#break-up's

[maltedmilkchocolate]

‘Positive’ Break-up Ideas

Thinking over it, there’s way, way, waayy too much media that depicts all break-up’s as Bad Break-up’s. (Like this is an actual issue that really needs to be addressed). These break-up’s are ALWAYS without fail: Negative.

The Ex is always a problem. Always someone you regret, or someone who was abusive, or someone who cheated, or someone you couldn’t wait to get rid of, or you fell in love with another and need to ditch this one, or that crazed stalker you cant lose, etc etc.

There’s also the huge depiction that you can never be friends with your Ex after a break-up. They have to be avoided, or they’re a threat to another love interest, or something else negative.

Media absolutely loves to erase the idea that you can have a positive break-up. Media also loves to erase the idea of a mutually agreed break-up.

Of course by no means am I saying these break-up’s won’t break your heart, even a break up without negative reasoning will still hurt, especially if you still love them.

There’s a lot of reasons a monogamous, or poly relationship would split.

Some super easy ones:

We were childhood sweethearts and everyone thought we would get married, but we both agree that we have very different goals and interests in life, and that it would be for the best to go our separate ways.

I’m so heavily snowed under work, study, and life commitments, I can’t commit to a working relationship until I get my life back to stability. Thank you for understanding.

We’ve been together for 12 years, but we’ve grown apart and there’s no more spark there between us. We decided to end it and seek other people, but we still get coffee after work on the weekends. 

You have a super high sex drive, and I don’t want sex at all. However we’re/you’re/i’m uncomfortable with the idea of a non-monogamous relationship. As much as it hurts, we should end this, as it’s causing a strain on our relationship.

I moved to the other side of the world, and we worked so hard on our LDR for years, but slowly communication broke down due to busy schedules. It’s not that I don’t love you any more, but this is hurting us.(Note: Working LDR’s are completely possible and many, many people have had happy working relationships that lasted till the end of time.)

I’m struggling with my health and I think it’s best I commit my time to healing myself without external commitments. It’s not that I don’t want support, but I feel this is something I have to do alone. 

We had a wonderful relationship for two years, until you started distancing yourself. When we talked about it and communicated, you told me you’ve come to realise you are interested in -gender here-, and that you’ve been thinking about this for quite some time. It’s okay, I don’t hate you, no one chooses their sexual/romantic attraction.

We split up 3 years ago, but we still go the cinema together every time a new premier film comes out as is our tradition. Sometime’s we/you/i bring our SO with us, and try to convert them into film hell.

It’s your birthday, and I’ve been hosting a bbq for you since we 16 years old. Just because we split up doesn't mean I’m about to stop. We’re gonna grow old together over charred chicken and something possibly catching fire as close friends. 

We dated in university and got a house together, but now we’re in our 30′s we’re both happily single watching Netflix together because rent is fucking expensive and moving homes would cost more than your entire crappy figure collection. 

We broke up 5 years ago, and now you're happily married and I was your wife’s maid of honour, and it was amazing. 

My SO’s love to tease you when you visit us, because we used to date and they still wonder how I was once with tall, dark, and hot damn those tattoo’s where did you get them. Stop influencing my partners to your inky ways. Or at least get them good discounts. 

After being engaged for 3 years, we called it off as it wasn’t working out due to a number of things. I’m not sure how it happened, but I am now your wing’man’ and have scored you the hottest piece of god damn pie I ever laid eyes on. You can thank me with free pizza and I get to be the flower’girl’ at your future wedding.

We were best friends, then we were SO’s, and some how through the years, we realised we were actually more best bro’s than anything else. So now we back each other up in the search for ‘the one’. Or two. I mean what ever you’re into bro, I gotchu. 

We got a divorce, and have shared custody of the dog. Friday is play-fetch in the field day. The dog is none the wiser we haven’t been together for 3 weeks so far. 

After careful thought, I've realised I need to take a break from my relationship with you both. Whilst you’s mean a lot to me, I think if I continue any longer it will only hurt us more.

We have two very different religions/cultures, and when it comes to marriage, neither of us can commit to transitioning to the others. Because we respect each others needs, we found it best to separate. 

I’m immortal and you’re mortal. For the sake of both of our hearts, it’s time to end this. I can’t watch you grow old and die.

You keep getting into danger because of me, because I love you i begged you to let us end this. I can’t watch you die. I can’t let you witness me dying should that happen. I know how much it hurt you to agree.

