfulness in these ways - either speaking or listening.
Let me know how it goes. I'm all ears.