You’re leading a revolution, and I have to leave the country. I’ve never had such an amazing time, as the time spent with you my love. I wish you success. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, but should we not, know my heart is always yours.

It’s not that hard to acknowledge positive break-up’s exist. The Ex doesn’t always have to be the problematic enemy, regret, or source of trauma. An Ex can be a source of amazing memories, and joy, and new experiences, that for some reason had to end. Everyone should grow up knowing this. Because I grew up wondering why everyone in 90% of movies, and TV, hated their Ex and always had a relationship end badly. It made me wonder so often if I had a break up... why would I have to suddenly stop talking to them like they were something to be forgotten??? And the fact is you don’t. If you ended on ‘good’ terms and still get along, you don’t have to ‘ditch’ them as a relic of the past. This has been a PSA.

[cloud-on-my-tongue-blog]

the Silent Treatment is used for abuse is as a tool of punishment. It's interesting to note that research has shown that children would much rather be yelled at than ignored. Purposeful silence is truly one of the horrific methods of punishment, and some adults seem to have carried this childish method right into their adult years and into their marriage as a way of dealing with issues that are beyond the tools they currently have. In fact, it is considered to be one of the harshest methods of punishment towards dangerous criminals to wear out their very fabric of human nature. It's called "Solitary Confinement." In 1890, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Freeman Miller found "A considerable number of the prisoners fell, after even a short confinement, into a semi-fatuous condition, from which it was next to impossible to arouse them, and others became violently insane; others still, committed suicide..." God makes us with the very need for fellowship, friendship and human interactions. We are by God's design – a socialite. This is who we are. And when a partner decides to cut off this need – they are putting their entire marriage at jeopardy by denying a God-given identity of that person, and it is not an action to be taken lightly. Dr. Seth, a Los Angeles television psychologist & relationship expert, gives his perspective on how the Silent Treatment affects couples today: "Often men and women who issue the Silent Treatment know it hurts their partners – and that’s part of why they do it." He continues, "If you are guilty of resorting to the Silent Treatment, I must call a spade a spade –it’s a cheap and easy way to hurt your partner. All the while, it turns you into a child who is incapable of communicating in your relationship like a grown-up. If you’re in a relationship, do the honorable, adult thing and give your partner a chance to talk to you. Talk to your partner – share – and work productively on your relationship." Ways to Deal With It If you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, one thing you can do first and foremost is to think of how you may have contributed to your partner's reaction. Understand that hurtful actions are usually negative RE-actions towards an event or something said or done – or not said or done. • Think back of when this behavior started. • Trace your steps and words to see if there was anything you did or said that contributed to your partner's reaction – and then deal with it. • Apologize, make amends and explore how it hurt them. After all, you're in love – you most likely didn't mean to purposefully hurt them."

interesting article for married couples... http://www.johnsanidopoulos.com/2011/12/when-couples-give-silent-treatment.html

[cloud-on-my-tongue-blog]

recovering the light

one of the things i notice about people, is after a break up, we get very emotional, and have tons of thoughts, and all the ones on the way. We get weighed down with all these scenarios, and lose sight of what our inner-self is going through, or even our inner-selves, period..the little things start to become the big things, and especially the talk about "what went wrong" or "what happened".... How you feel, how they feel, then the middle ground. You can reason, and have all sorts of conversations about it, and around the problem, but not the SOLUTION, as in, what to do...

Simplify the "problem", if you can indeed, identify it. It may take you weeks, months, and a lot of therapy and self discovery, but the answers will come to you, if you are seeking the truth. So now that you're here,   you don't feel as anxiety ridden. You may feel in the middle of a sea of problems to re-connect, and how to jump through the hoops...realize.... it doesn't matter. no reasoning, no logic, no "why did they leave", whether they hate you, none of it matters when it comes to love.

what the feeling of love is....what you really want to get at is the feeling, when you first fall in love with someone you don't think about the obstacles that come along the way, it doesn't seem to matter then, does it? also, if you love someone you could look past differences, you just love them because you love them, and love comes first. Then reason, and logic to justify that feeling, why we want them back... you're kind of left scratching your head... it has nothing to do with superficiality, what it comes down to is that feeling of true love, period. When you think about all these obstacles, realize, it shouldn't matter.

The first mistake I see people do is usually they picture themselves trying to pull, or drag their ex back into the exact place they broke up with them in, in the first place. They'll usually use tricks, or tactics, make themselves feel better, pull themselves up infront of their ex, and put on a show. 

Traps... really? Do you really want to "trap" him? What you want... is for them to want you of their own volition if you've any sense. Do not try to trick anyone into thinking a situation, especially if it involved drugs, violence, emotional violence, or any kind of domestic dispute. I always see the originating problem come up again, especially if neither of the people have worked on it, and just slapped themselves back together as a couple. The poison is always there to invisibly manifest itself later on down the road.

Clearly, this is not a good way of going about it, because if you ex does go for it, they're going to make sure next time not to be so foolish, so be careful, when coming front to them- be honest, about where your focus is... Enjoy life again. So a lot of you interpret this as "put on a big big show to make him think you've moved on"--- kind of putting up this facade of moving on. it may work sometimes, but it's still not honest. after a while, it progresses no where. once they DO start talking to you again, you start putting the "mask" aside.... and projecting that image out there.... and as soon as they sense that feeling from you, they know that all this stuff they see you're doing "must just be for them, and not for you"... this is one example of something i've seen. as soon as this happens, they'll be suspicious. and if they came back? then what happens? they put it all away? and they're back with the old you? 

yes. to them, you were just covering up ..and now they know "oh, you're still the old problematic you". so it's super important that the idea of them coming back is from them, themselves. and never forcibly pull them back in, but be where you are. stand still. dont go out there and jump through hoops, just breathe, stand still, and think about what it is that they'd WANT to come back to.... and can you DO that? 

They must actually think to want you back... so don't try that "mask" tactic I was talking about. please, be who you are. you want them to come back to something you love, and something you understand that they fell in love with about you, and it's possible to bring it back out, and simultaneously start over, with even more power...

A lot of us lose ourselves in a relationship, and project it in the relationship, and often, that's when the breakup can happen, because sometimes when it comes to a head, it is easier to walk away. the hard part is getting back to who you are. for yourself, first. focus on you, yourself. put the energy that you're putting worrying on yourself and you'll start to feel strong. to please yourself, make yourself happy and confident, and delightful to be with, because you're actually content with yourself, and it genuinely isn't just to "please you ex"

People who tend to feel bad about making "mistakes" in the relationship also tend to over-compensate. Please them too much. Or feel like you need to walk on eggshells. cause you're worried what you'll say will drive them away. once again, it's about you, not your ex. your ex will feel this, and when they get it they wont feel that attraction to want to come back. so then what? at the end?what do they get? they don't just want someone who will do everything for them. they want someone who's their own person their own mind the ability to make themselves happy.

your partner should never feel responsible for your happiness. that responsibility is yours. constantly. make yourself happy. we all want someone who is themselves and who can make themselves happy. were drawn to people who are complete like that for a reason. think of yourself as a planet with an orbit, a healthy one, with a strong center... and you're attracting them back into your planet, they'll gravitate toward you, because you're happy with yourself. you know who you are and you know what you DON'T lack, and THAT'S very very attractive.

-caitlin osanna brown

continued later.......

[supindia-blog-blog]

finally

that amazing moment when you realize all you need in life is to be content with yourself and who are becoming. 

[theartofperception]

- Just Counting Time

I want to live in the bottom of your stomach and whisper "I've gone". I want to make your eyes burn, sting inside your skull until your vision becomes blurry, until you can't see. I want you to grab your stomach, reach for me even though you know I'm unreachable. I want you to double over, look at the ground as the tears travel down your nose and hit the floor. I want you to open your mouth, salvia sticking, clinging to your teeth, hoping that I crawl out from my hiding place. But nothing happens, you don't even make a sound. But the breath you take, the huge breath that you try to swallow sticks in the back of your throat until the veins in your neck aches, until the pain travels down to the back of your knees and they get weaker and you fight against it but your knees bend and you fall to the floor. I want you to squeeze the centre of you hoping to stop, hoping to finally take that breath. But it doesn't happen until you push, until you let go and feel my fingers scrape the space just beside your heart and you scream. You scream. You scream until it becomes a grunt, salvia running out of your mouth, tears down your face. You scream until you think I'm gone, until you think that your stomach is empty, this is when you breathe, this is when you inhale and realise. I'm still there. I want you to stay there, on the floor, on your knees, fighting oxygen, counting time.  Because this is what it feels like right now - half way across the world when you slipped out of my heart into the bottom of my stomach. I'm here. Still counting time.